Guilty about being single

[DoveAlexa]

Also, you can be a foster parent if you wish to raise kids but in a non-traditional way. Not all foster kids are broken, mean children . Or adopting an older child. If I get to 35 and think I want kids, I might go those ways, as "starting from scratch", means I'll be well into my 50's by the time they go to collage.

Question though, how many times when you get asked do you ask if they did everything in life just because someone else did, then say "if everyone jumped off a cliff would you do it too". Hah! If it was your own parents they might be so galled by the comparison they might just shut up forever!

 

[NeverAmI]

HOWEVER, most people who have kids said it was the greatest thing ever. I would personally rather teach kindergarten XD. I'd enjoy it more then I'd go home and rest up to attempt it again the nest day.

Having kids presents new challenges every day of your life. There's a lot of opportunity for growth as a parent. Not everyone uses those opportunities though.

 

[bs98r3kjf]

I don't feel guilty about it but I'd very much rather not be single.

 

[DoveAlexa]

I don't feel guilty about it but I'd very much rather not be single.

I think the guilt comes if you chose to be, or prefer to be. Since it makes the old folks get all flustered and uncomfortable .

 

[bamf]

I'm young and I choose to be single. I thought I wanted to be in a relationship again, sort of rushed into one, and said "whoops! not doing that again." If the opportunity presents itself to me, I'll accept it with open arms, but until it actually feels right I'm not going to force it. I love being in a relationship and I get excited thinking about what it would be like to be in an actual loving and committed relationship, but I can do just fine on my own without one; especially a sub-par one.

I could easily see myself as being 35+ and single, not because I necessarily want to, be but because I approach "love" and "relationships" in a serious manner. I already get the looks from my family as in they're thinking "maybe there's a reason he's single...maybe he's gay..." Not that my family isn't open-minded about that, but they have a notion (my mother in particular and her side of the family) that it's strange if someone isn't in a relationship or at least in and out of relationships until they find someone "right." If I wanted that badly to be in a relationship, I could.

 

[~jet]

I don't know about the rest of you, but I really don't want to be single, unmarried, etc... I had a granduncle who never married; he made plenty of money in his life; had no one to spend it on... when it was all over he said he'd rather have traded it all for someone to be with all that time.

I'm starting to fear he was an INFJ and I'm doomed.

 

[Bird]

My dad told me love only matters to the young.
So I have a bit of a biased opinion but I definitely side with my father on this one.


I'm still in my baby twenties but I am single now and recently my parents got remarried (which is very weird) and my mother required me to bring a date to the wedding. Family events are always supposed to be enjoyed with a significant other. It makes me very uncomfortable. I just want to spend the whole time at the bar.
I don't feel guilty for not being with someone. I personally don't think I'm ready to focus on sharing my life with someone when I haven't even really embarked upon my own very much.

Perhaps things will change when I'm older. I know I will always have that pressure from my family to be exclusively with one person forever and I'm sure the stress for me to settle down will increase as I age but I do not think I will ever feel guilty for not being in a relationship. It's a conscious choice one chooses.

 

[DoveAlexa]

My dad told me love only matters to the young.

Or anyone really really bitter about it so much that they have very heated and cynical opinions about something some of us find rather simple.
No offense, just saying that he could just have been in a bitter moment seeing as he hasn't had great luck. I wouldn't take it as gospel.

 

[arbygil]

Heh, okay.

I was avoiding this, but I think I may have something to add as well.

I'm 41, I've never been married, and I've had maybe three or four relationships in my life (two could be considered serious). Do I feel *guilty* about it? Heavens, no. Did I ever feel guilty about my singleness? No, because my family and friends were all either very supportive, or they were in the same boat. What I wish I hadn't done was take five years to "mourn the one who got away." He wasn't/isn't worth mourning.

I'm actually content right now, and I mean content. From my mid thirties until I turned the big 4-0 I really felt I was missing out or owed something, although I never let it show. I pretty much put a lot of my life on "hold" so there would space and time to share it with someone.

But now? That feeling is honestly slipping away. I've traveled around the world, I've met a variety of people, I've done many things - and I'm about to complete my Masters. You know what I want to do next? I want to live in Seattle and settle down in my own home, or apartment, and I want to enjoy where I am and enjoy the job I have. I've never moved across country by myself, and although many 30-somethings do that (or they do that with their families) I haven't. So, I think I'd like to explore that opportunity.

In short, the "guilt" or "self-doubt" or the, "I'm not pretty/sexy/good/etc. enough" goes away eventually, and you can enjoy who you are and be completely who you should be, and you can finally *love* you for you.

So I don't think that's such a bad trade off, in the end.

 

[athenian200]

I don't really think it's reasonable to expect a person to be in a relationship if they're not ready for one. By promoting it, you're doing a disservice to them, and anyone they may pursue in their desperation not to be alone.

This is one social expectation that is definitely destructive. It's better to encourage people to wait until they're sure before making a commitment, no matter how old they are. If you never get into a relationship, you lose nothing. You may find that you become a brilliant scientist, or find a cause you're passionate about, and that a relationship is not for you. If you get into a relationship that's bad for you, you could lose everything. It should always be about love, never desperation. False love is worse than none at all.

Those who would make you feel guilty about being single are not worthy of your respect. You may have to interact with them and be civil towards them, but you need not respect them or value their opinions.

 

[AUM]

My grandma is the only one who pesters me that I should have a girlfriend. She has this fear that one of her grandsons could turn out gay. I already told her like a million times that I am not, but she insists that I need to get a girl to prove that I am not.

