Feeling unloved

Zero Angel said:
Yeah, I usually rely on escapism like music or games though to get rid of that. An artistic/creative pursuit is also useful for that. Sometimes I draw or bang around on the guitar/keyboard. Drawing is especially useful because it allows me to express abstractions that are on my mind that journaling doesnt quite catch. I think a lot of INFJs rely on creative pursuits as an emotional outlet. Sometimes though, I just feel like crap regardless of how ever much I try to escape it.

Overall, i'm stuck in the same situation as you. I think its more of the feeling of being unlovable and yet trying to love everyone at the same time -- while looking after my ego's best interests.

Generally theres 2 paths that i've always had access to throughout my life
1) The emotional path. Which is scary for me, I can never pursue this path for long without feeling vulnerable and exposed. If I tread too far down this path, my personality changes (becomes softer, more open) and I constantly worry about my sanity.
2) The non-emotional path. Where I rationalize all of my feelings and basically try to bury them. Then become wrapped up in some kind of intellectual pursuit. Feelings are constantly stored and deferred, then are released in a protected environment. I become tougher, but also meaner.

Theres advantages and disadvantages to each path. My ego likes the 2nd one, so I usually try going for it. Of course it takes a lot of energy and it prevents damage to my psyche, it also prevents growth.
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WOW, i feel exactly the same way. People ask me why im so quiet, so cold but when i open-up i feel im losing my sanity and i have to put the emotions back in the ice box to feel normal again.
 
efromm said:
I felt that way my whole life. Do yourself a favor and talk yourself out of that way of thinking. It's all in your head and you can talk yourself out of your blues. It's called self acceptance. Look upon yourself with love and you will be free. It takes practice and I am not all the way their myself. It gives me hope that maybe someday I will love myself enough to love another.
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Damn that last sentence. I really never believed people felt this way I thought I was crazy.

Sorry for double post. Just noticed multi-quote thingy LOL
 
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Thank you for beginning this post! I have been thinking long and hard about this topic as well. Sometimes, I don't have faith that there is such a person. But having met some wonderful people (my closest friends) whom I love very much, I know that there are people who are very like me in the world. Hopefully someday, someone as inspiring will be by my side.

I don't believe in "the perfect relationship" as that would mean having a robot as a loved one. No one is perfect, and in some ways, I think that is the beauty of human beings. Everyone is somehow chipped. It is true that one must remember that they must love themselves first to love others. But even so, being different creates doubts about being able to be loved.

But one thing i'm sure of, is that there are many people out there who feel the same. There are special people seeking deeper connections, meaningful memories. It takes a bit of courage, belief, and love for oneself to see that. I hope we all find that someone!
 
Don't think you're dealing with a F-type thing cause I can relate although it may manifest differently. Part of a drunken emo post in my blag a while back;

Lurker said:
Makes me think maybe I’m not cut out for love. Maybe I’m not capable of dealing with the drama it entails for me. You see for it to be real I have to fall but I allow doubts, fears and insecurities to stop me doing this every time and as such it’s never real. I know if I stop myself from letting anyone in out of fear of being let down, being considered unworthy or unlovable than I never will be. What comes first the chicken or the egg? Am I unlovable because I never let anyone in or do I not let anyone in because I’m unlovable? Rationality says its fear and not something unfixable but I dunno, add in another problem of feeling fake whenever I’m around others and maybe it really is unlovable at a deeper level cause I'm not being me.
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I just wanted to say thanks again for starting this brave thread. :m105:

I was recently rather unceremoniously dumped by my partner after about 5 years together. We had purchased a home together and had 2 wonderful little dogs. He and I had known each other since we were teenagers and I thought he was in it for the long-haul as I was. I let myself be vulnerable in a number of ways and WHAM - he decides an 18 y/old employee of his is a better match for him than I. :m198: And we had a good relationship.

I'll save ALL the dramatic details for another time. :) I'm responding because I have felt the same ways you mentioned feeling - recently and intensely.

What I've realized through the grieving I've been going through is something that I've read a few times: Nobody is going to love you more than you love yourself.

I've tried to make some (small but) positive changes in my life lately that move me in the direction of self-care rather than other-care. It sounds like you're doing the same, and that's good.

I've decided to really do a lot more self-loving and do my best to adjust expectations for relationships. We'll see how this works if and when the next one begins.

It's also been helpful for me to remind myself that it's only in retrospect that we can really know how the difficulties we experience help us grow. Without the luxury of a time machine, patience is in order.
 
