INFJ's And Polyamory *multiamory*

[Chessie]

I'm a polyamorous INFJ. Lemme tell you, it's not easy. I am FIERCELY dedicated to my lovers which includes an unfortunate tendency not to leave bad relationships until after they've turned into EPIC train-wrecks. Thankfully I've only had one of those.

I know polyamory isn't a simply way of life but I've found it suits me. I love mightily. I have two relationships right now (one with a boy in Michigan, the other with a woman locally). I have a few sexual partners who I meet up with once in a while. I always practice safe sex.

A lot of people believe polyamory is primarily sexual or that poly-people use their relationship structure as an excuse to sleep around.

There is a big mis-conception about poly relationships. CHEATING DOES EXIST. It is simply different from monogamous relationships. Cheating in a poly relationship involves irresponsibility or lying about who you're sleeping with. If you want to maintain a poly relationship you must not lie to anyone involved. Weirdly, poly relationships have an even lower tolerance for lying than monogamous ones.

I'm wondering if there are any other poly people out there who are INFJs? Lets hear your stories.

 

[anica]

INFJ and polyamory "mulyiamory"

I live in a polugamous relationship with my partner of 17 years and my husband of two month. We have all known each other about the same length of time, but it wasn't until ywo years ago that my friendship with my husban became romantic/sexual. My partmer gabe this relationship her gblrdding and a yeat later P moved in with my partner. A year later P and I married. if you wamt more detail, see the next to the last post in my blog "On the Sunnt Sifr og the Street."

 

[Chessie]

I think your keyboard might be malfunctioning a little...eee...Still, that sounds SO nice.

 

[Edith]

I live in a polugamous relationship with my partner of 17 years and my husband of two month. We have all known each other about the same length of time, but it wasn't until ywo years ago that my friendship with my husban became romantic/sexual. My partmer gabe this relationship her gblrdding and a yeat later P moved in with my partner. A year later P and I married. if you wamt more detail, see the next to the last post in my blog "On the Sunnt Sifr og the Street."

I've been reading this thread because I find it interesting. I'm not polyamourous myself but I am intrigued by it.

How does it work out for you?

 

[Chessie]

For the most part? Pretty quietly actually. I mean, you can't have relationships with jealous people. Flat out, jealous people are out and that comprises a huge cross section of the population.

Most people think jealousy is 'okay'. In fact they've had it hammered into their heads that it's fine. It's not a good behavior and it can hurt even the healthiest relationship, monogamous or not.

 

[Billy]

By jealousy you mean monogamous right? IMO poly relationships are typically short lived and doomed to failure.

 

[Trifoilum]

By jealousy you mean monogamous right? IMO poly relationships are typically short lived and doomed to failure.

Or rather, as Chessie said, it takes a specific type of person, with specific type of belief (one that is non-monogamous and/or non-jealous in type), with preferably specific type of sexual preferences.

Otherwise it's probably as successful as forcing a polyamorous person to commit to one person....

....granted the lines is rather jumbled for me. If two is possible, then why not 3? or 4? *sings 3* Of course the matter of it being relationship rather than sexual plays would be there, but would one in a polyamorous relationship (commonly) still have other, noncommited sexual partners? And how would that roll out? Or am I mixing polyamory with promiscuity / open relationships?

I personally abhor being in a polyamorous relationship. For one thing, there will be favorites.

 

[bickelz]

Wow, I can't even get one partner. You guys must be pretty classy in order to attract multiples.

I don't know if i could ever share someone though. It'd be like that scene in Get Him To The Greek where Jonah Hill and his GF hae a threesome with Russel Brand, i would just get jealous. I don't frown on it, as long as it is mutual and you are not cheating. We are sexual creatures and maybe acting out that sexuality with multiple people might make us happier in our relationships. Again, assuming all is fair and mutual.

 

[acd]

Have you ever struggled with being jealous, Chessie?
Is it something you had to overcome and challenge in yourself to get to where you are?

Or have you just always been open to sharing in that way?

 

[Chessie]

That's a tough question to answer actually. No, I haven't really experienced what you call 'jealousy'. The emotion is pretty foreign to me. In a functioning poly relationship there is little in the way of 'favoritism'. Yes, there are people who get more time but if the relationship is operating in a good way and someone feels neglected, they can ask for more time and should receive it.

There is a thing I've noticed about poly-people which differs vastly from monogamous people. Poly-people tend to look for validation from different places. The existence of their relationships may support them and make them happy but so-far as I can tell it isn't the source of their validation as an individual. I'm not saying it's wrong for monogamous people to validate themselves through their relationships. It's just different.

 

[Edith]

There is a thing I've noticed about poly-people which differs vastly from monogamous people. Poly-people tend to look for validation from different places. The existence of their relationships may support them and make them happy but so-far as I can tell it isn't the source of their validation as an individual. I'm not saying it's wrong for monogamous people to validate themselves through their relationships. It's just different.