I honestly don't know what to say about the issue, but I honestly am not interested in forming a relationship right now, mainly because I'm not psychologically ready to do so.

 

[Tulip]

As I get older, and this is probably fairly common if you're a woman in your 30s, there's the expectation that you should be thinking about, if you're not already there, getting married or at least being in a long term relationship, and having kids as the next step in your maturity, or the next stage in your adult life. If not, you're almost treated as a non-person, someone who hasn't truly experienced life fully and completely.

When someone meets you and they see you're at that age, they expect to hear about your "family." They expect you to be talkative and engage them with stories about what you're doing with your life, to show them that you are moving forward. If not, you're then considered almost incomplete, having not reached "womanhood" or achieved understanding of real adulthood - in other words, you're not grown up yet, unless you have the responsibilities of a relationship, and a family.

Marriage and family life is not for everyone. Some people enjoy being single and do not have any problem with it. There are plenty of women I know who are over 30 or even 40 but are still single. Some have chosen to remain single because they enjoy single life, and some have preferred to be single if they cannot find any decent person to share their life with.

And they also assume, naturally, because you don't have the responsibilities they have, that you can't possibly understand or relate in any way to their lives.

This is not restricted to people with or without family. It is something to do with different focus in life. People that are single have different focus from those that are married and have children. It is sometimes hard to find common topics if you have different primary concerns and focus in life. It is more to do with people usually tend to form friendship with those they can share and can understand the struggles in their stage of life, rather than because they are single or married.

If some people make you feel bad about being single, try to form friendship with other people who make you feel good about yourself.

:typing:

 

[Kavalan]

It's hard on one's peace of mind when one is the only single person at a couples patry because it just works out that way...

 

[894tt3h9]

I have zero feelings of guilt about being single. Truthfully I find being single to be so much easier and care free than being in a relationship. I don't worry about finding "the one" or settling down or whether or not my family and friends are judging me for turning into a spinster. To be honest with you, I don't think anyone I have in my life expects me to ever be in a relationship... Which could be kind of sad depending on how you choose to look at it lol

 

[Ecton]

My twin brother is still single and in his 30s. The hardest part for him was owning a home. While women may get the 'where is your family?' from the angle of having "no man or children", men get the "where is your family?" from the angle of proving they are safe for a neighborhood. The looks they give makes him feel guilty. They assume he is a felon or something.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

I feel self-conscious, not guilty about being single at times - mostly around strangers. People who know me well, know that I am "made to be single."

Funny Dynamic with Ladies I often see. With ladies I don't know well, but see often, I have an unusual, but fun, interpersonal dynamic. For instance, at my local post-office, store, petrol/gas station, and Sushi place everyone know that I am single and not looking for anyone - but they regularly ask me if I have reconsidered staying single, often throwing in a helping of ego-boosting compliments about how I would make a good catch. The girl at the local bank always goes out of her way to time things so I end up at her teller-window. She always flirts with me and I always pretend I haven't a clue what is going on.

Sometimes - it seems to come in groups - these ladies I see on a regular basis will do strange flirty/friendly things like giving me a "little present" - sometimes a few free pastries with the bread I buy (saying they want my opinion on a new recipe, or because they remembered I like hazelnuts, etc.)

Guilt about the "game I play." I do feel guilty about "leading them on" by not saying something that makes it absolutely clear that I will never have any intention of dating them. I can't bring myself say such a thing because it might be seen as a kind of rejection or disdain - I don't think they could see it as something about me - not something negative about them. So week to week I keep playing ignorant.... or playing along with the mild flirting of some of ladies I know. *Sigh*

 

[bagelriffic]

It gets out of hand though when your guy doesn't help in the least (rare these days, how hard is it to run a dishwasher, really?) or he makes 30 times the work for you than if you lived on your own, and if you have kids

right this is what i'm saying..dunno what you're saying here, your two statements contradict each other. living married isn't the same as living single you said it yourself so i guess i don't get how what you're saying is different that what i said.

 

[analyst]

This applies to men too. I'm almost 35 years old. I've had a few girlfriends over the past year, but seemingly can't maintain a relationship that lasts longer than a few months, for a variety of reasons. I was married once before, but got divorced, because she was just the wrong person for me.

I think that there unfortunately in our society, are many, many people in unhappy relationships who won't get out of them and look for something better. That's not to say that there are not many happily married people, because there are. I just think that so many people are in such a rush to get married, settle down, and slam out kids, that it's strange when they encounter someone who is exploring life on their own and trying to maybe find mr. or mrs. right along the way.

Ultimately, you shouldn't judge yourself on who you're with or the success of your relationships. You should judge yourself on being the quality person that you deserve to be...

 

[Tulip]

I feel self-conscious, not guilty about being single at times - mostly around strangers. People who know me well, know that I am "made to be single."

Why are you "made to be single"? Do you mean you are not interested in getting into any kind of relationship?

:ranger:

 

[Billy]

I'm about to hit 30, and I think men mature a lot around that age, I feel less inclined towards chasing women for my ego and more about establishing something real so that I can experience love and god willing a family one day.

Getting closer to 30is putting the pinch on, because I feel like I wont be quite as physically viable in the future, 40, 50, 60 i can have kids, but I wont have as much energy to keep up with them. I really want to be able to keep up with any children I have, and be an active part of their lives. Not just as the guy who brings home a paycheck and teaches them lessons, but someone who can run and play basketball and take them fishing and go hiking and do all that awesome stuff that I did on my own for so long.