[INFJ] - INFJ (M) and ENFP (F) had a fight after a 6th date and she wants to be friends now? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] INFJ (M) and ENFP (F) had a fight after a 6th date and she wants to be friends now?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by ordz404, Dec 29, 2020.

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  1. CuriousENFP

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    ENFP here-I have similar vibes to that girl, but I don't want to hurt anyone like the way she did, using ur money and spending it all. But I think immature ENFPs like me tend to be flirty and shy, and bounce around quite a bit. I like to be validated and I like to be loved by different friend groups, and seen as attractive to many people. I went out with an INFJ and I was very flakey(true to the stereotype,wtf), and afterwards I started trusting him but suddenly became very shy. But regardless, she went overboard. I wouldn't want someone to pay for my meals, and I am sorry to hear that she strung you along.
    Personally, there were guy friends who started liking me, and I got to admit, I loved the attention but wasn't into them. They were financially worse off also because they were not working while I was. I tried to tell them gently in the end that I was not interested/hoping that they would pull up their socks and become more financially stable before finding a gf. Also objectively/subjectively they were not attractive to me at all.
    When I was younger, I actually tried dating people that I wasn't into-hopefully their personality might make me fall in love with them-didn't work. Could it be what was happening with this girl?
    But the recent INFJ I had a crush on, I wasn't really attracted to his looks, but I liked his personality, mannerisms and intellect, and it just happens.
     
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  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

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    Fucking hell, lol.

    Well I applaud your honesty, at least.
     
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  3. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    Hey just curious, would you mind telling me your age range? You dont have to give me an exact number if you don't feel comfortable with that.
     
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  4. CuriousENFP

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  5. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition Well-known member

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    I am not an ENFP but I have done this to people. It was never intended to be malicious or hurtful. In these situations the potential relationship looked good on paper and I tried to give the individuals a chance and also give myself a chance to get to know them so that I could make a fully informed decision about where I wanted things to go. Unfortunately they were more interested in me than I was in them at the onset and I couldn't meet them where they were at. When I was younger I didn't really have a concept of how to walk away or terminate things and I think I caused people more pain than necessary because of it. On one hand, I knew they deserved better than I could give them and on the other I even felt a little resentful that they expected so much out of me so soon when we barely knew each other and because of that it just got messy. Ideally I would have known I wasn't interested just as fast as they knew they were interested but that's just not how it works sometimes. Dating is sometimes shitty.

    All this to say, she may not have intentionally been using you or misleading you or maybe she was but it doesn't actually matter. The information you have now says she doesn't want to pursue a romantic relationship and the way she went about rationalizing that was pretty bizarre but now you know that nothing will happen and you can cut her loose. I wouldn't want to keep her friendship and the way she dealt with this she shouldn't expect you to be ok with being friends either.
     
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  6. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    Well, i think the more frustrating thing is the inability for her to be honest, the fact that i was clear in my mind asking her permission to date, and to address this situation in a most sudden way has been rather dis-tasteful. To regard intention and permission as a joke... i dont really have much to left to say about it. There wasn't the "I'm not sure about this, can we be clear that we're dating as friends first?....No, but the flirting went on, There was no intentionality on her end to pace and take it slow. It was just ambiguous, and it feels awful to be "played".

    Sure it can just be a matter of she being unsure of what she wanted. Its just sudden, without warning because everything just seem liked it was going well and we weren't fighting and even in our last date there weren't signs of withdrawal. Well, i guess you're right, it doesn't really matter anymore at this point. I'm not going to force something she doesn't want, and i don't want this matter to consume more of my mental energy than it need to. I didn't understand why we needed to fight suddenly, and her adamant position to justify what a date is. But anyways, its clear - she doesn't want to date anymore so i'm not gonna hang around. I was pretty restrained in my response, and honestly i'd like to have told her "eh i have enough friends to come around. I don't need more friends :tonguewink:, infact let me say hi to mr dark."

    This isn't someone i met on a dating site. She was someone i did have some level of friendship back and forth with many years ago. But i guess, her response after me having said my piece will also be testament to her character and emotional maturity. I do find myself strange as INFJ, i somehow feel im a little more pro-active in wanting to resolve issues and having a high desire for clarity in communication.
     
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  7. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    Hmmmm.... OK.

    I definitely let male friends pay for things if they offered when I was younger, and before I was married. I also accepted gifts and favors. At the time I considered this "normal". I call this "beauty privilege" because people (mostly women) who attract a lot of admirers grow accustomed to receiving gifts, favors, and help to get what they want out of life. I am not proud of this, and I changed as I matured. However, one thing is very clear: Whenever a man asked to date me, or asked me to be his girlfriend, I understood exactly what he meant and said, "No," if I wasn't interested. This question is clear.

    My attitude now is that "nothing is free". If I receive a gift or favor, I owe a gift or favor. I've had many discussions with women (mostly younger, but not always) who disagree with me about this and think that if a man offers it is free for them to take without any strings. Perhaps the only string is the woman's time and attention, but it is still a string.
     
