What does socializing mean, really?

[Jayce]

My kind of socialising = Sitting around a bonfire at night on the beach listening to the surf and reminiscing with good friends.

Ahhh, now that's what I'm talking about. Sounds lovely.

I really don't like what the majority of the population calls socializing. Clubs and raucous parties seem shallow to me. I can't stand when I'm put in situations to make small talk for x amount of hours, over loud music, with people I'd probably never be interested in talking to out of this forced situation. Plus, I hate "dancing" which today seems like people just grinding and rubbing against each other. Just thinking about the club scene is making me feel all resentful.

A lot of my friends absolutely love the club/party scene. Getting drunk of their ass, high as a kite then hooking up with that hottie in corner? Yeah, they eat that shit up. It's hard to make them understand that that sort of thing just isn't enjoyable for me. I like one-on-one interactions or hanging with a close knit group. One of the happiest moments of my life was when I was playing Rock Band with five of my friends and everyone was singing "Maps" together as we racked up a high score. At that moment, I felt connected with all of them and was extremely glad I had them as friends. "I felt infinite" in the fine words of author Stephen Chbosky.

I've never had that feeling at a party.

I have a close friend, who I now believe is an ESFP, who just can't wrap her head around the fact that when I request to hang out with her I only mean her. She always brings someone else along and changes our plans when all I really want to do is maybe hang out on the couch and talk. To socialize, I don't even necessarily have to be talking to the person. Being in their presence is enough. I remember when we'd be driving somewhere she'd always say "You know, I don't feel like I have to say anything when I'm with you. Usually when I'm in the car with someone I feel the need to keep up a conversation but with you I feel comfortable with silence."

Well, that's all I have to say on the matter. Sorry about the bad language. I usually don't curse that much but I'm in an unpleasant mood.

 

[Faye]

I prefer to talk to people, but the good thing about people who construe socializing and dancing at a party or whatever is that they are low maintenance friends. They don't become good friends, but at least they are there to... well.... party with.

 

[Orion]

Yeah I really don't like night clubs, just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. I hate the shit loud music the most. It just does not appeal to me. There is no clear structure to the event. Okay so I've got a drink, now what? I stand awkwardly and any girl I do like isn't exactly gonna be in a conversational mood.
Then you'll get started on by some yob and I really don't wanna get arrested for having to knock someone out. I'd much rather be at a friends house with a few mates, sitting around eating pizza or walking around town or something. Small groups getting together to talk is my idea of socializing!
Of course, if you tell anyone that you don't like clubbing, they look at you like you've just killed a baby.

 

[Eniko]

Of course, if you tell anyone that you don't like clubbing, they look at you like you've just killed a baby.

So true. And I used to get down on myself for not liking it. Partly because I thought maybe it was just that I was too shy/scared of trying it. But then I tried it and it sucked every bit as much as I imagined and I realized it's just not for me.

If people can't live with that, then that's their loss, I suppose.

 

[IndigoSensor]

My friends have come to terms with the fact that I don't like clubbing or large parties where I don't know anyone. I did have to sit down for a while and explain the inner details of it though before some of them "got it".

 

[Orion]

I would love the luxury of sitting them down and explaining that to them. Looks like I'm just gonna have to grit my teeth and join in on it for the next 3 years.

 

[evalura]

A lot of being at clubs has to do with losing yourself to the music (in my experience). It is more about letting yourself lose your identity for a bit to become something more. It goes take some getting used to, but it is possible to have fun at clubs (even for an INFJ )

I used to love going to clubs but I was looking to meet a guy. The truth is that it was only fun until around 12 AM then I was so sick of the noise I would have to get out of there.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I like clubs and loud music, because it lets me get lost in myself -- at a club, if there's enough people, you can dance and no one will judge you. Another face in the crowd, feeling the beat. I like that.

Socializing, for me, does have a lot to do with people, though. I don't really consider clubbing socializing, but talking to people before and after is. Although things like clubbing, even if you can't hear the person, you can still get a lot out of it -- smiles, body language, things like that. I don't mind going along with people if I can watch them and they're happy. Kind of creepy, but there you go. I kind of become a sort of ENFJ when I'm in public, though, and I've gotten very used to being around people and just tagging along.

 

[overainbows]

So, tonight I'm going to a club. And I started thinking about whether what we consider "socializing" is what the majority of people (sensing extraverts?) consider it to be. It started because I wondered why people who love to socialize so much always seem to choose to do so in places where there's noise so loud that you can't actually hear each other over it.

