Do you think INFJs are clingy?
- Thread starter earthtocarrie
- Start date
I can recall one incident in my life when I was ever "clingy" and it was because a relationship I had was waning and I didn't know why. I felt I needed to know why and if the other person refused to communicate the why, so by gum I'd make him tell me by being the biggest pest ever.
I didn't like that part of myself either, to be honest.
I didn't like that part of myself either, to be honest.
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I haven't clung since my early 20s. At that time a dear, dear friend of mine did a 180 on me that I wasn't expecting. In shock, I kept trying to talk to her when she was giving me every message subtle and not-so-subtle that our friendship was over. It was a life lesson for me.
That's not to say I still don't cling. Mentally I do yes. Friends and partners are so precious and few for me. If I've not heard from someone I have great amounts of love for, my instinct is to create some light and warmth where this is none at the moment. In the past, that would result in me reaching out a lot. In this day and age though (I'm 35), I'm seeking to balance contact vs. reciprocation. If I catch myself engaging in clingy thoughts - I try to distract myself with a good read, perhaps something academic or some random musical adventure equivilent to a ride on a winding mountain road.
I've learned the intensity of my internal emotions I have to keep them "managable." That is to say, how much I send out into the world. It's hard because I don't hold them in well at all. I'm almost in a steady tightrope act to keep things "ok" for 'out there.' Last thing I need is my coworkers looking at me like I'm from Proxima Centauri. They sometimes do anyway, because I work in a highly extroverted field.
But you get my gyst... (I hope)
That's not to say I still don't cling. Mentally I do yes. Friends and partners are so precious and few for me. If I've not heard from someone I have great amounts of love for, my instinct is to create some light and warmth where this is none at the moment. In the past, that would result in me reaching out a lot. In this day and age though (I'm 35), I'm seeking to balance contact vs. reciprocation. If I catch myself engaging in clingy thoughts - I try to distract myself with a good read, perhaps something academic or some random musical adventure equivilent to a ride on a winding mountain road.
I've learned the intensity of my internal emotions I have to keep them "managable." That is to say, how much I send out into the world. It's hard because I don't hold them in well at all. I'm almost in a steady tightrope act to keep things "ok" for 'out there.' Last thing I need is my coworkers looking at me like I'm from Proxima Centauri. They sometimes do anyway, because I work in a highly extroverted field.
But you get my gyst... (I hope)
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I think your observation is accurate considered as a moralistic judgment revealing your own personal discomfort with the behavior of another.
Do I think there is anything inherently disordered about the behavior of an INFJ when they have opened themselves to someone emotionally and then fear this intimacy may be lost?
No.
Do I think there is some emotional disconnect between the way you interact and the way your friends interact that causes you to shift responsibility for your discomfort into negative labels of your friends behavior?
Yes.
Just to note, my observations come from how clingy I've noticed they've been to others, not myself.
I disagree about the part on negative labels. If a person is being clingy, there's no other way to describe it.
Don't worry earthtocarrie, I think your right about clingy INFJ's
I get clingy with people I know at awkward social situations I am not comfortable in. I can tell I am doing it, but I just feel lost in a crowd of strangers.
I get clingy with people I know at awkward social situations I am not comfortable in. I can tell I am doing it, but I just feel lost in a crowd of strangers.
OK, noted. Doesn't change anything about my comments, though.
I disagree. There is observable behavior and then there is the language chosen to describe that behavior.
That I've seen when INFJs are afraid of loosing somebody
They either cling to death convincing themselves that this will prevent said friend from leaving, or they don't cling but they turn themselves into a nervous wreck of worry over weather said person will stay.
E tu
They either cling to death convincing themselves that this will prevent said friend from leaving, or they don't cling but they turn themselves into a nervous wreck of worry over weather said person will stay.
E tu
At hearth I'm a very clingy person, but I don't show it: I fear the vulnerability. So much so that people tend perceive me as cold and detached, even though I'm really not either of those things.
Heh, seems like I'm not alone here, though.
Heh, seems like I'm not alone here, though.
This is familiar for me. 99% of the time I can care about people, but have a personal distance that doesn't make me particularly vulnerable. Those few times I make myself vulnerable I can fear rejection because such connections are so rare. It is difficult to trust and so that can produce a need for validation. I like to recognize any unreasonable thoughts or behaviors in myself and always be willing to be honest and admit it when it occurs. I hope it makes up for my few vulnerable spots.
Definitely the vulnerability would be what stops me from revealing my 'cling' as well, Marc.
I've noticed that some people who have never experienced that irresistible urge to hold on for dear life after you've opened yourself up will have a knack for making you feel preeeetty small while calling you out on your behaviours.