Rigpa78,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us...I'm very sorry for what happened and I think I would be as devastated as you if that were to happen to me. I guess the reason why it's so hard for me to love is also because of that---i'm afraid that my love, a strong, deep love, will never be reciprocated or appreciated for its worth. The truth is, i'm frightened to love because of this.

I hope to think that there is someone who can revert that mentality from me. Perhaps there is someone who can love just as much as I do. There is something I have realized strongly today---something you have so wisely stated---"The greatest love is the love for oneself." The world is ignorant of things as beautiful as one's love. But if one were to love oneself, it would create a stronger being. It is also true, that to love another, you must first love yourself.

I hope things work out for you, and you are blessed with someone who can reciprocate that love you have. Although it is hard to love as an INFJ, because of the amount of love we can give, it is truly a gift. We bring joy...
 
yepunsarang said:
Rigpa78,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us...I'm very sorry for what happened and I think I would be as devastated as you if that were to happen to me. I guess the reason why it's so hard for me to love is also because of that---i'm afraid that my love, a strong, deep love, will never be reciprocated or appreciated for its worth. The truth is, i'm frightened to love because of this.

I hope to think that there is someone who can revert that mentality from me. Perhaps there is someone who can love just as much as I do. There is something I have realized strongly today---something you have so wisely stated---"The greatest love is the love for oneself." The world is ignorant of things as beautiful as one's love. But if one were to love oneself, it would create a stronger being. It is also true, that to love another, you must first love yourself.

I hope things work out for you, and you are blessed with someone who can reciprocate that love you have. Although it is hard to love as an INFJ, because of the amount of love we can give, it is truly a gift. We bring joy...
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Much appreciated. I hope you do find someone who loves as intensely as you love them.

Even if it's never appreciated for its worth, part of the joy (for me) is in feeling and expressing the love I have for another. I think it's far easier to express and risk being vulnerable than to not express your love at all. I don't regret loving my ex - I just need to do a better job of caring for myself while caring for others. People choose to stay in or leave relationships, and sometimes their choice to leave has more to do with themselves than the quality of the bond.
 
InnerFlame00 said:
How do you guys deal with it? Has anyone else ever had the problem where they feel they will never find someone who will love them, or feel as intensely as you do? Is this a common problem for INFJ's you think?
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OMG, yes. I constantly have this fear that I will not find my soulmate... that ONE person who understands... that one person that I seek out that I KNOW exists out there. I also get scared of not having a spiritual community. I've never really had one... it could be where I'm living (Vermont) although where I'm living now is much closer to being spirtual than where I was living before (Indiana). I am hoping that I'll find something out in Cali when I move in August.

Nevertheless, yes, I have felt this way many times. And yes, I am very intense... in all aspects of my life. Granted, I am playful in some respects... when I feel comfortable enough, but for the most part I'm intense, and I like it that way. Often times it's hard to feel understood... Please don't give up the search though... do things that inspire you and pursue your creative interests. It is my belief that the more aligned with yourself you are and your "path," the higher your chances are of finding that "person" so that you don't feel this way, or more or less, so that it's not that excruciating.

((HUG))
 
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Ah, loneliness. My faithful companion...
I've really been wondering lately if there is such a soul mate for me. God, I LONG for that, but I know it isn't time yet. I still have to learn to love myself first to have any chance at loving someone else and being loved back. I'm tempted to give up, it would be so easy. But I don't want to live alone. I need community. I need family. *sigh* It seems so far off...
 
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InnerFlame00 said:
How do you guys deal with it? Has anyone else ever had the problem where they feel they will never find someone who will love them, or feel as intensely as you do? Is this a common problem for INFJ's you think?
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Forgotten needs to get in on this,

Yooohoooo Forgotten!
 
You know, something just occurred to me.

If you love yourself, then you should never feel unloved!
 
I'll add another 'yes' vote to this question.

This is almost a unanimous and intense issue for us it seems.

I always wanted a soul mate. I've never wanted anything more. It was a need in me that I had since I was a very small child. I remember feeling it in first grade. I have spent the majority of my life trying to make myself 'lovable'. Almost all of my interest and skill stem from my need to be loved by a special person that 'gets' me. While I have always been unwilling to budge on my core values and interests, I have always been willing to change anything else.

It took me many more years to find her than I thought I could endure, but I found her and I knew it when I did because I had dreamed about her in vivid detail since I was a teenager. It turned out that she was an INFJ too. We had 5 wonderful years together. We only had 3 'fights', and they consisted of us not talking for about 30 minutes and then realizing that nothing was worth us not being together. We'd apologize and forget about it like it never happened. I had the kind of happiness I had always dreamed of. It was everything I knew it would be.

