[INFJ] INFJ (M) and ENFP (F) had a fight after a 6th date and she wants to be friends now?

[ordz404]

Alritghtyyy!! Woohoo! calling all INFJS and ENFPs to chime in!!

Here goes! INFJ guy here and was / is dating ENFP lass. We are both in our mid late 30s

I've been dating this ENFP lass for about 2 months. First 3 dates were casual just the two of us having dinners and chats, until the restaurant closed, we had long deep talks and time seemed to just pass until the stores closed. There was (in my opinion) good chemistry.. the banter the teasing and the occasional flirt, and her response of wanting to hit me back.

On the 4th date, i made my move and declared my intention, i asked her permission to date her officially and well we had 3 other dates officially. Things seem to head off on a good start, there wasn't any hand holding, but we got close when sitting to each other, very comfortable in each other's private space. I thought she was just shy and im pretty traditional in terms of dating so we weren't kissing and making out yet.

At this point we had some late night calls and we could chat for a good amount of time etc. Now here comes the kicker two sundays ago, I called her over the phone and just asked her how she was. The start of the conversation was the usual teasing and being silly me, since i was already comfortable being around her and had no issues showing my full self.

Suddenly she starts to bring up the topic about US, and says ... i don't know im thinking about US, and she started coming at me about mentioning us dating to a mutual couple friend of ours, and was curious about their experience when she was volunteering with them. The lass suddenly went ballistic on me saying that we're not dating... we're dating as friends. and went on to justify what her definition of dating is. So i was surprised and told her isn't this what we're doing? and her response was, "I thought that you asking me permission to date was a joke" and i'm like WTF? So i clarified and told her i wasn't joking and i seriously thought we were moving on being exclusive and in the process of heading to courtship. I was so shocked by her statements, i wasnt able to rationally respond immediately since this came out of the blue.

I was quite concerned about her need to justify her definition of dating, and not like clarify what it is now. And it became really, "MY idea of dating VS YOUR idea of dating" and since MY idea of dating it is, it then justifies the "you're kidding about us dating right". She went on "I date my girlfriends", "i go out on dates with groups of people." So i went, hey its you and me, we planned to meet, go for walks do, spend time together. Like what else beside it being a date? I've made my intention clear so whats with the 180?

She then went on with the oh i like you as a friend.. and i believe there is someone else better for you. So im like wtf, is this a shit test? Does she have esteem issues, or feel like im too good for her. I'm into psychology and i did pick out a few concerns about her not valuing herself and her having some esteem issues about how she prides herself in her work.

So i asked the next question and said, why are you raising this up now, and if you thought i was joking about dating you, why didn't you clarify again. We had alot of time between our last date on wed, and i even called her on friday to chat over the phone. Suddenly on the sunday when i called her, she just went ballastic over some person i just casually brought up the subject of dating. ( the person was rather excited about it ) and probably congratulated her or something that we're dating. And she went ballastic, so im sitting here scratching my head? Like whats up with this lass, i mean shes ENFP, but this can be an issue of personal character rather than ENFP.

I was clearly upset and said, there isn't reason for us to be doing this anymore if you just wanna be friends, why even plan for a further date a few days back, when you're feeling like this? So we left the conversation as i said that i had nothing more to say to her at that point. and kinda just left feeling really confused and upset.

The next that after i had regained my composure, i just said okay ive stated my intention, you know im interested, since you clearly acknowledged my confession of love, I take our relationship seriously and was disappointed that you thought our dating was me joking? I just told her I felt hurt by thinking us dating is a joke because i'm emotionally invested. And said im gonna to take some time out from this, i can't just go back being friends with you. that's nuts.

So TLDR, there are two issues. one wants to be friends suddenly, and there was a sudden argument.
I have no idea what happened in-between and one of my mates said that someone close to her might have disapproved our relationship and forced her to pull the brakes.

My other mate commented, maybe she just liked the attention, the nice gift, the nice dinners and the car rides, or she was emotionally immature ... ( for a mid 30 year old lady ) The annoying thing is that she goes on line on whatsapp but she take a gazillion years to respond.

