INFJ loneliness
- Thread starter SadSunkenEyes
- Start date
- Nov 12, 2008
- 14,153
- 1,334
- 0
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 1w2 sx/so/sp
From my experience, it seems like INFJ's have a long time learning how to function in a social world. The majority of them have a tough time with it at first and might navigate it in a way that is a general put off for other people. It might cause them disconfort, unease, or irratation. Also we have a habit of assuming that other people make the same judgement calls, assumptions, and reasonings that we have. With social situations, we feel the need to include everyone that we feel should. Not everyone is like this though, so we must understand that we aren't going to be auto included by everyone. Often time it takes effort on our end to be included. Once we master how to do that, it's cake and just works out. College has been a wonderful environment to allow me to learn how do this.
This is a major folley that I have noticed a lot of INFJ's make. We assume everyone else has internal systems like us. Then wonder why things happen in ways we don't forsee. We might not explicitly think that (in fact we might explicitly think the reverse of this), but the vast majority of us implicitly assume this, and that is the root of the problem.
This is a major folley that I have noticed a lot of INFJ's make. We assume everyone else has internal systems like us. Then wonder why things happen in ways we don't forsee. We might not explicitly think that (in fact we might explicitly think the reverse of this), but the vast majority of us implicitly assume this, and that is the root of the problem.
I can relate to this. I have an extremely hard time fitting myself into society and often feel lonely. I feel as if people did not find me interesting, or that I am not like them and therefore I should be ignored. I feel as if I never fit in anywhere, out of place. It really is hard to combat, though I agree with Indy on what the real problem is. It is just so hard to get this into our heads, I guess with time comes more understanding and maturity in this area from us, and from others.
The biggest hurdle is accepting yourself for who you are. Knowing yourself and coming to terms with it all is a lifelong journey but as time goes on it gets easier. I spent so much time in my teens and early twenties wishing I could be different, someone else or more like the other boys and girls that I lost sight of myself.
My fantasy life has always been richer than my day to day life and it has taken a lot of discipline to put it in its place
Regular reality checks are, I think, an important thing for INFJ's. Before I decline or accept an invitation, for example, I think: Am I being lazy? Am I being selfish? How important is it to the other person that I come? Am I up to it? Can I afford it?
Then I make up my mind and live with it but NO is always my first inner jerk reaction.
I lived daily as an extrovert for a few years. I worked in a busy and crowded office environment. Most of us were single and there was a lot of partying going on. It was fun and I enjoyed it for the most part but in the end I was drained and shut myself off. I got tired of being disappointed and stomped on so much. I couldn't keep up with the frenzied pace and when I tried to back off I got accused of ridiculous things like thinking I was too good for people. sheesh
It's all about balance which I think is quite tricky for a lot of us here.
My fantasy life has always been richer than my day to day life and it has taken a lot of discipline to put it in its place
Regular reality checks are, I think, an important thing for INFJ's. Before I decline or accept an invitation, for example, I think: Am I being lazy? Am I being selfish? How important is it to the other person that I come? Am I up to it? Can I afford it?
Then I make up my mind and live with it but NO is always my first inner jerk reaction.
I lived daily as an extrovert for a few years. I worked in a busy and crowded office environment. Most of us were single and there was a lot of partying going on. It was fun and I enjoyed it for the most part but in the end I was drained and shut myself off. I got tired of being disappointed and stomped on so much. I couldn't keep up with the frenzied pace and when I tried to back off I got accused of ridiculous things like thinking I was too good for people. sheesh
It's all about balance which I think is quite tricky for a lot of us here.
The problem for me is that socialising seems like such a daunting and complex machine, with so many people/personalities/groups/fashions etc. I may find one person who I can have an easy conversation with, someone I click with, but I take a veeeery long time to make friends with anyone. Because it takes me so long, most people will either move on or just think I'm a prick. Mostly the latter. So if I take a long time to get to know one person, then a whole class or group of people will take- literally- a year or two. It's not that I don't want to integrate and make friends it's just that there are so many psychological things I need to tick on my checklist with one person before we are comfortable friends.
I've finished my first year at uni and I have made no friends. There is one ENFJ I know I will be good friends with by the end of the 3 years and a few other who I know I like already but... like I said, I'm slow. So saying all that, I'm not surprised why I'm not included, so it doesn't get me down.
