Understanding the INFJ Doorslam

[Wyote]

I think it really felt like this: "I opened up about this private boundary I have for the sake of saving the friendship, but instead the person disregarded even that, and I can't forgive that."

Breaking a privately shared boundary that has already been given a warning or two is a big trespass. It's important to express the specific level of importance of it, but yea people still just continue to do it for whatever reason, usually it's due to their own weird problems, but at some point you just have to say to yourself ok this isn't good for me and isn't providing me with a positive enough environment.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Really interesting insights... this is great, not only for the thread but also for my enlightenment! Just to give a bit of background, I think I was motivated to create the thread because I doorslammed somebody a few days ago, and I'm trying to come to terms with why I don't feel too bothered about the possibility of its being final.



I think it has to do with that. I did communicate with that person about crossing a boundary and that person repeated it a few months later, and then bam. But it's like some build up had been happening inside me for a long time before even the first "warning". Ni and Ti must play a big role here I'm sure.

I think it really felt like this: "I opened up about this private boundary I have for the sake of saving the friendship, but instead the person disregarded even that, and I can't forgive that." Or maybe it's not even about forgiving, it's more that if the person can't even get that that is important to me, then we just can't be friends at all, there's no point. Maybe this contributes to how unemotional I feel about the whole thing. I'm not sure.

Ren, that's just a case of betrayal, mate. You, and your trust, were betrayed.

I don't think that it's necessarily an INFJ thing, unless the person doesn't know they've been doorslammed.

Have you told them what's actually happened?

 

[Deleted member 16771]

BTW I remembered one occasion where I have actually done this.

 

[Ren]

Breaking a privately shared boundary that has already been given a warning or two is a big trespass. It's important to express the specific level of importance of it, but yea people still just continue to do it for whatever reason, usually it's due to their own weird problems, but at some point you just have to say to yourself ok this isn't good for me and isn't providing me with a positive enough environment.

Yeah, the person is a somewhat unhealthy ENTJ I think, and thinking about it, he had crossed boundaries several times in the past. It's just that I guess I felt sorry for him in some way, because he has qualities but not many people like him. It's weird, that's the kind of situation you hear INFJs can end up in, but it doesn't happen that often with me. I guess it did in that case. Some irl friends of mine that know him would probably be like: "Well, good riddance".

But I think until the end, I remained relatively nice and friendly even in my "warnings", so the sudden doorslam will probably be kind of a shock to him. Oh well.

Ren, that's just a case of betrayal, mate. You, and your trust, were betrayed.

I don't think that it's necessarily an INFJ thing, unless the person doesn't know they've been doorslammed.

Have you told them what's actually happened?

I think you're right that in a sense my trust was betrayed, although I maybe painted it to sound worse than it really was. Still, it was a major thing for me and he knew it.

And no, he doesn't know. I deleted him from Facebook without thinking about it twice and he's essentially gone now. We've known each other for 9 years.

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

To me, a doorslam happens when I all of a sudden just don’t care about another person and the relationship anymore. I think part of the reason why it happens, more in my youth than nowadays, is because I would repress a lot of my negative emotions in order to hold onto a relationship when a lot of those relationships were unhealthy for me. I’ve come to understand that not everything is meant to last and I’m better off verbalizing how I feel, instead of just doorslamming someone in the end. I find that doing this lets people in who are better for me anyway. Instead of playing nicely-nice all the time, I actually filter out people that I need to let go of, if that makes sense.

 

[Ren]

BTW I remembered one occasion where I have actually done this.

Don't hesitate to share if you feel like it.

 

[Ren]

To me, a doorslam happens when I all of a sudden just don’t care about another person and the relationship anymore. I think part of the reason why it happens, more in my youth than nowadays, is because I would repress a lot of my negative emotions in order to hold onto a relationship when a lot of those relationships were unhealthy for me. I’ve come to understand that not everything is meant to last and I’m better off verbalizing how I feel, instead of just doorslamming someone in the end. I find that doing this lets people in who are better for me anyway. Instead of playing nicely-nice all the time, I actually filter out people that I need to let go of, if that makes sense.

