Understanding the INFJ Doorslam

I wish there was a way to shut it off. . but it is such a part of me that I seem to have no control, it happens and I'm there before I even understand why sometimes. .

 

I had to take time to think about this...

My thoughts are that there are varying degrees of the doorslam and they appear when one is overwhelmed by outside influences/ influencers. For myself it's a way to take the mental pressure off. Also, because our outter environment may be chaotic, an INFJ needs there inner and outter environment to act in harmony.

When a person seems to be invading by crossing boundaries, being disrespectful, or demanding the doorslam happens. This is where it occurs in various degrees, but typically a "leave me be so I can think" reaction.

https://themindsjournal.com/infj-removes-people-from-their-life-with-the-door-slam/

**edit; We may have been the first type to practice Ghosting as well :/

 

This is a close explanation...
https://infjandexperience.wordpress.com/2017/01/15/the-infj-door-slam-explained/

 

I still am learning about the functions so I can't say from that perspective. However, I can explain the process that happens when I do door slam.

In my experience. The only things that makes me door slam are:
I feel that my qualities of helping are being used - It feels very one sided and then, I get very honest and bluntly say what the person needs to stop feeling that way whereas before I try to gently guide it. (I can get blunt when I feel it's one sided. I especially do get blunt when the person is savouring in that 'negative' spotlight)
-negative spotlight/attention/something: - wanting sympathy and needing sympathy are two completely different things!!
Sure, personal situations can affect if someone is seeking sympathy for something unrelated to what is causing them pain. I do like figuring it out (sounds maybe a bit retarded) and then I actively work on healing that, but!! if someone close to me savours in it for a long time (and only wants my sympathy all the time) & there is nothing wrong other than just needing that 'aw' repeatedly! Note this though, this is my guilt talking - I get guilty when I feel like I need to weigh pain. To me its incorrect (who am I to judge) but then sometimes some people just seek to create it and refuse to deal with it while putting it on me & expect me to fix and literally heal everything.
At times I do wonder if it's learned behaviour or if it's an attachment thing - e.g. 'lets go to puzznuzz and get her to give me sympathy to see if she still cares for me'? / 'lets go to puzznuzz and tell her something and get her to give me attention because thats what I grew up doing'.
I do then try to repeatedly make him/her see it - even by bluntly saying it. However if that doesn't work then I eventually door slam. I just can't - it is painful and it feels like it's eating me alive.

Another possibility is if I feel like I'm unheard when I say that something hurts me and is done repeatedly. I will tuck the hurt away and literally ignore it because I think the bigger picture is more important and, I also think it might just be because I might have been in the wrong 'mood' (lol, gaslight myself?). I will continue to give but after a 'while' (can be years) I start slowly shutting down but I do lay out again and again why I feel that way. Eventually I start acknowledging that it makes me feel shit & start seeing that what is happening doesn't correlate with that bigger picture. Then, I just have enough and bam bam door slam.

I guess I sometimes struggle with my emotional boundaries.

Sorry, rant over :/

edit: hehe just read the link @Sandie33 posted. Pretty much that. <3

 

I've heard of the "door slam" before but I have to say.. I don't think I've ever actually done it. It's very hard for me to give up on someone, and it's sometimes hard for me to say "no" .. Maybe my 2-ness overrides this or something.

 

I'm glad you can relate

 

@neko you are very precious.

Sometimes I wonder if 'we' tend to view the world in a really subjective way and if door slam is a way for us to regulate extreme things that affect our emotions and worldly perspective (people are the centre of my life), and to minimise damage or.. affects/influences because the world feels pretty cold and alone right before a door slam. Or maybe that's just me. I don't know, makes me feel selfish ... I don't really get it.

 

Haha, thanks..
Now that I look back and read it, my post kind of makes me sound like a douche.. there's nothing wrong with door slamming if it needs to be done.

 

no no no Nekono, you were just speaking from an experience and wondering 'why'. It definitely did not make you sound like a douche and I still don't think it makes you sound like one.

 

Ok, good. I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings is all
<3

 

Don't worry <3 You have every right to experience what you have experienced!!
I do get what you mean though but honestly if what you said would hurt someones feelings it would work more like a mirror and tbh, that can be healthy. Introspection and growth is kewl

 

thank you, angelic being.

you're kewl beanz!

 

<3 <3

 

I don't think I've ever done it to be honest.

I'm very much a consequentialist when it comes to individual support, and it always comes down to:

Keep supporting & they might take advantage of me

Vs

Stop supporting and they might kill themselves.

Personally I don't have the mental equipment (emotional intelligence?) to make the right choice every time, so I just try to avoid the worst case.