Comments! Nuclear options! blow it to hell! KTHXBAI option.
lemme know what you guys think.?

I obviously didn't blow it to hell in my last text, I'm just thinking we might need some space to cool off though i intentionally told her lets take some time off and cancelled the date we were suppose to have two days later.

I'm not being needy but i reckon if its a fight, and what we're fighting about is irrelevant, i might want to call her soon and ask her.. like seriously what's going on? I can accept that if she tells me she led me on and she's a b!tich great, i'll move on, but if something is bothering her and if there is some degree of misunderstanding.. why not talk it out?

I know im weird for and infj with 4w5 but i can be pretty assertive and know what i want but not push the limits too much that it sounds disrespectful toward her.

Cheers!
Ordz

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Alritghtyyy!! Woohoo! calling all INFJS and ENFPs to chime in!!

Here goes! INFJ guy here and was / is dating ENFP lass. We are both in our mid late 30s

I've been dating this ENFP lass for about 2 months. First 3 dates were casual just the two of us having dinners and chats, until the restaurant closed, we had long deep talks and time seemed to just pass until the stores closed. There was (in my opinion) good chemistry.. the banter the teasing and the occasional flirt, and her response of wanting to hit me back.

On the 4th date, i made my move and declared my intention, i asked her permission to date her officially and well we had 3 other dates officially. Things seem to head off on a good start, there wasn't any hand holding, but we got close when sitting to each other, very comfortable in each other's private space. I thought she was just shy and im pretty traditional in terms of dating so we weren't kissing and making out yet.

At this point we had some late night calls and we could chat for a good amount of time etc. Now here comes the kicker two sundays ago, I called her over the phone and just asked her how she was. The start of the conversation was the usual teasing and being silly me, since i was already comfortable being around her and had no issues showing my full self.

Suddenly she starts to bring up the topic about US, and says ... i don't know im thinking about US, and she started coming at me about mentioning us dating to a mutual couple friend of ours, and was curious about their experience when she was volunteering with them. The lass suddenly went ballistic on me saying that we're not dating... we're dating as friends. and went on to justify what her definition of dating is. So i was surprised and told her isn't this what we're doing? and her response was, "I thought that you asking me permission to date was a joke" and i'm like WTF? So i clarified and told her i wasn't joking and i seriously thought we were moving on being exclusive and in the process of heading to courtship. I was so shocked by her statements, i wasnt able to rationally respond immediately since this came out of the blue.

I was quite concerned about her need to justify her definition of dating, and not like clarify what it is now. And it became really, "MY idea of dating VS YOUR idea of dating" and since MY idea of dating it is, it then justifies the "you're kidding about us dating right". She went on "I date my girlfriends", "i go out on dates with groups of people." So i went, hey its you and me, we planned to meet, go for walks do, spend time together. Like what else beside it being a date? I've made my intention clear so whats with the 180?

She then went on with the oh i like you as a friend.. and i believe there is someone else better for you. So im like wtf, is this a shit test? Does she have esteem issues, or feel like im too good for her. I'm into psychology and i did pick out a few concerns about her not valuing herself and her having some esteem issues about how she prides herself in her work.

So i asked the next question and said, why are you raising this up now, and if you thought i was joking about dating you, why didn't you clarify again. We had alot of time between our last date on wed, and i even called her on friday to chat over the phone. Suddenly on the sunday when i called her, she just went ballastic over some person i just casually brought up the subject of dating. ( the person was rather excited about it ) and probably congratulated her or something that we're dating. And she went ballastic, so im sitting here scratching my head? Like whats up with this lass, i mean shes ENFP, but this can be an issue of personal character rather than ENFP.

I was clearly upset and said, there isn't reason for us to be doing this anymore if you just wanna be friends, why even plan for a further date a few days back, when you're feeling like this? So we left the conversation as i said that i had nothing more to say to her at that point. and kinda just left feeling really confused and upset.

