Do you forgive & Forget? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Do you forgive & Forget?

I forgive people far too easily. I always give everyone the benifit of the doubt. Besides, people can change.

I must make a distinction though. If I begin to dislike someone, then I will disassociate from them and push them out of my life. Not so much because they did me wrong or something, but I just don't care for them anymore. I won't hold a grudge or anything like that, it is impossible for me to do so. I just won't like them.
 
depends on the situation, if its mere carelessness then I can forgive the person. I have a hard time forgiving people with double standards or people that are manipulative and use others. It all depends on the intention of the other person, I look at their intention rather than the act itself.
 
It takes a long time to earn my trust. But, if its broken there's no repairing it.
 
I forgive, but I rarely forget. I learn from other's mistakes as well as my own. I don't dwell - mostly - but I don't forget.
 
I sometimes forget depending on the importance of it, but I rarely forgive. (Unless maybe they admit how wrong they were, and how totally right I was.. and then do a dance of shame for good measure. )
 
Forgive yes, all the time. Forget, never.
 
bijo said:
depends on the situation, if its mere carelessness then I can forgive the person. I have a hard time forgiving people with double standards or people that are manipulative and use others. It all depends on the intention of the other person, I look at their intention rather than the act itself.
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This
 
I have just recently figured that I can only forgive when someone asks for my forgiveness. Even more so, I can't forgive until I understand WHY the thing happened. Does that make sense? I've said, "I forgive [this person]" in my heart dozens of times because I know it's the right thing to do.. but it doesn't feel like I've forgiven.


For example, I can't forgive my dad for being violent when I was a kid because he acts as if it never happened... If he asked for forgiveness, acknowledged what he did and at least attempted to give some explanation of what was going on inside his head.. I might be able to forgive him.

It's easy to tell someone "I forgive you." Forgiveness is cliched and platitudinous...It's not just a word you throw around and expect yourself to live up to. It's a very very difficult thing to bring yourself to to, and it takes even more than an act of will.


I never forget, and I rarely forgive.. unless I can understand the motive.
 
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forgive, yes. forgetting really depends on the offense, and how much else i have to think about.
 
acd said:
I have just recently figured that I can only forgive when someone asks for my forgiveness. Even more so, I can't forgive until I understand WHY the thing happened. Does that make sense? I've said, "I forgive [this person]" in my heart dozens of times because I know it's the right thing to do.. but it doesn't feel like I've forgiven.


For example, I can't forgive my dad for being violent when I was a kid because he acts as if it never happened... If he asked for forgiveness, acknowledged what he did and at least attempted to give some explanation of what was going on inside his head.. I might be able to forgive him.

It's easy to tell someone "I forgive you." Forgiveness is cliched and platitudinous...It's not just a word you throw around and expect yourself to live up to. It's a very very difficult thing to bring yourself to to, and it takes even more than an act of will.


I never forget, and I rarely forgive.. unless I can understand the motive.
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This is really good, and I believe that I am in a way like this too. The thing is with me though, there are so few people (if any) that have truly crossed me, that would have me in a state where I have not forgiven them. There are only two people who I question if I have forgiven them for some things, my father, and my ex (who ironicly enough, are quite similar in some ways).

My father for being emotionally abusive and over-athoratative when I was little. I do not hold any anger, resentment, or hatred towards him for this. However, part of me is still "distressed" that he has never addressed or really spoken about how he has treated me. What it really comes down to is he is not able to wrap his brain around it all nor understand it. It is beyond his capacity. In that way, it sort of dissapoints me that he will never "get it" and hence part of me has in a way forgone forgiveness for all of this. I still speak to him of course, and I do not treat him badly in any way, but I can safely say if he were to vanish from my life, I would likely not be upset.

