why are some of us disliked? | INFJ Forum

why are some of us disliked?


Feb 2, 2009
I would've thought that having empathy for other people would be a good foundation for a relationship but I find while men love talking to me, they avoid me for romantic relationships. The rare ones that don't abandon me just want to be friends.

Why do men hate INFJ girls? Is it because we don't talk all the time?
Too much intuition?

Some of my good aquiantances will get annoyed with me, because they can read what I am thinking, from the expression on my face. What they read is that I know what they are up to, sometimes even before they are fully conscious of it themselves.

Just an idea?
I have noticed I am more in the friend zone then the dating zone with most guys. I have found it necessary to go out side of the group to find a date and then I usually end up widening my friend zone even more. Guys say they want girls that are more logical and able to handle things well, but I doubt it.
Also in the friend group. Sometimes I make mistakes expressing intuition and then I realize what happened. I usually just want to explain "it's just a sketch, not that conclusive, I second guess every single thing in my brain, and it's not that personal since I think of everyone that way, etc."

I have a hard time with flirty banter and social rituals (I know Fe is supposed to take care of that, but either I'm a hybrid type or it doesn't work that way in my case). I have occasionally attempted dressing in a semi-sexy manner and it seriously gave me heeby-geebies the way I was looked at like a piece of meat. I think this goes back to often getting a core, somewhat primitive vibe from people. I end up not wearing make-up, hardly fixing my hair, and wearing cautious clothes. I don't advertise well.

A third reason is that I don't respond in time to people. They have trouble reading me and my lack of response gets interpreted as being their negative fear they project on me. I have often had to work really hard to undo those assumptions. It stuns me sometimes how far off base they can be. I feel badly, but also realize I have little control over it. It makes me tired to be around people which leads to the last reason...

I don't spend much time socializing.
  • Like
Reactions: Soulful
because they can't sense how we feel so they become uncomfortable
Yup most of what everyone has said thusfar. People say I appear standoffish when I am in public, partly because I am gaurded. I don't feel like I am presenting myself this way. It is interesting in that people that do like me and want to have me in a romantic relationship are people who are just like "...wow, your so facenating and intersting, there is just something about you", while that is flattering, it seems like all the same kind of people do that, and for lack of better word, the are "duds" or I am just not attracted back. And people that I AM attracted to, I am very very hesitent to approach, and when I do I scare them off for unknown reasons I have yet to figure out.
My experience: I have always had ridiculously high standards, not just about looks, although something had to really strike me as attractive about someone's appearance. More than that, I'd be weighing up every aspect of the person against an ideal I held. The few that met it were generally 'out of my league' as they say. So of course I was in their friend zone or else ignored by them completely.

I'm not saying this is true for you, but I just thought I'd mention it as a possibility.
since our dominant Ni leads us to intuit intentions and emotions below the surface, we naturally tune into hidden motives. many a time, they are negative and we cannot necessary explain how we know precisely through reasoning, however i am sure this knowing, or assuming at the least, does affect the way we perceive the other person as it builds upon our unconscious guard to take caution. although we may not realize this is happening within us, i am sure it does show, however subtly through our own actions and relations with that person. this may cause them to either feel like we're not being completely responsive to their social personality, being somewhat distant and yet also on their case.
I agree with a lot of what others have said. As INFJs we can see the TRUTH, and as such people fear us and treat us with suspicion.
INFJs are slow to be themselves which can make first encounters awkward. It is obvious and some what grating when you see an INFJ tr to be someone their not. :m192:

Also INFJs insights into your mind can make you feel vulnerable, which is a bit creepy.

Well no I am actually thinking of this one kid I know...

Oh I misunderstood the question

Well I mean if your not willing to play the game you are not going to win, catch my drift?
  • Like
Reactions: daydreamer
I was always in the friend-zone, too. I had a serious, wonderful boyfriend in the latter high school years and into the college years, right after he died I had a horrible boyfriend-turned-fiance, and now I'm married to my perfect match that I've been with for the last near 6 years. Have hope, you'll have success one day.

I think the main reason we have trouble is that we aren't social creatures in the popular sense. We don't really like big crowds and we don't have to be the center of attention. I'm horrible at small talk, probably because I hate it and find it to be nothing but a ceremonial act required by society. I never know what to say, because I don't want to sound shallow. I know that I've always had low self-esteem, so I never had the confidence to approach anyone. My self-esteem issues were not just physical, but also that I always think that people are going to find me to be an idiot. People always tell me that they're intimidated by my intelligence, but that hasn't kept me from feeling they think I'm stupid. I've been told by people that clearly didn't like me, but later became my friends that I seemed like I thought I was better than everyone else because I didn't talk to anyone and I was really smart. In reality, I'm just too shy.

