For Women

[Asa]

This thread is for women. It is a place where women can peacefully discuss topics about women, both serious and fun. Please be peaceful and respectful. This thread is tagged Pax.

Feel free to discuss anything from serious topics to fun topics.
Some of the topics for this thread: feminism, metoo, abuse, rape, rape survivor, inequality, misogyny, sexism, mansplaining, gender, intersectionality, catcalling, transphobia, transgender, eating disorder, body dysmorphia, beauty, career, support.

There is a thread about beauty and makeup we could necro, but feel free to post about it here, too. With the heavy conversations that will happen here, we will probably need to lighten up a bit, too. <3

Please be good to each other! We're not always going to agree, but we can always be supportive.

I've been on this board for a few years and notice that there was not a thread for women to discuss women's topics, even though women face these topics daily, and most women have had negative gender-related experiences.

Men: While it is OK for you to post in this thread, please remember the thread is a place for women to feel comfortable discussing topics about women. Please feel free to add to the discussion. The thread is not about you, so don't choke us out or take over the thread. If we discuss problems with men, it does not mean "all men". We welcome you as an ally.

 

[Asa]

It is difficult to be the first to post in such a whammy of a thread, so I'll do a basic about me.

Hi!
I am in my 40s. – My age and the era I grew up in define my perspective and the experiences I had to a degree, but as much as things change, they stay the same.

I'm a rape and abuse survivor. It is not particularly painful for me to talk about being a survivor in general. (I've done a lot of work on this.) I am not always willing to give specifics. I'm mentioning this because it is fact, and because by talking about it, I hope to help other survivors feel less alone, and remove the victim stigma. (It's the criminal/attackers who should be stigmatized.)


I've had a few stalkers.

I've absolutely experienced gender bias in my career.

I have a billion stories I could share that will make other women feel less alone, or make them laugh because we've all been there, or make them cry because we've all been there, or just make them shake their heads because we've all been there. I will probably share some in this thread.

There is a thread somewhere on this forum about work. I posted some experiences that happened to me at work and people accused me of making them up because "those things don't really happen". Oh, yes, yes they do really happen! I deleted those posts in that thread and walked away. I don't want that to happen here. I will use the default setting that your story is the truth, and I hope others will as well. There is no need to invent stories because the real stories that happen to women are so outrageous.

I'm OK with talking about positive topics and difficult topics about women. Whatever people need or want to discuss.

I'm obsessed with mascara. Obsessed, I tell you!

If you need someone to talk to about a serious women's topic, but don't feel ready to post publicly, inbox me.

 

[Pin]

Spoiler: Opening Statement

Because this thread is specifically about women, I just want to briefly say that it's a fortunate thing to see women play a wider-role in our society today, especially in politics and public-life.

However, speaking as a man, y'all can keep your cooties over there.

Seriously though, I have the utmost respect for those particular women of this world who tirelessly dedicate their lives to the service of others and regularly surmount the expectations of our grim collective past.

 

[Asa]

Spoiler: Opening Statement

Because this thread is specifically about women, I just want to briefly say that it's a fortunate thing to see women play a wider-role in our society today, especially in politics and public-life.

However, speaking as a man, y'all can keep your cooties over there.

Seriously though, I have the utmost respect for those particular women of this world who tirelessly dedicate their lives to the service of others and regularly surmount the expectations of our grim collective past.

We will keep our cooties. Hahaha.

Female leadership is a great topic!
I'm happy roles are widening and changing for all people. We should never have needed a time when women and POC had to "emerge" in politics, and it should have happened decades ago, considering it needed to happen, but our country changes slowly.

 

[Gaze]

Great thread idea!

 

[Wyote]

Women are pretty dang cool. I am an ardent supporter of women supporting women, as I unfortunately don't see it enough in my own life.
Except for my mother of course, who is an absolute saint.

 

[Asa]

@Wyote, you don't see it enough? Are the women you know unsupportive (of other women)?

