Understanding the INFJ Doorslam

Ren

Ren

Seeker at heart
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
146
INFJs are supposed to be notorious for their ability to doorslam people out of their lives in a seemingly sudden and final fashion. Many of us INFJs, I think, have identified with that (at least to some degree).

But where does that "ability" come from? How can it be explained by reference to the INFJ type and its functional stacking, NiFeTiSe? That is something that remains somewhat obscure to me.

I look forward to your insights, guys. :rainbowlove:
 
I wish there was a way to shut it off. . but it is such a part of me that I seem to have no control, it happens and I'm there before I even understand why sometimes. .
 
This is definitely something I've wondered as well. What makes someone to doorslam people out of their lives? I'm not sure about my type yet (currently thinking of being INFJ... :flushed:), but doorslamming people is really something I've done *cough* few times.
 
Ren said:
But where does that "ability" come from? How can it be explained by reference to the INFJ type and its functional stacking, NiFeTiSe? That is something that remains somewhat obscure to me.

I look forward to your insights, guys. :rainbowlove:
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I had to take time to think about this...

My thoughts are that there are varying degrees of the doorslam and they appear when one is overwhelmed by outside influences/ influencers. For myself it's a way to take the mental pressure off. Also, because our outter environment may be chaotic, an INFJ needs there inner and outter environment to act in harmony.

When a person seems to be invading by crossing boundaries, being disrespectful, or demanding the doorslam happens. This is where it occurs in various degrees, but typically a "leave me be so I can think" reaction.

https://themindsjournal.com/infj-removes-people-from-their-life-with-the-door-slam/

**edit; We may have been the first type to practice Ghosting as well :/
 
I still am learning about the functions so I can't say from that perspective. However, I can explain the process that happens when I do door slam.

In my experience. The only things that makes me door slam are:
I feel that my qualities of helping are being used - It feels very one sided and then, I get very honest and bluntly say what the person needs to stop feeling that way whereas before I try to gently guide it. (I can get blunt when I feel it's one sided. I especially do get blunt when the person is savouring in that 'negative' spotlight)
-negative spotlight/attention/something: - wanting sympathy and needing sympathy are two completely different things!!
Sure, personal situations can affect if someone is seeking sympathy for something unrelated to what is causing them pain. I do like figuring it out (sounds maybe a bit retarded) and then I actively work on healing that, but!! if someone close to me savours in it for a long time (and only wants my sympathy all the time) & there is nothing wrong other than just needing that 'aw' repeatedly! Note this though, this is my guilt talking - I get guilty when I feel like I need to weigh pain. To me its incorrect (who am I to judge) but then sometimes some people just seek to create it and refuse to deal with it while putting it on me & expect me to fix and literally heal everything.
At times I do wonder if it's learned behaviour or if it's an attachment thing - e.g. 'lets go to puzznuzz and get her to give me sympathy to see if she still cares for me'? / 'lets go to puzznuzz and tell her something and get her to give me attention because thats what I grew up doing'.
I do then try to repeatedly make him/her see it - even by bluntly saying it. However if that doesn't work then I eventually door slam. I just can't - it is painful and it feels like it's eating me alive.

Another possibility is if I feel like I'm unheard when I say that something hurts me and is done repeatedly. I will tuck the hurt away and literally ignore it because I think the bigger picture is more important and, I also think it might just be because I might have been in the wrong 'mood' (lol, gaslight myself?). I will continue to give but after a 'while' (can be years) I start slowly shutting down but I do lay out again and again why I feel that way. Eventually I start acknowledging that it makes me feel shit & start seeing that what is happening doesn't correlate with that bigger picture. Then, I just have enough and bam bam door slam.

I guess I sometimes struggle with my emotional boundaries.

Sorry, rant over :D :/

edit: hehe just read the link @Sandie33 posted. Pretty much that. <3
 
Puzzlenuzzle said:
Another possibility is if I feel like I'm unheard when I say that something hurts me and is done repeatedly. I will tuck the hurt away and literally ignore it because I think the bigger picture is more important and, I also think it might just be because I might have been in the wrong 'mood' (lol, gaslight myself?). I will continue to give but after a 'while' (can be years) I start slowly shutting down but I do lay out again and again why I feel that way. Eventually I start acknowledging that it makes me feel shit & start seeing that what is happening doesn't correlate with that bigger picture. Then, I just have enough and bam bam door slam.
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THIS so much! Lol, you took words out of my mouth. I couldn't have explained it better.
 
I've heard of the "door slam" before but I have to say.. I don't think I've ever actually done it. It's very hard for me to give up on someone, and it's sometimes hard for me to say "no" .. Maybe my 2-ness overrides this or something.
 
@neko you are very precious.

Sometimes I wonder if 'we' tend to view the world in a really subjective way and if door slam is a way for us to regulate extreme things that affect our emotions and worldly perspective (people are the centre of my life), and to minimise damage or.. affects/influences because the world feels pretty cold and alone right before a door slam. Or maybe that's just me. I don't know, makes me feel selfish ... I don't really get it.
 
Puzzlenuzzle said:
@neko you are very precious.

