Tips for a Shy Girl Hoping to Meet People?

[BlitheBriley]

I've never really been that interested in dating, partly, I think, because I was really involved in other things, and partly because I've been a little scared. I didn't want to get hurt, and I have this tendency to put the needs of those I care about above my own, even to the point of hurting myself at times. This makes me hesitant to care about other people because when I do, it's hard to make the decisions that are right for me.

But now I find that I want a relationship. I feel ready for the challenges and look forward to an opportunity for personal growth. However, I have two problems. First, I'm not so great at meeting people because I'm pretty shy. The party scene has never been where I shine; the more people you put in a room, the more I close myself off from everyone there, no matter how hard I try to participate. Second, I don't find myself attracted to people easily. What I generally find attractive in people are the things you discover once you get to know them -- things such as kindness, thoughtfulness, a positive attitude, etc.

Anyone have any tips for how to meet people? Any tips on starting and sustaining conversation?

 

[rawr]

I've never really been that interested in dating, partly, I think, because I was really involved in other things, and partly because I've been a little scared. I didn't want to get hurt, and I have this tendency to put the needs of those I care about above my own, even to the point of hurting myself at times. This makes me hesitant to care about other people because when I do, it's hard to make the decisions that are right for me.

But now I find that I want a relationship. I feel ready for the challenges and look forward to an opportunity for personal growth. However, I have two problems. First, I'm not so great at meeting people because I'm pretty shy. The party scene has never been where I shine; the more people you put in a room, the more I close myself off from everyone there, no matter how hard I try to participate. Second, I don't find myself attracted to people easily. What I generally find attractive in people are the things you discover once you get to know them -- things such as kindness, thoughtfulness, a positive attitude, etc.

Anyone have any tips for how to meet people? Any tips on starting and sustaining conversation?

well im terrible at sustaining a conversation, but for starting one, one of the biggest things I've realized (though) cliche, is oftentimes you have to initiate it yourself...go up to someone and introduce yourself. now for an introvert, it's definitely something easier said than done...

 

[Billy]

I've never really been that interested in dating, partly, I think, because I was really involved in other things, and partly because I've been a little scared. I didn't want to get hurt, and I have this tendency to put the needs of those I care about above my own, even to the point of hurting myself at times. This makes me hesitant to care about other people because when I do, it's hard to make the decisions that are right for me.

But now I find that I want a relationship. I feel ready for the challenges and look forward to an opportunity for personal growth. However, I have two problems. First, I'm not so great at meeting people because I'm pretty shy. The party scene has never been where I shine; the more people you put in a room, the more I close myself off from everyone there, no matter how hard I try to participate. Second, I don't find myself attracted to people easily. What I generally find attractive in people are the things you discover once you get to know them -- things such as kindness, thoughtfulness, a positive attitude, etc.

Anyone have any tips for how to meet people? Any tips on starting and sustaining conversation?

I also don't like crowds, what I have found works well for me is groups of people no larger then 5. You can get involved in local stuff, if you're in college maybe a political or religious organization or an athletic.

The way I have been finding success is that I just start going to small gathering with a few good friends where I dont feel all bombarded and shy, and then i meet the people and befriend the people there and then I get invited to new stuff. And so on and so forth and every time my social circle expands I meet new opportunities and people.

 

[Timeless]

I've never really been that interested in dating, partly, I think, because I was really involved in other things, and partly because I've been a little scared. I didn't want to get hurt, and I have this tendency to put the needs of those I care about above my own, even to the point of hurting myself at times. This makes me hesitant to care about other people because when I do, it's hard to make the decisions that are right for me.

But now I find that I want a relationship. I feel ready for the challenges and look forward to an opportunity for personal growth. However, I have two problems. First, I'm not so great at meeting people because I'm pretty shy. The party scene has never been where I shine; the more people you put in a room, the more I close myself off from everyone there, no matter how hard I try to participate. Second, I don't find myself attracted to people easily. What I generally find attractive in people are the things you discover once you get to know them -- things such as kindness, thoughtfulness, a positive attitude, etc.