The next that after i had regained my composure, i just said okay ive stated my intention, you know im interested, since you clearly acknowledged my confession of love, I take our relationship seriously and was disappointed that you thought our dating was me joking? I just told her I felt hurt by thinking us dating is a joke because i'm emotionally invested. And said im gonna to take some time out from this, i can't just go back being friends with you. that's nuts.

So TLDR, there are two issues. one wants to be friends suddenly, and there was a sudden argument.
I have no idea what happened in-between and one of my mates said that someone close to her might have disapproved our relationship and forced her to pull the brakes.

My other mate commented, maybe she just liked the attention, the nice gift, the nice dinners and the car rides, or she was emotionally immature ... ( for a mid 30 year old lady ) The annoying thing is that she goes on line on whatsapp but she take a gazillion years to respond.

Comments! Nuclear options! blow it to hell! KTHXBAI option.
lemme know what you guys think.?

I obviously didn't blow it to hell in my last text, I'm just thinking we might need some space to cool off though i intentionally told her lets take some time off and cancelled the date we were suppose to have two days later.

I'm not being needy but i reckon if its a fight, and what we're fighting about is irrelevant, i might want to call her soon and ask her.. like seriously what's going on? I can accept that if she tells me she led me on and she's a b!tich great, i'll move on, but if something is bothering her and if there is some degree of misunderstanding.. why not talk it out?

I know im weird for and infj with 4w5 but i can be pretty assertive and know what i want but not push the limits too much that it sounds disrespectful toward her.

Cheers!
Ordz

How did you split the bills?

 

[ordz404]

How did you split the bills?

I usually paid for her meals, and told her its the last two times its a date!!!

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I usually paid for her meals, and told her its the last two times its a date!!!

Lol.

She's a user.

She knows exactly what you thought it was about, and is pulling this bullshit on you to wriggle out of any commitments, avoid accountability, and make you feel bad about it as she does so.

There are red flags all over this girl, I'm sorry to say. I would drop her.

 

[Rit4lin]

There are red flags all over this girl, I'm sorry to say. I would drop her.

Seconded.
You gotta:

 

[ordz404]

Lol.

She's a user.

She knows exactly what you thought it was about, and is pulling this bullshit on you to wriggle out of any commitments, avoid accountability, and make you feel bad about it as she does so.

There are red flags all over this girl, I'm sorry to say. I would drop her.

Haha, mate. that's some intuit shitz going on.
New word i learnt today. I knew about "players" but oh "users"... thats pretty intersting.
I did pay for all her meals. and yes. since i'm not too deeply emotionally invested I can drop her and move on.
I'm was thinking like her forcefulness in wanting to justify her version of dating and to "weasel" out of what we're actually doing was... quite interesting...

 

[slant]

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. You deserve somebody who actually wants to be with you. I know it's hard but you know what to do. You know what you deserve.

 

[ordz404]

Thank you very much for the responses so far!

Any ENFP lasses willing to give me some insight?
Or what do other ladies think about her behaviour? bizzaare? or just simply liking the attention and privileges i provided?

 

[slant]

Thank you very much for the responses so far!

Any ENFP lasses willing to give me some insight?
Or what do other ladies think about her behaviour? bizzaare? or just simply liking the attention and privileges i provided?

When someone wants to be with you they make it very clear. There are no games. Only honesty and it's very smooth and easy. That's not her behavior. Who knows what her motivations are. We waste a lot of time wondering why. Sometimes it eats at us. But at the end of the day it has nothing to do with you. What does, is how you choose to react.

 

[Korg]

Thank you very much for the responses so far!

Any ENFP lasses willing to give me some insight?
Or what do other ladies think about her behaviour? bizzaare? or just simply liking the attention and privileges i provided?

I'm neither female nor an ENFP but Deleted member 16771 is steering you correctly.

You're simping for this girl and the "relationship" has no chance. You are being used and it's awful. Throw everything overboard and start again.

 

[Asa]

I agree with the others that you should end it. She's a game player and knew exactly what you meant when you asked to date her "officially".

