Feeling unloved | INFJ Forum

Feeling unloved

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by SpoofyMcPoof, Dec 14, 2008.

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  1. SpoofyMcPoof

    SpoofyMcPoof Community Member

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    How do you guys deal with it? Has anyone else ever had the problem where they feel they will never find someone who will love them, or feel as intensely as you do? Is this a common problem for INFJ's you think?
     
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  2. Silently Honest

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    Yes. I have no advice or insight I fear.

    I do remember a quote I read once, I forgot by whom, but it was something along the lines of "Loneliness is the only disease that can be cured by putting two or more of the same case together."
     
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  3. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Addicted to Bagels

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    Yeah I kinda feel like that now. lol. I just try to focus on other things.
     
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  4. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    It's one of the top reasons listed for our failure in having long lasting relationships. I was just reading about that yesterday.
     
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  5. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Hee.

    Hon', I'm sorry for the loneliness, and it happens often enough I guess. And I'm *really* not the person to talk to about it because I'm not the success(?) story you want to hear (40, had a few loves and one major one, still single, etc).
     
    #5 arbygil, Dec 14, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2008
  6. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    Yeah, I usually rely on escapism like music or games though to get rid of that. An artistic/creative pursuit is also useful for that. Sometimes I draw or bang around on the guitar/keyboard. Drawing is especially useful because it allows me to express abstractions that are on my mind that journaling doesnt quite catch. I think a lot of INFJs rely on creative pursuits as an emotional outlet. Sometimes though, I just feel like crap regardless of how ever much I try to escape it.

    Overall, i'm stuck in the same situation as you. I think its more of the feeling of being unlovable and yet trying to love everyone at the same time -- while looking after my ego's best interests.

    Generally theres 2 paths that i've always had access to throughout my life
    1) The emotional path. Which is scary for me, I can never pursue this path for long without feeling vulnerable and exposed. If I tread too far down this path, my personality changes (becomes softer, more open) and I constantly worry about my sanity.
    2) The non-emotional path. Where I rationalize all of my feelings and basically try to bury them. Then become wrapped up in some kind of intellectual pursuit. Feelings are constantly stored and deferred, then are released in a protected environment. I become tougher, but also meaner.

    Theres advantages and disadvantages to each path. My ego likes the 2nd one, so I usually try going for it. Of course it takes a lot of energy and it prevents damage to my psyche, it also prevents growth.
     
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    #6 Zero Angel, Dec 14, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2008
  7. OP
    SpoofyMcPoof

    SpoofyMcPoof Community Member

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    Yes, I can be grateful that I at least have some friends. And you guys help some too ^-^

    I have heard this too...but surely there's a solution? Six failed relationships do tend to weigh on you heavily...

    Yes, I do this as well! I try to often take the second route with some success, however both are probably not too healthy but rather something inbetween...

    I'm kind of afraid of my emotions; they're very intense and often get me hurt so I find myself also avoiding situations in which I know I will feel...
     
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  8. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    I think our main life lesson is learning how to adjust, control and balance the level of feeling/empathy etc. in order to have a healthy life.
     
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  9. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    I have my mom. If I did not have her I don't think I would survive really. We have an extremely strong bond, that can not be broken. Unconditional love.

    It hurt so much when it is unrecpriocated.
     
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  10. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    If you're in australia, head on up to darwin and I'll love you something fierce.

    :D

    ;)
     
  11. efromm

    efromm Hiding In My Shell...
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    I felt that way my whole life. Do yourself a favor and talk yourself out of that way of thinking. It's all in your head and you can talk yourself out of your blues. It's called self acceptance. Look upon yourself with love and you will be free. It takes practice and I am not all the way their myself. It gives me hope that maybe someday I will love myself enough to love another.
     
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  12. OP
    SpoofyMcPoof

    SpoofyMcPoof Community Member

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    Aww, that's sweet and somewhat disturbing lol. :mD:

    That's good advice, and I know mindset is important - it's the getting there that can be difficult sometimes, you know? Emotions come on like a train wreck and it is sometimes hard to stop it :mno: I know what you mean though. I think mindset is probably the most important thing for an INFJ to keep in mind to try to keep our perspective. It's easy to lose perspective when overwhelmed with emotions or worried about people or something.
     
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    #12 SpoofyMcPoof, Dec 14, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2008
  13. Mux

    Mux Community Member

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    Innerflame you are Beautiful - Inside and Out, and most of us (if not all) here love you lots, because you are one of us :) Of course its not even close to being there in person with you, but at least someone is here for you 24/7 potentially.

    I know the feeling, ive had it aching away in me for years, despite having various lovers it does not help. The trick is I guess something like the qoute mentioned previously to do with loving yourself more, as cheesy as it sounds. Its HARD to find someone we can really connect with because even in person there are always boundaries and limits. If it were possible to climb inside my soulmates mind (somehow) when I find her, then much mutual bliss would ensue. Of course the separations of language , physical space, and attention are also handy. You can come to appreciate a person a lot more, when you havent been 'close' to them for a while. Not sure if im making sense, just a quick attempt for now.

