ForgefatherJ
Three
- MBTI
- INFJ
Hello. This is very weird to be here for me. I have gone back and forth over the course of about a month to even mention this here, so many of the following info is from a month ago but it is still ongoing and I am still mulling over how to proceed. I recently had such a traumatic experience that I have been processing all this time and the strain is too much. So in desperation, I come here for advice. I have typed this several times now but have never posted and have ultimately decided advice is needed badly enough to proceed. We shall see if this ends up actually being posted or another abandoned attempt. This will likely be very long and I greatly apologize for its length. There is a lot on my mind. And I apologize further considering the contents of this inner turmoil will be very heavy to read.
I only recently looked into psychology as a result of all of this mess by happenstance. I don't know why I never have before tbh but suffice it to say I find it very fascinating. I stumbled upon this when I was researching certain behaviors to possibly explain the why and how this situation happened when it comes to relationship norms and behaviors. And then a video popped up, either an INFJ directly or one on Hypersensitivity and needless to say it would start a rabbit hole of a deep dive into the subject. Throughout this research I have come to the conclusion that there is a high chance I am most likely an INFJ. Which I have mixed feelings on. On one hand to finally have answers why I have always felt so out of place is a breath of fresh air. To know that all of the odd things I do, how I have always felt like a contradiction and changing so much to those around me is a relief to know it is actually not abnormal, just uncommon. On the other hand, it is depressing to know as well. This world is hard on all types by default but it is often harder for those that are built different from the way most people think. Some part of me wishes I were some other type if I'm honest. But even so, I am grateful for who I am at the same time. My capacity for compassion and empathy and seeing the worth and wonder in the world is something I am so grateful for. Especially with how messed up the world can be. To be visually artistic and seeing the beauty so many miss, for enjoying the small things, I am blessed for. But so many of these same gifts can easily be the greatest weapons against me and that is a terrible burden all at the same time. And recently something happened that I cannot overcome alone but am forced to face alone anyways. And I do not know what to do. To quote a favorite fictional character, "I do not want this present and I want the future that follows, even less."
As you might have guessed, I do not have many friends. Currently only a DND group and of them only one truly close friend. Reflecting on it I think only 1 other (maybe 2) friends I was ever more close than an average acquaintance level friend. One of those was how I met this friend. For the last 5 or 6 years (maybe more, I kinda lost track TBH) since, it has been pretty good for the most part. I met this friend through a friendsgiving or huggies and chuggies party the other friend had invited me to. (On a side note, now knowing why I was always so tired at these events and later happy hours and stuff makes so much sense in retrospect.) My friend and I would pretty quickly hit it off and become friends and I found out about him and some friends wanting to play a DND campaign which is something I always wanted to do but had no one to do it with. We started DND in person with 4 but at some point, one of them had to travel so we had to go online to continue. I did not have the means to do this at the time so it was eventually decided I would just play at my friend's house still with an extra laptop. And this would be how I grew so close to my friend. After DND, becoming an environment for the kind of conversations that are so desired by an INFJ type and it is so strange to me that even then I knew that before even hearing a word about any of the MBTI types at all. All the Friday or Saturday nights we spent often talking through the night and sometimes till morning were such a breath of fresh air that I never actually realized I needed. While I loved DND of course, deep down, I often looked forward to these moments even more. Rather than being excited for DND itself, I was excited to talk to my friend and until now, I never knew why. I just assumed it was just having a best friend and not having very many of those in my life. And I suppose in a way that is part of it. It is to my regret that I never told my friend this, despite thinking I should a couple of times and now wondering if maybe it would have changed things but deep down I know that it would not have changed anything. Regardless, I learned many things about my friend as you may be able to guess during these talks and have helped him plenty of times too as he's helped me out a few times. And so it makes what eventually happened hurt more and be even more of a blindside I naively believed wouldn't happen.
I have not been perfect in all of this to my regret and my mistakes are part of what haunts me so much and wishing I could change that has been on my mind a lot. I do wonder if this might have influenced what happened in some way but how my friend acted before this would tell me otherwise even if what happened afterwards is further confusing. I would end up spending a good 6 months at my friend's house which I regret a lot. Despite him saying he loved having me over (and in some ways he did mean it) I could tell he wasn't entirely happy with that outcome though he never actually told me that. You might wonder then how someone believing themselves to be an INFJ was even capable of that considering our generally harmonious and people pleasing nature and it is a bit complicated honestly.
For the last 10+ years I have been through constant mental and physical pain and I have endured it all. When I had to leave the Military, far earlier than I'd like due to a bad back and after having put so much hard work into reaching that goal, I was devastated and that pain still plagues me and probably always will despite chiropractic help. Thankfully that service has provided some things available that might help that I am working on achieving so there is some good from it at least. Still, losing that job that I liked and to something out of my control, was hard. Learning how to be a functioning person in a completely different environment outside the Military is another hard mountain to overcome (still an ongoing process.) From then I would face a lot. I've seen dear loved ones pass, lost jobs (still trying to find one after the last) and all manner of pain and medical hardships all within 10 years. From the back pain to the far worse pain from a gallbladder removal which at the very least isn't chronic but was one of the worst pain I have ever been through and even down to a throat issue that left it harder to eat even for an annoyingly long amount of time. It was always something. Picked myself up from one thing only to be hit by a hammer from another problem. Knocking me to the ground but my armor and shield still holding strong. Battered and bruised but not truly broken. I can still acknowledge that it could be far worse of course and many out there would probably consider what I have been through and the help I have had throughout as being more blessed than their situation and that is fair. But still, it is a lot for one person to bear. I would take to loving photography, which would help provide a respite and enough of a recharge to keep walking. One painful step after the next.
Throughout all of this one way or another I had to stay with a parent out of necessity which is another form of stress that I never actually realized was one until now. I love my parents dearly but they can be very stifling at times. There is little semblance of a safe space to be truly isolated and alone and the best I can do is to shut it out with music or photography, or something as best as I can, which often is irrelevant, since they still bug me anyways. (Mini off topic/ kinda on topic rant but seriously, who sees someone wearing headphones and just starts talking? Leave me alone or at least get my attention first, I literally can't hear you. Both do this, it's so irritating!) Despite not having a safe space and never realizing I was so stressed partly because of that, I have nonetheless endured that all this time. (still do till I achieve my current most prominent goal of finding a job to at least get this life back on track a little.) I have endured the strain I knew and this unregistered strain for almost 10 years being wrecked all the while and never knowing why, all the way up until a beloved cat died and brought about a new hell, I never even anticipated. Fleas.
