Guilty about being single | INFJ Forum

Guilty about being single

Gaze

Gaze

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Sep 5, 2009
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I think women more than men can probably relate to this, but comments from everyone are welcome.

As I get older, and this is probably fairly common if you're a woman in your 30s, there's the expectation that you should be thinking about, if you're not already there, getting married or at least being in a long term relationship, and having kids as the next step in your maturity, or the next stage in your adult life. If not, you're almost treated as a non-person, someone who hasn't truly experienced life fully and completely.

When someone meets you and they see you're at that age, they expect to hear about your "family." They expect you to be talkative and engage them with stories about what you're doing with your life, to show them that you are moving forward. If not, you're then considered almost incomplete, having not reached "womanhood" :p or achieved understanding of real adulthood - in other words, you're not grown up yet, unless you have the responsibilities of a relationship, and a family.

And they also assume, naturally, because you don't have the responsibilities they have, that you can't possibly understand or relate in any way to their lives.

Now, simply because someone may judge someone as inadequate because they are single, doesn't signify we'll see ourselves this way. But i have to say, i can't deny the pressure sometimes felt emotionally/psychologically to not disappoint, to fulfill the social expectations of family and society, just to feel accepted or less pressured. It's normal but sooooo annoying. :D

So, anyone else here finds they feel a little guilty about being single?
 
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I think men might be able to relate to this if they are older because older single guys are viewed as either irresponsible or they have something wrong with them often times.

I don't feel guilty about being single, but I'm 20 and can't relate.

I think a large part of the problem is that when people get old and have kids, they often become their lives and that is all they talk about. They talk about their kids to people, and if you don't have kids of your own to talk about them with, they are suddenly stuck feeling like they are relating to someone back in their 20s again and can't do it because they're so boring.

Okay, that isn't the literal truth in most cases, but that is a funny way of looking at it. People are just obnoxious about it: "when are you going to get married?, when are you going to have kids?", as if there is nothing else to do in life.

I think a large part of the problem is that people feel their lives are meaningless, and so they are to get rid of that feeling by having children.
 
3:42 onwards, kinda related, also hilairious.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSx_42ivLPk"]YouTube- Ed Byrne Live At The Apollo Part 1[/ame]
 
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i have actually been pressured by my friends through criticizing the fact im not in a relationship (most likely because they don't understand why), so although i can't relate to everyone treating me this way, i have felt this before.

though i can say this is an unfair expectation of women, but in todays post industrial societies single women are becoming more and more frequent. i think its important for everyone to remember that in the majority of marriages, the woman is expected to give up far more than the man and to fulfill most of the household chores, not expect any pay, nor days off, nor vacation benefits the list goes on. i think they're completely justified in not wanting to sacrifice their pursuits for a family or a man. there are instances where roles are reversed, and also working women and men are starting to become a more frequent trend, im just talking about the majority here.
 
Try not to worry about it. I like being single and giving serious thought into poly life. Mainly because a dual income household in my part of the globe is nearing the poverty line (NY). So naturally, there needs to be a poly income house.

But more than this, I tried to find the basis of this marriage thing. In the 12,000 years of human civilization, marriage in the modern context is only about 60 years old. Basically, it's a fad just like bell bottoms. Marriage before this was strictly done by the aristocrats and royalty for political and economic reasons driven by parents. Nothing more. This whole marriage for love thing is a new age thing with one saving grace. Although extremely rare, when the marriage works, it works much better than anything else in the past. Don't be fooled: it takes a single sheet of paper to get into marriage, and volumes of papers to get out that is in modern times strictly an economic and insurance arrangement, nothing more. A few days sitting in divorce court will tell you the real nature of marriage.

But for the rest of us, the natural pair bonding arrangement is in some sort of poly organization. "The Ethical Slut" is a great book that helps to discover what poly relationships are in modern times. While the issues are different, it does make more practical sense and it's more flexible than a monogamy.