Sometimes I wonder if 'we' tend to view the world in a really subjective way and if door slam is a way for us to regulate extreme things that affect our emotions and worldly perspective (people are the centre of my life), and to minimise damage or.. affects/influences because the world feels pretty cold and alone right before a door slam. Or maybe that's just me. I don't know, makes me feel selfish ... I don't really get it.
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Haha, thanks..
Now that I look back and read it, my post kind of makes me sound like a douche.. there's nothing wrong with door slamming if it needs to be done.
 
neko said:
Haha, thanks..
Now that I look back and read it, my post kind of makes me sound like a douche.. there's nothing wrong with door slamming if it needs to be done.
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no no no Nekono, you were just speaking from an experience and wondering 'why'. It definitely did not make you sound like a douche and I still don't think it makes you sound like one.
 
Puzzlenuzzle said:
Lol no no no Nekono, you were just speaking from an experience and wondering 'why'. It definitely did not make you sound like a douche and I still don't think it makes you sound like one.
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Ok, good. I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings is all
<3
 
neko said:
Ok, good. I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings is all
<3
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Don't worry <3 You have every right to experience what you have experienced!!
I do get what you mean though but honestly if what you said would hurt someones feelings it would work more like a mirror and tbh, that can be healthy. Introspection and growth is kewl :tongueclosed:
 
Puzzlenuzzle said:
Don't worry <3 You have every right to experience what you have experienced!!
I do get what you mean though but honestly if what you said would hurt someones feelings it would work more like a mirror and tbh, that can be healthy. Introspection and growth is kewl :tongueclosed:
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thank you, angelic being.

you're kewl beanz!
 
I think it often happens when we are in a loop and not using Fe well. If we can't orchestrate things with Fe and somebody creates disharmony while breaking our internal code of ethics then we don't have time for that shit so bye bye you go. Problem is we create these internal codes without expressing them clearly and openly, often because it's abstract and difficult, unfortunately. They're ideas that make total sense to us personally but if others aren't informed on the particulars of your own internal world, then they'll just continue to act in accordance with their own system, which may or may not be total garbage, but if it's in conflict with our own set of values then theirs might as well be garbage in our eyes, especially while looping.

I've doorslamed but it's very rare for me to truly entirely give up on a person, I simply keep them at a much greater distance, if they still desire to be around me or are required to be for whatever reason.

It's easy for us to do because our inner ethics system is the core of our being.
 
I don't think I've ever done it to be honest.

I'm very much a consequentialist when it comes to individual support, and it always comes down to:

Keep supporting & they might take advantage of me

Vs

Stop supporting and they might kill themselves.

Personally I don't have the mental equipment (emotional intelligence?) to make the right choice every time, so I just try to avoid the worst case.
 
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Wyote said:
I think it often happens when we are in a loop and not using Fe well. If we can't orchestrate things with Fe and somebody creates disharmony while breaking our internal code of ethics then we don't have time for that shit so bye bye you go. Problem is we create these internal codes without expressing them clearly and openly, often because it's abstract and difficult, unfortunately. They're ideas that make total sense to us personally but if others aren't informed on the particulars of your own internal world, then they'll just continue to act in accordance with their own system, which may or may not be total garbage, but if it's in conflict with our own set of values then theirs might as well be garbage in our eyes, especially while looping.

I've doorslamed but it's very rare for me to truly entirely give up on a person, I simply keep them at a much greater distance, if they still desire to be around me or are required to be for whatever reason.

It's easy for us to do because our inner ethics system is the core of our being.
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To elaborate even further, I've observed a somewhat unsettling pattern among infjs even interacting with one another. The default very often is to remain silent on important concepts because whatever the transgression has been, an infj tends to feel as though those things should be obvious to the offender. An infj tends to remain silent even to the detriment of a solidly built relationship. It comes across as though the person never really cared to begin with, because they didn't bother to articulate any reasons why the doorslam was happening. So the "offender" really only has two options of interpretation. Either it's the infj's personal troubles (usually a default thought) or the relationship was not built well to begin with or was in some way deceptive (the more painful reality to accept).

If you make a doorslam move, it's always best to articulate something to the person. Even if it isn't exactly the right thing, as far as your personal feelings about the situation go, at least the other person can walk away knowing that something occurred, instead of simply feeling as though the entirety of the relationship was in some way a falsehood or doomed from the start.

I've thought a lot about the doorslam over the years, because I saw myself doing it in small ways, or at least what I perceived to be small ways, but I may have been interpreted as kind of an asshole for all the times I just sort of left people in the dark due to not agreeing with them on some point of contention. These days, I try to give whatever I get in this regard. If you leave me in the dark, I'll leave you there too.
 
Really interesting insights... this is great, not only for the thread but also for my enlightenment! :) Just to give a bit of background, I think I was motivated to create the thread because I doorslammed somebody a few days ago, and I'm trying to come to terms with why I don't feel too bothered about the possibility of its being final.

Wyote said:
It's easy for us to do because our inner ethics system is the core of our being.
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I think it has to do with that. I did communicate with that person about crossing a boundary and that person repeated it a few months later, and then bam. But it's like some build up had been happening inside me for a long time before even the first "warning". Ni and Ti must play a big role here I'm sure.

I think it really felt like this: "I opened up about this private boundary I have for the sake of saving the friendship, but instead the person disregarded even that, and I can't forgive that." Or maybe it's not even about forgiving, it's more that if the person can't even get that that is important to me, then we just can't be friends at all, there's no point. Maybe this contributes to how unemotional I feel about the whole thing. I'm not sure.
 
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