why are some of us disliked? | Page 4 | INFJ Forum

why are some of us disliked?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Nat, May 15, 2009.

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  1. midnightmelody

    midnightmelody nagging for truth

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    true. I don't think I am a particularly easy person to crack.
     
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  2. Jayce

    Jayce Community Member

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    It bothered my last girlfriend (might be ENFP) that I didn't share a lot of personal things with her. In my opinion, she still knows more about me than anyone else on the planet but that isn't much when you're an INFJ I suppose. I would have share eventually but at that time I still wasn't comfortable with it.

    Yesterday she told me, "When you look at me I feel like you can see right through me..." I can see how this might make others feel uncomfortable. She's constantly worried about what I think of her.

    We can see through other people's bullshit and they don't like it.

    I'm also always put in the friend zone because I think people, in general, prefer those who are more aggressive with their romantic pursuits, people who are there with the specific intention of dating you. On the other hand, I want to become close friends with someone first before I consider dating someone, even if I already find them attractive. Does that make sense?

    :m187:
     
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    #62 Jayce, Jul 24, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2009
  3. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    My ESTP is always a little afraid I'm going to judge him, even though I never have in the past .__. I don't understand why
     
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  4. midnightmelody

    midnightmelody nagging for truth

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    My INTP friend dislikes how I can smell her little plots from a mile away. And she honest to go thinks she is just pure evil but I know better.
    hehe.
    People also can't take the fact that we make them overly aware of themselves.
     
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  5. Arg

    Arg Community Member

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    My ex tested as an INTJ but I think that was just her projecting what she thought she should be. I'm pretty sure she was an INFJ.

    She has an aloof vibe going on which could come across as intimating. I don't know if this is an INFJ thing or just her, but she loves to milk the moral high ground and has a self-righteous streak a mile long. Once I ordered veal (she's a STRICT vegan) just to be amused at the moral indignation I knew would follow.

    But that said she really is a lovely person. I remember I had to approach her very cautiously when we first met. I was bound and determined to get to know her. After about a month I finally asked her out. I think she just wanted reassurance that I didn't want just a fling, once she was satisfied on that level she opened up a tad bit more. I like the challenge of finding out what makes people tick which is why I didn't mind the elaborate defense system she had going on. I just hated being judged over every trivial infraction.
     
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    #65 Arg, Jul 25, 2009
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  6. sedna

    sedna Community Member

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    Why are we disliked...there are so many reasons. Hmm...where should I begin?

    I'm super-intuitive, but I don't wear it on the outside like I used to, lest someone suspect I'm an obeah-woman or witch or something. People will flee. I've learned with age to keep my mouth shut and giddily pretend I don't notice what I observe. Seriously, I find it much easier if I have to socialize. The problem with INFJ-intuition is that you are too, too, too WELL AWARE that you're disliked. When I was younger I used to go around wounded all the time. Now, I pretty much could care less. I figure if you don't like me, good.

    Another thing most people hate...I do at times think my taste is supreme, and will openly scoff at the tastes of others. That has gotten me crossed off a few lists. However I do try to contain it. Try.

    Most folks (especially ESs) see things in hindsight. I've learned many people hate being around INFJ-foresight. Especially the pollyannas. I think most of my life is spent keeping what I know from others simply because they are unable to comprehend the gobbledygook I speak, when I speak it.

    I've had to accept that I'm not in alignment with most others and that has to be okay. You find some way to live your life according to your standards and move on. It's hard not to be mired in depression, but I find it easier to embrace what makes me, me, regardless of how other people feel about me.
     
    #66 sedna, Jul 25, 2009
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  7. Blind Bandit

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    I can relate to everything you said especially the sections I bolded.

    I swear I point out the writing on the wall. I've in the past tired to point this out. Repeatadly and I eventually move and the person forgets that I ever said anything. I tell them ughh ya I told you so. And of course they can't admit that I for warned them of a problem. Its really sad. Seeing all these issues come up before others do. I would guess many Ins actually feel this way. But ya its really hard to keep this to yourself and just shake your head as people wonder blindly.

    And I can agree we can sense even the slightess bit of anger or hate towards us. I find this harder to shake off but I've gotten better. I've realized my life will be hard and I know that that may mean I've never as accepted as I would like.

    Its hard knowing your an outcast and that by being anything else than who you are is us being untrue and inauthentic. As such we can't do that. :m040:
     
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  8. sedna

    sedna Community Member

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    Yeah, but we'd look like meanies if we went around saying 'I told you so' every time one of our predictions came true. That's why (and I know this is difficult) it's best to look the other way and emotionally detach from the situation.