    SH - Love that qoute. Its classic.
     
  14. ZenCat

    ZenCat Waving Sage

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    If it helps any, I spent virtually my whole life as you describe. Many, many failed relationships, and my first marriage failed. None lasted longer than 2 years, most never made it that long. After the last failed relationship (at that point 12 years had elapsed since my divorce), I just threw in the towel, decided to dedicate my energy toward being content with myself and my life alone. I spent a year deliberately single, working on this, and the 2nd year bought a little house in a beautiful town, and settled in with my pets to become a first class crazy cat lady.

    Not quite a year later, I accidentally met a guy online (i.e. not a dating site, just a random convergence) and we fell head over heels in love. Literally each other's one true love. I was 33 at the time, and despite an ocean between us, we got together, got married, had a child, built a life, and will celebrate our 14th anniversary next May. We are still each other's one true love.

    The committed, consistent love - body and soul - of another doesn't make all the things that make us INFJs (the good and the challenging) go away, though.

    So much of that stuff is hardwired into our brain and spirit and other people really can't set them to rights. We live so much inside ourselves, I honestly believe it's unrealistic to believe that anyone else... even a WONDERFUL person... could set our souls and minds at ease forever, just by virtue of their love for us or our's for them.

    It's a wonderful thing, but I think the most significant part of my journey was the decision to STOP looking for love, and focus on loving myself, and being a whole, complete entity unto myself, with a whole complete life that didn't have a big empty space in it, waiting for that person who would complete it. I'm not sure I would have this love if I hadn't done that part first.

    So that would be my advice to anyone truly suffering from feeling unloved, empty or incomplete... love yourself. Build yourself; build your own world just as you want it. I wouldn't focus on this part but I honestly believe that those who are attracted to a whole, confident independent person are better for us than those we "end up with" because we're lonely.

    Also, if possible, get a pet. Cats and especially dogs can go a long way toward filling that need to be needed.
     
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  15. enigma

    enigma Armed and Fabulous!

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    I completely agree. It took me until just a few weeks ago to find self acceptance, and it was a huge, huge relief. What did it for me was finding out there are others like me and there was nothing wrong with me.

    Inner Flame, if you want a success story here is mine: I have never had a lot of friends, never will. I'm ok with that. But I'm not OK alone. I need someone. I was engaged for 2 years to a guy i had been dating for a long time. I kept trying to convince myself he was right for me, but one day I just kind of woke up and realized he just wasn't it. I was devistated, called it off. 3 months later, at my best (and really, only) and closest firends wedding I met the man who is now my husband. He was also engaged at the time to an old clssmate of mine. He wasn't happy either, but i didn't know this @ the time. His fiancee wouldn't dance, so we ended up dancing... I didn't see or hear from him for several months - why would I? then one night i was home from college and he just stopped by my house, random. Had broken it off too. We started seeing each other, and he is my closest friend. We married after 5 years, have 2 gorgeous children, and love each other more every day. We have been together just shy of 11 years now, and are still infatuated with each other. I firmly believe in soul mates, and he is mine. He puts up with me, gets me, takes time to figure me out...and he is an ESTJ. There is someone out there for you too - mate, friend, what have you. You just need to be open to it when it comes. I guess i'd rather chance being hurt then miss a chance that could be something special. and i've taken my fair share of hurt.....

    I truely hope you feel better soon, and can beat it. Being lonely sux. I was lonely for over 10 years....
     
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    #15 enigma, Dec 14, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2008
  16. efromm

    efromm Hiding In My Shell...
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    Coming to this forum has helped me also. You learn that your style of thinking is normal for you. We all get down INFJ's just feel it deeper than others do at times. Having a purpose for your life is an ideal situation.
     
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  17. OP
    SpoofyMcPoof

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    Thanks - oh and since we're INFJ we can totally get into people's heads :m171: what with our "bordering on psychic" intuition.

    The success storied do help a lot ZenCat, and Enigma; it's good to hear some success stories even after going through so much trouble. I haven't had a real relationship in over a year, and I've stopped looking (focusing on my college education and getting set in a career) but the need is still there and comes up from time to time. I'm doing a lot better on the "love yourself" idea than before, and that does help a lot.

    I have four cats and a dog actually :) In fact right now I have a cat on one side of me, a dog on the other side of me, and another cat on my lap keeping me company - they can tell when people are sad and they do what they can to help...
     
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    #17 SpoofyMcPoof, Dec 14, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2008
  18. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    yeah they're good like that.
     
  19. ohmermaid

    ohmermaid Community Member

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    zencat, thank you so much for your post. honestly, it was invaluable reading that. you could say it came just at the right time!
     
  20. Seeker

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    "you must love yourself before anyone else can love you"
    I'm screwed!
     
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