But even if all this isn't your cup of tea, there are people out there, in modern times, devoted to single life without shame. Not a homo, dyke, hermit, recluse, spaz etc, just a conscious choice to be single. doesn't have to be set in stone either, but something as a life style choice.

http://www.unmarried.org/

There are many alternatives to a married life and coming from an asian family set in traditions, I see a majority of married couples as fools because they entered in a binding, timeless contract with almost little thought and lots of hormones. And it's always a surprise for them to discover the default laws regulating marriage. (in some places, if you live with the opposite sex for a certain amount of time, you are by default married).


There is pride in the single life. There are others in your shoes. I'm usually never the one to go with the herd, in fact, I question the herd.

Asian parents ask me if I have a gf yet and I ask them if they regret getting married. Then they tell me to piss off or they tell me a bs story that nobody is expected to believe.
 
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My niece asks me frequently when I am going to get married and have children. She has asked, "You don't even have a girlfriend??"

Once, when she was talking to her brother in front of me, she let this slip, "Remember, you don't want to end up like Uncle John!" At the time I was sort of perplexed by what she meant. It was weird to think that growing up, finding a partner, and having a family is so completely embedded as the only correct path in her mind.

I asked her to elaborate but she felt really bad and started crying. I wasn't mad, I was pretty interested to understand more about how she thought about the issue.

I have remained single by choice. I am lonely at times, but I am confident that will not always be the case.
 
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I'm having a similar and related issue. I'm in a relationship but I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, let alone have kids in the near future, which is treated like a blasphemy from my part. I frequently hear a question "what are you waiting for, your time is running out" or "we did it, now it's your turn" as if I should do it because everybody else are doing it. At first I felt some guilt, but then I sat down with myself and got to the conclusion that I'll do what I want (in this case what me and my partner want) and not let those stupid remarks get to me. People who act as if you should do whatever they are doing just for the sake of timming, tradition or whatever are not really interested in you, your life and your wishes, so you should just ignore their remarks. And this actually works for me great.
 
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Siamese cat said:
I'm having a similar and related issue. I'm in a relationship but I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, let alone have kids in the near future, which is treated like a blasphemy from my part. I frequently hear a question "what are you waiting for, your time is running out" or "we did it, now it's your turn" as if I should do it because everybody else are doing it. At first I felt some guilt, but then I sat down with myself and got to the conclusion that I'll do what I want (in this case what me and my partner want) and not let those stupid remarks get to me. People who act as if you should do whatever they are doing just for the sake of timming, tradition or whatever are not really interested in you, your life and your wishes, so you should just ignore their remarks. And this actually works for me great.
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I think secretly, married people want others to be married such that they have someone to share the pain with. A sort of "fresh meat" in a county prison.
 
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bagelriffic said:
to fulfill most of the household chores, not expect any pay, nor days off, nor vacation benefits the list goes on.
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Not taking a shot at you at all, but just saying that if you weren't doing housework for yourself and your guy, you'd still be doing it for yourself anyways. That is, unless you're one of those hoarder-no-cleaner type people with the piles of crap all over your house covered in dust and cat pee XD. It gets out of hand though when your guy doesn't help in the least (rare these days, how hard is it to run a dishwasher, really?) or he makes 30 times the work for you than if you lived on your own, and if you have kids.

However it IS bullcrap getting said bullcrap from friends and family about not getting together with someone. No one NEEDS to be in a relationship, money or stature wise these day, so if you don't want to why would you? Marriage especially, if you don't want to, and don't need to, why should you? It's just silly taken to absurd when people feel the need to guilt you over it.
 
It is great when my niece says this in public in front of a ton of people. "This is my Uncle John, he doesn't have a girlfriend!"

Among tons of other really embarrassing things, spending time with my niece and nephews have taught me a lot about myself and a lot about others. They really helped me to overcome my social anxiety too. Nothing like being in a crowd of people and not having the time or ability to ponder about what everyone else is thinking.

There is something about the blunt truth of children that I adore.

My parents have repeatedly asked me if I am gay due to not having been in a relationship for so long. Seeing how this town is, I am sure many believe I am gay since I am a private person, I live with a guy, and don't enter into relationships. It doesn't really matter much to me, it is fairly unnerving to be so misunderstood though. But that's what I get for being private.
 