This resonates with me. There's definitely some repression going on before the doorslam "happens". I feel like sometimes, I repress because of Fe (I don't want to create conflict); other times because of Ni (I don't wan't to exhaust myself explaining something very difficult to explain).

Still trying to link doorslamming with the INFJ functions as you can see (@Sandie33 I have bookmarked your links!)

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

This resonates with me. There's definitely some repression going on before the doorslam "happens". I feel like sometimes, I repress because of Fe (I don't want to create conflict); other times because of Ni (I don't wan't to exhaust myself explaining something very difficult to explain).

Still trying to link doorslamming with the INFJ functions as you can see (@Sandie33 I have bookmarked your links!)

I would agree that it’s tied to Fe and Ni, and also our super weak Fi. I have a tendency to ignore my own feelings and that takes a toll when it comes to close relationships. I’ve realized that I have to actively focus my attention on myself and sort of ask what is it that I’m feeling and why am I feeling that way. Fi is just not natural to me. I do this in social situations now and find that I don’t get exhausted as much as a result.

 

[Wyote]

I’ve realized that I have to actively focus my attention on myself and sort of ask what is it that I’m feeling and why am I feeling that way. Fi is just not natural to me. I do this in social situations now and find that I don’t get exhausted as much as a result.

:wyotethumb:

 

[dudemanbro]

It is not so much an ability as a crutch in my opinion. Sometimes you have to shut toxic people out of your life, absolutely.

But doing this constantly to me indicates a lack of maturity, inability to handle how others affect you, and/or poor choice of people in your life.

Thank G for it, though, when applied properly.

 

[Asa]

INFJs are supposed to be notorious for their ability to doorslam people out of their lives in a seemingly sudden and final fashion. Many of us INFJs, I think, have identified with that (at least to some degree).

But where does that "ability" come from? How can it be explained by reference to the INFJ type and its functional stacking, NiFeTiSe? That is something that remains somewhat obscure to me.

I look forward to your insights, guys. :rainbowlove:

There is only one form of true door slam. It either is, or is not. If you are willing to interact with, or include, that person in your life again, it is not a door slam. I don't do this often, but when I've done it I really mean it.

If I don't think I can live my entire life without interacting (due to ties I cannot break), even if I don't want to interact, I just avoid them, but that is not door slamming. I also do not door slam anyone I still have feelings about, even if those feelings are pure anger, because emotion fills space.

I'm not really sure where it comes from.

Ni and Fe?

Fe users are susceptible to others' emotions, so we cut off any situation where we could be vulnerable to the toxic person's emotions.

(Lacking Fi) we also lack finesse with deciphering our own emotions, which may (or may not) contribute to the INFJ's famous habit of either caring very deeply or not at all. (And also contributes to not really knowing where door slamming comes from!) Once a person is in the 'not at all zone', we aren't tempted to keep "picking at the scab" so to speak. We don't have feelings for you, and to keep from "ingesting" your feelings we door slam to keep you away from us. I end the risk of absorbing that person's feelings by cutting them out of my reality in every way.


It seems like all the people I deeply care about (romantic love, family, friends, those I respect, favorite musicians, artists, authors, etc) exist in Ni as much as in Fe and (Shadow)Fi. Average people do not inhabit my Ni, even if I “like” them. I feel compassion for all, but they don't get a special gear in my brain. All kinds of people get gummed up in my Fe. Fe is open territory, including for people I would not necessarily invite to be there, so the safest way to keep the "dead to me" people truly away, is to banish them forever.

 

[Wyote]

I end the risk of absorbing that person's feelings by cutting them out of my reality in every way.

Though I stated some jibberish earlier about having people I've doorslammed still in my life in some capacity, this is absolutely the core of it, and when a doorslam does happen I definitely mean it as well and make every effort to cut them out. I've just found that with social media and complex networks of people it is sometimes impossible to do entirely.

