INFJ's And Polyamory *multiamory*
- Thread starter Chessie
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I'm an INFJ and my girlfriend is an INFP. She brought up the idea of a polyamorus relationship a few months back. I was very paranoid at first, but after doing a lot of research, it calmed my nerves for the most part. We haven't "tried it out" yet and I still have moments of doubt, but when I think about it, polyamory can, in a decent amount of ways, keep a relationship happy. I think the reason why I have doubts is because I grew up in a very religious household where all of the rules were pretty much nailed into my head. Could I get some advice since our polyamorus relationship is still in the infant stages? I know that communication and trust are the two biggest things in order for it to work out.
I am so glad I found this thread!
I am so glad I found this thread!
Only do it if you absolutely want to.
Regardless of whether you were brought up religious or not, has the idea of being polyamorous occurred to you before your girlfriend suggested it?
Do what is natural to you--and not something to please your girlfriend.
Polyamory isn't a way to "keep a relationship happy." It's a lifestyle.. not just something to spice things up..
In fact I think it's odd that you think of it as a way to keep a relationship with someone else happy.
Are you confusing it with an open relationship?
(Which in regards to keeping a relationship happy is debatable.)
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Seriously, dump her, she is basically telling you she wants to fuck other dudes and keep you on the side. She sound insanely self centered. And in that situation you MAY think its going to be you and her and her girlfriend living some fantasy but whats really going to happen is she is gonna be out fucking other dudes while you sit home alone on a Saturday night. Sound fun? Unless you are a super stud and got it like that and have tons of women aching to snag you, you really are going to be getting the short end of the stick.
I usually agree with the "intent" behind Billy's posts---not necessarily everything he says....
I would question whether the desire comes from wanting a specific individual or actually wanting to change to a lifestyle. I mean, IMO, polymourous individuals will usually gravitate toward suitable relationships versus becoming monogamous and then trying to "turn" their partner onto the lifestyle. I would also question whether you have the temperment to sustain such a relationship if your first response was to be suspicious versus intriguied. Billy is right in that if you agree, she will be having sex with other people--you need to know that you are able to emotionally be okay with that.
ACD, I think I might be wrong when I say this (please correct me if I am wrong), I've always thought an open relationship was a "branch" of Poly in a broad sense. We have had many long talks about it, and both terms (Poly and open relationship) have been mentioned. I shouldn't have said "keep the relationship happy." I usually say things the wrong way, lol.
NDN NT, a while back, we did bring the subject up, but it wasn't anything serious at the time. Then a few months back, that's when we had the serious talk about it. Both of us have really been intrigued with this subject for awhile, but reading into it and actually practicing it is two different things.
We have both agreed on just one other partner (not a bunch of people as Bill mentioned. No disrespect at all, I truly DO understand where you are coming from.), and before anything does happen, we need to be aware of who we're talking to, who we're interested in, what the status of our relationship/acquaintance with that person is and what we might be feeling at any given point in time. If I know and trust the other party enough, I really would be emotionally okay with it. We trust each other and communicate more than enough to where both of us are comfortable (me not as much because I'm a pretty closed minded person).
However, I flat out told her that if, once something does happen and I don't like it, then I have to stay true to myself. I know it's going to be a rough road and it's definitely something that I think about all the time. Although I may be throwing good judgement out the window, I'm going to be honest and say that instead of throwing in the towel after just talking about it, I should at least try and see what is truly out there. Although I hate to use analogies, I see it as learning to swim. You have to talk about it, get over your fears, put any doubts aside, get your feet wet then try.
I'm keeping a positive attitude about this. I just wanted to hear some insight from others! You have all been very great help.
If it's alright, I will keep you posted on how things go.
PS
I do apologize if none of this made sense. I'm not the greatest with words, but I hope you kinda catch my drift.