Not all monogamous people seek validation through their relationships either. You're making a bit of a generalisation there, I think.

 

[Chessie]

Moreso a generalization about poly-people, less so one about monogamous people. This is more a trait I tend to see in poly-people. I know plenty of monogamous people who don't validate themselves through their relationships. I just see it more in this other demographic.

 

[Oranguh]

Ooooh~ this is so interesting
But back to this validation thing right? Could it stem from the fact that some people define love in a completely different manner? I can imagine this quite well... I mean... Love is definitely not bound to merely who you sleep with and being "together". It's more! It's about trust, understanding, respect. Which you can well possibly have without confining yourself to one partner... right?
Maybe that's why people in polygamous relationships are so hearfelt when it comes to "irresponsibility or lying", trust is simply the major pillar of the relationship. I guess.... in the end it's about what you define as love. What having a relationship means to you results in how your relationship looks like.

 

[anica]

INFJs and polyamory "multiamory"

I think your keyboard might be malfunctioning a little...eee...Still, that sounds SO nice.

Yes, it is nice, but it's not my keyboard that's malfunctioning; it's my coordination. I really have to proof my posts more until my coordination stops slipping.

Addendum: I think the success or failure of poly relationships rest on the type of peoplr involved in the relationships--just as it does in monogamous ones. My first marriage 40 years ago was an "open" one, but it couldn't survive all that fresh air and ended after about five years. Turned out my husband thought the "openness" applied only to him and he was a jealous man. My current husband has never shown any sign of jealousy. Indeed, he respects, even treasures my relationship with my partner.

 

[Chessie]

A large part of being Poly is the ability to be happy when your partner is with someone else. Polyamory is largely the ability to feel joy for someone else's joy regardless if that joy is directed at you. Empathetic joy.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I somehow can't see an INFJ in this sort of relationship.

I would be able to pull off a poly relationship in the same way I could a normal relationship if the most important common aspect of the two is maintained. That aspect is loyalty, the continuity of love between any two partners.

I think that is really the bottom line to the success of a poly relationship. People say they can't do it because of trust issues, potential for drama, the complexity of games that could be played, jealousy, etc.

The basis of any relationship are the people in it. Out of convenience, anyone could make most relationships work, but if we are true to ourselves, we would simply seek relationships that work best for us. We wouldn't teach ourselves how to take advantage of our partners to make the relationship work "me", but not "us". We wouldn't have to jump through hoops and make admirable yet ridiculous compromises. In the end, we're just learning how to play a game we don't actually have to play, though I don't oppose learning from a relationship what you can use to improve a relationship.

I believe in polyamorous relationships because I don't believe that any two people can be a perfect match. The fact is, you don't really need for it to be perfect for it to work, but obviously, the more you match, the better. Some people are more likely to have stronger matches than others. I don't think I am one of those people. I haven't felt strongly for a girl in many years. I see wonderful qualities in many different types of women, but never are there enough in just one woman. In most relationships, it feels like all there is to keeping it running is my commitment. There needs to be more than just that.

But that's not the primary reason. As awesome a person I think I am, I don't think I have enough qualities most women are looking for, so I want them to have the same right as I do to meet their needs.

 

[Chessie]

I do know a number of INFJ's who have poly relationships but the loyalty aspect is, if anything, magnified for those INFJ's I know who choose poly as their life-style. I take my commitments seriously and I look at any relationship as a commitment of import.

While INFJ's are tendant towards monogamy (I'd say it's a mix of neurotic tendencies and the need to connect VERY deeply with our partners. One night stands are simply unsatisfying in every way.) it is possible for us to find other options and make them work. I like polyamory because I have no real jealous tendencies. I tend to internalize my problems. If I have a partner who is not satisfied, I feel it's my fault and if they find satisfaction, I feel a real joy for them regardless of whether it's with me or not.

 

[NiennaLadyOfTears]

While I am happily married in a monogamous relationship, my ex boyfriend is polyamorous. I honestly did not mind when I was in the relationship with him. This was not the reason that I left him. I was going away to college and he wasn't interested in a long distance relationship.

That said, while sexually I am monogamous, I still maintain very deep emotional connections to him and my old jr. high/high school flame as well, to the point that if something were to happen to my husband, one of them would be the first person I'd turn to for my next relationship.

 

[acd]

Interesting that you present polyamory in such a transcendant light, but color monogamy as a lifestyle for the neurotic and jealous.

 

[Nixie]

Interesting that you present polyamory in such a transcendant light, but color monogamy as a lifestyle for the neurotic and jealous.

I think it is because when you engage in something that is frowned upon by general society you feel a need to overvalidate whatever it is?

I try to stay away from making definative statements. So in general, I would not feel comfortable engaging in such a lifestyle. I think fidelity is something to be valued. I could not be serious about someone who I was unable to be intimate with and I wouldn't have trust in a man who was screwing around with other people. Either way you lose; if it doesn't mean something to him or if it does...