[ENFP] Does she like me? Do you guys ever take a week alone time from someone you love?

[HorsesIncorporated]

I'm an ENFP guy...I met an INFJ girl online and I'm crazy about her, and we've been talking for a few months now. She lives in another country but her English is almost perfect because she has a master's degree in English. I'm going to her country in September for University, and the plan (unless it has changed) is that I'm going to go visit her and she'll show me Moscow and possibly stay with me at the hotel if everything goes well when we meet...we even talked about having sex, to be completely honest with... I love her, and have never really been like this before. I think she likes me, and the signs I have are:

1. She tells me she adores me. She told me that she adores whenever I tell her I love her. She told me it would take a lot to make her stop adoring me.
2. When she was going through a rough time, she told me before she went AWOL for a month, which is fine. When she came back, the first think she said is "Missing you much. Not kidding." Usually when she goes for alone time, she tells me when she comes back how much she missed me.
3. One time, when she told me she missed me, she said "Isn't it funny how kiss is just one letter away from miss?"...I thought this might be her way of telling me things...
4. She's sent me songs that happened to be about love and said they remind me of her.
5. I made a joke about how I know my possessive pronouns in her language...Russian is very, very hard to learn for an English speaker, and she said "Mmm possessive ", obviously referring to sex, which we have talked about, and we have had intimate moments over video chat...in fact, she said I'm the only person she ever sent pictures like that to...
6. She's told me about trauma that happened to her as a child, and because INFJs are very private, I thought maybe this is a big deal.
7. Our messages to each other might as well be letters, we talk a lot, and ramble to each other.

The issue with this is that she told me she never really knows how she feels.

The second issue is we got into a discussion the other day, and she went full "detached therapist" and told me that sometimes, I come off as a spoiled, controlling brat. She told me she wasn't mad at all, and that she hoped this helped me. I was horrified...I never knew I came out looking like that.

So we go a few days without talking after that, and I message her asking if anything has changed between us, and to help give me insight into why one of my friends told me I'm an asshole sometimes, because I obviously don't want to be an asshole.

What she said is "Hey there! Nothing has changed, for sure. If you want some insight, watch Ruby Sparks. Calvin (main character) has many similar tendencies. It might help you understand why other people call you an asshole...*conversation continues normally* Then she tells me she needs some alone time". I watch the movie and I'm horrified that's how I appear to people. I spot so many of the similarities and I'm just mortified. I apologize to her and tell her I never knew that's how I came off and that I'm horrified about it. She read this message but didn't answer, which she never has really done before. She always leaves messages unread until she answers them...I answered her message where she asked for alone time because I never leave messages unanswered, really. So I reply.

I'm just scared that her detached therapist mode, and my pointing out my own character flaws might mean that any adoration or possible love she had for me is gone and done with, and that I just ruined any chance I had with her.

I'm going to give her 2 weeks and then message her. I guess I just wanted some INFJ opinions on this...

 

[sassafras]

It's never pleasant to hear negative things about yourself, especially if we are completely blindsided by the comment, but generally speaking, when you're close enough to someone and you have these kinds of heart to heart conversations, it's a positive sign that the person feels comfortable enough with you to be so honest with you. And detached therapist mode doesn't mean that the person is no longer interested either; they're simply approaching you from an analytical perspective and they trust you to take this information and process it as you need to process it.

Also, be sure to make a correction for culture too. Certain areas of Eastern Europe are notorious for being rather blunt; Moscowians in particular are known for being able to compartmentalize like this and its not meant to be taken personally. One minute you'll be having a heated and then the next, you'll be back to normal as if nothing happened.

She told me she wasn't mad at all, and that she hoped this helped me.

What she said is "Hey there! Nothing has changed, for sure. If you want some insight, watch Ruby Sparks. Calvin (main character) has many similar tendencies. It might help you understand why other people call you an asshole...*conversation continues normally* Then she tells me she needs some alone time".

I'd believe her... and I wouldn't too worried about her breaking her usual pattern. She did tell you she needs some alone time and she's been consistent in messaging you back after she's recharged her batteries in the past. Wait and see before your worry has you building mountains out of molehills in your head and assuming she's not interested anymore. When you guys get to talking again (which I'm confident will come about again), thank her for her honesty but if you'd prefer she was a bit more gentle in how she points out areas of conflict, you should speak up about that.

In the meantime, since you seem to agree that what she's pointed out to you needs work, take the opportunity to do some soul searching and tweaking of behavior. Don't let it consume you, though. All people are a balance of different traits; don't forget to celebrate your good qualities after you've done some work on addressing the ones that need work.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

It's never pleasant to hear negative things about yourself, especially if we are completely blindsided by the comment, but generally speaking, when you're close enough to someone and you have these kinds of heart to heart conversations, it's a positive sign that the person feels comfortable enough with you to be so honest with you. And detached therapist mode doesn't mean that the person is no longer interested either; they're simply approaching you from an analytical perspective and they trust you to take this information and process it as you need to process it.