My parents house which despite it's flaws, was at least a home to provide some things like a roof over my head and some level of safety until I could actually muster my strength again and truly get back on my feet and many of my past experiences helped to keep me a little more frozen in place than I would like. To be assaulted mentally for years, never fully knowing why or how to help and then physically by tiny little buggers was truly the straw that broke the camels back. I would go to exhausting lengths to not only ensure they did not get on me there for my own comfort, but also that they did not leave with me for I did not want to bring them to my friend's home for DND on the weekends. Not only for his safety but his pup that I adored and often puppysit, which would have been more susceptible to the plague. Having to suffer the other surviving cat's discomfort was painful enough. I did not want the pup to go through that either. And so facing this further level of strain after already facing too much, I would eventually end up staying at my friend's longer than I intended and that is something I still feel guilty about. But the plague of fleas wasn't the only reason I stayed longer than I should have. My friend whether he realized it/subconsciously realized it or flat out didn't and just didn't care, provided something I needed but did not have with my parent. Something I have only ever had once otherwise when it comes to a living situation and did not realize till recently it was a need for me. Peace and quiet. We would still spend hours sometimes talking but when I needed to be alone it was granted. Whether that was intended or just lack of realizing and caring, it was granted all the same. He would rarely bug me if I needed time alone. And so, despite knowing that my friends statement of being glad to have me there was both true but also a lie and that he wasn't entirely comfortable with it, I stayed all the same. For the alternative was an environment that had truly grown too hard to be able to bear. I still feel guilty about this decision but in that moment I truly did not know what to do. I tried my best to job search but also let the burden of the situation affect me at the same time more than I should have. Ultimately this market is hard enough right now and I did not find a job in time. But it was helping. Slowly but surely, I was starting to rise again. I mustered my strength and I braced myself for that inevitable hammer. But what I found instead was a gunshot to the heart rather than the hammer I was expecting. Bypassing my armor and shield entirely.
Dating these days is very difficult for everyone. My friend included. I knew from all the long talks he was lonely in that way as so many are. I tried to be the friend to help as best as I could and at least provide a friend to talk to for that type of companionship but I knew he also very much wanted to find a partner. Dating sites never worked for me and they never worked for him much either and I could see the toll it was taking. I watch a bunch of stuff including some stuff about that topic of dating and the negatives and positives and so I suggested to my friend because of some of those that we should try speed dating. We are both arguably best in person. He wanted to but we never ended up doing it. And then he would actually have some luck on one of those sites. I was happy for him of course cuz I could tell how he felt but there were some red flags off the bat. Even he was a tad worried to meet her since it was pretty immediate after he started talking to her which I thought was odd. And then pretty soon, he'd bring her back to his place and I would meet her too. Which is another major red flag I had with all of this that I noticed. It was moving far too fast. This meeting i don't recall exactly, but it was either the weekend he first met her or about a week after, I'm not sure. But still very fast considering what would happen at this initial meeting. And he met her initially the day he started talking to her if I recall. Which was what was so odd about that.
After learning about this INFJ thing, I can recall a few times where I might have used intuition and didn't realize it but for most of my life if I did, I think I don't really remember it or put it out of mind. Or I got lucky. My home State is known for having good people usually after all. I can recall a moment at the first job I had after the Military with a usually friendly manager that may have been an alarm bell going off that they weren't as nice as they pretended to be and possibly another job later where a couple people I always felt weird around but not sure. And then 2 times after being in this better environment at my friend's house and starting to actually heal, where alarm bells were going off about someone. One was a random we met at a bar and I don't know how she actually ended up at my friend's place TBH. And the other was his current GF. And that was arguably the strongest feeling I had of all. Upon meeting her, she just felt . . . off. I've never felt that strong a feeling before. I was watching something before he came back and getting really close to dozing off so I was about to head to bed until they arrived. I only briefly actually talked to her, the rest was her talking to my friend that I could hear and something about her woke me up completely and I actually had little desire and even had trouble later going to sleep. I went from nearly falling asleep watching something to having trouble in the span of a few minutes. And it wasn't due to just meeting her or anything. I have been to several friends get togethers and there have been unmet friends or even randoms over and I have never felt like this before with any of them. This was something different. I told him she felt off and he chalked it up to just meeting her and that was a valid assumption. I didn't even know why I felt this way myself. Afterwards, I would eventually figure out why she felt off and what her true motive likely is. But by the time I did, one other change would happen that would leave me unable to relay my fears and concerns to my friend.
So, this woman is Iranian/Persian and in the US for schooling in a similar tech field as my friend. Once that schooling is over in about 3 years, she will have to go back with no option to renew. I can feel for her not wanting this outcome because from what she has said, it sounds like a pretty terrible place and despite my SUS perception about her, I wouldn't want her to go back there either. She is constantly worried for her parents that still live there and in her shoes i'd be scared too. But still there are many red flags about her that has me questioning her motives and I believe I know what it is. The relationship is moving at light speed. Far, far too fast. When I initially met her, which again was at most a week after they met but I think it might have been the weekend of tbh, she was already asking for exclusivity. And at about a month and a half they started living together. So they went from intro, immediately into exclusively dating within that first weekend/week, to living together in a little over a month. My friend had a friends with benefits that he hadn't done anything with in a very long time. He was mostly just being a good friend to her due to her past. The poor girl has faced terrible abuse from past relationships and had some severe bodily harm that really affected her life as a result of it. She was energetic, eccentric and a little selfish but the times I met her, she also seemed sweet. One night, around that exclusivity stage for my friend and his GF (which again was pretty much immediately) the friends with benefits apparently had a mental breakdown since a recent BF who had also abused her apparently got released and was threatening her (seriously, poor thing cannot catch a break and it breaks my heart) and he needed to go see her to help. Since my friend had drunk a bunch, I drove him out there. I'm grateful we could be there for her but it sucked hard too. It was literally the entire night and morning and I had a chiropractor appointment the next day around midday and we left halfway through morning so I had to go the whole night with no sleep which sucked hard. But still glad we could help at least and exhaustion is a small price to pay to ensure her personal safety. But then the GF found out about that and it was probably about a day or so after they went exclusive, so it was very new and my friend made it abundantly clear to the friend he helped and the GF it was solely to help her only and he even had me as a witness to prove it. But the GF still asked that he block her. He wouldn't and only removed her on Snapchat and unfortunately the friend he helped snapped and sent a verbal tirade which the GF heard and kinda forced his hand on the matter. And I understand all of that. She went too far and I could understand a GF not wanting to have any potential distractions with a formerly intimate person. But usually you just ask they don't see the person. To have requested in the first place a permanent block upon knowing of her existence even, seems awfully harsh to me. And that was requested before her tirade so in her eyes she was just someone he knew. After the tirade it's more understandable. But before is a bit harsh.
