Does someone need to work hard to earn your love?

Gaze

Gaze

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MBTI
INFPishy
Does someone need to work hard to earn your love? Or do you give it freely? Does it depend?


Were you always this way, or has this changed over the years?
 
in the past probably yes, but i think it had more to do with me in the sense that i didn't trust people so i needed someones outright admission and attention to feel comfortable with the idea of a relationship with them. i told myself this was valid bc i was different and if a person could understand that, then they could understand me, and anyone else was pointless.

ive since realized people aren't actually mind readers nor out to get me so nowadays if i like someone i let em know and do my best to get something started. for me i just get a vibe if i like someone or not, they don't have to work especially hard at it, it has more to do with who i think they are and thats enough.

ive found people will let you know over time what to expect and how they wanna be treated, the sooner i help them feel comfortable themslves, the sooner i know if its going to work or not so i guess the role has kind of reversed.
 
I've never felt that someone did or didn't have to work hard to earn affection. This doesn't mean I won't have expectations or qualities i'd like someone to have before i make a committment, but i wouldn't say they'd need to work hard to prove themselves to deserve love, although they should prove themselves worthy of a committment. If i'm attracted to someone, i'm attracted to who they are, not what they could or need to be. On the other hand, it's not prudent to give love away too easily. I'm realizing recently that i do need to be more careful about how much i give before i receive.

I used to think that ideally it was better to simply give, and then it would be reciprocated, but of course, it doesn't work this way. People are often manipulative and abusive and if you give too much away without someone working for it, or seeking to earn your respect of out a sincere desire to love and honor you, then you're setting yourself up to be taken advantage of, which i've learned recently. Sometimes, when you give something away too readily or easily, it's not seen as valuable or worthy. This is usually why some may play hard to get. When something is not easily gotten, people tend to think of it more highly.
 
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Anita said:
because if i'm attracted to someone, i'm attracted to who they are, not what they could or need to be.
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I agree.
For me, if I care for someone, I just care. There is no need to hunt dragons, cut the thorns around castles or collect the bitten enemies for my love.
The other side of story is that I don't easily fall in love (or out of love).
 
For me, love has different stages. Feeling love is one thing. Trusting someone and committing to them is something else. Being willing to actively invest my feelings in them is yet another. Etc.
 
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Well for me it depends on the other person.
I have few simple principles which I hold dear:
* Don't smoke.
* Don't drink too much. ( I drink alcohol ~1-2 times in a year, more is accepted of course by my future partner, but anyone who has a tendency to be drunk is automatically excluded. -_-;; )
* Accept my sometimes childish behavior.

This actually reduces the possibilities by a ~90%. ( Maybe a bad environment? D: )
But the remaining ppl have it quite easier. :) If they can act childish to that helps lot. :3

Another point a view that I have never asked anyone out till now. >_>
Why? In middle school I had better things to do. I was too serious? Most likely. But I had 0 zero interest in having a girlfriend. My ex asked me out that time, now that was quite funny for me. Well I had a lot of new experience beside her, but I was right at that too that I don't necessary need a girlfriend. Not if she can't accept my lifestyle. ( Lost some friends because of her, wasn't able to go to the univ i wanted, had to skip many opportunities, and she became in the end narcissistic like hell....)
Now I don't want any again. I'm studying for exams, aptitude tests, looking for work till 2011 summer. Even later a girlfriend wouldn't be necessary for me. If I would find someone who suits me, then I would ask her out.
If I want to be an architect, then i won't have much time (here are just too many of them, if you want to be one, then you will have to give 120%, or you will fail).
Maybe a cute architect student :3
But who know what the future brings. :D

Lol... this became too long. sry. ^^;;
 
Some people do, others don't so much. If I really like a person, then I find myself hoping that they show some kind of interest in me. If not, I just keep my distance. I find that for me, love isn't really earned as much as it is developed. If I get to know someone really well, I can't help but love them like I would a member of my family, maybe more in the case of romantic relationships, which I haven't yet put much effort into, so I'll only know when it happens.

I wonder, though, where the line between love and compassion is (or should I say, the line before compassion and love intertwine) I'm willing to show to anyone and everyone compassion, even if I don't really like them that much.
 
Whiskey said:
to earn my love no, to earn my trust, yes.
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+1 Love is easy for me to give. I give both love & trust freely, but violate my trust and we will never be the same. I have been able to forgive and become close to those who have betrayed my trust after working very hard at it but I find I am never able to get back to that100% level with them ever again.

I think the problem is I don't see the logic in it. There is no reason to violate trust. A person should be able to communicate and work through challenges. I suppose I associate trust specfically with deceit...so I have struggled with determining an acceptable reason to lie to someone. I just can not understand or find something to support that point of view. It's probably ego-centric of me to determine if I can't find a reason it is not valid but that is definitely not my intention.
 
oddgirlout said:
+1 Love is easy for me to give. I give both love & trust freely, but violate my trust and we will never be the same. I have been able to forgive and become close to those who have betrayed my trust after working very hard at it but I find I am never able to get back to that 100% level with them ever again.
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Ditto here. I love and trust easily. Too easily sometimes. Sometimes I can be downright naive. :m136:
But like you said, once/if that trust gets broken, it will never get to the same level it once was.
 