My ex is similar in that he will never understand or get what he has done. I have to put the majority of the blame on myself for how I went about it when I met him. However, he does not have the capaicty to understand how he did hurt me. His nature is very much like my fathers where he is just non emotional and has no moral ground (only ethical, and that is lacking a bit too anyway). As such just doesn't understand how I could be hurt, and never will. Because of that I have cut him totally out of my life. For the reason that it will only harm me because I was hurt so much. I hold no ill feelings to him. The strongest feeling that I have is that I so wish he was a different person, but that is impossible. So it is something I can not control. In a sense this has caused me to not want to "forgive him" even though I have no resentment, only sadness.

I wonder if I am just incapable of feeling any kind of hot-negitive emotions towards another living person (what I mean by hot-negitive, is stuff like anger, rage, resentment, vengefullness, ect.). It could be because I try to sort out the reasons, motives, and all things related to why a person does what they do. Since I realise all of this, it leads to a form of empathy. Empathy will in most cases cause forgiveness to form, because it is a form of understanding, and understanding is needed for forgiveness. In cases though, where I can empathize to understand, but the other party is unable to (it is beyond what is possible), a sort of blocked-unforgivenness forms.

/utterstreamofconciousness
 
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I forgive. And I don't usually forget what happened, but I do forget the associated emotions.


Life's too short to waste it wading in crap.



ADD: If I don't like someone, I don't like them. It has nothing to do with forgiving them or feeling wronged somehow. I could easily like someone in the future, even if I dislike them now.

BUT: For instance, if I were in a relationship and the person cheated or hit me or tried to dominate me or something else, I'd leave immediately. ... Because I won't be treated that way. But that's only about a level of treatment I will accept ... I'd leave and forgive them.

TO BE HONEST: I find the whole "forgiveness" question to be a bit silly. Do you need to forgive a hurricane for destroying your house? People are doing the best they can, and the best they can is often going to interfere with the best you can and then there's going to be a mess. It almost seems to imply that the hurricane chose you specifically and therefore needs to apologize to you specifically. I don't need anyone to apologize to me. I only need them to change their behavior if we're going to keep being involved.
 
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Someone once wrote, " To forgive is human; to forget, divine."

As we are all human, we do have that capability to forgive.

I try to forgive the wrongdoings, judging them as mere human frailties. That does not mean I will start buddying up with them afterwards.

Hate to admit it, but truth is I have forgiven things done to me and tried to forget the person or persons that have committed such heinous acts, though they be few and far apart. Cannot remember those people's ever offering their sorrow and asking forgiveness, either. Same people I have just learned to stay my distance from. I can be polite and courteous should we meet somewhere by accident because of my forgiving, but will go my own way until I see a true sign of sorrow. I may even try to forget something if everything falls into place properly.

I have found the hardest to forgive AND forget to be my own self. Forgetting may have me to miss a life lesson much needed.
 
IndigoSensor said:
I forgive people far too easily. I always give everyone the benifit of the doubt. Besides, people can change.

I must make a distinction though. If I begin to dislike someone, then I will disassociate from them and push them out of my life. Not so much because they did me wrong or something, but I just don't care for them anymore. I won't hold a grudge or anything like that, it is impossible for me to do so. I just won't like them.
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I'm, like this.. Allways forgive, and forget (sometimes it takes time, but eventually I do it). On the other hand, there're people whose trust I lost or they did something I can't possible agree with so I distance from them completely or how much is possible.
 
I'll also echo a lot of what was said here:

I want to forgive, as a natural reaction, but as years go by and more people treat me like crap, the more I purposefully refuse to forgive. So many people do not deserve it, even if they couldn't care either way.

I could forget if just they memory got "overwritten" in my brain through passage of time or worse stuff happening, but I try not to. Forgetting it is just asking for the same things to happen to me all over again. I have to remember who and what kind of people betrayed or abused me.

With all this "recorded history" of slights and abuse though, I have become super untrusting and prone to rage. If I have someone I trusted for months betrays me, the idea of destroying the entire world comes to mind. The older I get the angrier I get. I hate injustice and cannot forgive it.