 

[Krypton]

@Wyote Where do you live?

 

[Wyote]

@Wyote, you don't see it enough? Are the women you know unsupportive (of other women)?

@Wyote Where do you live?

It's not a question of location because I've witnessed it in and out of offices in many areas. I generally don't see women maintaining healthy relationships with one another both in and outside workplace settings.

This is not a blanket statement of all women by any means, as I've seen many go out of their way to support other women. But the norm seems to be women largely supporting men while leaving their women "friends" behind in various ways.

 

[neko]

gaze! i love this thread idea. thank you for sharing so much about yourself and being so open. i will contribute soon <3

 

[MoonFlier]

It's not a question of location because I've witnessed it in and out of offices in many areas. I generally don't see women maintaining healthy relationships with one another both in and outside workplace settings.

This is not a blanket statement of all women by any means, as I've seen many go out of their way to support other women. But the norm seems to be women largely supporting men while leaving their women "friends" behind in various ways.

Location, school and heritage makes a large difference when it comes to women supporting women.
Some universities have programs set up specifically so that women are not left out in the cold after graduation. Those schools know that without ongoing female support many of their graduates (and potential supporters) will let their degrees go to waste as they're pressured into the lower paying, mediocre jobs that we fill without complaint as it is in our nature to do what has to be done to keep the family/organization running.

The Indian culture also has deep roots in making sure their women stay in touch and keep achieving their goals, as well as keeping healthy work/life/family balances.

The problems really come in when we look at the corporate cultures that are predominately populated by white male at the higher levels. Even a man of color feels the need to conform and work harder to stay and grow in their position, so a woman, colored or otherwise is at a severe disadvantage unless they put on the cold, tough attitude it takes to get anywhere. I've seen it over and over and over again (been through too many lay offs). Women in managerial roles will be particularly hard on women in the office as that is what they feel is expected, and on the flip side, they feel all women need that attitude to get anywhere (they actually think they're helping by being jerks).

 

[Wyote]

Location, school and heritage makes a large difference when it comes to women supporting women.
Some universities have programs set up specifically so that women are not left out in the cold after graduation. Those schools know that without ongoing female support many of their graduates (and potential supporters) will let their degrees go to waste as they're pressured into the lower paying, mediocre jobs that we fill without complaint as it is in our nature to do what has to be done to keep the family/organization running.

The Indian culture also has deep roots in making sure their women stay in touch and keep achieving their goals, as well as keeping healthy work/life/family balances.

Yea I see your point. I wasn't really thinking in cultural terms but you're right.

The problems really come in when we look at the corporate cultures that are predominately populated by white male at the higher levels. Even a man of color feels the need to conform and work harder to stay and grow in their position, so a woman, colored or otherwise is at a severe disadvantage unless they put on the cold, tough attitude it takes to get anywhere. I've seen it over and over and over again (been through too many lay offs).

For sure, and to my point, I've seen as well as heard the same from other women that it is a lot of the time women themselves propping up men in higher positions.
Which is weird as hell to me. I think it's worth pointing out and discussing. But I am placing a lot of personal account information into the conversation here.
Things will be different depending on a lot of things. It's just important for both men and women to be mindful of perhaps some of the more subtle elements at play.

 

[MoonFlier]

Along these lines: Have you seen the new short by Pixar? It speaks volumes about women in the workplace as well as a nod to women supporting women toward the end.
I think it's funny that the timing on this seems to be related to the whole Lasseter situation they went through.

 

[soulareclipse]

@Asa, I admire your courage. I'm also a survivor - sexual assault, abuse, and domestic violence. I think it's extremely important to talk about being a survivor, healing, and recovery. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2016, but had been unknowingly suffering from it since adolescence. I'm also on my path to healing and expect to be for the rest of my life, which is okay with me. Recovering from trauma has made me love, care for, trust, and respect myself more than ever before. I'm also a recovering co-dependent and am big on setting healthy boundaries. I didn't know what "healthy boundaries" even meant until I was 35 years old.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes about trauma recovery. I don't know whose quotes they are though.