Anyone have any tips for how to meet people? Any tips on starting and sustaining conversation?

How about if you wear this out one day?

 

[middle1]

Like you, I'm picky, well maybe that's not the right word lol. I was always in situations to meet guys but they never added up or I could see right through them. Most, if not all of my friends are extroverts so they were always inviting me out on the social scene and I like to have fun too!

The one guy I seriously fell for first broke my heart, so I swore to myself I wouldn't date again unless I felt there was some sort of future in it.

Maybe 6 months or a year after we broke up, I met my now husband. But the funny thing is, he was too scared to ask me out, and I always always let the guys do the initiating. Knowing he might slip me by, I finally got up the courage to give him my #, it was bold and out of my comfort zone but that small action that maybe took seconds or minutes of discomfort and embarassment has changed my entire life : )

 

[cmrain]

You can always try online dating.

Chat with them online until you feel comfortable enough to meet in person. It wastes little time and you can find out more about the person without having to approach them directly or be in a situation that is too extroverted until you are ready.

 

[CoffeeShopDiva]

You can always try online dating.

Chat with them online until you feel comfortable enough to meet in person. It wastes little time and you can find out more about the person without having to approach them directly or be in a situation that is too extroverted until you are ready.

What they said. ^

Be safe, but it could be a good experience for you.

 

[Shai Gar]

oh hey babeh

 

[Kirsten]

Just let go
it"s easier said than done but don't over think things and worry
try to slowly put yourself out there more

 

[yepunsarang]

Hey! It's so funny how you've just expressed exactly what I'm going through right now. I also recently have found myself wanting a relationship---not because I feel there is something "missing" in my life or anything. I just feel stable, independent, and confident in life right now. I want to figure out what love is all about, learn something a little new, challenge myself---since I consider myself one of the most mature, wise people out there. This of course, can be a problem for us young college students!

It's also very hard for me to fall for someone---I have to first love who they are at their core..so I need to know them quite well beforehand. I currently really like this guy, but I'm really down because I took a chance and told him how I like him. But it seems that I've met him too early on down the road......he's still trying to figure out who he is and is very confused. I rarely ever take chances in relationships because there are more guys not worth my time out there than those who are worth my all. It's just fact.

Not too much in the party scene either, though occasionally I have this huge urge to dance. But, I am SURE that I wouldn't trust or totally fall for a random guy I met at a party. That is, unless we decided to have a very interesting convo and moved out of the party to continue the talk under the stars

 

[Ecton]

I currently really like this guy, but I'm really down because I took a chance and told him how I like him. But it seems that I've met him too early on down the road......he's still trying to figure out who he is and is very confused.

I was that guy in my early twenties. I hated being that person because I knew what I was missing out on. But that's life.

 

[yepunsarang]

I was that guy in my early twenties. I hated being that person because I knew what I was missing out on. But that's life.

! Was it completely hopeless?? You think a girl could've changed you and helped you find yourself? (Gosh, I'm just getting too hopeful here~ tee hee hee)

 

[Ecton]

! Was it completely hopeless?? You think a girl could've changed you and helped you find yourself? (Gosh, I'm just getting too hopeful here~ tee hee hee)

That's a good question. Probably. But they would have had to be very patient...

In the end, whether you can change someone... I guess you've already heard the standard line, that you can't go into a relationship expecting to change or grow someone. That has a very small chance of working out, and you are best off avoiding any relationship based on the perception that you will change them.

As for maturity.... I don't think you can force it. I think you are better off finding someone you can relate to now. Just be careful, I can't tell you how many guys and girls in college went around looking for "someone as mature as them." They got burned by all kinds of posers. There are people on college campuses who specialize in preying on people who feel mature and self contained.

 

[the]

Start with "Hi my name is___" If you end up not likeing them, then stop talking to them and try again.