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  8. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    Well yeah sometimes I don’t know what would surprise me any more these days. I honestly wasn’t expecting this kind of situation out of someone who is in her mid 30s but then again physical age and emotional each or two very separate things and it was my misjudgement to have assumed that she would behave otherwise

    Dear of course interesting things which and she said about herself especially when I teased her about being a thug she would deny that and tell me to call her princess and will I thought it was just part of her personality perhaps it does bring other kinds of connotations As to how she actually perceives herself

    I must say that she is quite a cute lady but there were also signs that she might be emotionally unavailable but I kind of brushed it off as part of a personality. And equally concerning is that I don’t know if she meant it as a joke but she did say that now that she’s got her gift maybe she should run away so that was kind of a Red flag as well though cause I was teasing her about being a runaway lion

    Well so like I said I’ve left her a text message and I’ve re-iterated my position said I was disappointed that we needed to put distance between us But I also said you’re always bothering you and if you want to talk then I will listen and I just left it as that and I’m intentionally choosing not to put in any more energy into reaching out since I believe I’ve made myself fairly clear about it
     
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  9. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

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    I don't think you should listen at all.

    This girl is garbage.
     
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  10. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    @ordz404 – The behavior I described is something I've witnessed with thirty-somethings and older, even with women in their fifties, either because they are naive about why it is going on, or because they know exactly what is going on and take advantage.
    Sometimes women who don't accept gifts or free lunches are called names like "cold", and "bitch", though. This exchange is still expected to some degree. Women aren't necessarily evil for doing this, it's just residue from a different era when there were different social expectations. Personally, I'm more comfortable being called a "bitch" for rejecting a gift, than leading a man on. (Plus, the more devious a man's intent, the worse the names he calls me are, so it is a good indicator of dodging a bullet.)

    In your case, your communication was clear and she pretended she didn't understand so she could get free meals and attention. You're better off turning your attention toward someone who will give you attention in return. Your communication skills will help you navigate. <3
     
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  11. Winterflowers

    Winterflowers Community Member

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    I totally agree with Asa about this. And really everything she's mentioned. I refuse affectionate gifts by default, for the very reason that I'd rather not people feel used after they come to terms that I'm not interested - and had I been, buying gifts wouldn't be necessary. My personality may not have been like hers @ordz404 ; make of that what you will.

    This reminds me of a quote, I think by Margaret Thatcher. "If you must insist on being called a lady, then you're not."
    Things like this or that she joked about 'running away after getting her gift' are definitely red flags. They're like testing the waters, done playfully, and to me implies it's habit in her relationships. That you said there were signs she was emotionally unavailable matches my internal picture of her too; it's why I thought she might possibly reach out to you in the future, and also why I feel she defended her concept of dating like she did. Her way of reasserting borders.

    Is she garbage? Maybe. You could spend years helping somebody, see little progress & gain nothing. Or perhaps you'd be good friends (I doubt it'd be more). It's your time to use as you see fit. Not investing further energy though... that seems prudent to me.

    Also, thank you for your restrained response. I feel that shows good character on your part ^_^
     
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  12. Wyote

    Wyote ┄⍹┄
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    You want a lady who is a gangster and a princess.
    Hard pass.
     
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  13. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    With regards to the gift I thought that was pretty obvious that she wanted it I get teased her about the gift on several occasions and clearly she knew what it was.

    And when I teased her about not giving her the gift because she had failed to identify what it was when I teased her with a quiz she said that no that’s mine and that I should buy one more for myself.

    So that was a very clear intention to Ramp up the teasing about the gift. And it wasn’t something that I gave suddenly it was a Christmas present that I had prepared already for some time and slowly tease her about it and then I said no I’m not giving it to you she would deliberately show me those cats eyes with water with watery tears know that your emoji

    Until when I handed over the Christmas present to her she made a comment and said oh I’ve got the Gfit now maybe I should run away. She clearly knew what the Christmas present was and she clearly wanted it so it just wasn’t a gift that I gave suddenly out of the blue that was also deliberate

    But you know the saying you’re someone shows you who they are you better believe it and if you wanna find out someone intention you should observe their behaviour treating the waiter or waitress.

    In my own version I’ve showered her With my concern, care, wisdom and resources treated her with respect and this is what I get back so I suppose that behaviour itself is quite telling. And if someone mistreats the privileges that is given to them then it also shows a measure of their heart and maturity perhaps
     
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  14. Professor Snep

    Professor Snep Smart. Sexy. Snep.

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    Did you pay the gold or the iron price?
     
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  15. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    Gold. I wouldn't have anything to do with someone I'd pay the price of iron with. LOL.
    If a friend gives me a gift perhaps I won't return the favor immediately, but I make sure I do.

    Exactly. No persuasion or devices are needed to get my attention if I'm interested.

    @ordz404 – This woman sounds immature and selfish. I'm sad she used you. You'll meet someone better suited for you.
     
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  16. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    Yeap, sounds about pretty much how the cookie crumbles. Disappeared into thin air! Poooof! Maybe some people are conflict adverse. I find myself in a very strange place these days.
    Not that I run head on into conflict, but im also learning more about myself on how I handle conflict in my 30s after being re-typed as INFJ. I waited a day, sent a text, waited a few more days and sent a text.
    But there also comes a point when my patience runs out. And i'm like hokay, you do you, and i'll do me. Even being friends for more than 6 7 years, i suppose not all friendships even with the long history means nothing at this point.

    Well I do appreciate the responses, Asa. Well, i guess its time to abandon-ship and swim back to the shoreline, wherever that is.

    Ordz
     
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  17. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Honestly, I've been in situations where I chase women and it's not good to do that. If she doesn't want to get to know you and you're not trying to be friends, just ignore her.

    I know it sounds cold and mean to just ignore people but there's more important things to focus on than some flakey lady.

    I know it hurts but it's for the better.
     
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