Also, be sure to make a correction for culture too. Certain areas of Eastern Europe are notorious for being rather blunt; Moscowians in particular are known for being able to compartmentalize like this and its not meant to be taken personally. One minute you'll be having a heated and blunt discussion of what you need to do and why this person or that person is a nitwit, and then the next, you'll be back to normal as if nothing happened.





I'd believe her... and I wouldn't too worried about her breaking her usual pattern. She did tell you she needs some alone time and she's been consistent in messaging you back after she's recharged her batteries in the past. Wait and see before your worry has you building mountains out of molehills in your head and worrying she's not interested anymore. When you guys get to talking again (which I'm confident will come about again), thank her for her honesty but if you'd prefer she was a bit more gentle in how she points out areas of conflict, you should speak up about that.

In the meantime, since you seem to agree that what she's pointed out to you needs work, take the opportunity to do some soul searching and tweaking of behavior. Don't let it consume you, though. All people are a balance of different traits; don't forget to celebrate your good qualities after you've done some work on addressing the ones that need work.

I know...I just...I like her so much that I sit here and overthink everything and worry. This is the first time she's really been blunt with me. I appreciate her input, but I just was worried she was mad at me. I have ADHD, which usually incudes Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria -https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

 

[sassafras]

I know...I just...I like her so much that I sit here and overthink everything and worry.

I know, dear. It's hard liking someone a lot and not knowing what they could be thinking. That's a perfectly normal reaction.

How many times a week do you guys usually speak?

 

[Pin]

Wanna know if she likes you? Ask her!

Stop pussyfooting around... Unless she's into that sort of thing.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

I know, dear. It's hard liking someone a lot and not knowing what they could be thinking. That's a perfectly normal reaction.

How many times a week do you guys usually speak?

Usually, we'll talk a lot one day, maybe none the next, then a lot the next day. Or we'll talk a lot for 4 days straight then go a few days without talking.

With anyone else, this time apart would kill me because I like to talk to those I care about everyday, but with her, I accept it and am okay with it. When she tells me she misses me after not talking for a few days, it always eases the blow too.

We went a month without talking before, but she warned me she was having a really rough time and I understood

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Wanna know if she likes you? Ask her!

Stop pussyfooting around... Unless she's into that sort of thing.

I have. She said she has no idea what she feels and won't until she has me right in front of her.

Give me a bit of credit here.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I'm an ENFP guy...I met an INFJ girl online and I'm crazy about her, and we've been talking for a few months now. She lives in another country but her English is almost perfect because she has a master's degree in English. I'm going to her country in September for University, and the plan (unless it has changed) is that I'm going to go visit her and she'll show me Moscow and possibly stay with me at the hotel if everything goes well when we meet...we even talked about having sex, to be completely honest with... I love her, and have never really been like this before. I think she likes me, and the signs I have are:

1. She tells me she adores me. She told me that she adores whenever I tell her I love her. She told me it would take a lot to make her stop adoring me.
2. When she was going through a rough time, she told me before she went AWOL for a month, which is fine. When she came back, the first think she said is "Missing you much. Not kidding." Usually when she goes for alone time, she tells me when she comes back how much she missed me.
3. One time, when she told me she missed me, she said "Isn't it funny how kiss is just one letter away from miss?"...I thought this might be her way of telling me things...
4. She's sent me songs that happened to be about love and said they remind me of her.
5. I made a joke about how I know my possessive pronouns in her language...Russian is very, very hard to learn for an English speaker, and she said "Mmm possessive ", obviously referring to sex, which we have talked about, and we have had intimate moments over video chat...in fact, she said I'm the only person she ever sent pictures like that to...
6. She's told me about trauma that happened to her as a child, and because INFJs are very private, I thought maybe this is a big deal.
7. Our messages to each other might as well be letters, we talk a lot, and ramble to each other.

The issue with this is that she told me she never really knows how she feels.

The second issue is we got into a discussion the other day, and she went full "detached therapist" and told me that sometimes, I come off as a spoiled, controlling brat. She told me she wasn't mad at all, and that she hoped this helped me. I was horrified...I never knew I came out looking like that.

So we go a few days without talking after that, and I message her asking if anything has changed between us, and to help give me insight into why one of my friends told me I'm an asshole sometimes, because I obviously don't want to be an asshole.

What she said is "Hey there! Nothing has changed, for sure. If you want some insight, watch Ruby Sparks. Calvin (main character) has many similar tendencies. It might help you understand why other people call you an asshole...*conversation continues normally* Then she tells me she needs some alone time". I watch the movie and I'm horrified that's how I appear to people. I spot so many of the similarities and I'm just mortified. I apologize to her and tell her I never knew that's how I came off and that I'm horrified about it. She read this message but didn't answer, which she never has really done before. She always leaves messages unread until she answers them...I answered her message where she asked for alone time because I never leave messages unanswered, really. So I reply.

I'm just scared that her detached therapist mode, and my pointing out my own character flaws might mean that any adoration or possible love she had for me is gone and done with, and that I just ruined any chance I had with her.

I'm going to give her 2 weeks and then message her. I guess I just wanted some INFJ opinions on this...

Fuck this.

Run.

Can I ask you: do you feel disrespected in any of these interactions?

