Hey,
what do you mean when you say disorientation and self rejection? Is this associated with particular memories or impressions? Or is it a more general feeling? if you would rather not talk about this here feel free to pm.
Ive been very well lately. Feeling much more grounded. Ive stopped eating animal flesh for a while and it has greatly improved the clarity of my meditation.
In regards to the sense of knowing- it is like you said- a feeling of knowing without a particular direction towards something. Its like- everything is there, all the information spread out like a ocean, and i can behold that ocean, but in this particular state i have no context. There is no duality, no context. So everything makes sense, deep sense- but i cant necessarily grasp the specific meaning of what is happening because the meaning seems completely irrelavant. It all just is. In less deep states of awareness, the information is more specific, more clear in terms of 'self' and duality, but as i lose myself further into the meditation, everything becomes more 'universal' and less specific. There is a type of ecstacy that i feel compelled to go into, and in this place, all the ideas, impressions flow into one another, all thoughts (if they are thoughts at all) become like water, or fire- i can keep track of anything, or hold onto anything specific, it just flows and burns and i tend to lose myself in the movement. and i want to, because it feels so natural and wonderful to let go. And then it becomes hard to hold onto any sense of self because there really is no self and its so beautiful and satisfying to be encompassed in love. After a very deep or long trance it feels weird to be back in the body. So i try to do grounding exercises and physical activities to strengthen my physical connection.