For Women

[neko]

Neko... I am in total shock... I have no idea what to say... I'm stunned, so I hope you can just feel my support and admiration of your courage because I can't articulate properly how I'm feeling.

Thank you, Hos.. you;ve always been a supportive person and i really, really appreciate that.
I have recently found that talking about it is actually therapeutic.. [i mean talking about it outside of therapy]
I just hope it also helps someone else. we are never, ever alone.

 

[Puzzlenuzzle]

Nekoooo, Eskimo goddess, Words cannot describe how proud I am of you!

 

[neko]

Nekoooo, Eskimo goddess, Words cannot describe how proud I am of you!

Thank you, Nuzzles! you are one of the few people i confided in about this! <3 i appreciate your kind words!

 

[Puzzlenuzzle]

Thank you, Nuzzles! you are one of the few people i confided in about this! <3 i appreciate your kind words!

Anytime <3 whatever you need

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I have recently found that talking about it is actually therapeutic.. [i mean talking about it outside of therapy]
I just hope it also helps someone else. we are never, ever alone.

I imagine that talking about it can dispel any of the power it might hold over you - allow you to take control, if that makes sense (I might be totally off base).

My position with trying to support survivors is that it's their fight, so I shouldn't pressure them to talk or anything, just be there if they do decide that talking is the best thing to do in the moment, and remember that they are not defined by something that happened to them. Would you say that this is generally the way to go or…?

 

[JennyDaniella]

@Asa, I admire your courage. I'm also a survivor - sexual assault, abuse, and domestic violence. I think it's extremely important to talk about being a survivor, healing, and recovery. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2016, but had been unknowingly suffering from it since adolescence. I'm also on my path to healing and expect to be for the rest of my life, which is okay with me. Recovering from trauma has made me love, care for, trust, and respect myself more than ever before. I'm also a recovering co-dependent and am big on setting healthy boundaries. I didn't know what "healthy boundaries" even meant until I was 35 years old.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes about trauma recovery. I don't know whose quotes they are though.

"Victims are not responsible for being knocked down, but they must be responsible for getting back up. Great change has always been led by those who were bigger than their circumstances." (I don't like the term 'victim', but you could just as easily replace it with 'survivor')

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be."

"You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery."

"It's okay to grow slow."

"Healing is not linear."

I hope this will be a safe space for others to come forward. Or not come forward, but at least know they're not alone.

Thank you.
#metoo

Okay.
I've been wanting to contribute to this thread, but I've been scared. But.. I think perhaps sharing my story would be helpful to someone else going through the same thing, so I decided to just go for it, even though it won't be easy.
Like others here have shared, I am also a survivor of abuse and assault. About a year an a half ago I was raped by a complete stranger. I've never even uttered the words ''I was raped,'' not even in writing.. I would use some other terms to describe the event, but I have found a wonderful counselor and I am making great strides in recovering. I have accepted that this happened to me. I'm not afraid of men anymore. I go running outside. I live alone and I'm not paranoid at every moment. I never thought this would be the case for me again. I have PTSD but I know that if I keep going to therapy and just trying I will continue to get better and better..

@soulareclipse , I really like the quotes you shared, and especially "You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery."
I tell myself that all the time! thank you for being so open!

I would really like to turn my trauma into something positive. i would like to help other people somehow who have been raped or abused [women AND men alike].. I think even just talking about our experiences can make other feel less alone. No one ever talks about what happens after. That was almost more traumatic for me. Having to go to the hospital, getting stitches, getting tested for diseases every couple of months, etc.. I just really don't want anyone to go through this alone.

Thank you to everyone in this thread who shared their experiences. I hope you guys all know that I am always, always here for you. you can message me any time.

I just want to say thank you two for sharing your stories, revealing your vulnerabilities, and the courage that you both had to muster up to write these posts. You both are incredibly strong and inspiring, so again, thank you. I originally wanted to reply your posts earlier, but I didn't have the proper amount of time to reply and I wanted to take the time to dedicate and put all my thoughts into it, but now I have the chance to do that.

I want to say that I am so sorry you both had to experience such horrific events. Sexual assault, rape, and any forms of abuse not only disrupts and negatively impacts one's psyche, but literally shatters a part (if not, whole) aspects of one's soul and creates such a profound wound that takes such a long time to overcome, sometimes individuals never remain the same; but I will say that despite the experiences you both have went through, it is visibly evident that you both developed immense strength as a result--- you both are incredible women.