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Fuck this.

Run.

Can I ask you: do you feel disrespected in any of these interactions?

Not particularly.

 

[sassafras]

Usually, we'll talk a lot one day, maybe none the next, then a lot the next day. Or we'll talk a lot for 4 days straight then go a few days without talking.

With anyone else, this time apart would kill me because I like to talk to those I care about everyday, but with her, I accept it and am okay with it. When she tells me she misses me after not talking for a few days, it always eases the blow too.

We went a month without talking before, but she warned me she was having a really rough time and I understood

So then the main concern here is that her pointing out one of your flaws is the definitive sign of her waning feelings....and again, I'll reiterate, that I don't think so. When we care about people, we care about the whole person, warts and all.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Not particularly.

But she hasn't yet reciprocated your 'I love you'?

Do you know why she's having a rough time?

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

It's never pleasant to hear negative things about yourself, especially if we are completely blindsided by the comment, but generally speaking, when you're close enough to someone and you have these kinds of heart to heart conversations, it's a positive sign that the person feels comfortable enough with you to be so honest with you. And detached therapist mode doesn't mean that the person is no longer interested either; they're simply approaching you from an analytical perspective and they trust you to take this information and process it as you need to process it.

Also, be sure to make a correction for culture too. Certain areas of Eastern Europe are notorious for being rather blunt; Moscowians in particular are known for being able to compartmentalize like this and its not meant to be taken personally. One minute you'll be having a heated and then the next, you'll be back to normal as if nothing happened.





I'd believe her... and I wouldn't too worried about her breaking her usual pattern. She did tell you she needs some alone time and she's been consistent in messaging you back after she's recharged her batteries in the past. Wait and see before your worry has you building mountains out of molehills in your head and assuming she's not interested anymore. When you guys get to talking again (which I'm confident will come about again), thank her for her honesty but if you'd prefer she was a bit more gentle in how she points out areas of conflict, you should speak up about that.

In the meantime, since you seem to agree that what she's pointed out to you needs work, take the opportunity to do some soul searching and tweaking of behavior. Don't let it consume you, though. All people are a balance of different traits; don't forget to celebrate your good qualities after you've done some work on addressing the ones that need work.

ALSO I CANT HELP BUT POINT THIS OUT: It's Muscovites. ;D

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

But she hasn't yet reciprocated your 'I love you'?

Do you know why she's having a rough time?

I think because INFJs have a hard time seeing the future. She's told me she's thought about what it would be like with us together.

 

[sassafras]

ALSO I CANT HELP BUT POINT THIS OUT It's Muscovites. ;D

Oops! You're right! I forgot the word. lol

 

[Pin]

I have. She said she has no idea what she feels and won't until she has me right in front of her.

Give me a bit of credit here.

Dude, I'm sorry to tell you this but she doesn't sound worth the effort because she won't even give you a clear answer.

Anything other than a yes is no.

Spoiler

Move on, she's fucking with your emotions.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I think because INFJs have a hard time seeing the future. She's told me she's thought about what it would be like with us together.

Ehh... the whole thing sounds shady to me, but I'm particularly cynical about these things.

Again, do you know why she's having a hard time, or why she disappears?

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Dude, I'm sorry to tell you this but she doesn't sound worth the effort because she won't even give you a clear answer.

Anything other than a yes is no.

Spoiler

Move on, she's fucking with your emotions.

Yup.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Ehh... the whole thing sounds shady to me, but I'm particularly cynical about these things.

Again, do you know why she's having a hard time, or why she disappears?

I was told disappearing is pretty damn normal for an INFJ. Also, she's dealing with a lot in her life.

I'm not one to easily give up on things, idealist after all. I've been hurt emotionally dozens of times and it will happen dozens of more times before I meet the person who will love me the way I'm able to love them. It's just how it works.

Also, I'll wait to see what an INFJ chimes in and says on the subject ;D

 

[sassafras]

Honestly, these two are on the right track in that they're actually going to see each other in September when OP moves to Moscow for school. And it isn't that crazy (at least to me) that someone might be more cautious with declaring such deep and involving feelings for someone they've never met in person.They might hit it off and they might not and people move at different speeds. It's not like she's being shady and refusing to acknowledge his feelings. She is expressing that she does care and she misses him. As long as both persons in the relationship continue to be honest with each other and communicate clearly (which it seems like they're doing), I don't see why anyone is encouraging OP to pull the plug. He's got less than two months to go and, for weal or for woe, he'll know where the relationship is heading.

No need to panic prematurely.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Honestly, these two are on the right track in that they're actually going to see each other in September when OP moves to Moscow for school. And it isn't that crazy (at least to me) that someone might be more cautious with declaring such deep and involving feelings for someone they've never met in person before.They might hit it off and they might not and people move at different speeds. As long as both persons in the relationship continue to be honest with each other and communicate clearly (which it seems like they're doing), I don't see why anyone is encouraging OP to pull the plug. He's got less than two months to go and, for weal or for woe, he'll know where the relationship is heading.

Are you an INFJ?

Also, I've told her I love her, but I think I'm a bit more open and jump head first into things.