INFJs and attachment

CoffeeShopDiva

CoffeeShopDiva

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
I have issues with attachment. I sometimes get very attached to people quickly (usually boys). Does anyone else have this issue? What do you do?

I want to still be genuine and not play games, but I also don't want to scare people away.
 
I get attached quickly too. If they are scared away then they are the types I dont want. I only want brave women.
 
I get attached to impersonal things easily and strongly - my room, my house, my office, my pen, etc.

I get attached to persons strongly, but rarely.

I get attached to animals easily - at present there is a whole troop of cats that will hang around my house (none of them are mine though). I'll only get attached to a dog if it is well trained and obedient.
 
CoffeeShopDiva said:
I have issues with attachment. I sometimes get very attached to people quickly (usually boys). Does anyone else have this issue? What do you do?

I want to still be genuine and not play games, but I also don't want to scare people away.
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Yep. And I've wondering how to change this. It's an annoying trend for me. And it tends to come across as unattractive and even "needy." So, it's something I'd like to change about myself, and it probably has quite a bit to do with confidence. I hate being pushy, and i don't want anyone to feel imposed on by me, so i'm glad I recognized this, and now i'm looking for a way to change it.
 
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I am non-infj. OKay.

You are feeling attached, this means you become dependent on boys who understand and respect your feelings. May be some other thing you life about those attractive boys. I think, if you stay neutral at the point when you become attached with them, this time try to rectify what leads you to attachment with them.

Then replace those beliefs or thoughts related to attachment and place it with detached or just safe independent thing. In future, you'll not get attached and you'll able to enjoy those fine conversations. I hope this helps.
 
Res said:
Yep. And I've wondering how to change this. It's an annoying trend for me. And it tends to come across as unattractive and even "needy." So, it's something I'd like to change about myself, and it probably has quite a bit to do with confidence. I hate being pushy, and i don't want anyone to feel imposed on by me, so i'm glad I recognized this, and now i'm looking for a way to change it.
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I don't think it has to do with confidence Res as much as Fe. I too get attached fairly easily and when I do........ I don't feel I lack in confidence (thought this may not have been the case in my past). As INFJ's we relate to people, and the world, through are feelings. My opinion is that it's a natural extension of this. I think it levels out as we get older and more balanced, we learn to relate in a variety of manners (different functions) and don't rely just on Fe. We also become more self-aware (as you have stated) of doing this and thus have somewhat better control. But it is still our preferred mode and we can still get caught up in getting too attached. Let's face it, it feels good to do so, though it may not always be healthy.
 
Questingpoet said:
I don't think it has to do with confidence Res as much as Fe. I too get attached fairly easily and when I do........ I don't feel I lack in confidence (thought this may not have been the case in my past). As INFJ's we relate to people, and the world, through are feelings. My opinion is that it's a natural extension of this. I think it levels out as we get older and more balanced, we learn to relate in a variety of manners (different functions) and don't rely just on Fe. We also become more self-aware (as you have stated) of doing this and thus have somewhat better control. But it is still our preferred mode and we can still get caught up in getting too attached. Let's face it, it feels good to do so, though it may not always be healthy.
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For me, it's not something I feel good about. It is unhealthy, and I think it is linked to less confidence. And I don't use Fe as others do. In many ways, I use Fe to create a particular atmosphere, not because it is comfortable for me. So, when I use Fe, I feel as if I'm sacrificing myself. So, I would disagree that attachment is feels good. More often than not, it feels uncomfortable and emotionally draining.

But back to topic, attachment is not healthy if you feel dependent on the attachment to get what you need emotionally. Although we do depend on others to an extent, we still need boundaries and too much attachment can create co-dependence. What feels good for us, may not feel that good to the person we're attached. So, establishing boundaries for ourselves, and respecting the boundaries of others, whatever we feel, is very important imho.
 
Questingpoet said:
I don't think it has to do with confidence Res as much as Fe. I too get attached fairly easily and when I do........ I don't feel I lack in confidence (thought this may not have been the case in my past). As INFJ's we relate to people, and the world, through are feelings. My opinion is that it's a natural extension of this. I think it levels out as we get older and more balanced, we learn to relate in a variety of manners (different functions) and don't rely just on Fe. We also become more self-aware (as you have stated) of doing this and thus have somewhat better control. But it is still our preferred mode and we can still get caught up in getting too attached. Let's face it, it feels good to do so, though it may not always be healthy.
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Thing is, I don't use Fe as others do. In many ways, I use Fe to create a particular atmosphere, not because it is comfortable for me. So, when I use Fe, I feel as if I'm sacrificing myself. So, when I get attached, it's usually because of an initial attraction or interest and a subsequent overuse of Fe. So, I disagree that attachment necessarily feels good. More often than not, it feels uncomfortable and emotionally draining, especially if it's one sided.

Attachment is not healthy if you feel dependent on the attachment to get what you need emotionally. Although we do depend on others to an extent, we still need boundaries and too much attachment can create co-dependence. What feels good for us, may not feel that good to the person we're attached. So, establishing boundaries for ourselves, and respecting the boundaries of others, whatever we feel, is very important imho.
 