"Victims are not responsible for being knocked down, but they must be responsible for getting back up. Great change has always been led by those who were bigger than their circumstances." (I don't like the term 'victim', but you could just as easily replace it with 'survivor')

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be."

"You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery."

"It's okay to grow slow."

"Healing is not linear."

I hope this will be a safe space for others to come forward. Or not come forward, but at least know they're not alone.

Thank you.
#metoo

 

[Deleted member 16771]

@Asa, I admire your courage. I'm also a survivor - sexual assault, abuse, and domestic violence. I think it's extremely important to talk about being a survivor, healing, and recovery. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2016, but had been unknowingly suffering from it since adolescence. I'm also on my path to healing and expect to be for the rest of my life, which is okay with me. Recovering from trauma has made me love, care for, trust, and respect myself more than ever before. I'm also a recovering co-dependent and am big on setting healthy boundaries. I didn't know what "healthy boundaries" even meant until I was 35 years old.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes about trauma recovery. I don't know whose quotes they are though.

"Victims are not responsible for being knocked down, but they must be responsible for getting back up. Great change has always been led by those who were bigger than their circumstances." (I don't like the term 'victim', but you could just as easily replace it with 'survivor')

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be."

"You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery."

"It's okay to grow slow."

"Healing is not linear."

I hope this will be a safe space for others to come forward. Or not come forward, but at least know they're not alone.

Thank you.
#metoo

God damn. Everytime I read something like this I'm like 'another!?'

One of my best friends is involved in domestic abuse recovery - his wife set up a charity to serve our area - and he once said to me that 'I don't think I've met a single woman who hasn't been abused or harassed at some point in her life'. He's 61 now. This really struck me at the time, and then I thought of my female friends and family, and I had to agree with him. Sometimes I think that decent men don't actually realise the extent of what goes on.

 

[soulareclipse]

Yeah, it's terrifying when you realize just how prolific the issue really is. One in five women in the US will be raped or a victim of attempted rape in their lifetime, and less than half of them will report it. One in five. That is staggering. Only 12% of child sexual abuse incidents are reported.

So many people wonder why survivors (of abuse in general) don't come forward or report. As someone who did report, I can tell you exactly why. The answer is simple, but gross. In the domestic incident, cops showed up but didn't believe me even though I had cuts, bruises, and a broken finger. They said there was no sign of forced entry (I had already told them it was my ex and he'd let himself in after taking my spare key from where he knew I kept it hidden, so yeah there wasn't going to be any sign of "forced" entry) and therefore no indication that he'd done that to me. They even insinuated that it was just as possible that I'd done that to myself(?!). I asked them if they were going to at least take pictures of my injuries for their records and one of them told me I'd have to do that myself if I wanted pictures. They didn't arrest him; they told him to get in his car and leave. I drove myself to the emergency room afterwards where the staff let me stay all night because I was too scared to go home. It's called re-traumatization and that shit makes you question whether the world in general is a safe place to be. Even those whose job it is to "serve and protect" can't be trusted to keep you safe. My own brother blamed/shamed me for some of the other abuse I experienced for not getting away from it sooner.

So yeah, I can totally understand why so many keep their mouths shut. It's probably in their best interest. Just typing this up was a little triggering tbh. I've learned how to live with it, but it still pisses me the fuck off.

Mad props to your friend and his wife. It's because of people like them that people like me have someone who will listen and take them and their safety seriously. It's fucked up, man.

 

[Asa]

I haven't even responded to this thread (in depth) yet. I noticed one person deleted their post, and I'm sending that person lots of love, too.

I will write about women not supporting women soon. I agree that it is a very real problem.