I've finished my first year at uni and I have made no friends. There is one ENFJ I know I will be good friends with by the end of the 3 years and a few other who I know I like already but... like I said, I'm slow. So saying all that, I'm not surprised why I'm not included, so it doesn't get me down.
Yep, struggling with this right now. Getting to know people is like a job today. There's the feeling that you have to work at something as simple as a conversation. It feels like a chore; not very comfortable or relaxing. It's hard to find someone you can fall into an easy rapport with. And it seems you need to have particular personality characteristics (extroverted sensing) in order to have friends.
May sound a bit whiny, but it's true.
May sound a bit whiny, but it's true.
Last edited:
I've pretty much given up entirely on irl "going out" activities. Even when I had a group of friends in school they'd always do things with each other and leave me and only me out, yet they wouldn't just oust me from the group. I'd try and be the leader and organize things to do, easy to complex, but I only ever was really successful with a few people. They'd never reciprocate invitations, save one of them (I think she was just raised better than the rest, she was always downright angelic and sociable).
After that, I mostly chose to hang out with groups of boys already in a set environment doing a set of the same activities everyday, like being on comps at lunch or talking about games in the library. its much easier I find to "slip" into a group than trying to get a group to invite you to anything.
Recently I've tried my damnedest to get this one male friend of mine to do anything out of work, and I succeeded only once so far, and he was clearly unhappy the whole time. I make him lunches when we are both at work the same days though, and thats as far as I seem to be able to get.
grr... I think this explains my ever-increasing rage. This place reminds me of the past too much. Can't stop the rage when you can't exactly resolve the long-gone past.
After that, I mostly chose to hang out with groups of boys already in a set environment doing a set of the same activities everyday, like being on comps at lunch or talking about games in the library. its much easier I find to "slip" into a group than trying to get a group to invite you to anything.
Recently I've tried my damnedest to get this one male friend of mine to do anything out of work, and I succeeded only once so far, and he was clearly unhappy the whole time. I make him lunches when we are both at work the same days though, and thats as far as I seem to be able to get.
grr... I think this explains my ever-increasing rage. This place reminds me of the past too much. Can't stop the rage when you can't exactly resolve the long-gone past.
Great comments all!
social gatherings are always very uncomfortable for me, I do better with usually 2 or less people, any more than that and everything seems to become chaotic. I like your idea “Just Me” that people often pick up on this and don’t invite me because they know I will be uncomfortable.
social gatherings are always very uncomfortable for me, I do better with usually 2 or less people, any more than that and everything seems to become chaotic. I like your idea “Just Me” that people often pick up on this and don’t invite me because they know I will be uncomfortable.
Last edited by a moderator:
Does anyone else feel socializing and going out to "hang out" a waste of time? I feel like I could be doing my research, making music, or doing other things to further my goals. I understand the value and importance of friendship. I have a few good lifelong friends. But I don't like to go out much because I feel like what is this doing with my time? I have other ways to rest and relax. But the other part of me wants to meet people and explore new experiences but without dedicating so much time to doing so. I force myself to go out and end up feeling awkward or bored. It feels insignificant. I do like large crowds though.
To the OP -
Yeah, I definitely know what you're talking about and I used to feel exactly what you're talking about.
At some point for me though, it just clicked: relationships are two-way streets... give and take. If you want to be included, you gotta get your social antennae up so you know what's up happening over the weekend or vacation..
Once I started doing this, I noticed two things. 1) People realized I wanted to be included, so I started getting invites (funny how that works, isn't it?) and 2) people started noticing when I bailed on them and badgered me for being lame.
I think it's kinda like dating. If you ever want to date someone, you gotta ask 'em out. No one's going to read an INFJs mind (because no one has awesome Ni like us) and realize they're lonely and should have some attention paid to them. And honestly, that kind of expectation is super-self-absorbed and should be spanked.
It's tough. It feels unnatural. You feel like you want to melt into the floor and disappear. But you gotta start putting yourself out there. Trust me - it gets easier and once you get there, you'll never want to go back.
Godspeed!!
