Males: Have you friendzoned women, and if so, why? | Page 7 | INFJ Forum

Males: Have you friendzoned women, and if so, why?

Sometimes Yeah said:
Everyone has ambivalence in their lives. In my case, the core of my life and enjoyment is solitude, but I also need friendship and sexual release. For the most part, I have male friends, but also some very dear female friends. It's cliche, but progressing a friendship into a relationship would ruin it for me; I'd hate the intrusion.

Sex seems less fraught, because our culture has casualised it, but in older times, I guess I'd just have to make a difficult choice between celibacy and marriage.

Social norms and mores don't carry much weight for me, but there is a sense that life is somehow incomplete unless you raise a family. Idk... it's sort of annoying having divergent wants and needs.

I had hoped others may have provided some insight or inspiration.

Alas
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If you were genuinely concerned about these things you'd work towards finding an appropriate balance rather than creating some sort of strange half baked humble brag on a forum.
It's not hard to create space for yourself while also engaging in deep friendship/relationship, you're just lazy.
 
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In general, I am quite nervous about losing caring friendships, so basically, even if I theoretically were in love with someone, if I at all perceived it could ruin the friendship, I would keep that private. I don't think it should ruin it, and I encourage openness whenever possible, but push comes to shove, kind of like I'm not going to expect a trauma-survivor to be able to control certain emotions, if this sorta thing is a huge trigger, I'll tread with caution.

The reason is that in the end, I don't think of the 'in love' part as anywhere close to as important as the caring, as it's more of a flavor/subtype rather than the main thing I'm interested in.
 
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Wyote said:
If you were genuinely concerned about these things you'd work towards finding an appropriate balance rather than creating some sort of strange half baked humble brag on a forum.
It's not hard to create space for yourself while also engaging in deep friendship/relationship, you're just lazy.
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I'd be happy to just continue having casual sex from time to time, but the question about family and long term relationship building plays at the back of my mind. I'm looking for people with insights into that difficulty, not for smug rejoinders.
 
Sometimes Yeah said:
I'd be happy to just continue having casual sex from time to time, but the question about family and long term relationship building plays at the back of my mind. I'm looking for people with insights into that difficulty, not for smug rejoinders.
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Glad we're getting somewhere. I'm not looking for apathetic attention seeking individuals.
Smug rejoinder types are my people. They know how to get shit done and have fun doing it.
 
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Sometimes Yeah said:
I'd be happy to just continue having casual sex from time to time, but the question about family and long term relationship building plays at the back of my mind. I'm looking for people with insights into that difficulty, not for smug rejoinders.
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The thing is, you haven't exactly outlined a problem here.

What is your issue exactly?

The loss of sexual variety in a committed relationship? The demands made on your time in a committed relationship?

Do you even want a family? A long-term relationship?

If the answer to these latter two questions is 'yes', then the answer to your 'problems' are simple: you're either going to have to find someone who is up for a freaky arrangement, or make sacrifices to your lifestyle.
 
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Deleted member 16771 said:
The thing is, you haven't exactly outlined a problem here.

What is your issue exactly?

The loss of sexual variety in a committed relationship? The demands made on your time in a committed relationship?

Do you even want a family? A long-term relationship?

If the answer to these latter two questions is 'yes', then the answer to your 'problems' are simple: you're either going to have to find someone who is up for a freaky arrangement, or make sacrifices to your lifestyle.
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I think of all the MBTI types, INTJs are the most independent and who most value solitude. I'm certainly true to type in those regards. Nevertheless, having a family is also something important to me. I just don't know if I could put up with having to live with someone, and if I did, would I just be ruined?

I friendzone intelligent, capable female friends, because I'm avoiding serious relationships. It isn't a great way to live, but maybe it's the only option.

I guess there's people who get married, and spend most of their time away from home. Eg. Military personnel, merchant Navy crews, pilots, etc. That could be an option.
 
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Sometimes Yeah said:
I think of all the MBTI types, INTJs are the most independent and who most value solitude. I'm certainly true to type in those regards. Nevertheless, having a family is also something important to me. I just don't know if I could put up with having to live with someone, and if I did, would I just be ruined?

