Understanding the INFJ Doorslam

[Wyote]

Now you’re equating my disagreement as revenge. And you’re saying if I don’t shutup and play by your code, I’m looking to get even

What is your deal

You're extremely manipulative and toxic. That's my deal. You're here because you want to exploit the doorslam somehow.
You sit here and twist my words to egg me on to continue this conversation. Basically everyone here looking at this conversation will see this.
I actually feel sorry for you in all honesty. But you want to assert yourself and paint me in a bad light desperately because you know deep down you are wrong about a lot of things.

 

[Asa]

INFJs aren't necessarily "sensitive". You don't need to worry about hurting our feelings or catering to our feelings. We take things seriously, though. If you act like a harmful person we're going to take that seriously.

Healthy INFJs don't door slam as a common habit. It's a self-defense mechanism attached to a history of behaviors (or one obviously terrible behavior) that the other person is usually aware of. It also isn't typically emotional. By the time we door slam we do not care about that person.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Disagreeing is not manipulative or toxic if it’s part of the discussion, and it’s truly how you feel

You said I have a vengeful mindset. No twisting, buddy. Maybe think before you type and hit reply

I did just laugh at I’m trying to exploit the doorslam. No shit, and you’re defending it. So what? It’s avoidant behavior. Hard looking at it objectively from someone else’s perspective?

I know it’s a coping and protection thing, it could be done healthier is all

I don’t think I’m wrong about that at all

 

[Wyote]

We take things seriously, though. If you act like a harmful person we're going to take that seriously.

word

 

[Wyote]

I know it’s a coping and protection thing, it could be done healthier is all

I don’t think I’m wrong about that at all

So if somebody is an absolute shit for an entire decade and you put up with it and they refuse to change in any way, and it's getting in the way of your personal development, what do you do?

 

[ClevelandINTP]

You don’t let it get to a decade, and you don’t put up with it. And you do it in a way that’s transparent and direct

I’m not saying to stay in unhealthy situations. I’m saying how it gets there and how you exit it might be better with other methods

 

[JennyDaniella]

It’s avoidant behavior? No no no no no. Idk how many times we need to explain it here. We don’t suddenly withdraw in a whim. Its after multiple acts that we finally put a line on it.

Why the hell do we need to always confront or tell a person up front that they hurt us or did something straight up shitty after an extended amount of chances we give to them? Or perhaps after many times in some cases we tell them or show them that we aren’t interested.

We avoid confronting the person not because it’s avoidant, immature or funny—but because it’s a clear way of showing the other person through a mature and less messy way that we are done with the person. We show it through our actions. It’s more than clear enough to let a person know that we are done and we want nothing to do with them when we disappear and say nothing. Like I said, actions speak clearer than words.

 

[Wyote]

You don’t let it get to a decade, and you don’t put up it. And you do it in a way that’s transparent and direct

I’m not saying to stay in unhealthy situations. I’m saying how it gets there and how you exit it might be better with other methods

Yea ok so somebody is complete shit for a year or less or whatever magical number is acceptable and you've talked to them about it and they are unwilling to do anything to compromise.
Ghosting is unhealthy obviously, but after giving a person multiple warnings and explaining the issue to them and still getting disrupted by them.

Do you propose a "parting ways" conversation instead? Because I agree final words should be exchanged.
Sometimes people are really, really dense though.

 

[Wyote]

We don’t suddenly withdraw in a whim. Its after multiple acts that we finally put a line on it.

We avoid confronting the person not because it’s avoidant, immature or funny—but because it’s a clear way of showing the other person through a mature and less messy way that we are done with the person. We show it through our actions. It’s more than clear enough to let a person know that we are done and we want nothing to do with them when we disappear and say nothing. Like I said, actions speak clearer than words.

Exactly

 

[ClevelandINTP]

It’s avoidant behavior? No no no no no. Idk how many times we need to explain it here. We don’t suddenly withdraw in a whim. Its after multiple acts that we finally put a line on it.