    With age and time, it can be managed. At times I must embrace inauthenticity to get through, because it's the way of the world. I no longer feel shamed by using this skill. It never has to become me. Compartmentalizing helps a bit. I can play a game to get through in short spurts if I know I can spend the majority of my time as I wish. It's a tradeoff that took me years to figure out
     
  9. Whitefire89

    Whitefire89 Community Member

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    iam an INFJ male an THINK i hve only met probably 2 INFJ females both of which i have been STRANGELY atracted too.

    I actually find it the other way around for me. gurls tend to NOT like me INFJness.

    im too silent or talk too much or im to deep and think too much.

    idk but i i ever met an infj gurl i think i would fall in love. either that or annoyed by TOO much shynes.....

    (sigh) idkman idk. dont think i ever realy me an INFJ gurl.

    i hnestly don evn think i cant put the inut ur lookng for bcuz im not the average guy....
    idk who knows...who knows:m052:
     
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  10. poetrygirl

    poetrygirl Community Member

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    I don't know..... :m068:
    I feel like no matter what I do I'm the odd girl out...
    People are just more interested in superficial friendships.
    I also see a lot of infj males have even more problems.
    It's ridiculous if you think about it.

    Understanding - men typically don't always understand women but infj/p's are at the cornerstone of understanding.
    Compromising - (except with values) willing to give a little
    Kind[/U]- Have you ever met an infj male that was a jerk? Don't women always complain that most guys are jerks?
    Loyal & Trustworthyy - HELLO! This is one of the number one things women complain about? tisk tisk
    Sets a Standard of characterr - even if their non religious they have a standard of morals at which they try to live by.
    Not a man whore- (in the context of having only one partner at a time) very good quality most women appreciate the monogamous.

    You think women would be flocking... It true though all my friends that come crying to me about relationship problems talk about this stuff. It's always: "he cheated on me with so an so, he lied to me about ... he doesn't understand my feelings.... all he cares about is ____.
     
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  11. smiffy

    smiffy Community Member

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    hmm theres alot of deep thinking involved here. I dated someone I was quite crazy about before. Cant be sure, but probably of the INFJ maybe a INTJ variety.

    Found a major problem of the relationship was her unexpressive nature. While she had feelings for me, the fact that she didnt really express them meant that I was never sure I were I stood with her. Whether she liked me or not.

    Basically came down to, your feelings for someone only matter to you, but its how you show your feelings is what matters.

    If you dont express your feelings from time to time the only person whos going know about them is yourself. I think thats a problem I have had with the more intreverted types especially when going out with extraverts.

    My advice is not all people are out to get you, if you like someone just make the effort in asking questions and divulging some information about yourself,doesnt have to be that personally to begin with.

    Try not to analyse too much as love is unpredictable and ultimately we have no control over who we love and who loves us back.

    Anyways hope this is of some use.
     
  12. rainrise

    rainrise Community Member

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    i've been disliked for being too considerately soft-spoken and easy-going in other's eyes. i find that all too many people love drama and are bothered when they cannot get their fix when relating to me either by trying to coax out mine or getting a certain response from me.

    on the other hand, concerning matters that are important to me, i can become too firm and unyielding in my stance and some find this side of me too rigid or intense to their liking.

    i admit i can be very stubborn, but i always have a reason underlying it and sometimes, it is hard to verbalize definitely either because it may come off as confusing to others or may not be tactful to communicate. this causes misunderstandings as on the surface, it doesn't seem as if i can justify my actions/reactions. it becomes especially confusing when i give no hints of why i am resisting or even worse, apologize that i am resisting it (e.g. in the case of explaining my desire to be alone when invited to a party).
     
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  13. midnightmelody

    midnightmelody nagging for truth

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    I can identify with a lot of that too, rainrise.

    People hate it when I can't make decisions. I sometimes become overly phlegmatic.

    They'll often give me two options for something and I'll just say "Oh it doesn't matter; either way."
    That's because it either really doesn't matter, or if I have a preference, it's not particularly important enough for me to state it. Does anyone else do this?
     
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  14. McD

    McD Four

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    I'm a male INTJ who dated an INFJ for a year and a half, a prior to that two INFP's, but I'll try to focus on the INFJ.

    First, before I get into the dislikes, I should mention what I did like about the INFJ I dated. These aren't necessarily related to her MBTI, but some of them might be.

    1. She wasn't at all shallow. We were more prone to spend time at used bookstores than at clothing stores. She liked to read as much as I did, and in turn I got exposed to a lot of great literature (I study philosophy, but don't read a lot outside of that field unless I'm properly motivated).
    2. She liked the outdoors as much as I did, largely for the same reasons. So we spent our weekends in national forests instead of clubs and bars.
    3. She was great at empathy.
    4. She clicked really well with my family.
    5. In many ways, she 'got me' more than others.
    6. She respected my need for solitude as she had a similar need. Albeit we had it for different reasons.