I hope one day we will reach to the point that rape; abuse of any kind towards women, men, and children, and cruel assault will soon come to an end. The more I learn about the human mind, the more I learn how precious and vulnerable the psyche is and how external factors can truly affect the deeper aspects of ourselves and how we later perceive the world, especially as early as our childhoods. The unfortunate and frustrating thing is that we as women face the constant worries about being assaulted and I hope to God that will no longer be our reality.

I literally have my car keys next to me and my pepper-spray beside it, it's this big clunky thing and well, I still haven't used it yet and honestly hope I never have to. But it is incredibly sad that we as women always have to watch our backs, even as something measly and public as our nearby Walmart parking lot---which actually human trafficking targets women, children and men at public places. I won't get into depth into the subject but yeah, just a word of caution if you ever park your car at Walmart, try to park nearby the entrance of the store, you'll be less likely targeted and keep a major eye out; I researched a lot about human trafficking and it is a lot more common than you think. Sorry, had to mention that brief note! Heh.

But anyways, thank you both for sharing. We all appreciate you two wonderful and strong gals!

 

[neko]

I imagine that talking about it can dispel any of the power it might hold over you - allow you to take control, if that makes sense (I might be totally off base).

My position with trying to support survivors is that it's their fight, so I shouldn't pressure them to talk or anything, just be there if they do decide that talking is the best thing to do in the moment, and remember that they are not defined by something that happened to them. Would you say that this is generally the way to go or…?

You’re right about how talking about it takes away the power. I’m doing a form of exposure therapy right now and it has really helped me.

I think your way of supporting is absolutely perfect.. don’t worry. :]

 

[neko]

I just want to say thank you two for sharing your stories, revealing your vulnerabilities, and the courage that you both had to muster up to write these posts. You both are incredibly strong and inspiring, so again, thank you. I originally wanted to reply your posts earlier, but I didn't have the proper amount of time to reply and I wanted to take the time to dedicate and put all my thoughts into it, but now I have the chance to do that.

I want to say that I am so sorry you both had to experience such horrific events. Sexual assault, rape, and any forms of abuse not only disrupts and negatively impacts one's psyche, but literally shatters a part (if not, whole) aspects of one's soul and creates such a profound wound that takes such a long time to overcome, sometimes individuals never remain the same; but I will say that despite the experiences you both have went through, it is visibly evident that you both developed immense strength as a result--- you both are incredible women.

I hope one day we will reach to the point that rape; abuse of any kind towards women, men, and children, and cruel assault will soon come to an end. The more I learn about the human mind, the more I learn how precious and vulnerable the psyche is and how external factors can truly affect the deeper aspects of ourselves and how we later perceive the world, especially as early as our childhoods. The unfortunate and frustrating thing is that we as women face the constant worries about being assaulted and I hope to God that will no longer be our reality.

I literally have my car keys next to me and my pepper-spray beside it, it's this big clunky thing and well, I still haven't used it yet and honestly hope I never have to. But it is incredibly sad that we as women always have to watch our backs, even as something measly and public as our nearby Walmart parking lot---which actually human trafficking targets women, children and men at public places. I won't get into depth into the subject but yeah, just a word of caution if you ever park your car at Walmart, try to park nearby the entrance of the store, you'll be less likely targeted and keep a major eye out; I researched a lot about human trafficking and it is a lot more common than you think. Sorry, had to mention that brief note! Heh.

But anyways, thank you both for sharing. We all appreciate you two wonderful and strong gals!

Thank you, Jenny! I appreciate your sweet words! Thank you for always being so thoughtful!

You’re right, it is sad how we have to watch our backs. I never really did that much before, but... yea. Now I think about these things. I’m still not even 100% comfortable with leaving my house at night.

 

[Yewduyou]

As a women I have struggle with dating.

I seem to not be able to attract the man that I'm interested to. We can't even talk. It's probably my incapabilities but most people who experience this will back out for percieved no similarity. But I just keep feeling compelled to it. The attraction never dies.

I want to securely approach and talk to them have activity together but it seems that I have no idea how to elevate my position towards it by intellect. Not what to do but more about the strings of event that can led me there.

what is the common activity to improve to keep up with the demanding environment like that?

 

[Yewduyou]

It is difficult to be the first to post in such a whammy of a thread, so I'll do a basic about me.

Hi!
I am in my 40s. – My age and the era I grew up in define my perspective and the experiences I had to a degree, but as much as things change, they stay the same.

I'm a rape and abuse survivor. It is not particularly painful for me to talk about being a survivor in general. (I've done a lot of work on this.) I am not always willing to give specifics. I'm mentioning this because it is fact, and because by talking about it, I hope to help other survivors feel less alone, and remove the victim stigma. (It's the criminal/attackers who should be stigmatized.)