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Well it can certainly be different for different people. If we are trying to find commonality amongst people, and our type in particular, it doesn't appear we are in agreement here. Perhaps it's because there is not a common, driving reason. Maybe people get attached for different reasons, depending on the peoples involved. Maybe we each get different things out of being attached (or over attached). INFJ's tend toward OCD I believe, so this is involved too I think. When we go all in, we go ALL IN.

Yes, I do agree though that we can definitely get TOO attached, and it can often be unhealthy. We need to be aware and draw boundaries if needed. I still say it can have a "feel good" allure to it. Obsession often does. Again not claiming this is healthy, just something that is present.
 
Questingpoet said:
Yes, I do agree though that we can definitely get TOO attached, and it can often be unhealthy. We need to be aware and draw boundaries if needed. I still say it can have a "feel good" allure to it. Obsession often does. Again not claiming this is healthy, just something that is present.
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It does feel good. To be flooded with good feelings. Well, it feels good until it ends or starts to scare away the other person. I tend to be clingy. And, its not a good thing.

Is the only way to stop being overly attached complete detachment?
 
i get attached quickly under the right or wrong circumstances. But you'd never know it. I get very quiet and avoidant if I think like someone too much. i tend to get over it pretty quickly though.
 
Roger, I agree. It would really be helpful to examine what about a person makes you attached to them. You have to examine it as it happens. After adhesion is complete :) there is no objectivity.

I generally become attached to everyone, including enemies, and it bugs me to no end. But trust and friendship are where I have a very high filter (probably too high) and that is how I tend to compensate. If I could adjust attachment, I could probably make a wider circle of friends. I think it would be 'healthier'.

Regardless, I've always looked upon the tendency for 20-something females to struggle against attachment as quixotic. It seems like some right of passage that I try to stay out of the way of. I don't fully understand it.
 
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Mostly people, as I do not really have any close friends. It takes me a while to warm up to others and open up but once I do it is nearly impossible for me to let go and doing so can cause great emotional pain and stress.
 
Yes, I attach to people and things very easily, it's an Fe thing I'd assume. It causes me no end to trouble when it comes to relationships. It's not so bad to merit the label "stalking", but I can get pretty obsessive at times.
 
I get attached to people, plans, and familarity. Interestingly enough though, with people I only become attached to them if is in a romantic sense. Friendship I never have the issue. I only have a few friends whom I would be hurt if they were mad at me and or vanished for some reason. In a romantic sense, I just become hooked. It is mostly because I think too much. I feel like I am not doing things fast enough, or I am going to slow, or I am going to push the person away with the tinest thing. Because I do this, it makes me think about them and focus on them a lot, and a such I become heavily attached. I also long for them to become attached to me in the same way, and I can never see if they do, so it just amplifies it.

With plans and familarity, it more comes down to I hate having the boat rocked. I become attached to what I know because I dont want to loose any kind of certainty.

It all comes down to Fe in both cases.
 
Questingpoet said:
Well it can certainly be different for different people. If we are trying to find commonality amongst people, and our type in particular, it doesn't appear we are in agreement here. Perhaps it's because there is not a common, driving reason. Maybe people get attached for different reasons, depending on the peoples involved. Maybe we each get different things out of being attached (or over attached). INFJ's tend toward OCD I believe, so this is involved too I think. When we go all in, we go ALL IN.

Yes, I do agree though that we can definitely get TOO attached, and it can often be unhealthy. We need to be aware and draw boundaries if needed. I still say it can have a "feel good" allure to it. Obsession often does. Again not claiming this is healthy, just something that is present.
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Yeah, I agree it feels good but because I know it's unhealthy, I worry about thinking about the feel good feeling too much at the expense of the neediness and dependency it creates. That feeling can be so addictive.
 
Hmm. I can get attached to someone/something very easily. In the past it's resulted in me feeling afraid that I'd be too needy/clingy... and my response has been to distance myself from what I really want. Which I think is stupid.

Lately, I've been going for what I want, not giving a rip what the other side/others around me think. The way I see it, letting the desire for approval from others dictate what you will/won't do, how you'll act/won't act is a backwards codependency. "I need so-and-so's approval more than I want ____, so I'm going to deny myself ____ to try and get their approval".

My hope is that even if I come across as clingy that people would already want to be clingy with me and we could be clingy together :D
OR that they'd just get over it.
 
I tend to take an additive approach to these things rather than try to change some fundamental part of my hard-wiring which, in the end, is not necessarily a problem at all. The problem is having only one mode, I find. In the area of attachment (should people be involved), in addition to this I might also add an awareness of the other person's basic human freedom, inherent dignity, and their unique journey in life. These are also realities and help balance any of my own sense of attachment and put it into a larger perspective. I feel what I feel...I just give myself room to feel even more.

Now when it comes to things, yes the same may apply but in a very different way....it's all about keeping things in perspective. I tend to live places for a long time, I also tend to relate to my cars and my other "likes" in this world. But here again there are larger principles to consider. One example would be the that of "grasping." We can hold on to things but, according to this construct, we should avoid making it "something to be grasped at"....in other words something that could exert more control on us than is healthy. There are lots of things like this (more then one might imagine). In the end, it is about keeping all things in perspective, enjoying them (people or things) for what they are and not making them something they are not. It's actually a kind of reality, isn't it.
 
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