Then one day, she told me she needed some freedom before she would be ready to settle down for good. She said that she needed to experience life that way or else she would always regret it. It broke my heart but I gave it to her because she promised to come back when she was done. She also told me that she needed me to stop being such a slacker because she needed to be able to trust me to take care of both of us if something happened to her. I always managed to pay the bills with my various freelnace work, and she never had to pay for anything while she was with me unless she chose to, but I only did what I had to do and was starting to rack up credit card debts. It broke my self esteem, but I promised to make all the changes she asked of me. Her plan was for me to 'shape up' while she was having her freedom, and when I was done, she'd come back. Until then she didn't want me to contact her because she said it would make it hard for her to enjoy her freedom because she loved me so much, and might start to regret her decision. It was harsh, but I could see that I needed the motivation and I loved her enough to give her what she needed, even if it was the worst thing I could imagine for myself.

I spent the next year and a half working out, and working 4 jobs. I got myself together spiritually and even became a minister who teaches at conferences all over the nation. I lost 64 pounds, and can now pass the Federal Police Field Agent Fitness Requirement - for men 20 years younger than me. I pulled in 6 figures last year, and now have more money in the bank than I had in debt. I did all of this while so devastated that I cried nearly every day, and sometimes had panic attacks so intense that I would hyperventilate until I passed out. I mention all of this because with God's help, I was able to do the impossible. This is a testament to how far an INFJ is willing to go when the goal is their soul mate.

When I finally felt that I had proven myself and met every demand that she made, I called her. She told me that it was very inappropriate for me to do so because she was in a relationship now, that she was no longer in love with me, and that she didn't want anything to do with me ever again. Then she hung up.

I almost died. Literally. I attempted suicide a few times before I got myself to realize that no one is worth that.

I've tried to make sense of it since then, and the only thing I can come up with was that she wanted out from the beginning and didn't know how else to do it. The arrangement she offered was designed to let me down easy because she didn't think I could meet it. By trying to spare my feelings, it seems that she only served to hurt worse than anything else could have.

So, now I have regained the intense INFJ longing for someone special, but now I have no hope that I will ever find someone to fill that role because if it didn't work with her, then it just isn't possible. She was a one in a million possibility. Strangely, brilliant beautiful women are now throwing themselves at me, but none of them have what it would take to be a soul mate. None of them have what it would take to 'get me'. So, I am now an island of my own choosing, and I honestly feel that I will remain so for the rest of my life unless I let go of the possibility that there is such a thing as a soul mate, at which point, I will no longer have the motivation to live.

If it wasn't for my close network of friends, I wouldn't be typing this today. And I have realized that all that we as INFJs can really hope for is good friends, the kind who stick with us through the good times and the bad, just was we stick with them through theirs.

I wish I had a better Valentine's Day report, but I don't. If it is at all possible, figure out how to love yourselves first, and everyone else second, despite this being against everything we are. You'll save yourself a lot of pain.
 
I am honestly starting to think that I am simply used to being unloved (in a romantic sense), and don't even realise it.
 
ZenCat said:
So that would be my advice to anyone truly suffering from feeling unloved, empty or incomplete... love yourself. Build yourself; build your own world just as you want it. I honestly believe that those who are attracted to a whole, confident independent person are better for us than those we "end up with" because we're lonely.
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Exactly. Stop looking for someone else.
Instead of worrying about someone else NOT loving you, try loving yourself, building yourself up.That way, when you meet somebody, you'll be the best you ever were and in shape to start the difficult task of loving someone else and building up a relationship with that person. Falling in love is easy--staying in love takes practice.

Honestly, you don't deserve to be in love if you can't even love yourself. It's just a waste of time.
 
Von Hase said:
I'll add another 'yes' vote to this question.

This is almost a unanimous and intense issue for us it seems.

I always wanted a soul mate. I've never wanted anything more. It was a need in me that I had since I was a very small child. I remember feeling it in first grade. I have spent the majority of my life trying to make myself 'lovable'. Almost all of my interest and skill stem from my need to be loved by a special person that 'gets' me. While I have always been unwilling to budge on my core values and interests, I have always been willing to change anything else.

It took me many more years to find her than I thought I could endure, but I found her and I knew it when I did because I had dreamed about her in vivid detail since I was a teenager. It turned out that she was an INFJ too. We had 5 wonderful years together. We only had 3 'fights', and they consisted of us not talking for about 30 minutes and then realizing that nothing was worth us not being together. We'd apologize and forget about it like it never happened. I had the kind of happiness I had always dreamed of. It was everything I knew it would be.