@soulareclipse – thank you for your honest, wise and support words. <3
The quotes you shared about recovery are really good ones.

Edit: You posted while I was typing. Your post is giving my shivers. I'm so sorry. What a traumatizing experience to go through with the cops.

Boundaries are an interesting topic. That would be a good thread, or if you want to talk about cultivating boundaries here, that would be awesome, too!

@Deleted member 16771 - When I was in my twenties my dear friend said she was, "...Waiting for the day because she was the only [young] women she knew who hadn't been raped."
Abuse and assault are very common.
I admire your friends who work in recovery.

 

[soulareclipse]

I will write about women not supporting women soon. I agree that it is a very real problem.

Queens see queens. Yes, another important topic for discussion. I'm looking forward to reading more of what you have to say on it.

Boundaries are an interesting topic. That would be a good thread, or if you want to talk about cultivating boundaries here, that would be awesome, too!

I'd love to. My recovery really took off when I learned what healthy boundaries are and how to set and maintain them (with myself as well as others). I believe boundaried healing is the most effective kind. I'll try to get my thoughts in order and revisit this soon as well. Great idea!

 

[neko]

Okay.
I've been wanting to contribute to this thread, but I've been scared. But.. I think perhaps sharing my story would be helpful to someone else going through the same thing, so I decided to just go for it, even though it won't be easy.
Like others here have shared, I am also a survivor of abuse and assault. About a year an a half ago I was raped by a complete stranger. I've never even uttered the words ''I was raped,'' not even in writing.. I would use some other terms to describe the event, but I have found a wonderful counselor and I am making great strides in recovering. I have accepted that this happened to me. I'm not afraid of men anymore. I go running outside. I live alone and I'm not paranoid at every moment. I never thought this would be the case for me again. I have PTSD but I know that if I keep going to therapy and just trying I will continue to get better and better..

@soulareclipse , I really like the quotes you shared, and especially "You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery."
I tell myself that all the time! thank you for being so open!

I would really like to turn my trauma into something positive. i would like to help other people somehow who have been raped or abused [women AND men alike].. I think even just talking about our experiences can make other feel less alone. No one ever talks about what happens after. That was almost more traumatic for me. Having to go to the hospital, getting stitches, getting tested for diseases every couple of months, etc.. I just really don't want anyone to go through this alone.

Thank you to everyone in this thread who shared their experiences. I hope you guys all know that I am always, always here for you. you can message me any time.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Okay.
I've been wanting to contribute to this thread, but I've been scared. But.. I think perhaps sharing my story would be helpful to someone else going through the same thing, so I decided to just go for it, even though it won't be easy.
Like others here have shared, I am also a survivor of abuse and assault. About a year an a half ago I was raped by a complete stranger. I've never even uttered the words ''I was raped,'' not even in writing.. I would use some other terms to describe the event, but I have found a wonderful counselor and I am making great strides in recovering. I have accepted that this happened to me. I'm not afraid of men anymore. I go running outside. I live alone and I'm not paranoid at every moment. I never thought this would be the case for me again. I have PTSD but I know that if I keep going to therapy and just trying I will continue to get better and better..

@soulareclipse , I really like the quotes you shared, and especially "You survived the abuse. You're going to survive the recovery."
I tell myself that all the time! thank you for being so open!

I would really like to turn my trauma into something positive. i would like to help other people somehow who have been raped or abused [women AND men alike].. I think even just talking about our experiences can make other feel less alone. No one ever talks about what happens after. That was almost more traumatic for me. Having to go to the hospital, getting stitches, getting tested for diseases every couple of months, etc.. I just really don't want anyone to go through this alone.

Thank you to everyone in this thread who shared their experiences. I hope you guys all know that I am always, always here for you. you can message me any time.

Neko... I am in total shock... I have no idea what to say... I'm stunned, so I hope you can just feel my support and admiration of your courage because I can't articulate properly how I'm feeling.