Why the hell do we need to always confront or tell a person up front that they hurt us or did something straight up shitty after an extended amount of chances we give to them? Or perhaps after many times in some cases we tell them or show them that we aren’t interested.

We avoid confronting the person not because it’s avoidant, immature or funny—but because it’s a clear way of showing the other person through a mature and less messy way that we are done with the person. We show it through our actions. It’s more than clear enough to let a person know that we are done and we want nothing to do with them when we disappear and say nothing. Like I said, actions speak clearer than words.

It’s avoiding conflict; so, it’s avoidant.

You don’t need to explain or justify yourself. It’s much more mature to say it directly and with respect than slowly vanishing, though. And it is because you’re causing more pain to the other party by doing this way which exacerbates the tension and increases the likelihood of more problems. Try saying two sentences and sticking to what you said. Same difference

And yes it’s not sudden, but it’s going on while people are actively trying to change. That’s just stringing people along, it’s cruel and selfish. You don’t look like the more mature one in that situation

Would you rather be tortured to death over several weeks or your head chopped off clean?

 

[ClevelandINTP]

If you’re doing it because you’re unsure but need time, then say that and say what you expect from someone. If it’s permanent, then say it’s permanent and follow through

 

[JennyDaniella]

I don’t think you read my post properly.

Or perhaps after many times in some cases we tell them or show them that we aren’t interested.

WE DO tell the person upfront. If they don’t choose to listen and keep disrespecting our boundaries, we aren’t putting up with that shit and we straight up avoid and want nothing to do with you. I don’t know how clearer that can get.

You piss us off or keep hurting us— even if we tell you or show you—and you keep on doing it, we are gone.

Simple as that.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Yea ok so somebody is complete shit for a year or less or whatever magical number is acceptable and you've talked to them about it and they are unwilling to do anything to compromise.
Ghosting is unhealthy obviously, but after giving a person multiple warnings and explaining the issue to them and still getting disrupted by them.

Do you propose a "parting ways" conversation instead? Because I agree final words should be exchanged.
Sometimes people are really, really dense though.

It doesn’t even need to be a big conversation. Just say what you need and if you want you can offer up a why. And let it go. If people are dense you just stand firm and do what you need to do. You’re not the only type that rejects people out of your life. We all deal with that stuff

 

[ClevelandINTP]

I don’t think you read my post properly.



WE DO tell the person upfront. If they don’t choose to listen and keep disrespecting our boundaries, we aren’t putting up with that shit and we straight up avoid and want nothing to do with you. I don’t know how clearer that can get.

You piss us off or keep hurting us— even if we tell you or show you—and you keep on doing it, we are gone.

Simple as that.

I’ve seen this play out differently and what is desired isn’t always expressed in a way that is direct and clear. And I would say what’s clear to you might not be clear to others. It might seem so obvious, but you gotta spell it out sometimes. People aren’t mind readers. Don’t make assumptions

 

[Wyote]

You’re not the only type that rejects people out of your life. We all deal with that stuff

yup

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Yup what. I don’t care about people detaching and moving on with their agendas. There’s certainly a clean and humane way of handling it

And moreover, what leads up to it is silent code that likely doesn’t get communicated or is obvious, and if it does, the magnitude and severity of consequence isn’t fully understood. It’s like, let’s see how well you can guess to behave

 

[Wyote]

I’ve seen this play out differently and what is desired isn’t always expressed in a way that is direct and clear. And I would say what’s clear to you might not be clear to others. It might seem so obvious, but you gotta spell it out sometimes. People aren’t mind readers. Don’t make assumptions

I see it as more of an issue with younger people. It takes a certain amount of courage and self efficacy that tends to be ushered in by adulthood, though not always.
The problem of not expressing oneself properly is big across the board.

 

[Wyote]

Yup what

just agreeing with you

 

[ClevelandINTP]

I think we got there, Wyote

 

[Wyote]

I didn't know we needed to go somewhere