 

[foureyes]

one thing i would suggest is next time you notice someone noticing you . . . actually do something see that as an invitation to approach. There's not much to worry about -their inital intrest is a sign of potential, and you've already emiliminated the chance of immediate rejection. if after talking the anticipated flames are shown to be non existant then you both can just go along your merry ways.
of course, you'd only bother to approach those you saw potential with as well, common sense but thought i'd say it regaurdless.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

I've never really been that interested in dating, partly, I think, because I was really involved in other things, and partly because I've been a little scared. I didn't want to get hurt, and I have this tendency to put the needs of those I care about above my own, even to the point of hurting myself at times. This makes me hesitant to care about other people because when I do, it's hard to make the decisions that are right for me.

But now I find that I want a relationship. I feel ready for the challenges and look forward to an opportunity for personal growth. However, I have two problems. First, I'm not so great at meeting people because I'm pretty shy. The party scene has never been where I shine; the more people you put in a room, the more I close myself off from everyone there, no matter how hard I try to participate. Second, I don't find myself attracted to people easily. What I generally find attractive in people are the things you discover once you get to know them -- things such as kindness, thoughtfulness, a positive attitude, etc.

Anyone have any tips for how to meet people? Any tips on starting and sustaining conversation?

If you want someone who will drag you way out of your comfort zone, try to meet someone at a party. Parties usually attract extraverts.

If you want to find someone like you, start doing whatever you honestly, deep-down want to do. If it is walking among the trees on a waterside, do it. Because it is likely that you will meet people of a similar temperament in those situations - or at least, you might be noticed by people of a similar temperament who are too chicken to do whatever takes their shy fancy.

 

[yepunsarang]

That's a good question. Probably. But they would have had to be very patient...

In the end, whether you can change someone... I guess you've already heard the standard line, that you can't go into a relationship expecting to change or grow someone. That has a very small chance of working out, and you are best off avoiding any relationship based on the perception that you will change them.

As for maturity.... I don't think you can force it. I think you are better off finding someone you can relate to now. Just be careful, I can't tell you how many guys and girls in college went around looking for "someone as mature as them." They got burned by all kinds of posers. There are people on college campuses who specialize in preying on people who feel mature and self contained.

Wow...this makes me feel really sad. I know I should write a post about what's been up with me because it's complex. But.. I feel like I've been waiting for the right person to show up for soooooooo long. I'm getting daunted and disheartened. This guy is actually a friend and apparently, I'm the only person outside of his family that he's ever felt close and comfortable with. He wants to "have fun" but I want a relationship. I actually want BOTH.

I feel like if I want something out of this, I need to make a move NOW. I really want to---naturally, my heart is telling me to just completely fall. My head is so scared. I really genuinely care about this guy. I want to comfort him, be there for him, and show him that it's the him the way he is, that is so beautiful.

Arghhh i've been just keeping my distance the past few days, but I just feel like hugging him and giving him a kiss from behind!

 

[Ecton]

To the OP:

I agree with the above posters (uberoggo and foureyes). I also did what Flavus Aquila suggested. I had more success meeting extroverts outside parties, but I was particularly bad at parties. It can be VERY HARD for an INFJ to do these things, and VERY DRAINING, but do it anyway.

Wow...this makes me feel really sad. I know I should write a post about what's been up with me because it's complex. But.. I feel like I've been waiting for the right person to show up for soooooooo long. I'm getting daunted and disheartened. This guy is actually a friend and apparently, I'm the only person outside of his family that he's ever felt close and comfortable with. He wants to "have fun" but I want a relationship. I actually want BOTH.

My wife said she didn't want a serious relationship when we first met, but I knew she was being dishonest with herself. Just be careful with young men, its often the other way around. Then again, I dated a bunch of other people where we had mismatched goals. That's just life. I'm assuming the two of you are similar in age. If he is much older, then something is wrong with this equation.

And definitions of maturity differ. Personally, I think someone who just wants to have "fun" can be more mature than someone seeking a permanent relationship. But it can also be the other way around. This will vary with your value system and so you have to interpret him yourself.