But yea, this is it right here.

 

[Asa]

I've just found that with social media and complex networks of people it is sometimes impossible to do entirely.

Social media makes it complicated, and whether or not a door slam is realistic depends on the situation.

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

Though I stated some jibberish earlier about having people I've doorslammed still in my life in some capacity, this is absolutely the core of it, and when a doorslam does happen I definitely mean it as well and make every effort to cut them out. I've just found that with social media and complex networks of people it is sometimes impossible to do entirely.

But yea, this is it right here.

It is a weird feeling. I got in contact once with a friend in college that I doorslammed and within two email interactions, I was like nuh-uh. We’re still “friends” on FB, but basically we’re never going to speak to each other again.

 

[JennyDaniella]

There is only one form of true door slam. It either is, or is not. If you are willing to interact with, or include, that person in your life again, it is not a door slam. I don't do this often, but when I've done it I really mean it.

If I don't think I can live my entire life without interacting (due to ties I cannot break), even if I don't want to interact, I just avoid them, but that is not door slamming. I also do not door slam anyone I still have feelings about, even if those feelings are pure anger, because emotion fills space.

I'm not really sure where it comes from.

Ni and Fe?

Fe users are susceptible to others' emotions, so we cut off any situation where we could be vulnerable to the toxic person's emotions.

(Lacking Fi) we also lack finesse with deciphering our own emotions, which may (or may not) contribute to the INFJ's famous habit of either caring very deeply or not at all. (And also contributes to not really knowing where door slamming comes from!) Once a person is in the 'not at all zone', we aren't tempted to keep "picking at the scab" so to speak. We don't have feelings for you, and to keep from "ingesting" your feelings we door slam to keep you away from us. I end the risk of absorbing that person's feelings by cutting them out of my reality in every way.


It seems like all the people I deeply care about (romantic love, family, friends, those I respect, favorite musicians, artists, authors, etc) exist in Ni as much as in Fe and (Shadow)Fi. Average people do not inhabit my Ni, even if I “like” them. I feel compassion for all, but they don't get a special gear in my brain. All kinds of people get gummed up in my Fe. Fe is open territory, including for people I would not necessarily invite to be there, so the safest way to keep the "dead to me" people truly away, is to banish them forever.

This.

I’ve doorslammed twice in my life, and it’s always been the last resort I would ever go to. When I doorslam, I freaking doorslam. No contact, no interaction whatsoever. I am completely stone cold, and that is freaking rare.

I don’t do it on impulse either. It’s usually after days of deep contemplation whether I should keep interacting with this person or not, and when I don’t have any strong feelings anymore, just indifference.

It’s always a very last resort because I never want to hurt another person’s feelings; but if someone continues to take advantage of my kindness and loyalty, and only just keeps promoting toxicity and drama, you bet your ass I’m shutting the door on you. I don’t give a crap anymore, my Fe is out the window completely.

 

[Ren]

Ni and Fe?

Fe users are susceptible to others' emotions, so we cut off any situation where we could be vulnerable to the toxic person's emotions.

(Lacking Fi) we also lack finesse with deciphering our own emotions, which may (or may not) contribute to the INFJ's famous habit of either caring very deeply or not at all. (And also contributes to not really knowing where door slamming comes from!) Once a person is in the 'not at all zone', we aren't tempted to keep "picking at the scab" so to speak. We don't have feelings for you, and to keep from "ingesting" your feelings we door slam to keep you away from us. I end the risk of absorbing that person's feelings by cutting them out of my reality in every way.

Yeah, I also think Ni, Fe and the associated lack of Fi play a big role, for the reasons you and @Chickensoup gave.

I'm realizing now that the sudden and final quality of the doorslam moment echoes the "eureka moment" associated with Ni.

Like "Eureka! I totally need this person out of my life right now." ^^

 

[Asa]

Like "Eureka! I totally need this person out of my life right now." ^^

Haha. Yeah.

For me it is usually a series of, "Wow, you've failed all the tests I've secretly given you. You cannot stay."