I've had a few stalkers.

I've absolutely experienced gender bias in my career.

I have a billion stories I could share that will make other women feel less alone, or make them laugh because we've all been there, or make them cry because we've all been there, or just make them shake their heads because we've all been there. I will probably share some in this thread.

There is a thread somewhere on this forum about work. I posted some experiences that happened to me at work and people accused me of making them up because "those things don't really happen". Oh, yes, yes they do really happen! I deleted those posts in that thread and walked away. I don't want that to happen here. I will use the default setting that your story is the truth, and I hope others will as well. There is no need to invent stories because the real stories that happen to women are so outrageous.

I'm OK with talking about positive topics and difficult topics about women. Whatever people need or want to discuss.

I'm obsessed with mascara. Obsessed, I tell you!

If you need someone to talk to about a serious women's topic, but don't feel ready to post publicly, inbox me.

I'm so sorry for your past experience.
Also since these thread is For Women my heart goes for every woman caught in catasthrope.
I personally find it very disturbing. It's hard to recover and do something about it since there is no place to talk about it really.
Yet it can't just die.

Thank you for making this thread.

 

[RonjaRaeubertochter]

I recently thought I made it. In the past, since my teens, I have gotten into some horrible situations. I tried therapy, but struggled with the therapists. One retraumatised me. One left and just recently I ended another therapy attempt after she asked when I was laughing while talking about some of the stuff, if I acrually liked it, because I laugh.

I tried leaving my relationship over and over. Just to last minute run back. Last time I panicked. My mum and uncle wanted to pick me up and prompted the choice, either him or my family. I'd be dead to them if I don't ... and old fears came up. I went berserk fearing they'd put me in an asylum (something my mum suggested when I was 15). By now I believe I'm probably borderline, co-dependent or ... in any case I hold part of responsibility. Boundaries, decisions, I struggle with all that, and feel like I'm an ass, crazy and just a disappointment. Stuck. Why run back? It's not gonna change. Damned panic attacks, old fears ...

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I recently thought I made it. In the past, since my teens, I have gotten into some horrible situations. I tried therapy, but struggled with the therapists. One retraumatised me. One left and just recently I ended another therapy attempt after she asked when I was laughing while talking about some of the stuff, if I acrually liked it, because I laugh.

I tried leaving my relationship over and over. Just to last minute run back. Last time I panicked. My mum and uncle wanted to pick me up and prompted the choice, either him or my family. I'd be dead to them if I don't ... and old fears came up. I went berserk fearing they'd put me in an asylum (something my mum suggested when I was 15). By now I believe I'm probably borderline, co-dependent or ... in any case I hold part of responsibility. Boundaries, decisions, I struggle with all that, and feel like I'm an ass, crazy and just a disappointment. Stuck. Why run back? It's not gonna change. Damned panic attacks, old fears ...

Holy shit.

Stay strong, you still have courage. Give it another go when you're ready. Allow your internal courage and power to build, gradually. Steel yourself and feel the determination growing within you; every hour, every day, every week. It is never too late. Nothing is lost.

 

[soulareclipse]

Okay.
I've been wanting to contribute to this thread, but I've been scared. But.. I think perhaps sharing my story would be helpful to someone else going through the same thing, so I decided to just go for it, even though it won't be easy.
Like others here have shared, I am also a survivor of abuse and assault. About a year an a half ago I was raped by a complete stranger. I've never even uttered the words ''I was raped,'' not even in writing.. I would use some other terms to describe the event, but I have found a wonderful counselor and I am making great strides in recovering. I have accepted that this happened to me. I'm not afraid of men anymore. I go running outside. I live alone and I'm not paranoid at every moment. I never thought this would be the case for me again. I have PTSD but I know that if I keep going to therapy and just trying I will continue to get better and better..

@soulareclipse , I really like the quotes you shared, and especially "You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery."
I tell myself that all the time! thank you for being so open!

I would really like to turn my trauma into something positive. i would like to help other people somehow who have been raped or abused [women AND men alike].. I think even just talking about our experiences can make other feel less alone. No one ever talks about what happens after. That was almost more traumatic for me. Having to go to the hospital, getting stitches, getting tested for diseases every couple of months, etc.. I just really don't want anyone to go through this alone.

Thank you to everyone in this thread who shared their experiences. I hope you guys all know that I am always, always here for you. you can message me any time.