    Now onto the dislikes:

    1. She was way too sensitive for me. I (and quite a few NT's I have talked to who have dated NF's. . .) felt like I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time.
    2. We bonded with our friends for different reasons. She sought emotional connection whereas I tended to have good friends because of similar intellectual interests. Not that she wasn't an 'intellectual', but we defined friendship differently. She often criticized me for not really 'bonding' with my friends the way she did with hers, which I personally thought, and think, is laughable.
    3. I didn't care for her friends and she didn't care for mine. She tended to have friends who had some major disorders, or were open about their feelings, intelligent (such as into the same literature as her), but were selfish and immature. She would get devestated when one of her friends acted selfish, even though she knew all along that that's how they were. My response was either get new friends or stop expecting your friends to act differently than the way they do. I tended to have friends who were more stable, 'had it together', took responsibility for their lives, etc, and at the same time able to bond intellectually with me. OR they were just fun (for example I had some friends that I met while an exchange student, and our only connection was we all lived in a foreign country together. They tended to be a bit crude sometimes, but it never bothered me. It bothered her A LOT).
    4. The mind reading thing. INFJ's, as I think was mentioned already in this thread, can't always trust their intuition about another person's motives. About half our fights started because she thought she could read my mind, she in fact completely misunderstood me, but she refused to acknowledge that she was wrong. INTJ's are famous for having lizard faces, and oftentimes when we look annoyed, we are really just concentrating on whatever thing it is we are focusing on.
    5. The clinginess. She clinged hard. If she was out of town for a week, by the second night, she would be in a desperate, "woe-is-me, we are in a doomed long distance relationship I can't go on without you stay up all night on the phone with me." Keep in mind, she would be on vacation with her family when this is happening. We in fact live in the same town, ten minutes away from each other. Or if I spent the night alone at my house (maybe twice a week), she would get really scared that I was going to leave her for good. What she didn't realize was that by acting on her fears and clinging harder, she was really pushing me away- the opposite effect she intended. INTJ's value independence. I've read that INFJ"s do to, but at least my INFJ didn't.
    6. She was never satisfied. In spite of my very best efforts, according to her we never bonded in the right way, or enough. I often felt like I had to be this super warm fuzzy guy to her all the time, which is not really how INTJ's tend to be. There were often fights at 6am, when I just woke up, because I wasn't acting super fuzzy (even though I had just woken up and hadn't even had a coffee). What she didn't realize, and when I did try to explain it to her, she thought was horrifying, was that when INTJ's are emotionally expressive, it actually drains us, much in the same way that when Introverts spend to much time socializing, it drains them. It's just not natural for us. I get stimulated by a fascinating topic or a good debate (I know INFJ's can get stimulated by that too), but being empathetic is not at all natural. I tend to want to offer solutions to a problem, whereas she wanted someone to empathize with.
    7. She never told me what was wrong, until a few hours or days later, when she would not just tell me, she would express it, usually in a hostile, biting way, that was way out of proportion of my original offense. For example, one time I was ten minutes (not lying) late for dinner, because I was tied up at work. I even texted her to tell her I was going to be late, but for some reason she never got the message. I got to dinner, she acted cold for 30 minutes, then when we were leaving, she blurts out "YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME WAIT! YOU ARE SO SELFISH!" Fact is, she never had to wait for me, I'm usually the one who is early, but she turned the situation from something that was a minor inconvenience to something that was terrible. Prior to her emotional outburst, she denied the entire time that something was wrong. Fortunately she did apologize later.

    Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great things about her and INFJ's in general. But after dating three INF's, my next one will probably be a T.
     
    #74 McD, Aug 7, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2009
  15. Ketsugi

    Ketsugi Community Member

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    It's because we don't have "evidence" to back up our "feelings." Meh.

    Here's some evidence: :m091:
     
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  16. Blind Bandit

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    OMG that was awesome. :m146:
     
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  17. Jayce

    Jayce Community Member

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    LOL.

    No, really. I actually did laugh out loud when I read that. XD
     
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  18. halicon

    halicon Regular Poster

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    exactly that.

    because we can see into everyone but we are stone to them at most times. a lot of people have openly said they have no idea where they stand with me.
     
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  19. halicon

    halicon Regular Poster

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    you were late !

    i know we dont like that.
     
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  20. Sithious

    Sithious Well-known member

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    I think this sums it up nicely
     
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