I read into things way more than others, which I'm sure y'all do, too. We're always good friends to those we trust, because we are that insightful. And we are able to be somewhat unbiased, because we are easily able to put ourselves in the shoes of others. I was always the counselor for my circle of friends at every stage of my life.

One day you'll find someone that is worth someone like you. Don't sweat it. Looking back on my 28 years, I've learned that you can't force things and you can't regret. Love comes to you when you aren't looking for it. I wasn't and neither was my husband. ...and go with your gut. If a person doesn't feel right, but you WANT to be attracted to them, run. Run far and run fast. Your gut knows best. I felt an instant connection to my first boyfriend and to my husband when I first saw them. All the other jerk-offs were ones I worked on finding something to like, so that I would want to date them.
em ive noticed some of my guy friends get really weirded out with the perception thing...they dont like it or else find it just a bit weird.
sometimes i think im a little intimidating....i also am pretty good at picking up on lies and i do not suffer liars or fools lightly.
being too intense may be a problem.
I know i also often give off a completely different first impression than my true personality but(and it pains me to say it)sometimes ill judge quickly on first impressions or gut instincts and this could obviously appear stand offish.
It's not just guys towards girls. It's also girls towards girls.

Most girls want to be my friend but none of them are attracted to me, and it's very freaking annoying since by the time I start getting attracted to them I've been well and fully friendzoned.

I think it's because we take a while to warm up to people and really show who we are unless they're something like an ENFJ, and by the time we've decided to let them in they're just fine sitting on the porch, so to speak.

I've personally never noticed the perceptiveness bugging people but then I usually keep my observations to ourselves. I think a bigger problem is that they have a hard time figuring me out. I do things that seem weird even though in my head it all makes sense, and it's really hard to penetrate INFJ thinking for most people, especially your run of the mill extroverted sensor.

But yeah, I think the biggest thing is the "look but don't touch" guardedness.

Also I'm far too blunt and honest for most peoples' liking. :(
I think that if what lucifer said about being slow to show who they really are is true then this will affect the first impression and perhaps restrain the relationship from developing.

And if it is true that guys want logical girls, then I should really be worried :/
  • Like
Reactions: anica
In my experience it works the same for girls to act that way towards guys. I almost always get friendzoned when I meet a girl I am attracted to.

I think a lot of it has to do with that I hate talking about myself (which can make for a boring conversation) and I never know what to say to someone when I first meet them. As they gradually get to know me they always say how fascinated they are about my stories, experiences, hobbies, pastimes etc... but I'm seen only as a friend by then.

Also half the girls I am attracted to already are in relationships so I'm placed in the friend zone by default.
Like the best way to attract mates at least in the short term is by playing the dating game and be willing to put up with more casual relationships. It strikes me that if it doesn't have the potential to be serious then INFJs aren't particularly interested. Right?

Thus an INFJ might not attract as many dates.

Unless ofcourse your incredibly hot
Last edited:
You mean people don't like us?


Seriously though. I've learned that men don't hate INFJ girls but they sort of fear us. If they like us, they might just love us, and that's scary for them if they aren't ready for that, and if they aren't ready for that, then they aren't going to like us are they?

I have heard that INFJ's are the kind of people you want to settle down with not screw around with. I think about it and feel like that is true, but until you meet the one you're going to settle down with it kind of feels like you're left out of the fun.

I wish it were different. But I guess that's just how it is... Maybe I'm wrong.
  • Like
Reactions: daydreamer
I agree with a lot of what others have said. As INFJs we can see the TRUTH, and as such people fear us and treat us with suspicion.

Are you sure about that? Intuitive women have to be very careful. Especially in relationships.

Our intuitions are often colored by our past experiences and biases. Sometimes these past experiences can cause us to misinterpret a person's intentions and in this case, we are not seeing "the TRUTH".... but our own interpretation that might be incorrect because it was colored by our past experiences and biases.

We intuitives have to accept that we can't always trust our intuitions as "the TRUTH."
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Julia
We intuitives have to accept that we can't always trust our intuitions as "the TRUTH."
This is why we have Ti, to reality check our intuition. Admittedly that is a faculty I've had to consciously develop a knack for using though.