Jesus Christ, I'm so so sorry @neko. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to open up about our traumatic experiences, especially to new people, or even people we've known for some time but have never told before. I admire you for your bravery and resilience! And, yes, it seems you are making great strides in recovery. I still don't feel safe around men in general, but I've learned a lot from trauma recovery and like one of the quotes said "healing is not linear". Just as it's impossible to compare one trauma to another, so it is with the recovery. Experience in general is subjective and so is the healing process. There's no "right way" to recover, but I'm inspired by how well you're doing. So there you go - you've already turned your trauma into something positive and helped others. Even the smallest things can have bigger impacts. I wish I could offer you a big ole hug (and I'm not big on hugging so that's saying a lot coming from me lol).

 

[soulareclipse]

My position with trying to support survivors is that it's their fight, so I shouldn't pressure them to talk or anything, just be there if they do decide that talking is the best thing to do in the moment, and remember that they are not defined by something that happened to them. Would you say that this is generally the way to go or…?

I'm in 100% agreement with @neko. This is perfect. Reminds me of another quote (they're kinda a thing for me lol): "I don't need you to save me. I need you to stand beside me as I save myself."

Sexual assault, rape, and any forms of abuse not only disrupts and negatively impacts one's psyche, but literally shatters a part (if not, whole) aspects of one's soul and creates such a profound wound that takes such a long time to overcome, sometimes individuals never remain the same

The more I learn about the human mind, the more I learn how precious and vulnerable the psyche is and how external factors can truly affect the deeper aspects of ourselves and how we later perceive the world, especially as early as our childhoods.

Yes. I was fascinated when I started learning about the things the human brain is capable of doing in order to protect the psyche. You're correct, it can literally shatter a part or all of a person's sense of self. For years I desperately tried and struggled and fought to reclaim my former self. It wasn't until shortly after my diagnosis that my then-therapist told me I needed to stop trying to be "that girl" again. She said "that girl" was gone and I needed to grieve the loss of her in order to move forward. I ended up holding a small memorial of sorts for my former self. See, before I thought if I grieve and let that girl go, then I wouldn't exist anymore - I needed to hold onto my "broken" self because it was the only self I knew. My therapist helped me realize that I didn't need to grieve in a vacuum. It's incredibly important to not leave a gaping void where the thing that was lost used to be. One must find something with which to backfill it. It was with her help that I was finally able to let go and I gotta say, it's been incredibly freeing to define my new self. It's not arbitrary like it may sound to some (or like it used to sound to me). It's perhaps been one of the most mindful endeavors I've ever taken on.

The unfortunate and frustrating thing is that we as women face the constant worries about being assaulted

I once heard a woman tell this to a man who was struggling to understand why we feel we have to watch our backs. She asked him what his biggest fear would be if he had to go to prison. He said rape/sexual assault. She told him that we have the same fear when we're walking down the sidewalk that he has about going to prison.

I’m doing a form of exposure therapy right now and it has really helped me.

I'm curious if you've tried EMDR. I did and it seemed to help, but it works differently for everyone.

Sorry if I ramble on about myself too much - it's just that I can't speak for others, only for myself and my own experience.

 

[neko]

Jesus Christ, I'm so so sorry @neko. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to open up about our traumatic experiences, especially to new people, or even people we've known for some time but have never told before. I admire you for your bravery and resilience! And, yes, it seems you are making great strides in recovery. I still don't feel safe around men in general, but I've learned a lot from trauma recovery and like one of the quotes said "healing is not linear". Just as it's impossible to compare one trauma to another, so it is with the recovery. Experience in general is subjective and so is the healing process. There's no "right way" to recover, but I'm inspired by how well you're doing. So there you go - you've already turned your trauma into something positive and helped others. Even the smallest things can have bigger impacts. I wish I could offer you a big ole hug (and I'm not big on hugging so that's saying a lot coming from me lol).

Thank you, @soulareclipse <3 you are so kind and supportive... and I love your quotes, haha.

It was hard to write that, but this thread feels like such a safe place to do so. you're right about the recovery process being so different for everyone.. somedays I feel really good about how far I've come and the progress I've made, and other days I feel like a complete mess and I can't stop crying.
I have lots of hope for the future, though.. oh, and I would gladly accept one of your hugs! <3

 

[RonjaRaeubertochter]

Lots of support to you @neko
It's horrible what happened to you.
Great way of moving and living on though

 

[neko]

Lots of support to you @neko
It's horrible what happened to you.
Great way of moving and living on though

Thanks so much for the kind words, ronja. <3
i'm determined to live life, have fun, and make people happy.

 

[JennyDaniella]

i'm determined to live life, have fun, and make people happy.

See, this is why UR the sweetest girl!

 

[neko]

See, this is why UR the sweetest girl!

aw... we can both be! haha

 

[Wyote]

See, this is why UR the sweetest girl!

aw... we can both be! haha