It sounds to me like you should try to go on dates with him, and see what he is like. But if he doesn't want to be serious, you decide what that means your relationship will be like. Stay in control. If you don't get what you want from the relationship, end it.

 

[yepunsarang]

To the OP:

I agree with the above posters (uberoggo and foureyes). I also did what Flavus Aquila suggested. I had more success meeting extroverts outside parties, but I was particularly bad at parties. It can be VERY HARD for an INFJ to do these things, and VERY DRAINING, but do it anyway.



My wife said she didn't want a serious relationship when we first met, but I knew she was being dishonest with herself. Just be careful with young men, its often the other way around. Then again, I dated a bunch of other people where we had mismatched goals. That's just life. I'm assuming the two of you are similar in age. If he is much older, then something is wrong with this equation.

And definitions of maturity differ. Personally, I think someone who just wants to have "fun" can be more mature than someone seeking a permanent relationship. But it can also be the other way around. This will vary with your value system and so you have to interpret him yourself.

It sounds to me like you should try to go on dates with him, and see what he is like. But if he doesn't want to be serious, you decide what that means your relationship will be like. Stay in control. If you don't get what you want from the relationship, end it.

Ecton, thanks so much for the suggestion. I've gotten pretty down lately because I've just realized truly, that we're not meant to be. It's weird because i feel like I can see the true him, the "mature him", the him that he doesn't share with anyone in the outside world (and is afraid of). I wanted to show him to love that part. But now I see that this inner frustration is something really driving him---this "fun" that he wants is something almost therapeutic, something he needs to ram into, in order to get more mature.

I feel like i've been hurt by this a bit. I expected love, he doesn't know how to love, he doesn't feel ready for a committed relationship. It's getting to be a bit taxing, but at least I now know what he wants and he made it clear. It's so frustrating because I feel like for most INFJs, it's hard to even like someone. I was willing to give him a chance, but now it's something far gone.

Now I have to act tough and pretend that we could just be friends. Even if he's messed with my head and done things with me *ahm* that severely blurs the line. Nah, but I'm going to be tough because not just anyone deserves me.

Thanks for reminding me that I SHOULD BE IN CONTROL. I feel like I've been out of control, and he's been in a way using me to "have fun", although I'm sure it wasn't done with evil intention. While he just wanted fun and "experience", I was hoping that may be I'd be able to get closer to him and convince him. You're right, I need to be more careful---I can't be this giving and empathetic.

 

[Ecton]

Ecton, thanks so much for the suggestion. I've gotten pretty down lately because I've just realized truly, that we're not meant to be. It's weird because i feel like I can see the true him, the "mature him", the him that he doesn't share with anyone in the outside world (and is afraid of). I wanted to show him to love that part. But now I see that this inner frustration is something really driving him---this "fun" that he wants is something almost therapeutic, something he needs to ram into, in order to get more mature.

Ah, ok. That's a common stage for guys. I went through that sort of thing when I was 23. By the time I was 27, I had come out the other side. But don't bother waiting around. Its a one way process, and its just as bad on the other side.

I feel like for most INFJs, it's hard to even like someone. I was willing to give him a chance, but now it's something far gone.

That is something that changed for me. The older I got, the more people I liked. There are still a few people who rub me the wrong way, but they are not even a large minority. I'm more of an old dog. Just don't step on me and I don't bite. And I don't bite kids. Still, meeting that special someone did take time and we did happen to have a lot of similar values. We were also making the same maturity mistakes at the same time, so it was easier to take.

Now I have to act tough and pretend that we could just be friends. Even if he's messed with my head and done things with me *ahm* that severely blurs the line. Nah, but I'm going to be tough because not just anyone deserves me.

I agree that you should be tough, and not everyone deserves you, but its ok to show that you are hurt. Obviously you won't use it as a weapon. It seems like from your writing that you wouldn't do that. But you don't have to pretend.