NDN NT, a while back, we did bring the subject up, but it wasn't anything serious at the time. Then a few months back, that's when we had the serious talk about it. Both of us have really been intrigued with this subject for awhile, but reading into it and actually practicing it is two different things.
We have both agreed on just one other partner (not a bunch of people as Bill mentioned. No disrespect at all, I truly DO understand where you are coming from.), and before anything does happen, we need to be aware of who we're talking to, who we're interested in, what the status of our relationship/acquaintance with that person is and what we might be feeling at any given point in time. If I know and trust the other party enough, I really would be emotionally okay with it. We trust each other and communicate more than enough to where both of us are comfortable (me not as much because I'm a pretty closed minded person).
However, I flat out told her that if, once something does happen and I don't like it, then I have to stay true to myself. I know it's going to be a rough road and it's definitely something that I think about all the time. Although I may be throwing good judgement out the window, I'm going to be honest and say that instead of throwing in the towel after just talking about it, I should at least try and see what is truly out there. Although I hate to use analogies, I see it as learning to swim. You have to talk about it, get over your fears, put any doubts aside, get your feet wet then try.
I'm keeping a positive attitude about this. I just wanted to hear some insight from others! You have all been very great help.
If it's alright, I will keep you posted on how things go.
PS
I do apologize if none of this made sense. I'm not the greatest with words, but I hope you kinda catch my drift.
@skyfire322
It could be a branch.. from what I understand though.. (and it may be very little because I only happen to know one poly person...)
Polyamorous relationships are not all about sleeping with other people.. it's about having love for more than one other person, and then you all form a relationship together.. an exclusive relationship not unlike a monogamous relationship between two people.
Sure sex may be an outcome, but from what I've been told, it is considered cheating if one of the parties sleeps with someone else outside of the triad without the consent of the others.
But you guys already agreed on just one other person entering your relationship so it sounds like you knew that already.
Have you determined the sex of the one you will look for? Or does that not matter? Do you guys know what you are looking for?
I'm intrigued at the idea of agreeing to bring someone else into it.. and then determining mutually who it is you're looking for.
Now I'm just being nosy and curious.
It could be a branch.. from what I understand though.. (and it may be very little because I only happen to know one poly person...)
Polyamorous relationships are not all about sleeping with other people.. it's about having love for more than one other person, and then you all form a relationship together.. an exclusive relationship not unlike a monogamous relationship between two people.
Sure sex may be an outcome, but from what I've been told, it is considered cheating if one of the parties sleeps with someone else outside of the triad without the consent of the others.
But you guys already agreed on just one other person entering your relationship so it sounds like you knew that already.
Have you determined the sex of the one you will look for? Or does that not matter? Do you guys know what you are looking for?
I'm intrigued at the idea of agreeing to bring someone else into it.. and then determining mutually who it is you're looking for.
Now I'm just being nosy and curious.
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Let me guess, 1 other person so long as its a girl right? And what happens when she uses that as justification for bringing in another dude? unless you are bisexual or simply dont care, are you gonna be able to deal with that?
I don't think it's up to us to determine the sexual orientation that would be 'suitable' for either individual. Personally, I believe humans are, in a way, pansexual. Of course it has always been in our nature for men and women to be attracted to each other in order to reproduce, but humans are also far more complex and faceted when it comes to things like emotions. When I mentioned pansexuality, I didn't literally mean it solely in the physical aspect. Rather, I was merely referring to the emotional side; the fact that humans are social creatures who seek to further connections with other humans. In these connections, sometimes love can arise, regardless of sexual orientation. At any rate, polyamory means 'multiple loves', and as far as I'm concerned love and sex aren't mutually exclusive.
I myself am devoted to one individual in the physical sense and emotionally, I have a more intense and divine spiritual connection with him in comparison to all others whom I love. This elevated connectedness makes me consider our relationship as monogamous, and the feelings are mutual between us in this regard. If we both were to come across another individual (or two) that involved this heightened affection, and it was the same for all those involved, then I would consider that as polyamorous and I would be perfectly happy with that.
