[ENFP] Does she like me? Do you guys ever take a week alone time from someone you love?

[HorsesIncorporated]

Ah this is very INFJ of me to say but go on and enjoy this happiness that you feel. You will not always be in a position where you are healthy, trusting, and loving and all in all this is a good place. So, go on being yourself and act as you feel. If you want to call it love, then love as you must.

By not wearing your heart on your sleeve, I mean that be ready for the pain. One day, this will either go up in flames or something sturdy and worthwhile would grow from it. It's either that or that. That easy. Figure out the range of possibilities and if the negative outcome is something you can live with, proceed. By all means, proceed. But proceed knowing that it can very well hurt badly.

Of course, before all that, duly remind yourself of your limits because it can be very easy for us to throw our values away when we tend to get selfless and foolish in love. Know the crap you would never take and be cautious in case she ever gives any of it to you.

K
I trust her implicitly and trust that she will not willingly try to hurt me...I can count on one hand how many times I've actually felt this way in romance. With her, I act like she's wonderful (which she is) and I tell her that at least once a day because I'm like Doug from Up...I will tell someone I care about that I care about them multiple times a day...it's just how I am. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with adoration that I'll simply say her nickname and tell her how much she means to me.

I've accepted that it's going to hurt me badly. It always does. In my experience, at least.

She truly has never done anything to me that I wouldn't normally take.

 

[mintoots]

I have been in a similar situation not too long ago and my story didn't end so well. In that case, I was being vague with an INTP and I'm pretty sure our vagueness went both ways. I was unsure about him not because I didn't like him but because I wasn't sure he liked me enough and also because I was afraid my depression would only harm him more than help him. Eventually, I was able to disclose my illness to him and I unraveled but he only saw me as a friend. Maybe it was a case of bad timing or I was never that important to him but I had always known that losing him always remained a possibility. We always eventually lose the people we love in whatever circumstance, be that death in old age or tomorrow by an accident. We just can't tell when or how. In that experience I learned to just love and care as I should with no inhibitions. Even if we fell apart, I don't regret any of it because I know my sincerity for when he was still in my life. Now, I can peacefully let him go while knowing I gave it my best without sacrificing and losing the parts of myself that I value the most. Maybe someday, we will all find the love that we truly deserve but I know now for sure that that love emanates from within us and for ourselves and so it doesn't matter at all, whether or not we are never with someone we completely love. What matters is that we loved when we could. Paradoxically, moving on and letting go (being ready for it) is part of the kindness of that love.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

I have been in a similar situation not too long ago and my story didn't end so well. In that case, I was being vague with an INTP and I'm pretty sure our vagueness went both ways. I was unsure about him not because I didn't like him but because I wasn't sure he liked me enough and also because I was afraid my depression would only harm him more than help him. Eventually, I was able to disclose my illness to him and I unraveled but he only saw me as a friend. Maybe it was a case of bad timing or I was never that important to him but I had always known that losing him always remained a possibility. We always eventually lose the people we love in whatever circumstance, be that death in old age or tomorrow by an accident. We just can't tell when or how. In that experience I learned to just love and care as I should with no inhibitions. Even if we fell apart, I don't regret any of it because I know my sincerity for when he was still in my life. Now, I can peacefully let him go while knowing I gave it my best without sacrificing and losing the parts of myself that I value the most. Maybe someday, we will all find the love that we truly deserve but I know now for sure that that love emanates from within us and for ourselves and so it doesn't matter at all, whether or not we are never with someone we completely love. What matters is that we loved when we could. Paradoxically, moving on and letting go (being ready for it) is part of the kindness of that love.

I just love who I love and don't let anything stop me.

 

[mintoots]

I just love who I love and don't let anything stop me.

You let your hard limits stop you. I like to call these things the non-negotiables. For example, on my end, i highly value fidelity and being valued. I dislike dishonesty. What are the crap that you don't ever want to take and values that you never want compromised?

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

You let your hard limits stop you. I like to call these things the non-negotiables. For example, on my end, i highly value fidelity and being valued. I dislike dishonesty. What are the crap that you don't ever want to take and values that you never want compromised?

I hate being lied to, I would obviously hate being cheated on. That's about it. I don't have much.

 

[mintoots]

I hate being lied to, I would obviously hate being cheated on. That's about it. I don't have much.

Okay. Has she ever lied to you? Or cheated?

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Okay. Has she ever lied to you? Or cheated?

With cheating, we're not exclusive so it's none of my business.

Lying, once, for a reason that I understood and was willing to forgive. I told @April the situation in a PM. I'm too embarrassed to post it here because I feel like a total idiot.

 

[mintoots]

With cheating, we're not exclusive so it's none of my business.

Lying, once, for a reason that I understood and was willing to forgive. I told @April the situation in a PM. I'm too embarrassed to post it here because I feel like a total idiot.

That's okay. Do you believe you were being selfish then, thus the decision to forgive? In any case, loving is also an opportunity for growth so there are things we are supposed to forgive in order to move towards growth. I guess I'm asking what situation would you never accept from her?

I do understand the vagueness of the cheating part because yes there is no exclusivity but if she confessed to having feelings for someone else while having this intimacy with you, would you still be okay with that?

