If you met someone of your preferred gender who was very much like you, would you probably be attracted to them?
I might be, but it's not necessary and in some cases it might be a turn-off (this is explained more at the end of the post). I need for us to be compatible in certain ways that are important, but I will find them more interesting if being with them means stepping into a different kind of world for me. Case in point, I'm typically attracted to SPs and NTs, both categories of types which I'm not.
What types of similarities do you think make a relationship compatible? incompatible?
(Either for you, or in general, though I think in general it'll depend on the person.)
There are certain qualities that I think make people more successful in relationships: maturity, self/other awareness, empathy, openness/willingness to consider and honour their partner's needs, willingness to compromise, an ability and willingness to communicate their own thoughts/needs and to communicate in general, being in the relationship because you want to be not because you're looking for someone to take care of your needs, and so on.
But I think people also have to be on the same wavelength, or a very similar one. I think this is extremely important. Being on different wavelengths, whether emotionally, intellectually, or otherwise, can lead to a lot of disconnect and problems within a relationship - in some ways, it's like you're inhabiting two different worlds or speaking very different languages, and it can result in a ton of frustration. Other important factors include both partners wanting the same thing from the relationship (and thus sharing motivations for the relationship), a certain compatibility in lifestyles - current or desired - and by this I don't only mean money but things like travel, stability, security, socializing, hosting, the decision around kids, shared activities, sex life, and so forth. That ties in with general compatibility and communication, both of which go a long way.
In addition, we all have needs and expectations. It's unrealistic to expect our partner to meet them perfectly or for us to meet theirs perfectly, but we enter into relationships with the hope that the really important ones will be met. When we can recognize what those needs are, what our wounds are, what we need to meet for ourselves, what we actually want, what our partner is capable of and whether we're willing to accept that or not, part of the work of being in a relationship is already done. I mean, it's an ongoing process and we will more than likely readjust beliefs along the way and need to compromise, but yeah.
Are there definitely ways in which you would not want to be similar?
Sure. This kind of goes along with the first question. Some of the reasons I might be attracted to someone is because they're unlike me in certain ways. I like that we both bring various qualities to the relationship and bring out certain qualities in each other. Naturally, I also don't want my partner to possess many of the qualities which I consider vices within myself and am working on or want to eliminate. Similarly, I might be attracted to qualities in a partner that I enjoy but don't possess myself. For example, I tend to feel comfortable around people who are more relaxed and easy-going than I am, and I usually gravitate toward them and away from people who are more, or as, high-strung than I.