From there, there would be more red flags. While I understand needing me to move out again, (wish I had recharged more of my energy before that but is what it is) it was of course rough to go into an environment that would stress me out again. I was stressed at my friend's too of course for being there but less so than otherwise but it was getting worse around the GF too though. But in my time there observing and when I would stop by for DND, there was something I noticed. He did the giving and she did the taking. Exclusively. I understand a guy will give more in the relationship since that is so often the standard in the world but it is more. Not all. There is always sacrifices on both sides you do because you love the other person. At least in a healthy relationship there is. I could understand no monetary sacrifice for her due to student loans but the level my friend has given even for that is a bit ridiculous. My friend is not rich but he is well off to live a comfortable life. They go out drinking often and probably more so now and my friend always pays for them both. She is often drunk or high, another thing he often pays for. There are 2 things I don't think he would have bought or at least would have waited a while before doing it if she hadn't been with him. He got a brand new couch, which TBF was something he always wanted to do but didn't want his pup to chew a new one too and he never really uses it anyways since he doesn't have company over often but that one was a bit more understandable and probably needed much less convincing. The thing that was out of left field was a pool. I know that was entirely her cuz she likes to swim and he's never mentioned any desire to get one, so he wouldn't have got one if she hadn't been around. So he got 2 expensive items ultimately at her request on top of drink and drugs. The latter having traveled a couple hours away to get a few times. Plus other things as well.
So, while I would expect her to give something not of the monetary means, I would expect time in her case due to student costs and stuff but even that is not sacrificed. My friend has been absent several sessions. shortly after them meeting we had to wait on him for an hour cuz he was in the other room being intimate with her. This was both kinda hilarious and disrespectful to everyone there to make everyone wait because of a reason like that. But new relationship, you want to spend time together and she wasn't gonna stay the weekend, so I get it. Once more before she left, I understand the desire to do that. But it still doesn't make it any less disrespectful to the group. At the time, the server we played on was very prone to crashing and that was one of the reasons we were waiting on him. Thankfully that is fixed now. The weekend or 2 after this, they would go out to swim and he didn't make it back and of course the server crashed. So rather than the 4 hours of gameplay we only played 2. He told me later they easily could have made it back but she didn't want to and wanted to spend more time together. Still early in the relationship when the desire to spend time together is strongest. But qside from those 4 hours and the couple of days my friend goes into the office on his hybrid schedule he works which still isn't concrete, they pretty much spend ALL of their time together. So they are not starved for time at all. But even that is not enough cuz those 4 hours with the guys are often interrupted or interjected on by the GF on top of the absences. On one hand I do understand the honeymoon phase affecting this so I do understand how this is happening but still, the level of constant contact, despite that strong pull, is quite frankly too much time. A healthy relationship needs time to breathe. Which is why most spend weeks before committing, months before living together, and a healthy balance from time together/intimacy and being apart and spending time with friends and doing personal hobbies and interests. You are 2 individual people coming together as a whole. But still, 2 individuals that need to have their own autonomy. To be joined at the hip so constantly is so often a recipe for disaster. And I know full well if that hits it will devastate my friend. And this all has not been ideal for me either because the times I would talk to him after DND were now completely absent. I kinda felt replaced tbh. Which hurts after all the times I was there for him. Around this time I would ask friends in this circle and a few online what they thought about this situation to confirm my suspicions. And I had many that agreed.
It was around this period of constant time together with no time apart, that my assessment would finish and I would realize what is going on but by then, he was never alone anymore so I could not relay my fears to him regarding her. I did not want to blatantly upset her despite my perceptions and distrust of her, of course, so I let it stay silent. Being more and more starved for any time to spend with my friend all the while. Those rare few hours for DND were starting to be affected as well. Not only were there distractions but she also wanted me to not be there which on one hand I do understand but on the other I really didn't have a choice. Neither of my parents have ever had Internet either due to lack of wanting it or being unable to and since I was hunting for a job, I did not have the means to do that myself. Every time I had been there for the past 5 years for DND, I usually just stayed the night since we would often go very late. That was the norm and the request to no longer do that was a very undesired outcome for me. While I often do stay up late, that is not always the case. Many times after DND I have immediately gone to sleep or very shortly after. So having to drive back even a short distance is kinda stressful not to mention the fact that my State has unpredictable weather. I know it is extremely likely that thunderstorms or snowstorms are a high chance of occurrence and I do not wish to have to drive through that simply because my friend's GF wants every other person my friend knows to have as little time as possible with him. I understand the desire for privacy but due to these reasons I had a small disagreement with him where I tried to argue my points.
At one point I was there for longer than I normally would but it was only because I was in extreme back pain and just needed to lie down. Another potential outcome that I would wish to plan for when it comes to this whole thing. During this disagreement at one point the GF would get his phone and comment about this extra day I stayed which was a bit off topic and had nothing to do with what I was actually talking about in that moment with him. But it did showcase that she did not value privacy with a friend and had to interject on that too despite wanting that when it came to their privacy. So that was a bit of a breach of trust. During this disagreement, my friend would comment I was focusing too much on my own problems and not valuing his, which caught me off guard cuz while I have done some things for myself that I regret, I genuinely care and I have shown through actions that I do value his struggles. I try to be as helpful as possible despite some selfish choices that I imposed on him that I regret on top of all the times I heard his problems and tried to just be there for him, so to be so accused like that hurt a fair bit. I can handle being accused as flawed and maybe even needing to be an even better friend, but to be accused as not caring about his problems was absurd and hurtful. Not only for showing through actions that I do care, but also for the gravity of his problems next to mine. Not to sound arrogant but it is literally a mountain next to a slight hill. He has a good job, nice house and lives a comfortable life and is having a disagreement with a GF which will happen in any relationship. This is important to focus on but next to someone who's life is literally breaking and has many more problems, most of which cannot be overcome or will take a lot of effort to, is a bit ridiculous in context. It's literally someone floating in a boat with a hole in it as they hold the means to plug it and continue vs someone literally desperately holding a raft together as it falls apart and the other person telling them they don't worry about the hole in their boat enough as they hold the means to fix it. Valid concerns to worry about for sure but pretty easily fixed compared to the other person's problems. And I know it is ultimately on the individual to solve their own problems but still to be accused of that hurt while I struggle with my own problems alone. With this conversation and the GF having eavesdropped on it from his phone, my friend would tell me that apparently she asked him to straight up block me too after this. Not "hey you should talk to him and stuff" but "hey you should block him." Now, she was likely drunk and high at the time so I understand that it wasn't entirely the truth but it is still a bit concerning nonetheless that she as a GF of only around 2 months asked her BF to outright block a longtime friend over a disagreement. Drunk and high or not.
After several days of thinking and overthinking about this, I decided to try to patch things with my friend due to the logical reasoning with her actions I mentioned above, not to mention knowing it was partly the honeymoon phase and it's emotional influence at work. So, told him I valued his friendship apologized for making him believe I didn't care about his problems . . . somehow, reaffirmed that I also had issues I struggled with and needed to be able to have the means to put them out of mind and have a break from them. So I asked for some arrangement for DND again. He commented whether I knew that we were still friends and we will still talk, despite having none since and then commented on my faults regarding this. I still do not know if I am even welcome for DND since he never clearly stated it. And despite him saying his GF thinks I am nice and doesn't mind me, actions would seem to reflect she may not actually. At several times in the previous disagreement as well as in this message, he commented both on how I shouldn't come over for DND anymore because of her one minute but then how we could talk about it later the next, so I never got a clear answer and am still left confused as to where exactly we stand which is a form of stress of its own. Now a month later with no contact from him at all, a further stressful thing occurred this last weekend that spurred me into wanting to post this here after thinking about it for so long.