Yeah, I definitely know what you're talking about and I used to feel exactly what you're talking about.
At some point for me though, it just clicked: relationships are two-way streets... give and take. If you want to be included, you gotta get your social antennae up so you know what's up happening over the weekend or vacation..
Once I started doing this, I noticed two things. 1) People realized I wanted to be included, so I started getting invites (funny how that works, isn't it?) and 2) people started noticing when I bailed on them and badgered me for being lame.
I think it's kinda like dating. If you ever want to date someone, you gotta ask 'em out. No one's going to read an INFJs mind (because no one has awesome Ni like us) and realize they're lonely and should have some attention paid to them. And honestly, that kind of expectation is super-self-absorbed and should be spanked.
It's tough. It feels unnatural. You feel like you want to melt into the floor and disappear. But you gotta start putting yourself out there. Trust me - it gets easier and once you get there, you'll never want to go back.
Godspeed!!
Just a quick note on my experiences of "not being invited."
What is your phone habit like? Do you often ignore calls, or say you'll call someone back and never get around to it? I used to have a habit of ignoring phone calls from my closest friends, and my reasoning was "these people are my better friends, they'll understand that I was busy and I'll call them later." Well, getting me to make a phone call is like pulling the teeth of an unrestrained cheetah. My friends eventually got the idea that I simply didn't want to hang out. They stopped calling to invite me to do things because I never answered my phone, so it must mean I don't want to hang out. It wasn't that they didn't want me there, but they figured I didn't want to be there.
Sometimes you have to make the first move, and like Billy said, take charge. Doing so has helped my social life significantly, but I have to be constant and vigilant about it.
What is your phone habit like? Do you often ignore calls, or say you'll call someone back and never get around to it? I used to have a habit of ignoring phone calls from my closest friends, and my reasoning was "these people are my better friends, they'll understand that I was busy and I'll call them later." Well, getting me to make a phone call is like pulling the teeth of an unrestrained cheetah. My friends eventually got the idea that I simply didn't want to hang out. They stopped calling to invite me to do things because I never answered my phone, so it must mean I don't want to hang out. It wasn't that they didn't want me there, but they figured I didn't want to be there.
Sometimes you have to make the first move, and like Billy said, take charge. Doing so has helped my social life significantly, but I have to be constant and vigilant about it.
I think I tend to be a bit guarded around new people.
I tend to keep them at arms length, perhaps for too long a period of time though.
I've seen this where I work.
A new person will start, and seemingly within days they are included in all kinds of activities that take place outside of work.
I tend to keep them at arms length, perhaps for too long a period of time though.
I've seen this where I work.
A new person will start, and seemingly within days they are included in all kinds of activities that take place outside of work.
Last edited:
I like what Indy and Res and Questing Poet said. I also think Billy is correct.
Keep in mind that if you want to go out more, put yourself out there and stress yourself a little bit. Extroverts aren't going to understand that you withdraw to rest. They may assume that you don't want to participate.
Also, it is very important for an INFJ to learn to ask other people out. INFJ News flash: What you expect people to do is only correct if they are aware of how you feel. Regardless of type, if you are shy, lack of asking other people will drive them away eventually.
Be greedy. Home in on a few people you like and ask THEM. Like Indigo and Questing Poet said, unless they are unusually strong Fes, they aren't going to be thinking about you as much as you will be aware of them at all times in the "should could" sense. Other types can be just as connected but with different emphasis, so try not to judge. You have to step into their sphere of consciousness by including them in yours with clear signals. And by clear, I don't mean INFJ/P external ones, I mean the kind you use with yourself in your own demanding head. If you are INFP leaning, you might appear too detached (I know you aren't). If you are INFJ leaning, make it clear that you are accepting of them (I know you are).
As for the original question, tell your boss's wife that it is OK that she double dipped her potato chip (crisps) into the Guacamole dip, give her a light touch and tell her a joke.
Sincerely,
Abby
Keep in mind that if you want to go out more, put yourself out there and stress yourself a little bit. Extroverts aren't going to understand that you withdraw to rest. They may assume that you don't want to participate.
Also, it is very important for an INFJ to learn to ask other people out. INFJ News flash: What you expect people to do is only correct if they are aware of how you feel. Regardless of type, if you are shy, lack of asking other people will drive them away eventually.
