How do INFJs communicate?

kita

kita

<font color=#990066>Regular Poster</font>
MBTI
INFJ
I know we can be very reserved, but how do we communicate with those we are close to? Are you very open and honest? Are you equally comfortable giving feedback and listening/observing? What kinds of things are you not willing to hear or share?
 
I know that I hate when people dont "get" that I need them or something, so I tend to drop a lot of subliminal hints, clues and make up little instances so that they "get" it without having to come off looking needy... if they dont get it I will get bolder, if they dont get it then, I straight tell them, if they refuse to react to that I cut them out of my life.
 
For me, it comes down to a matter of trust. I have to trust the person I'm communicating with, or I won't give them all of me...and that includes my closest relatives. But if I trust you, fully trust you, I'm totally open and honest. I love giving feedback, and I love receiving productive feedback, but I don't have to trust someone implicitly to accept their feedback; I just have to interpret their words as valid and wise.

As to what I'm not willing to share, it depends. If I feel the feedback is an even exchange, I'll gladly and freely give even delicate information. But if someone is asking me a lot of personal questions and isn't willing that I ask the same questions in kind, I usually pull away from the conversation. I am really willing to listen and communicate with others if the freedom is there...but the exchange has to be both equal and fair.
 
I take communication very seriously with those I'm close to and care about. I often worry about things I've said in previous conversations as well as things I want to express but am not sure the best way to do so.

I'll never go right out and say, '__ is what I want to do' or '___ is what I need'. I guess I'm trying not to be a burden by obligating someone to go along with my wishes... but then again, in a roundabout way though, I suppose I am being a burden to the extent that I make them guess to figure out 'what's wyst thinking?'

If I'm communicating something that could be hard to take in/wounding to someone, I work really hard at there being some good side to what I'm saying and not limiting it to my criticism.

If it's someone I'm not particularly close to... meh.... I really don't think communicating is all the necessary.

For me, communicating is a big part of how I process my feelings. I'm not superb at internal processing. Processing verbally, does wonders for me. To that end, I need to have someone to talk to at times - sometimes for hours.

Words are one of my receptive love languages, so if we don't talk, we're not close. If I text you and you never text me back, I'm going to interpret that as how much of a priority I am or am not to you.
 
I think I tend to send out subtle hints as a way of communicating thinking everyone will just get it, since I feel I would easily pick up on them myself if it were the other way around.
Then I get frustrated when they aren't being picked up on and I shut down and internalize my thoughts and feelings.

I also don't always like talking while in public if others are to close nearby. I can be a very quiet dinner partner at a restaurant if I feel I will have to reveal too much about myself to strangers nearby.
But I am all ears. Feel free to ramble on and on. Please! It takes the pressure off of me.

I don't know, hard for me to explain without subtle, vague, non verbal hints.:behindsofa:
 
With years I have tendency to talk less about myself. Just with the one I love I do that. I don't have need to share myself around, I feel bad if I say something personal to someone that I don't consider special to me. I guess I become more and more boring. For example, I never got used to that "sex and city" type of conversation. My relationships or love troubels are just mine and that's it.
So, I like to talk with people, but I must be in special mood (or on net) to say something really private. If I want to bond myself with someone, I force myself to be open.
 
MindYourHead said:
I think I tend to send out subtle hints as a way of communicating thinking everyone will just get it, since I feel I would easily pick up on them myself if it were the other way around.
Then I get frustrated when they aren't being picked up on and I shut down and internalize my thoughts and feelings.

I also don't always like talking while in public if others are to close nearby. I can be a very quiet dinner partner at a restaurant if I feel I will have to reveal too much about myself to strangers nearby.
But I am all ears. Feel free to ramble on and on. Please! It takes the pressure off of me.

I don't know, hard for me to explain without subtle, vague, non verbal hints.:behindsofa:
Click to expand...
+1
 
Jana said:
With years I have tendency to talk less about myself. Just with the one I love I do that. I don't have need to share myself around, I feel bad if I say something personal to someone that I don't consider special to me. I guess I become more and more boring. For example, I never got used to that "sex and city" type of conversation. My relationships or love troubels are just mine and that's it.
So, I like to talk with people, but I must be in special mood (or on net) to say something really private. If I want to bond myself with someone, I force myself to be open.
Click to expand...


It's great when I do this to someone, share an inner part of myself and they totally don't get who I am nor find any value in me sharing my thoughts. I've come to a general conclusion that my thoughts are basically for myself; 95% of the crap that goes on in my head is for me alone. As soon as I start sharing it, people never understand and begin taking me for granted.

I think this is because other people generally share whatever they're thinking whether you want to hear it or not, and sharing it is nothing special to most people. So operating on that premise, it's nothing special when I share something.

The problem is if someone doesn't value my input, I shut-up real fast. I just see no worth in blathering hot air if a person doesn't care about my input. If I continue speaking, then I'm just speaking to hear myself talk, which I generally dislike it when other people exhibit this behavior. This has derived a personality for me that is highly introverted. Most people I meet aren't people I can speak with, so I don't.

This is why I like MBTI so much, I can identify people that I can carry on a decent conversation with who wont shoot me down immediately. Yet, I think the people who do take my input for granted later realize their mistake when I no longer engage them in conversation.