I haven't talked to him in about a month. Despite him saying we'll still talk and are still friends and despite him having an idea how much stress I face, though admittedly he would not know how much that weighs on me. I know the Honeymoon phase is partly to blame but still, it is a bit painful to realize he is so focused on making his GF happy that he cares little to know how I am doing. And due to the DND thing I haven't been able to play at all in this time. I missed one cuz I did not know how we stood and he was going to be gone. Again. (It's awfully rude to not hang out with friends in a co-op game cuz you want to hang out with a GF you already spend damn near every waking minute with anyways.) So not knowing what gone meant, whether that was out at bars or at the house, I did not want to be a bother so I missed that session. In between the next session ended up being video games rather than DND since the DM still needed to work on some things. The following weekend, which was about 2 weekends ago, he was gone again tho I believe it was for a different reason at least. He goes to a family lodge in Wisconsin every year with his fam and I believe that's why he was gone that weekend due to traveling to his parents home 3 hrs away for this annual trip. I did not know this so when I asked this previous weekend if it was cool to come over to play I was, suffice it to say, a bit surprised to hear he was in Wisconsin. Especially considering I'm usually his dog sitter for his pup. When I asked if the GF was watching her all he said was it's handled. Didn't really understand the anonymity on that one at all and I'm not sure which option is worse. That she is watching her and he felt the need to provide a more lengthy sentence rather than a simple yes to keep it vague for some odd reason, or if they both went and the pup was boarded or another friend fed and filled her water bowl. I don't know but whatever the reason is, it was a bit of a shock to not be asked to watch the pup that I adore that I usually watch for him. In this conversation I asked when he's back and he answered but still did not provide any confirmation as to whether I could actually join for DND again. So that was a bit hurtful.
I ended up joining on Discord in the voice chat only which was stressful since I was not controlling my character, someone else was and I could not even see my character sheet to look up abilities and stuff which sucks cuz I like to plan things out. Tho admittedly I didn't need to. The battles they fought controlling my character in my absence which unfortunately was a really key story battle, drained most of my resources. Not being able to control my character I spent a lot of thought and time on and missing these battles is a bit painful on its own as well. If all that wasn't enough I sent a pic in the chat for a humorous reference afterwards saying I couldn't find a GIF of what I wanted so here's a pic instead. And my friend sent a GIF, one I saw as well and wasn't close enough to what I wanted so I didn't use and I know why he chose that one specifically. While technically on topic, it was meant to reference a joke at my characters expense that I made clear to him I did not find funny and asked him to stop. Enough times that he nearly got the boot from the DM for that session. I am very patient with jokes and enjoy a good jab at times even but I made it very clear I didn't find this one funny and did not want him to keep doing it. The fact that the matter was (I thought) settled upon threat from the DM, and yet he still put that in as a jab, especially after all that's happened between us is truly enraging. And that's where things are currently left off.
As for my assessment of some of this. My friend gives his all into relationships so I know when it comes to the GF he is truly putting love into the mix. But her? I do not believe love drives her. Considering how fast they are moving which I know is something that she dictated, as well as isolating my friend to herself to go as far as wishing someone be completely blocked from his life, I believe I know what actually drives her half of the relationship. Fear. She is afraid of going home which is valid, I would be too. She may not even truly realize it too possibly. She is trying to do all she can to cement herself in his life to ensure she can receive safety from having to go back home. Being with him every waking minute besides strictly necessary and desiring potential threats to that to be completely removed and out of the way. And in the process, foolishly failing to realize that by not coming into this with genuine love and truly wanting to value his feelings and sovereignty, she may cause the relationships likely inevitable doom. For in order to have a healthy and long standing relationship it must be from a place of genuine love on both sides. If fear controls her actions it will make it impossible to reach that necessity.
As for my friend, I am truly hurt by his actions and seemingly lack of caring despite verbally saying he does. It makes me upset to be so easily shoved aside, especially considering what I have discussed in the past with him. I could tell that in the past other friends that pursued relationships and don't talk to him as often anymore weigh on him heavily. I could hear in his voice and see in his eyes as he simply commented how he doesn't do things with them anymore, 2 things. Understanding and sadness. Understanding that he knew he could not change this situation at all and sadness because he wished that he could change it. And so I tried to be there for him. So he had a friend to talk to. And I resolved to never abandon him should I ever find a relationship. To never put him through that and in doing so, failed to realize that I was far more at risk of that happening, ironically. And I know that a lot of this may not be truly how he feels and he likely does not realize how it has affected me. Which is made worse since I know he knows that being abandoned by a friend to pursue a romance is not a very good feeling at all. I guess I foolishly thought if anyone would also remember that and try to keep that in mind, despite emotions clouding their judgement it would also be him. But I guess I thought too highly of him. And to be fair, he is human after all and likely under sway of the honeymoon phase emotions. He also may just think it normal with all the people who have done it to him in the past, I don't know, but he still knows how that feels. To willingly put someone else through that despite having been through it yourself is something I expected better from him TBH. But I suppose I shouldn't have. With being on the receiving end from multiple friends himself, as well as how I know he can easily be controlled by emotions and overriding his usual logic if he likes a person enough, regardless of whether they truly feel the same or not.
And so I am left both wondering how and why this went so wrong, and knowing those answers at the same time. The other friends in this DND group have done nothing to provoke me and have been nothing but nice though I am not as close to them as I was with my friend. So, as much as a part of me would love to remove this person from my life, I cannot abandon them because my friend has upset me a great deal. There is also a part of me that still cares about him and does worry about him since I have my doubts about the GF. I also have a lot of curiosity to see if I was indeed right on my assessment of her. Which all leaves me needing to still see him around which is something I have mixed feelings on. On one hand I can rationalize that some of this is not truly his fault and baseline emotions and personal experience that are overriding his usually sensible mind, are a factor at play. But on the other, to be so pushed aside like this is rather painful which is ironic since I've largely done things alone my whole life. I don't get this close to people usually.
So I am here bearing far more about myself than I'd normally be comfortable with sharing out of necessity of it eating at my soul too much, and no one there to help. I hate to make such a wordy post to you all and as an intro no less but when faced with calamity, sometimes you have to take steps you don't want to if it means the potential for aid or to air your feelings. But you have heard enough of my fears and confessions. All that is left to ask for those that did read this all is what are your thoughts? What would you do inu shoes? Am I overthinking things? Probably. But do you think I am wrong in my assessment or being too harsh? Truthfully if no one does read this, it would not matter. To simply get all this off my chest, may be enough. To put this into words, may be enough. And for any advice on this, that is a bonus and one I would be very thankful for. And that too, may be enough.