Be greedy. Home in on a few people you like and ask THEM. Like Indigo and Questing Poet said, unless they are unusually strong Fes, they aren't going to be thinking about you as much as you will be aware of them at all times in the "should could" sense. Other types can be just as connected but with different emphasis, so try not to judge. You have to step into their sphere of consciousness by including them in yours with clear signals. And by clear, I don't mean INFJ/P external ones, I mean the kind you use with yourself in your own demanding head. If you are INFP leaning, you might appear too detached (I know you aren't). If you are INFJ leaning, make it clear that you are accepting of them (I know you are).
As for the original question, tell your boss's wife that it is OK that she double dipped her potato chip (crisps) into the Guacamole dip, give her a light touch and tell her a joke.
Sincerely,
Abby
Last edited:
Great posts! I felt the exact same way less than 5 months ago. I had been in college a year and a half and had a few friends but I still didn't go out much and my knee jerk reaction to when they invited me to do things was no. I ended up joining a fraternity this last semester though and it helped me build my social skills as well as forced me to come out of my box. Now I just choose not to socialize with people because after 3 months of doing nothing but, I realize it's not what I want. Going to parties all the time, drinking, and just having a huge social network is not all that great. It takes a lot of effort and time, which I would rather spend with a select few or following one of my interests. So I do understand this feeling, I also have to say the grass isn't always greener on the otherside. I personally am so much happier with myself and glad that I am the way I am, because I have seen how much drama comes with that social side and though the parties and such where fun, the drama was a real buzz kill.
Really now I am more happy just spending the day at home relaxing with my girlfriend or with a close friend than going to a party and having to deal with the thousand different personalities.
Really now I am more happy just spending the day at home relaxing with my girlfriend or with a close friend than going to a party and having to deal with the thousand different personalities.
What I've been noticing is that whenever I actually build up the courage to put myself out there, yes I do get invited into different social things, but then I realize that I have to spend a lot of time and energy keeping up with everyone and what they're doing. I'm usually not inclined to keep all the details of the who what where and when in mind. It's exhausting. Not that I don't like the people or appreciate their inviting me into their social lives, it's just that it gets to be too much to keep up with, especially since I have trouble saying 'no.'
Alternatively, people invite me to something, expect me to act and be a certain way, get disappointed with me or unintentionally insult me for just being myself, and I end up being fogotten about the next time that group gets together. That's usually when I end up feeling like I'm forgettable/ undesirable.
I think it has a lot to do with finding the right person or people to spend time with, and recognizing that some people aren't really compatible with your social needs. The people I generally keep in touch with are the people who were willing to give me space and don't make me feel discluded if I don't want to be around people. Since this is unconventional in the world of extraverted socializing, it's rare to find people willing to 'let you' go against the grain, but they're out there.
Alternatively, people invite me to something, expect me to act and be a certain way, get disappointed with me or unintentionally insult me for just being myself, and I end up being fogotten about the next time that group gets together. That's usually when I end up feeling like I'm forgettable/ undesirable.
I think it has a lot to do with finding the right person or people to spend time with, and recognizing that some people aren't really compatible with your social needs. The people I generally keep in touch with are the people who were willing to give me space and don't make me feel discluded if I don't want to be around people. Since this is unconventional in the world of extraverted socializing, it's rare to find people willing to 'let you' go against the grain, but they're out there.
I think many good things came out of discovering MBTI. I used to feel discluded when I was single and my kids were at their dad's house. I recall feeling extremely unsure of myself and I wasn't sure anyone would want to spend time with me. I didn't know anyone really irl until about 4 or so years ago that I would consider a friend.
I think somewhere along the way as I've gotten older, I've become more at ease with certain people, but I still want very much to be more extroverted than I currently am. Frame of mind and lots of forced extroversion while at work 5 days a week really depletes my energy though, so I have to remind myself of this when I'm feeling hard on myself for it.
I think somewhere along the way as I've gotten older, I've become more at ease with certain people, but I still want very much to be more extroverted than I currently am. Frame of mind and lots of forced extroversion while at work 5 days a week really depletes my energy though, so I have to remind myself of this when I'm feeling hard on myself for it.