I'm screwed up.
 
repost - originally posted in another thread

I know we can be very reserved, but how do we communicate with those we are close to?
-more direct and honest

Are you very open and honest?
- depends on how well i know someone or the kind of person they are.

Are you equally comfortable giving feedback and listening/observing?
-Like giving feedback, but enjoy observing more than listening

What kinds of things are you not willing to hear or share?
-Feelings because who don't know me personally tend to misunderstand my motives for sharing something, so i've learned the hard way to limit who i share things with.
 
Non-verbally. Actions speak louder than words to me and from me, especially since a lot of Extroverts say things without ever meaning any of them.
 
MindYourHead said:
I think I tend to send out subtle hints as a way of communicating thinking everyone will just get it, since I feel I would easily pick up on them myself if it were the other way around.
Then I get frustrated when they aren't being picked up on and I shut down and internalize my thoughts and feelings.
Click to expand...

+1

Actually, i'm feeling lately like i don't want to reveal too much of myself to people as much, because i tend to compromise too much when i do. I prefer being less open unless i know i can trust the person. My communication most of time is based on the vibes or impressions i receive from others and then i try to adapt (although it doesn't always work). People tend to expect more of me communication wise than i can deliver. Very few people allow you to just be - and too self conscious to feel completely relaxed. I'm not sure i have a need to be sociable anymore, just sociable enough. I'm more interested in finding people i can make a real connection with, and whether that happens or not, i think i'll try to focus on enjoying the journey or experience of it.
 
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Anita said:
+1

Actually, i'm feeling lately like i don't want to reveal too much of myself to people as much, because i tend to compromise too much when i do. I prefer being less open unless i know i can trust the person. My communication most of time is based on the vibes or impressions i receive from others and then i try to adapt (although it doesn't always work). People tend to expect more of me communication wise than i can deliver. Very few people allow you to just be - and too self conscious to feel completely relaxed. I'm not sure i have a need to be sociable anymore, just sociable enough. I'm more interested in finding people i can make a real connection with, and whether that happens or not, i think i'll try to focus on enjoying the journey or experience of it.
Click to expand...

That hits home with me!
 
I relate to what others here are saying, especially about dropping subtle hints and epecting them to be picked up. Perhaps foolishly, when it comes to sharing myself I am generally open, despite having been hurt frequently. Maybe this comes from a sense of otherness such that I feel like I have little to lose. If I'm already an outlier, why try to fit? But that contradicts my accommodating side... and as a result I am both braving the odds and trying to accommodate/blend in simultaneously. I'm not sure why I'm like this. I thought perhaps it was an INFJ thing, but most INFJs seem to be more reserved regarding openness. Perhps my low J score has something to do with that. I donno. For me, boundaries like that aren't so binary. I tend to open up with anyone if they stzart to display trust through proper protocol and vibe. If I feel the vibe change, then I "shut down". But in that case the conversation continues, so as not to be rude, but my content changes. If I feel their vibe shift back to the positive, then I subtly recalibrate.
 
I know its not very productive. But Im at a point that if someone doesn't get me; I don't communicate with them.

It takes a long time for me to open up to new people on a trustworthy level and I usually test them out. But select few people I trust I am very open and transparent and they know me and im always satisfied with that.
 
Lerxst said:
Non-verbally. Actions speak louder than words to me and from me, especially since a lot of Extroverts say things without ever meaning any of them.
Click to expand...


Me too^
 
MindYourHead said:
I think I tend to send out subtle hints as a way of communicating thinking everyone will just get it, since I feel I would easily pick up on them myself if it were the other way around.
Then I get frustrated when they aren't being picked up on and I shut down and internalize my thoughts and feelings.

I also don't always like talking while in public if others are to close nearby. I can be a very quiet dinner partner at a restaurant if I feel I will have to reveal too much about myself to strangers nearby.
But I am all ears. Feel free to ramble on and on. Please! It takes the pressure off of me.

I don't know, hard for me to explain without subtle, vague, non verbal hints.:behindsofa:
Click to expand...

Yep, that ^^^ is very INFJ. I do it too. Most people do not use intuition and are not as good at picking things up. For a very long time I figured they could. It's a good thing to realize not everyone picks up on the things that you do. Also, one other comment. Good communicators know how to listen. Otherwise you are just a good talker!
 
arbygil said:
For me, it comes down to a matter of trust. I have to trust the person I'm communicating with, or I won't give them all of me...and that includes my closest relatives. But if I trust you, fully trust you, I'm totally open and honest. I love giving feedback, and I love receiving productive feedback, but I don't have to trust someone implicitly to accept their feedback; I just have to interpret their words as valid and wise.

As to what I'm not willing to share, it depends. If I feel the feedback is an even exchange, I'll gladly and freely give even delicate information. But if someone is asking me a lot of personal questions and isn't willing that I ask the same questions in kind, I usually pull away from the conversation. I am really willing to listen and communicate with others if the freedom is there...but the exchange has to be both equal and fair.
Click to expand...

Yea thats pretty much the same for me, however some things I won't tell anyone. I just believe not everything is meant to be said, some things should be kept secret.

And as I've seen others post, I'm very good at picking up on body clues (even the smallest ones) or even the tiniest things will tell me all I need to know. So sometimes I'll do the same thing, drop small hints here and there, and then I get internally frustrated when no one gets it. Then I man up and just say it... hah. XD
 
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