I am generally very loving and open with my friends, but that naturally extends only so far. Beyond that, it's not so much a matter of working hard so much as a matter of getting to the truth in a relationship. Love can be found there.

However, I must say that I fear my ability to love like that is eroded away completely...something has vanished inside. Despressing as that sounds, even the most desolate landscape has a kind of beauty if one learns to recognize it. Not trying to be melodramatic here....I became single when I was 35 and am now 55. That's 20 years of adjustment, and a lot can change in that time. Why, I consider it a simple success that I am not cynical, bitter and cold-hearted! :)
 
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Soulful said:
For me, love has different stages. Feeling love is one thing. Trusting someone and committing to them is something else. Being willing to actively invest my feelings in them is yet another. Etc.
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Exactly for me too. A lot of the time, I know exactly how much I'm able to love a certain somebody. I tend to have my intuition help me determine how far my friendships can go even. I tend not to love anyone unless I know I am capable of loving them with my all.

So, it doesn't necessarily take someone to EARN my love. They just have to be, and I see who they are, I will love them completely (but as Soulful says, step by step...as I learn to trust them more and more). It's like my intuition is unravelling...every time my intuition is proven right, the more I open up, the more I love.

I am picky though, but that's different from the difficulty of earning one's love.

Also agree with Neptunesgun, that once the trust or love is violated, it will never be the same again. In fact, for me, even though I might love someone still, I think my love would just eventually erode away. Like the mechanism (or bridge) that has allowed that person access to the deepest part of me, is now chipped. I would just have to end it.
 
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quite a few complex thoughts about this issue. they don't have to work hard exactly. they do have to be someone i could love to start with, to have qualities that i appreciate. i used to trust completely but i'm not sure that i am capable of it anymore. i think it's a bit too much to expect of another person, to be completely trusted, i think i'm setting myself up for failure if i trust someone completely. i used to give complete trust to people who were not able to value it and i think it was not very fair of me to go into rages when my trust was broken. i think i've learned to build love and trust slowly over time for a person who shows that they are able to consistently value and respect me to a meaningful degree. i'm a bit more understanding than i used to be because i think in a way it is natural to take another person for granted and that no relationship is perfect. so maybe they do have to work to earn my love, because it takes work to always try to respect others.

actually i have a GP who i have been able to trust completely and who has always unfailingly valued my trust. it could just be that i've never had to trust anyone else that absolutely, but it almost seems to me that i might not have met anyone else like that. it may be a more rare human quality than it initially seems, to be entirely trustworthy. i think it's kind of lucky for me that i've had someone in my life who i've been able to trust absolutely.

but also the question is about love as distinct from trust. love is strange and conflicted to start with. hard to say. i try to be a generally loving person and to recognise and embrace the beauty in others. is love a gift given or a choice made? it's complex.\\

EDIT, also, i am still working on respecting the trust of others myself, and maybe never get there.
 
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invisible said:
quite a few complex thoughts about this issue. they don't have to work hard exactly. they do have to be someone i could love to start with, to have qualities that i appreciate. i used to trust completely but i'm not sure that i am capable of it anymore. i think it's a bit too much to expect of another person, to be completely trusted, i think i'm setting myself up for failure if i trust someone completely. i used to give complete trust to people who were not able to value it and i think it was not very fair of me to go into rages when my trust was broken. i think i've learned to build love and trust slowly over time for a person who shows that they are able to consistently value and respect me to a meaningful degree. i'm a bit more understanding than i used to be because i think in a way it is natural to take another person for granted and that no relationship is perfect. so maybe they do have to work to earn my love, because it takes work to always try to respect others.
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Agree.

is love a gift given or a choice made? it's complex.\\
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That is THE question, isn't it . . . hmm
 
I can't talk about romantic love, as I have no experience there, but I try to give my kindness to anyone and everyone I can if that's in the same boat. As for really letting someone in, that takes a very long time for me.
 
Anita said:
Does someone need to work hard to earn your love? Or do you give it freely? Does it depend?


Were you always this way, or has this changed over the years?
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I tend to love those who love me. However, I'm not a door mat. So within reason and depending on the type of realtionship that I have with that individual.

I value close friends and family dearly, only they get to see my inner world and have my trust as an individual. It takes a long time for me to trust another.

Love is not earned, but respect is. Love is given.
I don't love everyone that I respect, but I respect those whom I love. My loyalty will always be there for them.

I have never been romantically in love so I can't go there and discuss about it (its uncharted waters for me).:m069:
 
yepunsarang said:
Exactly for me too. A lot of the time, I know exactly how much I'm able to love a certain somebody. I tend to have my intuition help me determine how far my friendships can go even. I tend not to love anyone unless I know I am capable of loving them with my all.

So, it doesn't necessarily take someone to EARN my love. They just have to be, and I see who they are, I will love them completely (but as Soulful says, step by step...as I learn to trust them more and more). It's like my intuition is unravelling...every time my intuition is proven right, the more I open up, the more I love.

I am picky though, but that's different from the difficulty of earning one's love.

...
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Yes, precisely.
 
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