However: if I love someone very much, I will truly forgive them even if they piss me off a little bit every day. I will let my buried nature come out for them, ill-advised or not. Love makes you a fool, but a happy one.

I have a similar situation with an old friend as he does with his ex, in some ways. He was a very close friend, but he hurt me very badly and doesn't understand why, nor want to discuss and acknowledge it. For that I can't forgive him, but I could forget. I really miss him though.
 
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I neither forgive or forget. I believe a person's behaviour should be remembered - the good, the bad, and the neutral - and I build up a profile of a person's character in my memory. It's important also to understand the motives behind the actions of others. Such as if a situation had good intentions, or was done in the spirit of damage limitation.

But if the trend is that a person is bringing more negativity than positivity, or causing me more suffering than I'm prepared to tolerate, then I'll grow cold to them.

Forgiveness is a strange concept to me. It's like trying to transplant a negative emotion towards a person with a more positive emotion, which seems inherently inauthentic; the negative emotion would be there for a good reason. If it is to change, it will change in the same time it takes for the person to redeem themselves.
 
I usually forgive (at least eventually), but I NEVER forget. If someone screws me over or plays mind games with me behind my back, I won't necessarily hold a grudge against that person, but I could never trust that person like I used to again, and will act accordingly.

The only thing that will definitely make me blacklist a person forever is if (s)he does something very malicious and premeditated, either to me or someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. It doesn't matter WHO they are; if that happens, they are gone. The rest depends on the person, the circumstances, the offense, and the big picture behind it all.
 
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So if it makes sense: I don't forget, but I learn to live with who you are, if you're important enough to me to do so.
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completely agree with this. i think grudges don't so much hold the person back who did you wrong, but more so they hold you back. forgiveness is more about letting yourself move on
 
acd said:
I have just recently figured that I can only forgive when someone asks for my forgiveness. Even more so, I can't forgive until I understand WHY the thing happened. Does that make sense? I've said, "I forgive [this person]" in my heart dozens of times because I know it's the right thing to do.. but it doesn't feel like I've forgiven.


For example, I can't forgive my dad for being violent when I was a kid because he acts as if it never happened... If he asked for forgiveness, acknowledged what he did and at least attempted to give some explanation of what was going on inside his head.. I might be able to forgive him.

It's easy to tell someone "I forgive you." Forgiveness is cliched and platitudinous...It's not just a word you throw around and expect yourself to live up to. It's a very very difficult thing to bring yourself to to, and it takes even more than an act of will.


I never forget, and I rarely forgive.. unless I can understand the motive.
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I can very much understand what you're saying. When it comes to forgiving it definitely helps me to be able to understand the motive. But honestly, I always find the motive. It might not be something I agree with, but I usually understand why people have acted a certain way, or can come to some terms with it if given all the facts. So I do forgive. I forgive because I know people are human and they make mistakes. We all make our own mistakes. I can usually get it.

Oh, but to forget. That is a different story. Somethings, even if I did really make the effort to try to forget I just cant see myself ever forgetting. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Mistakes can provide lessons, even if they weren't our mistakes. And, it's in the lessons that we grow.

So do I forgive? Often. Forget? Hardly ever.
 
I forgive if I feel the apology was sincere and then usually only once I have cooled off. If only more apologies were sincere though. I forget only if it was insignificant and or obviously not intentional otherwise no I am not able to forget.
 
bagelriffic said:
completely agree with this. i think grudges don't so much hold the person back who did you wrong, but more so they hold you back. forgiveness is more about letting yourself move on
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Now it isn't that psychological for me. Not forgiving somebody is effortless. It isn't an emotional burden. It doesn't hold me back in any way. It's a judgement of who isn't worthy of my affection/time/energy, and deciding that I'm no way eager to reverse that judgement.

By staying true to that attitude I can reliably cut wrongdoers out of my life, which for me is a more realistic way of finding happiness. Forgiving is more analogous to being a glutton for punishment.
 
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