Thank you for reading to those that did.
I only recently looked into psychology as a result of all of this mess by happenstance. I don't know why I never have before tbh but suffice it to say I find it very fascinating. I stumbled upon this when I was researching certain behaviors to possibly explain the why and how this situation happened when it comes to relationship norms and behaviors. And then a video popped up, either an INFJ directly or one on Hypersensitivity and needless to say it would start a rabbit hole of a deep dive into the subject. Throughout this research I have come to the conclusion that there is a high chance I am most likely an INFJ. Which I have mixed feelings on. On one hand to finally have answers why I have always felt so out of place is a breath of fresh air. To know that all of the odd things I do, how I have always felt like a contradiction and changing so much to those around me is a relief to know it is actually not abnormal, just uncommon. On the other hand, it is depressing to know as well. This world is hard on all types by default but it is often harder for those that are built different from the way most people think. Some part of me wishes I were some other type if I'm honest. But even so, I am grateful for who I am at the same time. My capacity for compassion and empathy and seeing the worth and wonder in the world is something I am so grateful for. Especially with how messed up the world can be. To be visually artistic and seeing the beauty so many miss, for enjoying the small things, I am blessed for. But so many of these same gifts can easily be the greatest weapons against me and that is a terrible burden all at the same time. And recently something happened that I cannot overcome alone but am forced to face alone anyways. And I do not know what to do. To quote a favorite fictional character, "I do not want this present and I want the future that follows, even less."
As you might have guessed, I do not have many friends. Currently only a DND group and of them only one truly close friend. Reflecting on it I think only 1 other (maybe 2) friends I was ever more close than an average acquaintance level friend. One of those was how I met this friend. For the last 5 or 6 years (maybe more, I kinda lost track TBH) since, it has been pretty good for the most part. I met this friend through a friendsgiving or huggies and chuggies party the other friend had invited me to. (On a side note, now knowing why I was always so tired at these events and later happy hours and stuff makes so much sense in retrospect.) My friend and I would pretty quickly hit it off and become friends and I found out about him and some friends wanting to play a DND campaign which is something I always wanted to do but had no one to do it with. We started DND in person with 4 but at some point, one of them had to travel so we had to go online to continue. I did not have the means to do this at the time so it was eventually decided I would just play at my friend's house still with an extra laptop. And this would be how I grew so close to my friend. After DND, becoming an environment for the kind of conversations that are so desired by an INFJ type and it is so strange to me that even then I knew that before even hearing a word about any of the MBTI types at all. All the Friday or Saturday nights we spent often talking through the night and sometimes till morning were such a breath of fresh air that I never actually realized I needed. While I loved DND of course, deep down, I often looked forward to these moments even more. Rather than being excited for DND itself, I was excited to talk to my friend and until now, I never knew why. I just assumed it was just having a best friend and not having very many of those in my life. And I suppose in a way that is part of it. It is to my regret that I never told my friend this, despite thinking I should a couple of times and now wondering if maybe it would have changed things but deep down I know that it would not have changed anything. Regardless, I learned many things about my friend as you may be able to guess during these talks and have helped him plenty of times too as he's helped me out a few times. And so it makes what eventually happened hurt more and be even more of a blindside I naively believed wouldn't happen.
I have not been perfect in all of this to my regret and my mistakes are part of what haunts me so much and wishing I could change that has been on my mind a lot. I do wonder if this might have influenced what happened in some way but how my friend acted before this would tell me otherwise even if what happened afterwards is further confusing. I would end up spending a good 6 months at my friend's house which I regret a lot. Despite him saying he loved having me over (and in some ways he did mean it) I could tell he wasn't entirely happy with that outcome though he never actually told me that. You might wonder then how someone believing themselves to be an INFJ was even capable of that considering our generally harmonious and people pleasing nature and it is a bit complicated honestly.
For the last 10+ years I have been through constant mental and physical pain and I have endured it all. When I had to leave the Military, far earlier than I'd like due to a bad back and after having put so much hard work into reaching that goal, I was devastated and that pain still plagues me and probably always will despite chiropractic help. Thankfully that service has provided some things available that might help that I am working on achieving so there is some good from it at least. Still, losing that job that I liked and to something out of my control, was hard. Learning how to be a functioning person in a completely different environment outside the Military is another hard mountain to overcome (still an ongoing process.) From then I would face a lot. I've seen dear loved ones pass, lost jobs (still trying to find one after the last) and all manner of pain and medical hardships all within 10 years. From the back pain to the far worse pain from a gallbladder removal which at the very least isn't chronic but was one of the worst pain I have ever been through and even down to a throat issue that left it harder to eat even for an annoyingly long amount of time. It was always something. Picked myself up from one thing only to be hit by a hammer from another problem. Knocking me to the ground but my armor and shield still holding strong. Battered and bruised but not truly broken. I can still acknowledge that it could be far worse of course and many out there would probably consider what I have been through and the help I have had throughout as being more blessed than their situation and that is fair. But still, it is a lot for one person to bear. I would take to loving photography, which would help provide a respite and enough of a recharge to keep walking. One painful step after the next.
Throughout all of this one way or another I had to stay with a parent out of necessity which is another form of stress that I never actually realized was one until now. I love my parents dearly but they can be very stifling at times. There is little semblance of a safe space to be truly isolated and alone and the best I can do is to shut it out with music or photography, or something as best as I can, which often is irrelevant, since they still bug me anyways. (Mini off topic/ kinda on topic rant but seriously, who sees someone wearing headphones and just starts talking? Leave me alone or at least get my attention first, I literally can't hear you. Both do this, it's so irritating!) Despite not having a safe space and never realizing I was so stressed partly because of that, I have nonetheless endured that all this time. (still do till I achieve my current most prominent goal of finding a job to at least get this life back on track a little.) I have endured the strain I knew and this unregistered strain for almost 10 years being wrecked all the while and never knowing why, all the way up until a beloved cat died and brought about a new hell, I never even anticipated. Fleas.
