Understanding the INFJ Doorslam
- Thread starter Ren
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- Sep 28, 2008
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@ClevelandINTP
It sounds like you’re venting against whoever this person was by way of INFJs by proxy. Not saying it’s your intent, but that’s how it comes across to me. Though some of the INFJs here have engaged you, do you really think that any answer they give, adequate or not, will really satiate whatever curiosity and pain you harbor with regard to that specific person? Sometimes we get hurt and it sucks and we just won’t understand or find out why. I don’t think this thread, these folks, or MBTI in general is going to help you to divine why or how to undo that with whoever it is specifically that doorslammed you. The secret may very well die with them, and you may just have to accept that you won’t be able to rationalize it or have enough info to decide who was right or wrong. It is definitely clear that this person made an impression on you. Good luck healing.
It sounds like you’re venting against whoever this person was by way of INFJs by proxy. Not saying it’s your intent, but that’s how it comes across to me. Though some of the INFJs here have engaged you, do you really think that any answer they give, adequate or not, will really satiate whatever curiosity and pain you harbor with regard to that specific person? Sometimes we get hurt and it sucks and we just won’t understand or find out why. I don’t think this thread, these folks, or MBTI in general is going to help you to divine why or how to undo that with whoever it is specifically that doorslammed you. The secret may very well die with them, and you may just have to accept that you won’t be able to rationalize it or have enough info to decide who was right or wrong. It is definitely clear that this person made an impression on you. Good luck healing.
Wow, 9 pages already? I just didn't read all that...did the mud clear up a bit, or do we need more patience?
Well, this has happened with 3 INFJs. So, yeah, I’ve gone through it. I’ve really put forth good faith effort, though. And I don’t think I was pushing it too much. I accept, sure, but I know it caused a lot more issues than it needed to. And in some cases, I proactively asked how can I help the situation knowing what detail was causing a problem, like before the withdrawal. Comes across as weak sauce. Just pointing out things
Well, I did it once to another one, sort of, but I eventually told her why and what was going on, and gave closure. It ended with 27 text messages and 3 voicemails sent by her in a row as well as threats of physical violence which they later said was because I distracted them. And you’re not too “sensitive”
Well, I did it once to another one, sort of, but I eventually told her why and what was going on, and gave closure. It ended with 27 text messages and 3 voicemails sent by her in a row as well as threats of physical violence which they later said was because I distracted them. And you’re not too “sensitive”
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I think you may have to accept that your personality just isn't compatible with INFJ types and avoid getting emotionally entangled with them. I'm like that with many extravert types - I could only cope with a very social extravert in short doses and living with one would just exhaust me, so it was never something I would ever have considered.
One thing that comes across as I read through this thread is that you are projecting your personality type onto others and ending up angry and disappointed when they don't accept the projection - this isn't an accusation, because we all do that to some extent without realising it - doing it deliberately would of course be the height of bad manners lol. Anyway, INFJs are very likely to go along with this at first and try to live it for you, but they can't keep it up for long and will end up getting grippy if they try. That's because your dominant, Ti, is our tertiary and we can end up in messy Ni/Ti loops which lead to significant anxiety if we try to shadow your Ti dom. There are similar problems between Ni and Ne. The big one I think you are struggling with is Fe, which is your inferior, but is the primary way INFJs interact with the external world. You seem to be reacting to our Fe judgements with an absolute insistance on it being translated into T - in the emotionally charged atmosphere of a relationship going wrong this simply cannot happen easily because these functions are orthogonal to each other. We will then give up in hurt and despair of the relationship, knowing we can never explain it in a way the other can understand and that it would not solve anything but lead to far greater hurt still.
It's quite possible that you are attracted to INFJs because your inferior Fe pulls you that way, and there can be the most magical relationships between INFJs and INTPs because of this, and because of the shared N in different orientations. I enjoy externalising Ni/Ti loops with dominant Ti's in simple friendship relations and solving the problems of the universe over several beers. To get to a good situation in a more close relationship you would need to find some way of meeting your INFJs on their own ground as well as them on yours or you will keep getting this unfortunate not-OK feedback that is so hurtful.
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I am attracted to them for a few reasons. Fe does enchant me, but dom Ni behind it is more appealing. And the doses of Ti help. That and we usually have similar interests and values. I’m also a very social INTP and get confused for an extrovert a lot
I can understand the whole “we can’t quite explain our feelings”. I’ve dated an ISFJ as well that had the same dilemma. And other personality types as well
In almost every case, though, it ends up not being hard at all. I feel this. I feel it’s because of this. So then just say it. Be vulnerable and open your mouth and use words. Otherwise, let it go. I have had numerous times with many personality types that struggle with that. Just so happens that INFJs can be extra challenging. And I’m not saying everything needs to be this way. But for things that are critical to the relationship, it needs vocalized. And it doesn’t have to be in the form of Ti. If anything, Te could be better. It really doesn’t matter. Just say it is the point
The depth of the INFJ is exactly what I need. And I know it’s because of spiritual, soulful part of them. And I still think they’re the best for me even with the bumps. I don’t actively seek them out, there’s just a certain magnetism between both people that brings us together. I actually think it’s the other way around. INFJ can’t handle INTP at some point
Ironically, I’m dating two people at the moment: ENFP and INTJ. First time I’ve done this. Both are great, but I can tell neither have a piece that I would need for full depth. If I could combine the two, it would be perfect. I think the only types that could come close are INFJ and ENTP
I can understand the whole “we can’t quite explain our feelings”. I’ve dated an ISFJ as well that had the same dilemma. And other personality types as well
In almost every case, though, it ends up not being hard at all. I feel this. I feel it’s because of this. So then just say it. Be vulnerable and open your mouth and use words. Otherwise, let it go. I have had numerous times with many personality types that struggle with that. Just so happens that INFJs can be extra challenging. And I’m not saying everything needs to be this way. But for things that are critical to the relationship, it needs vocalized. And it doesn’t have to be in the form of Ti. If anything, Te could be better. It really doesn’t matter. Just say it is the point
The depth of the INFJ is exactly what I need. And I know it’s because of spiritual, soulful part of them. And I still think they’re the best for me even with the bumps. I don’t actively seek them out, there’s just a certain magnetism between both people that brings us together. I actually think it’s the other way around. INFJ can’t handle INTP at some point
Ironically, I’m dating two people at the moment: ENFP and INTJ. First time I’ve done this. Both are great, but I can tell neither have a piece that I would need for full depth. If I could combine the two, it would be perfect. I think the only types that could come close are INFJ and ENTP
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- Sep 28, 2008
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It's both ways, which is why the dynamic tends to have periods of separation
Haven't read this thread, but this vid explains things pretty well. In fact, he describes exactly 100% my experience of slamming the door on my ex. If this video is inappropriate for the context of this thread, then I'm slamming the door on all y'all! I hope this is the right video... I didn't watch it before posting... Testicles
- Sep 28, 2008
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- Sep 28, 2008
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- 954 so/sx
How to avoid doorslamming: Don't put up with bullshit from the start
Fair but give a chance for the person to show they’re listening and heard you. They’ve acknowledged and taken actions to make adjustments. No one is perfect and accepting flaws is important to any relationship. Don’t toss the baby out with the bath water
So yes please open your mouths and tell us from the start
So yes please open your mouths and tell us from the start
- Aug 21, 2015
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I have to slam my garage door every time I close it. It just doesn't get the picture otherwise. I try to help it close nicely, over and over, and it refuses. Then I'm like, "Look, I'm an INFJ and I will slam you."
- Sep 28, 2008
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The slam usually comes after these transparent and direct attempts to fix things.