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durentu said:
I think secretly, married people want other to be married such that they have someone to share the pain with. A sort of "fresh meat" in a county prison.
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I think you are right. The same goes with those who got babies but are completelly unprapered for the role of a parent, or they are just immature and don't get what kind of commitment they are taking upon themselves. They usually ask "when are you planning to get one, we could let them play together" as if you could just get a baby at the supermarket and let someone else take care of it when you get bored.
 
Isn't Si suppose to be the big tradition obsessed function? Then Fe doesn't help either when it believes that all good comes from tradition and obeying it.

@NAI: It does make me wonder about people that they immediately assume gay whenever anyone has a absence of a relationship. Thats like seeing hoves and then thinking Zebra when they should be thinking horse: shy or isn't interested.
 
DoveAlexa said:
@NAI: It does make me wonder about people that they immediately assume gay whenever anyone has a absence of a relationship. Thats like seeing hoves and then thinking Zebra when they should be thinking horse: shy or isn't interested.
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It is ultra-conservative where I live currently.
 
NeverAmI said:
Yea, and they were all secretly gay! :p
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Siamese cat said:
I'm having a similar and related issue. I'm in a relationship but I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, let alone have kids in the near future, which is treated like a blasphemy from my part. I frequently hear a question "what are you waiting for, your time is running out" or "we did it, now it's your turn" as if I should do it because everybody else are doing it. At first I felt some guilt, but then I sat down with myself and got to the conclusion that I'll do what I want (in this case what me and my partner want) and not let those stupid remarks get to me. People who act as if you should do whatever they are doing just for the sake of timming, tradition or whatever are not really interested in you, your life and your wishes, so you should just ignore their remarks. And this actually works for me great.
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*gives a round of applause* i feel exactly the same way [MENTION=2300]Siamese cat[/MENTION], great post. my bf and i have been together for 2 years this september (21st :p) and we don't have plans to get married soon either. it'd be at least a year before we're ready for that~ for a lot of reasons. it's harder for women than men in this predicament i think, since we have that whole biological clock to worry about :/ i'm pretty uncertain about ever having kids, but i also wouldn't want to be 50 and looking back on my life and regretting the choices i've made. but i don't think people should be pressured at all into getting married or having children if that's not really want they want, if they're happier without. we're not obliged to follow tradition if it doesn't sit right with us~ in fact, we're blessed to have that choice. in the past we probably wouldn't have been so lucky.
 
Especially since having kids is not a till 18 thing but more a till 25+ commitment. 18 is plenty long enough to make you think long and hard about wanting to or not, but 30 at worst...
And don't forget, if you have a very disabled child, you have to do the work of baby-care for the entire rest of either your or their life, whoever dies first. Though honestly I see nothing abhorrent about putting such children in a full-time care program. Normal peiple are not trained as disability nurses combined with psychologists combined with superheros. A whole team of people are hired for that work and not 24/7 either. It's too much to demand of any parent.


HOWEVER, most people who have kids said it was the greatest thing ever. I would personally rather teach kindergarten XD. I'd enjoy it more then I'd go home and rest up to attempt it again the nest day.
 
Siamese cat said:
I'm having a similar and related issue. I'm in a relationship but I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, let alone have kids in the near future, which is treated like a blasphemy from my part. I frequently hear a question "what are you waiting for, your time is running out" or "we did it, now it's your turn" as if I should do it because everybody else are doing it. At first I felt some guilt, but then I sat down with myself and got to the conclusion that I'll do what I want (in this case what me and my partner want) and not let those stupid remarks get to me. People who act as if you should do whatever they are doing just for the sake of timming, tradition or whatever are not really interested in you, your life and your wishes, so you should just ignore their remarks. And this actually works for me great.
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Yeah, agree. Of course, we don't have to listen to them. :D It's our choice ultimately what we do with your lives. It's just one of those things that you think about as you get older, because it's not just the expectation that others have, it's the one you have for yourself. It makes you think more about what you want in your life and how much time you have for it. I mean. It's normal and natural to feel pressure and that back and forth pull to give in or resist. I's hard not to think about kids, if and when i'll have them, and whether i'll have a family by the time i'm 40.

Honestly, i didn't really see it as "oh my god, people are so mean . . . they don't understand how much pressure this is." I was more thinking, "this happens." It's just one of those things which you deal with as you get older.
 
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