My parents house which despite it's flaws, was at least a home to provide some things like a roof over my head and some level of safety until I could actually muster my strength again and truly get back on my feet and many of my past experiences helped to keep me a little more frozen in place than I would like. To be assaulted mentally for years, never fully knowing why or how to help and then physically by tiny little buggers was truly the straw that broke the camels back. I would go to exhausting lengths to not only ensure they did not get on me there for my own comfort, but also that they did not leave with me for I did not want to bring them to my friend's home for DND on the weekends. Not only for his safety but his pup that I adored and often puppysit, which would have been more susceptible to the plague. Having to suffer the other surviving cat's discomfort was painful enough. I did not want the pup to go through that either. And so facing this further level of strain after already facing too much, I would eventually end up staying at my friend's longer than I intended and that is something I still feel guilty about. But the plague of fleas wasn't the only reason I stayed longer than I should have. My friend whether he realized it/subconsciously realized it or flat out didn't and just didn't care, provided something I needed but did not have with my parent. Something I have only ever had once otherwise when it comes to a living situation and did not realize till recently it was a need for me. Peace and quiet. We would still spend hours sometimes talking but when I needed to be alone it was granted. Whether that was intended or just lack of realizing and caring, it was granted all the same. He would rarely bug me if I needed time alone. And so, despite knowing that my friends statement of being glad to have me there was both true but also a lie and that he wasn't entirely comfortable with it, I stayed all the same. For the alternative was an environment that had truly grown too hard to be able to bear. I still feel guilty about this decision but in that moment I truly did not know what to do. I tried my best to job search but also let the burden of the situation affect me at the same time more than I should have. Ultimately this market is hard enough right now and I did not find a job in time. But it was helping. Slowly but surely, I was starting to rise again. I mustered my strength and I braced myself for that inevitable hammer. But what I found instead was a gunshot to the heart rather than the hammer I was expecting. Bypassing my armor and shield entirely.
Dating these days is very difficult for everyone. My friend included. I knew from all the long talks he was lonely in that way as so many are. I tried to be the friend to help as best as I could and at least provide a friend to talk to for that type of companionship but I knew he also very much wanted to find a partner. Dating sites never worked for me and they never worked for him much either and I could see the toll it was taking. I watch a bunch of stuff including some stuff about that topic of dating and the negatives and positives and so I suggested to my friend because of some of those that we should try speed dating. We are both arguably best in person. He wanted to but we never ended up doing it. And then he would actually have some luck on one of those sites. I was happy for him of course cuz I could tell how he felt but there were some red flags off the bat. Even he was a tad worried to meet her since it was pretty immediate after he started talking to her which I thought was odd. And then pretty soon, he'd bring her back to his place and I would meet her too. Which is another major red flag I had with all of this that I noticed. It was moving far too fast. This meeting i don't recall exactly, but it was either the weekend he first met her or about a week after, I'm not sure. But still very fast considering what would happen at this initial meeting. And he met her initially the day he started talking to her if I recall. Which was what was so odd about that.
After learning about this INFJ thing, I can recall a few times where I might have used intuition and didn't realize it but for most of my life if I did, I think I don't really remember it or put it out of mind. Or I got lucky. My home State is known for having good people usually after all. I can recall a moment at the first job I had after the Military with a usually friendly manager that may have been an alarm bell going off that they weren't as nice as they pretended to be and possibly another job later where a couple people I always felt weird around but not sure. And then 2 times after being in this better environment at my friend's house and starting to actually heal, where alarm bells were going off about someone. One was a random we met at a bar and I don't know how she actually ended up at my friend's place TBH. And the other was his current GF. And that was arguably the strongest feeling I had of all. Upon meeting her, she just felt . . . off. I've never felt that strong a feeling before. I was watching something before he came back and getting really close to dozing off so I was about to head to bed until they arrived. I only briefly actually talked to her, the rest was her talking to my friend that I could hear and something about her woke me up completely and I actually had little desire and even had trouble later going to sleep. I went from nearly falling asleep watching something to having trouble in the span of a few minutes. And it wasn't due to just meeting her or anything. I have been to several friends get togethers and there have been unmet friends or even randoms over and I have never felt like this before with any of them. This was something different. I told him she felt off and he chalked it up to just meeting her and that was a valid assumption. I didn't even know why I felt this way myself. Afterwards, I would eventually figure out why she felt off and what her true motive likely is. But by the time I did, one other change would happen that would leave me unable to relay my fears and concerns to my friend.
So, this woman is Iranian/Persian and in the US for schooling in a similar tech field as my friend. Once that schooling is over in about 3 years, she will have to go back with no option to renew. I can feel for her not wanting this outcome because from what she has said, it sounds like a pretty terrible place and despite my SUS perception about her, I wouldn't want her to go back there either. She is constantly worried for her parents that still live there and in her shoes i'd be scared too. But still there are many red flags about her that has me questioning her motives and I believe I know what it is. The relationship is moving at light speed. Far, far too fast. When I initially met her, which again was at most a week after they met but I think it might have been the weekend of tbh, she was already asking for exclusivity. And at about a month and a half they started living together. So they went from intro, immediately into exclusively dating within that first weekend/week, to living together in a little over a month. My friend had a friends with benefits that he hadn't done anything with in a very long time. He was mostly just being a good friend to her due to her past. The poor girl has faced terrible abuse from past relationships and had some severe bodily harm that really affected her life as a result of it. She was energetic, eccentric and a little selfish but the times I met her, she also seemed sweet. One night, around that exclusivity stage for my friend and his GF (which again was pretty much immediately) the friends with benefits apparently had a mental breakdown since a recent BF who had also abused her apparently got released and was threatening her (seriously, poor thing cannot catch a break and it breaks my heart) and he needed to go see her to help. Since my friend had drunk a bunch, I drove him out there. I'm grateful we could be there for her but it sucked hard too. It was literally the entire night and morning and I had a chiropractor appointment the next day around midday and we left halfway through morning so I had to go the whole night with no sleep which sucked hard. But still glad we could help at least and exhaustion is a small price to pay to ensure her personal safety. But then the GF found out about that and it was probably about a day or so after they went exclusive, so it was very new and my friend made it abundantly clear to the friend he helped and the GF it was solely to help her only and he even had me as a witness to prove it. But the GF still asked that he block her. He wouldn't and only removed her on Snapchat and unfortunately the friend he helped snapped and sent a verbal tirade which the GF heard and kinda forced his hand on the matter. And I understand all of that. She went too far and I could understand a GF not wanting to have any potential distractions with a formerly intimate person. But usually you just ask they don't see the person. To have requested in the first place a permanent block upon knowing of her existence even, seems awfully harsh to me. And that was requested before her tirade so in her eyes she was just someone he knew. After the tirade it's more understandable. But before is a bit harsh.