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

I'm afraid I agree with everybody else here @ordz404
She may or may not have some unresolved personal issues (it feels likely she does), but that doesn't mean continuing things is a good idea.

 

[Wyote]

You agreed to date and she doesn't wanna date.
Pretty straight forward. Don't waste your time.

 

[Gyan]

An old man said..."Only kiss the girls that are leaning toward you."
I sense that since you said you could never go back to be friends that you are attached to her more than she you. I've learned many times over that attachment NOT love that brings pain. Don't be attached but just love unconditionally. Then you can be friends and enjoy long and stimulating talks, that you may or may not learn from. I wouldn't dump anyone but I learned not to attach and everything is good.

 

[Daustus]

I'd not spend anymore time on this terrible garbage person. Move on. Ugh. Sorry for your head and heartache. Dating is the worst.

 

[mintoots]

Abort mission and abandon girl, Ordz. Good for you for recognizing and saying you don't want to be friends. All the advice preceding this are already good. The only thing I want to add is for you and your hurt. It must feel cold to be in that space. You must be frustrated. I say use that frustration to stay away. There are times when we sort of mellow down, and depending on how well we like the person, we tend to wonder about certain other perspectives. You can think about those until you find a resolution that sticks well with you, but never forget your pain and frustration when making a decision. Those things usually say a lot about your welfare.

 

[ordz404]

Hey guys, i just wanna say a quick thank you!! Im amongst sages and feel comforted with like minded . Rather than convince myself otherwise, the only regret which i’ve feel i really had was not leaning at the point the argument.

However it being so sudden, my head wasn't in the analytical space and i didn't poke at the sentence of you deserve someone better. I was just in shock and i didn’t bounce back quick enough. Obviously this is different if i was addressing an adhoc couselling session of sorts. Oh wells!

But yes, walk away.. don't look back.

Ordz

 

[Deleted member 16771]

But yes, walk away.. don't look back.

Hey, just remember that it's OK if you feel sad about this. You invested in this girl; that's energy which can't be taken back.

Yoy don't have to put on a front of strength or attempt to appear unfazed if that's not what you actually feel.

This was a sucky situation and a disappointment, and it needs to be digested.

 

[Asa]

However it being so sudden, my head wasn't in the analytical space and i didn't poke at the sentence of you deserve someone better. I was just in shock and i didn’t bounce back quick enough. Obviously this is different if i was addressing an adhoc couselling session of sorts. Oh wells!

It never hurts to get feedback about these things. Judgment, reason, and intuition can be clouded by romance. We all make romantic mistakes.

 

[ordz404]

Yoy don't have to put on a front of strength or attempt to appear unfazed if that's not what you actually feel.

I definitely do feel disappointed and I definitely feel hurt but I do also take reference from my previous abusive relationship that lasted about a year and that grief process was much longer simply because of the intensity of the relationship until while that was in emotional investment in this relationship it was really different.

The only unfortunate thing is that while I thought I was being careful pacing our dates it’s still turned out this way. So I grief The companionship that I have and also the fun and play that we had and missing someone whom I thought I could connect deeply so these are the things that I miss these are the things that I grief about so yeah I wouldn’t say I’m unfazed.

it’s definitely going to take me some time to be able to trust in love again but I do believe time will heal or things but I will still need time for healing to take place and the heartache that I experience right now I really don’t know how to describe it in the sense of it it is profound it hurts definitely but it is the hurt that doesnt bring me to tears

The strange thing is that I also received a postcard from a very good friend who lived in another country whom I was really close with and somehow I really got emotional about that and shared quite a bit of tears and choked on my words but somehow when it came to the grief of this passing relationship I felt more disappointed and upset and I feel let down and betrayed in some sense

And I’m definitely a feeling person but somehow this is the extent of my grief and I don’t think I am consciously or subconsciously trying to diss associate pain or trying to compartmentalise my pain. I’m definitely feeling pain but I also feel that perhaps I am able to cope much better with pain and rejection or at least that’s what I think it is