That seemed counter productive to socializing. But then I realized that it might just be me who considers socializing to consist of actually talking to and interacting with people on some verbal level. Maybe what the majority of people consider socializing to be is really more just being around people, even if they're not actually interacting with any of them much at all.

If that's true that would explain why I dislike "socializing". I never feel more alone than when I'm around other people but not interacting with them at all.

I SO agree with you!

I've also had some problem in my family with it, because a few times when I spent the whole day with them (quiet in a corner most of the time, not really interacting) later they would say that 'it was awesome' that I spent the day together with them, socializing and then I said I didn't think we were really together. After some troubles, I stopped saying it, but it can't be any more true that these kind of situations are the times when I feel most lonely.

For me all the scene is very sad. People like this usually feel like they had a great time with the person, that they got to know the person because and usually can say if they liked or not he/she just because they were at the same place. It's funny how people feel like we're bonding when I go to a lot of parties where I don't necessarilly interact with them.

It doesn't work for me.

I perceive most of these people are Sensors (introverts and extraverts).

 

[the]

I never feel more alone than when I'm around other people but not interacting with them at all.

I like to be by people and not have to have anything to tell them or do with them except be by them.

 

[the]

Just thinking about the club scene is making me feel all resentful.

resentful about what?

 

[dneecey]

I like to be by people and not have to have anything to tell them or do with them except be by them.

I like being around people who I don't have to say a million things to. It's nice to just sit quietly and be with someone. It doesn't make me feel bad, it gives me comfort to know that this person is okay with me just being quiet and thoughtful. I really like and appreciate that feeling.

 

[dneecey]

Take some e before hand...wait what was the question?

I will now run away with Luci like the dish ran away with the spoon... I assume this will lead underground, and if I'm with her than I will follow her into the dark...

 

[easy_rider]

I consider socialising to be actually talking to someone, but I just enjoy people's company and talking is often just some sort of obligation, problem is when they dont think the same way so silence is awkward coz I know that they're probably waiting for me to talk or thinking of something to say

 

[easy_rider]

it's sort of the hard work, and then you get the rewards later of being able to just enjoy someone's company comfortably

 

[Nela]

I like being around people who I don't have to say a million things to. It's nice to just sit quietly and be with someone. It doesn't make me feel bad, it gives me comfort to know that this person is okay with me just being quiet and thoughtful. I really like and appreciate that feeling.

I like that too, I can feel totally comfortable sitting with someone and not feeling pressured to say anything, but only if these are all people who know me and if I feel comfortable in their presence. When I'm in the company of strangers I always feel bad for being the quiet one though.

 

[Ketsugi]

I don't really like clubs, myself. I much prefer sitting and chatting over coffee or a snack. I like the bookstore because it's a good place to share interests (unless the other person doesn't read.) Anything that stimulates conversation, like window shopping, is really cool. I don't like to be in large groups. I like one on one conversation the best.

I also love playing hostess! I don't know why, but I like having a friend over and making food for them, tea, coffee, dessert, the whole nine yards. I go all out and make a huge fancy spread. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to cater to others. I am shy when I do it though, but the payoff is worth the nervousness. I like to make people feel special.

I really like MP3 players, too. It provides a great opportunity to "show" others what you listen to and that almost always sparks conversation.

I recently discovered meetup.com. I joined a writer's club which I love because while it's a group, I don't feel pressured to socialize because there's always a speaker at meetings.

 

[Ketsugi]

Oh, and being around someone who understands my N? That's just the gold at the end of the rainbow. Very rare, though. *cry*

 

[Nela]

Oh, and being around someone who understands my N? That's just the gold at the end of the rainbow. Very rare, though. *cry*

:nod: The N and the F mostly..

 

[rainrise]

I have a close friend, who I now believe is an ESFP, who just can't wrap her head around the fact that when I request to hang out with her I only mean her. She always brings someone else along and changes our plans when all I really want to do is maybe hang out on the couch and talk. To socialize, I don't even necessarily have to be talking to the person. Being in their presence is enough. I remember when we'd be driving somewhere she'd always say "You know, I don't feel like I have to say anything when I'm with you. Usually when I'm in the car with someone I feel the need to keep up a conversation but with you I feel comfortable with silence."

this reminds me of this one time with an ESTP. i don't think she understood that coffee meant only us and to add to the misunderstanding, beforehand she wanted to see a movie too. i was interested in her at the time and it was before i read into MBTI...so it hit me by surprise as i thought the plans were mutually 'understood'. i lol at it now yeah, but it hurt back then.