From there, there would be more red flags. While I understand needing me to move out again, (wish I had recharged more of my energy before that but is what it is) it was of course rough to go into an environment that would stress me out again. I was stressed at my friend's too of course for being there but less so than otherwise but it was getting worse around the GF too though. But in my time there observing and when I would stop by for DND, there was something I noticed. He did the giving and she did the taking. Exclusively. I understand a guy will give more in the relationship since that is so often the standard in the world but it is more. Not all. There is always sacrifices on both sides you do because you love the other person. At least in a healthy relationship there is. I could understand no monetary sacrifice for her due to student loans but the level my friend has given even for that is a bit ridiculous. My friend is not rich but he is well off to live a comfortable life. They go out drinking often and probably more so now and my friend always pays for them both. She is often drunk or high, another thing he often pays for. There are 2 things I don't think he would have bought or at least would have waited a while before doing it if she hadn't been with him. He got a brand new couch, which TBF was something he always wanted to do but didn't want his pup to chew a new one too and he never really uses it anyways since he doesn't have company over often but that one was a bit more understandable and probably needed much less convincing. The thing that was out of left field was a pool. I know that was entirely her cuz she likes to swim and he's never mentioned any desire to get one, so he wouldn't have got one if she hadn't been around. So he got 2 expensive items ultimately at her request on top of drink and drugs. The latter having traveled a couple hours away to get a few times. Plus other things as well.
So, while I would expect her to give something not of the monetary means, I would expect time in her case due to student costs and stuff but even that is not sacrificed. My friend has been absent several sessions. shortly after them meeting we had to wait on him for an hour cuz he was in the other room being intimate with her. This was both kinda hilarious and disrespectful to everyone there to make everyone wait because of a reason like that. But new relationship, you want to spend time together and she wasn't gonna stay the weekend, so I get it. Once more before she left, I understand the desire to do that. But it still doesn't make it any less disrespectful to the group. At the time, the server we played on was very prone to crashing and that was one of the reasons we were waiting on him. Thankfully that is fixed now. The weekend or 2 after this, they would go out to swim and he didn't make it back and of course the server crashed. So rather than the 4 hours of gameplay we only played 2. He told me later they easily could have made it back but she didn't want to and wanted to spend more time together. Still early in the relationship when the desire to spend time together is strongest. But qside from those 4 hours and the couple of days my friend goes into the office on his hybrid schedule he works which still isn't concrete, they pretty much spend ALL of their time together. So they are not starved for time at all. But even that is not enough cuz those 4 hours with the guys are often interrupted or interjected on by the GF on top of the absences. On one hand I do understand the honeymoon phase affecting this so I do understand how this is happening but still, the level of constant contact, despite that strong pull, is quite frankly too much time. A healthy relationship needs time to breathe. Which is why most spend weeks before committing, months before living together, and a healthy balance from time together/intimacy and being apart and spending time with friends and doing personal hobbies and interests. You are 2 individual people coming together as a whole. But still, 2 individuals that need to have their own autonomy. To be joined at the hip so constantly is so often a recipe for disaster. And I know full well if that hits it will devastate my friend. And this all has not been ideal for me either because the times I would talk to him after DND were now completely absent. I kinda felt replaced tbh. Which hurts after all the times I was there for him. Around this time I would ask friends in this circle and a few online what they thought about this situation to confirm my suspicions. And I had many that agreed.
It was around this period of constant time together with no time apart, that my assessment would finish and I would realize what is going on but by then, he was never alone anymore so I could not relay my fears to him regarding her. I did not want to blatantly upset her despite my perceptions and distrust of her, of course, so I let it stay silent. Being more and more starved for any time to spend with my friend all the while. Those rare few hours for DND were starting to be affected as well. Not only were there distractions but she also wanted me to not be there which on one hand I do understand but on the other I really didn't have a choice. Neither of my parents have ever had Internet either due to lack of wanting it or being unable to and since I was hunting for a job, I did not have the means to do that myself. Every time I had been there for the past 5 years for DND, I usually just stayed the night since we would often go very late. That was the norm and the request to no longer do that was a very undesired outcome for me. While I often do stay up late, that is not always the case. Many times after DND I have immediately gone to sleep or very shortly after. So having to drive back even a short distance is kinda stressful not to mention the fact that my State has unpredictable weather. I know it is extremely likely that thunderstorms or snowstorms are a high chance of occurrence and I do not wish to have to drive through that simply because my friend's GF wants every other person my friend knows to have as little time as possible with him. I understand the desire for privacy but due to these reasons I had a small disagreement with him where I tried to argue my points.
At one point I was there for longer than I normally would but it was only because I was in extreme back pain and just needed to lie down. Another potential outcome that I would wish to plan for when it comes to this whole thing. During this disagreement at one point the GF would get his phone and comment about this extra day I stayed which was a bit off topic and had nothing to do with what I was actually talking about in that moment with him. But it did showcase that she did not value privacy with a friend and had to interject on that too despite wanting that when it came to their privacy. So that was a bit of a breach of trust. During this disagreement, my friend would comment I was focusing too much on my own problems and not valuing his, which caught me off guard cuz while I have done some things for myself that I regret, I genuinely care and I have shown through actions that I do value his struggles. I try to be as helpful as possible despite some selfish choices that I imposed on him that I regret on top of all the times I heard his problems and tried to just be there for him, so to be so accused like that hurt a fair bit. I can handle being accused as flawed and maybe even needing to be an even better friend, but to be accused as not caring about his problems was absurd and hurtful. Not only for showing through actions that I do care, but also for the gravity of his problems next to mine. Not to sound arrogant but it is literally a mountain next to a slight hill. He has a good job, nice house and lives a comfortable life and is having a disagreement with a GF which will happen in any relationship. This is important to focus on but next to someone who's life is literally breaking and has many more problems, most of which cannot be overcome or will take a lot of effort to, is a bit ridiculous in context. It's literally someone floating in a boat with a hole in it as they hold the means to plug it and continue vs someone literally desperately holding a raft together as it falls apart and the other person telling them they don't worry about the hole in their boat enough as they hold the means to fix it. Valid concerns to worry about for sure but pretty easily fixed compared to the other person's problems. And I know it is ultimately on the individual to solve their own problems but still to be accused of that hurt while I struggle with my own problems alone. With this conversation and the GF having eavesdropped on it from his phone, my friend would tell me that apparently she asked him to straight up block me too after this. Not "hey you should talk to him and stuff" but "hey you should block him." Now, she was likely drunk and high at the time so I understand that it wasn't entirely the truth but it is still a bit concerning nonetheless that she as a GF of only around 2 months asked her BF to outright block a longtime friend over a disagreement. Drunk and high or not.
After several days of thinking and overthinking about this, I decided to try to patch things with my friend due to the logical reasoning with her actions I mentioned above, not to mention knowing it was partly the honeymoon phase and it's emotional influence at work. So, told him I valued his friendship apologized for making him believe I didn't care about his problems . . . somehow, reaffirmed that I also had issues I struggled with and needed to be able to have the means to put them out of mind and have a break from them. So I asked for some arrangement for DND again. He commented whether I knew that we were still friends and we will still talk, despite having none since and then commented on my faults regarding this. I still do not know if I am even welcome for DND since he never clearly stated it. And despite him saying his GF thinks I am nice and doesn't mind me, actions would seem to reflect she may not actually. At several times in the previous disagreement as well as in this message, he commented both on how I shouldn't come over for DND anymore because of her one minute but then how we could talk about it later the next, so I never got a clear answer and am still left confused as to where exactly we stand which is a form of stress of its own. Now a month later with no contact from him at all, a further stressful thing occurred this last weekend that spurred me into wanting to post this here after thinking about it for so long.