I friendzone intelligent, capable female friends, because I'm avoiding serious relationships. It isn't a great way to live, but maybe it's the only option.

I guess there's people who get married, and spend most of their time away from home. Eg. Military personnel, merchant Navy crews, pilots, etc. That could be an option.
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1) I think you're misusing the term 'friend zoning', though that's not to say it has a particularly firm definition.

2) I think you need to work on your goal-setting, which should come naturally if you're INTJ.

We're different people, but as a supposed INTJ myself, I never have to worry about knowing what I want, because I always do. I don't second-guess my goals in that sense, or agonise over which direction to take my life. What you're struggling with here is more characteristic of Ne, or perhaps an under-developed Fi. To remedy this, just have a think about what your life priorities actually are, and what you need to do to attack them.

As an aside, if I had to guess I'd say you were more likely to be ENTP. Either that or you've done a hatchet job on your Fi (trauma?) and fucked up your goal-setting process as a result.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
1) I think you're misusing the term 'friend zoning', though that's not to say it has a particularly firm definition.

2) I think you need to work on your goal-setting, which should come naturally if you're INTJ.

We're different people, but as a supposed INTJ myself, I never have to worry about knowing what I want, because I always do. I don't second-guess my goals in that sense, or agonise over which direction to take my life. What you're struggling with here is more characteristic of Ne, or perhaps an under-developed Fi. To remedy this, just have a think about what your life priorities actually are, and what you need to do to attack them.

As an aside, if I had to guess I'd say you were more likely to be ENTP. Either that or you've done a hatchet job on your Fi (trauma?) and fucked up your goal-setting process as a result.
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It's probably an anticipated midlife. I'm in my 30s and many of my plans seem under revision because travel may be off the cards for a long time.

I've never had any interest in a long-term relationship whatsoever, but now it's bugging me.
 
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Are your parents divorced? Were they always fighting a lot? Maybe you never had good examples of a strong, committed relationships? Maybe you saw people important in your life loved too much and lost themselves in the process and you didn't like what you saw hence, you didn't want to experience such things because you're scared of what it could do to you?

Or.. you've already had bad experience and didn't want to go through such again?

Or maybe you have too much high idealistic expectations from a prospective partner (This could also stem from the questions mentioned above) -- tell me, can you also meet such expectations?

Regardless of type, we are humans. And as humans, mistakes are part of us - it's how we learn. I understand that it's hard to invest so much on something that you have no idea of what the outcome is because humans and emotions are unpredictable.. (or maybe you do, but it could also be a self fulfilling prophecy/projection?)

Anyway, I can relate to this. But I'm not a guy and I have my reasons why I am this way as well. I'm aware though of the why. And working on how to overcome the fear.

I hope this helped a bit. :)
 
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Bellosome said:
Are your parents divorced? Were they always fighting a lot? Maybe you never had good examples of a strong, committed relationships? Maybe you saw people important in your life loved too much and lost themselves in the process and you didn't like what you saw hence, you didn't want to experience such things because you're scared of what it could do to you?

Or.. you've already had bad experience and didn't want to go through such again?

Or maybe you have too much high idealistic expectations from a prospective partner (This could also stem from the questions mentioned above) -- tell me, can you also meet such expectations?

Regardless of type, we are humans. And as humans, mistakes are part of us - it's how we learn. I understand that it's hard to invest so much on something that you have no idea of what the outcome is because humans and emotions are unpredictable.. (or maybe you do, but it could also be a self fulfilling prophecy/projection?)

Anyway, I can relate to this. But I'm not a guy and I have my reasons why I am this way as well. I'm aware though of the why. And working on how to overcome the fear.

I hope this helped a bit. :)
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Thank you for the thoughtful reply.

I think the biggest factor is just my personality type, INTJ. My parents are married and very close with each other. The only time I've heard raised voices at home was when something like a tree which was being cut down started to fall towards a family member, or if my brother had stuck something in a power plug.

The thing is I don't want someone else living in my house, but I sort of wonder if there's a way around that.
 
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