In my case, I was not. I drew the line there and that's also how I "slammed the door" on him for good.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

That's okay. Do you believe you were being selfish then, thus the decision to forgive? In any case, loving is also an opportunity for growth so there are things we are supposed to forgive in order to move towards growth. I guess I'm asking what situation would you never accept from her?

I do understand the vagueness of the cheating part because yes there is no exclusivity but if she confessed to having feelings for someone else while having this intimacy with you, would you still be okay with that?

In my case, I was not. I drew the line there and that's also how I "slammed the door" on him for good.

No, I wasn't being selfish. I honestly understood why she did it.

Also, she did tell me that one of the reasons she left for a month was she confessed for the first time in her life to someone that she liked very much (an INTP) and that he rejected her and then stopped answering her and they haven't talked since. That, along with all the other things, is why she disappeared for a month. We weren't as close/intimate then, and our intimacy obviously grew a lot after that, and it didn't bother me, because we weren't/arent exclusive. Now if she was telling me she loved me and stuff like that, then yeah, I would have a major major issue with that happening, but at the time? No.

 

[mintoots]

No, I wasn't being selfish. I honestly understood why she did it.

Also, she did tell me that one of the reasons she left for a month was she confessed for the first time in her life to someone that she liked very much (an INTP) and that he rejected her and then stopped answering her and they haven't talked since. That, along with all the other things, is why she disappeared for a month. We weren't as close/intimate then, and our intimacy obviously grew a lot after that, and it didn't bother me, because we weren't/arent exclusive. Now if she was telling me she loved me and stuff like that, then yeah, I would have a major major issue with that happening, but at the time? No.

That adds a lot of perspective as to why she is probably taking it slow. INFJs when we like tend to like intensely and it could take a while before we unlearn this. Continue to be patient with her. She is probably still figuring out what you truly mean in her life, and may even be confused.

In a way this could be unfair to you because it may seem like she is dragging you on but if you are okay with waiting, I don't suppose it should be too much of an issue but if you are in pain, tormented to say the least, then re assess if you still want this.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

That adds a lot of perspective as to why she is probably taking it slow. INFJs when we like tend to like intensely and it could take a while before we unlearn this. Continue to be patient with her. She is probably still figuring out what you truly mean in her life, and may even be confused.

In a way this could be unfair to you because it may seem like she is dragging you on but if you are okay with waiting, I don't suppose it should be too much of an issue but if you are in pain, tormented to say the least, then re assess if you still want this.

I want it more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, which I may have made clear.

 

[mintoots]

I want it more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, which I may have made clear.

To us or to her?

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

To us or to her?

To you guys, I don't think I've made it that abundantly clear to her.

Also, that wasn't me trying to be a snarky smartass...

I greatly appreciate the help.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Oh, gosh. I just found another piece of the puzzle. I didn't think of this...she told me that for a year and a half, they talked every single day...and that her mother was the only other person she talked that often with. The he hit her with a brick wall and they hadn't talked since. That would explain the long absences... honestly, that would explain a lot of this...

This was only back in May.

 

[mintoots]

To you guys, I don't think I've made it that abundantly clear to her.

Also, that wasn't me trying to be a snarky smartass...

I greatly appreciate the help.

Oh don't worry about it. I was only trying to clarify the context in your reply.

Do you wish to make it clear to her or you would rather not?

The way I see it, idealist as I am, a healthy relationship means equal investment from both ends but that's much easier said than done. If ever you turn out to be the more invested one, and she could reciprocate only to a certain degree, would you be okay with living with something like that?

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Oh don't worry about it. I was only trying to clarify the context in your reply.

Do you wish to make it clear to her or you would rather not?

The way I see it, idealist as I am, a healthy relationship means equal investment from both ends but that's much easier said than done. If ever you turn out to be the more invested one, and she could reciprocate only to a certain degree, would you be okay with living with something like that?

As long as she made it clear I was loved? Yes.

 

[mintoots]

Oh, gosh. I just found another piece of the puzzle. I didn't think of this...she told me that for a year and a half, they talked every single day...and that her mother was the only other person she talked that often with. The he hit her with a brick wall and they hadn't talked since. That would explain the long absences... honestly, that would explain a lot of this...

This was only back in May.

May is a pretty recent time. I hit the brick wall with my INTP in March and I'm still not a hundred percent okay. I mean I am willing to move on and have dated once or twice, and befriending other people but INTP is pretty much still a trigger. If i were in her position, I wouldn't want to be unfair to such an awesome dude as you.

That said, are you willing to win her love and affection?

 

[mintoots]

As long as she made it clear I was loved? Yes.

What about waiting for her figure out whether or not she is in love? How much time are you willing to invest for that?

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

May is a pretty recent time. I hit the brick wall with my INTP in March and I'm still not a hundred percent okay. I mean I am willing to move on and have dated once or twice, and befriending other people but INTP is pretty much still a trigger. If i were in her position, I wouldn't want to be unfair to such an awesome dude as you.

That said, are you willing to win her love and affection?

I am. I'm already risking heartbreak for it. I'm willing to show her in in it for the long haul if that's what she chooses.

 

[mintoots]

I am. I'm already risking heartbreak for it. I'm willing to show her in in it for the long haul if that's what she chooses.

Okay. Then be careful. Make sure to leave some love for yourself. I know love is supposed to be Christian selfless but such love has to coexist with love for self. If this love that you feel is somewhat making you love yourself less, it isn't worth it.