Then one day, she told me she needed some freedom before she would be ready to settle down for good. She said that she needed to experience life that way or else she would always regret it. It broke my heart but I gave it to her because she promised to come back when she was done. She also told me that she needed me to stop being such a slacker because she needed to be able to trust me to take care of both of us if something happened to her. I always managed to pay the bills with my various freelnace work, and she never had to pay for anything while she was with me unless she chose to, but I only did what I had to do and was starting to rack up credit card debts. It broke my self esteem, but I promised to make all the changes she asked of me. Her plan was for me to 'shape up' while she was having her freedom, and when I was done, she'd come back. Until then she didn't want me to contact her because she said it would make it hard for her to enjoy her freedom because she loved me so much, and might start to regret her decision. It was harsh, but I could see that I needed the motivation and I loved her enough to give her what she needed, even if it was the worst thing I could imagine for myself.

I spent the next year and a half working out, and working 4 jobs. I got myself together spiritually and even became a minister who teaches at conferences all over the nation. I lost 64 pounds, and can now pass the Federal Police Field Agent Fitness Requirement - for men 20 years younger than me. I pulled in 6 figures last year, and now have more money in the bank than I had in debt. I did all of this while so devastated that I cried nearly every day, and sometimes had panic attacks so intense that I would hyperventilate until I passed out. I mention all of this because with God's help, I was able to do the impossible. This is a testament to how far an INFJ is willing to go when the goal is their soul mate.

When I finally felt that I had proven myself and met every demand that she made, I called her. She told me that it was very inappropriate for me to do so because she was in a relationship now, that she was no longer in love with me, and that she didn't want anything to do with me ever again. Then she hung up.

I almost died. Literally. I attempted suicide a few times before I got myself to realize that no one is worth that.

I've tried to make sense of it since then, and the only thing I can come up with was that she wanted out from the beginning and didn't know how else to do it. The arrangement she offered was designed to let me down easy because she didn't think I could meet it. By trying to spare my feelings, it seems that she only served to hurt worse than anything else could have.

So, now I have regained the intense INFJ longing for someone special, but now I have no hope that I will ever find someone to fill that role because if it didn't work with her, then it just isn't possible. She was a one in a million possibility. Strangely, brilliant beautiful women are now throwing themselves at me, but none of them have what it would take to be a soul mate. None of them have what it would take to 'get me'. So, I am now an island of my own choosing, and I honestly feel that I will remain so for the rest of my life unless I let go of the possibility that there is such a thing as a soul mate, at which point, I will no longer have the motivation to live.

If it wasn't for my close network of friends, I wouldn't be typing this today. And I have realized that all that we as INFJs can really hope for is good friends, the kind who stick with us through the good times and the bad, just was we stick with them through theirs.

I wish I had a better Valentine's Day report, but I don't. If it is at all possible, figure out how to love yourselves first, and everyone else second, despite this being against everything we are. You'll save yourself a lot of pain.
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I hate it when people beat around the bush like this, KNOWING, somewhere, somehow that it could severely HURT the person in the end. In all honesty, I find it quite selfish. I have been in this situation many times, only instead of actually making an excuse to get out of the relationship, they cheated... They would tell me that I was "too good" to/for them and didn't have the balls to make it up to me, and so they just carried on with their lives continuing to act reckless. Ha, it's funny, I still hear from these past love's and they're still onto me; yet, ironically they could never bring themselves to be with me again. Pity maybe? For my own good? I'm not sure.

But yeah, I completely relate to you wanting to change everything just to make it better... it's like sacrificing for the cause... only it's a person... and you'll go to your grave for it. It's starting to make me wonder whether we're just desperate or not? I also wonder, "What is the solution?" What is it we're seeking? I have tried analyzing this a bit here:

http://forum.infjs.com/showthread.php?p=49416#post49416
 
IndigoSensor said:
I have my mom. If I did not have her I don't think I would survive really. We have an extremely strong bond, that can not be broken. Unconditional love.

It hurt so much when it is unrecpriocated.
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I am jealous. No, really... I am envious. Ugh.
 
ZenCat said:
If it helps any, I spent virtually my whole life as you describe. Many, many failed relationships, and my first marriage failed. None lasted longer than 2 years, most never made it that long. After the last failed relationship (at that point 12 years had elapsed since my divorce), I just threw in the towel, decided to dedicate my energy toward being content with myself and my life alone. I spent a year deliberately single, working on this, and the 2nd year bought a little house in a beautiful town, and settled in with my pets to become a first class crazy cat lady.
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Do you think this is the case for many INFJ's? ....that they find someone much later in life?
 
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