I think that as long as all members of a relationship share a mutual understanding and attraction for each other, or at least mutual consensus allowing it, that should make sense and should be accepted. If skyfire says that he feels comfortable and trusts his girlfriend and her partner, it shouldn't matter who she picks.
just spread the love, man
I myself am devoted to one individual in the physical sense and emotionally, I have a more intense and divine spiritual connection with him in comparison to all others whom I love. This elevated connectedness makes me consider our relationship as monogamous, and the feelings are mutual between us in this regard. If we both were to come across another individual (or two) that involved this heightened affection, and it was the same for all those involved, then I would consider that as polyamorous and I would be perfectly happy with that.
I think that as long as all members of a relationship share a mutual understanding and attraction for each other, or at least mutual consensus allowing it, that should make sense and should be accepted. If skyfire says that he feels comfortable and trusts his girlfriend and her partner, it shouldn't matter who she picks.
just spread the love, man
How could it not matter if they're to also love the person?I don't think it's up to us to determine the sexual orientation that would be 'suitable' for either individual. Personally, I believe humans are, in a way, pansexual. Of course it has always been in our nature for men and women to be attracted to each other in order to reproduce, but humans are also far more complex and faceted when it comes to things like emotions. When I mentioned pansexuality, I didn't literally mean it solely in the physical aspect. Rather, I was merely referring to the emotional side; the fact that humans are social creatures who seek to further connections with other humans. In these connections, sometimes love can arise, regardless of sexual orientation. At any rate, polyamory means 'multiple loves', and as far as I'm concerned love and sex aren't mutually exclusive.
I myself am devoted to one individual in the physical sense and emotionally, I have a more intense and divine spiritual connection with him in comparison to all others whom I love. This elevated connectedness makes me consider our relationship as monogamous, and the feelings are mutual between us in this regard. If we both were to come across another individual (or two) that involved this heightened affection, and it was the same for all those involved, then I would consider that as polyamorous and I would be perfectly happy with that.
I think that as long as all members of a relationship share a mutual understanding and attraction for each other, or at least mutual consensus allowing it, that should make sense and should be accepted. If skyfire says that he feels comfortable and trusts his girlfriend and her partner, it shouldn't matter who she picks.
just spread the love, man
You can't just decide to fall in love or be attracted to someone...
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Of course not. I was merely implying that it shouldn't matter if her partner is male or female so long as skyfire feels, at the very least, comfortable with the person and maintains a healthy level of trust.
Ideally, which is what I expect to happen, skyfire and his girlfriend would consider the partner together, speaking openly and freely about what would work for them. Of course, the individual in question should also be included so that all members will understand the foundation of it all. And besides, skyfire has said that he is vehemently for staying true to himself, and I think that a strong sense of personal resilience and moral compass will guide him. Knowing what's best for you is so very important. I find it very courageous for one to open their mind to new possibilities and to explore the facets of human emotion, all with a positive attitude.
I wish you the best of luck!
Well, that's all real nice..
And I don't want to single skyfire out here.. but I'm still intrigued at the concept of two individuals mutually selecting a lover.
Because I imagine it would be very rare for two people to be of the exact same mind and feeling about another person, and then share in a relationship equally.
And I don't want to single skyfire out here.. but I'm still intrigued at the concept of two individuals mutually selecting a lover.
Because I imagine it would be very rare for two people to be of the exact same mind and feeling about another person, and then share in a relationship equally.
Actually, though I don't know everything, I know quite a lot. They're extremely open people, and I'm the only family member they really trust with information, on top of that, so...
I'm sorry if that in some way bothered you? I simply wanted to share that I've observed it working out, that it's not impossible.
I don't remember ever saying that I didn't think people in a polyamorous relationship *couldn't* be happy together. But as I have already stated-- I was basically interested in the balance of power when it comes to forming such a relationship.