I haven't talked to him in about a month. Despite him saying we'll still talk and are still friends and despite him having an idea how much stress I face, though admittedly he would not know how much that weighs on me. I know the Honeymoon phase is partly to blame but still, it is a bit painful to realize he is so focused on making his GF happy that he cares little to know how I am doing. And due to the DND thing I haven't been able to play at all in this time. I missed one cuz I did not know how we stood and he was going to be gone. Again. (It's awfully rude to not hang out with friends in a co-op game cuz you want to hang out with a GF you already spend damn near every waking minute with anyways.) So not knowing what gone meant, whether that was out at bars or at the house, I did not want to be a bother so I missed that session. In between the next session ended up being video games rather than DND since the DM still needed to work on some things. The following weekend, which was about 2 weekends ago, he was gone again tho I believe it was for a different reason at least. He goes to a family lodge in Wisconsin every year with his fam and I believe that's why he was gone that weekend due to traveling to his parents home 3 hrs away for this annual trip. I did not know this so when I asked this previous weekend if it was cool to come over to play I was, suffice it to say, a bit surprised to hear he was in Wisconsin. Especially considering I'm usually his dog sitter for his pup. When I asked if the GF was watching her all he said was it's handled. Didn't really understand the anonymity on that one at all and I'm not sure which option is worse. That she is watching her and he felt the need to provide a more lengthy sentence rather than a simple yes to keep it vague for some odd reason, or if they both went and the pup was boarded or another friend fed and filled her water bowl. I don't know but whatever the reason is, it was a bit of a shock to not be asked to watch the pup that I adore that I usually watch for him. In this conversation I asked when he's back and he answered but still did not provide any confirmation as to whether I could actually join for DND again. So that was a bit hurtful.
I ended up joining on Discord in the voice chat only which was stressful since I was not controlling my character, someone else was and I could not even see my character sheet to look up abilities and stuff which sucks cuz I like to plan things out. Tho admittedly I didn't need to. The battles they fought controlling my character in my absence which unfortunately was a really key story battle, drained most of my resources. Not being able to control my character I spent a lot of thought and time on and missing these battles is a bit painful on its own as well. If all that wasn't enough I sent a pic in the chat for a humorous reference afterwards saying I couldn't find a GIF of what I wanted so here's a pic instead. And my friend sent a GIF, one I saw as well and wasn't close enough to what I wanted so I didn't use and I know why he chose that one specifically. While technically on topic, it was meant to reference a joke at my characters expense that I made clear to him I did not find funny and asked him to stop. Enough times that he nearly got the boot from the DM for that session. I am very patient with jokes and enjoy a good jab at times even but I made it very clear I didn't find this one funny and did not want him to keep doing it. The fact that the matter was (I thought) settled upon threat from the DM, and yet he still put that in as a jab, especially after all that's happened between us is truly enraging. And that's where things are currently left off.
As for my assessment of some of this. My friend gives his all into relationships so I know when it comes to the GF he is truly putting love into the mix. But her? I do not believe love drives her. Considering how fast they are moving which I know is something that she dictated, as well as isolating my friend to herself to go as far as wishing someone be completely blocked from his life, I believe I know what actually drives her half of the relationship. Fear. She is afraid of going home which is valid, I would be too. She may not even truly realize it too possibly. She is trying to do all she can to cement herself in his life to ensure she can receive safety from having to go back home. Being with him every waking minute besides strictly necessary and desiring potential threats to that to be completely removed and out of the way. And in the process, foolishly failing to realize that by not coming into this with genuine love and truly wanting to value his feelings and sovereignty, she may cause the relationships likely inevitable doom. For in order to have a healthy and long standing relationship it must be from a place of genuine love on both sides. If fear controls her actions it will make it impossible to reach that necessity.
As for my friend, I am truly hurt by his actions and seemingly lack of caring despite verbally saying he does. It makes me upset to be so easily shoved aside, especially considering what I have discussed in the past with him. I could tell that in the past other friends that pursued relationships and don't talk to him as often anymore weigh on him heavily. I could hear in his voice and see in his eyes as he simply commented how he doesn't do things with them anymore, 2 things. Understanding and sadness. Understanding that he knew he could not change this situation at all and sadness because he wished that he could change it. And so I tried to be there for him. So he had a friend to talk to. And I resolved to never abandon him should I ever find a relationship. To never put him through that and in doing so, failed to realize that I was far more at risk of that happening, ironically. And I know that a lot of this may not be truly how he feels and he likely does not realize how it has affected me. Which is made worse since I know he knows that being abandoned by a friend to pursue a romance is not a very good feeling at all. I guess I foolishly thought if anyone would also remember that and try to keep that in mind, despite emotions clouding their judgement it would also be him. But I guess I thought too highly of him. And to be fair, he is human after all and likely under sway of the honeymoon phase emotions. He also may just think it normal with all the people who have done it to him in the past, I don't know, but he still knows how that feels. To willingly put someone else through that despite having been through it yourself is something I expected better from him TBH. But I suppose I shouldn't have. With being on the receiving end from multiple friends himself, as well as how I know he can easily be controlled by emotions and overriding his usual logic if he likes a person enough, regardless of whether they truly feel the same or not.
And so I am left both wondering how and why this went so wrong, and knowing those answers at the same time. The other friends in this DND group have done nothing to provoke me and have been nothing but nice though I am not as close to them as I was with my friend. So, as much as a part of me would love to remove this person from my life, I cannot abandon them because my friend has upset me a great deal. There is also a part of me that still cares about him and does worry about him since I have my doubts about the GF. I also have a lot of curiosity to see if I was indeed right on my assessment of her. Which all leaves me needing to still see him around which is something I have mixed feelings on. On one hand I can rationalize that some of this is not truly his fault and baseline emotions and personal experience that are overriding his usually sensible mind, are a factor at play. But on the other, to be so pushed aside like this is rather painful which is ironic since I've largely done things alone my whole life. I don't get this close to people usually.
So I am here bearing far more about myself than I'd normally be comfortable with sharing out of necessity of it eating at my soul too much, and no one there to help. I hate to make such a wordy post to you all and as an intro no less but when faced with calamity, sometimes you have to take steps you don't want to if it means the potential for aid or to air your feelings. But you have heard enough of my fears and confessions. All that is left to ask for those that did read this all is what are your thoughts? What would you do inu shoes? Am I overthinking things? Probably. But do you think I am wrong in my assessment or being too harsh? Truthfully if no one does read this, it would not matter. To simply get all this off my chest, may be enough. To put this into words, may be enough. And for any advice on this, that is a bonus and one I would be very thankful for. And that too, may be enough.
Thank you for reading to those that did.