It's the ISTs: INFJ Standardized Test.

I'm sorry, you did not pass your IST. Your score is zero.

 

[Donna Palmer]

INFJs are supposed to be notorious for their ability to doorslam people out of their lives in a seemingly sudden and final fashion. Many of us INFJs, I think, have identified with that (at least to some degree).

But where does that "ability" come from? How can it be explained by reference to the INFJ type and its functional stacking, NiFeTiSe? That is something that remains somewhat obscure to me.

I look forward to your insights, guys. :rainbowlove:

Thank you Ren....I have never heard anyone talk about what I call drop kicking... but door slam works too... thank you so much... Tenacious, patient and giving to a fault INFJs are a wonderful 2 percent ...that same intuition and judgement comes to bear for the decision to drop kick or door slam... it's a GOOD thing when we finally choose self respect.

 

[Infjente]

Although I'd like to, I don't think I can shut someone out completely. I'll still be aware of people's needs, and it's a real bitch because this awareness doesn't decriminate. I can hate you and everything you stand for, but I'm still going to know and feel (you feeling) your pain, and instinctively try to figure out a solution. My "harmometer" won't be unaffected, even when discomfort is well deserved. I can intellectualize my (originally yours) feelings and "feel" better about keeping the door closed. But I would still care/monitor the situation and make sure everything is happening within "human conditions", even though I seem careless. It would be more like locking the door to the best section of my house forever, and see how long you're keen on hanging out in my hallway.

 

[John K]

Crossing of invisible boundaries does it for me. Like several others have said, though, I don't slam the door and walk away, I tend to put a protective "forcefield" around myself and move myself to a mentally and emotionally safe distance. Of course at my age, there isn't the same sharpness and contingency in my relationships as there was in my teens and twenties, when a physical withdrawal was necessary too occasionally. But I have always been as ethically and emotionally distressed about cutting someone as putting up with them, so in most cases I'd allow a bad relationship to die an natural death in autumn rather then cut the branch off.

The trouble is, the boundaries aren't always obvious to me, let alone to others. Anyone who repeatedly puts me into a grip experience is well over one of my boundaries. This can happen just because I've shared too much of my core with them without a proper Fe shield, then regretted it bitterly, and they may not even realise there is something wrong. Another way - I'm socially pretty insecure, and I think this can make it all too easy to team up with others that are the same and are looking for a kindred spirit. Trouble is that there are many different reasons for this sort of problem and most of these guys are not infx empaths. When someone who has a caring empathic nature encourages someone who is an inadequate social vampire that's a recipe for disaster - I only have so much mental and emotional energy and when it runs out it does so abruptly, like a car running out of fuel, and often I wasn't expecting it to run out. It's not just the drain in energy from the 1:1 - this sort of relationship can make it even harder for me to manage my relationships with others. It took me 20 years of adult life to manage this problem (only moderately) effectively. The sad thing is that the other person is not usually to blame for the way they are and my attempt to be friendly may have harmed them even more than it harmed me. Another way it can happen is through others projecting their world view and their values onto me - even after all these years I still find myself taking on the colours of their projections and trying to relate to them on their own ground. Mostly this doesn't matter because my contact with them is limited, but when it isn't, and I end up with a core conflict then that can easily lead to a major withdrawal. This can happen for example when someone tries to get me to participate in a row they are having with others that I disagree with - this is often a problem in the work environment if you are part of a service team.

I think the door slam is a similar reaction to what happens when you realise you are carrying too heavy a load and you have to drop it quickly - or you pick up a cup of coffee and it feels OK at first, but then it starts to burn your hand and you have to put it down quickly. The answer is life - just as a toddler has to learn to walk with a lot of trial and error, and some bumps and tumbles, so do people with strong empathy have to learn out there in the world. To spot the hot cup or the heavy load before picking them up and have a sensible way of dealing with them. This isn't easy, there's a lot of heartache in the process, but unless we are lucky it's the only way I know.