What is the right way to love? | INFJ Forum

What is the right way to love?

Satya

Satya

C'est la vie
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May 11, 2008
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There seems to be many different ways that people express love. Some may do so by buying things for their loved ones. Others do so by saying "I love you" and giving hugs and kisses. Others show love by telling people what they are doing wrong in their lives. There is probably an infinite number of ways that people show love. Is there a right way? Is there a wrong way?
 
I would tend to measure the "right" or "wrong" way based on the effect. Ultimately loving someone is having their best interest at heart, and so the application of a loving intent needs to be strongly based on what that person will interpret as being loved.

For my own ideals, I try to take good care of everyone I love by making sure they have their gummy bear vitamins, or a hot cup of tea when tired. I want people to feel more at peace and stronger being in my presence. I want to see them the way they need to see themselves, but might not have the courage. I also try to listen and not judge them, but have respect that they are the master of their own life and they are basing their choices on trillions of nuanced bits of information outside my grasp. If they make the wrong choice, I want to be the last person on earth to say "I told you so".
 
I think communication and honesty are two steps to loving someone right. Trust in someone and allowing someone to see you is a very loving action. It will always depend on the person and also if the two loving styles match.

I married a guy who thought me cleaning for him was love. I dated another man who bought me things all the time. Both were not what I viewed as love and I removed myself from those relationships. Someone who wants to spend time with me talking and doing things, someone who can teach me new things and I teach them new things is more what love means to me.

It is personal, but it all starts off the same way, I think.
 
I was looking through some of old stuff I had written, and came across this entry. It reminded me a bit of this thread so I thought I'd post it here. I agree with Julia that when I love someone I try to bring peace to their lives. When it comes to love I try to be a doer, but I also try to anticipate the needs of the person I love and sometimes it means having to verbally communicate how I feel, because some people don't take hints very well. I believe that when you love someone you love them enough to take the time and get to know them. Not who you want them to be, but who they are, and you love them for it. Anyway this is what I wrote :



It is often said that the words "I love you" are thrown around in conversations too much, but I can't help but wonder if perhaps the real thing isn't said enough. Not just in words obviously, they should always be spoken in action, but not everybody expresses things the same. Some people have such a hard time showing their emotions and many keep them bottled up to protect themselves. I get that. I am an introvert by nature but I am lucky enough to have the ability to express myself. I know for most introverts that's not the case. But love, real love should be shared and spoken. It's not selfish and doesn't think about hurt. It just is.. Real. And not enough people know that they are loved by the people that love them, truly love them flaws and all. I just think that everyone should know about all the selfless love in their lives. They should know about all of the wonderful, genuine, caring thoughts that are constantly sent their way. Too often we see the negativity, the rejection, and feel the pain, there just isn't enough awareness of love. The thing is that tomorrow is promised to no one and personally that's an eye opening revelation. To me, this should be a mantra to everyone from the moment they wake up each day. Why return to the dust that we came from without the people that we care the most about knowing? So maybe they don't feel the same? Will that really affect your love for this person? If so, was your love ever real? Because love, well love is unending. And when I say it, all the times that I've said it, I've absolutely meant it. It's overwhelming really, never ceasing to love, always caring. It's a vulnerable position and it brings unbelievable heartache, but its real, and it's living, and it's worth it. Perhaps the people that you love have moved on and you don't get to be together like you'd like, or anymore, but you keep hoping and praying for the best to happen to them, because that is the way that love goes. So say it, mean it, give it a chance to overwhelm you. If you embrace it and then give it away, you'll be glad you did.

With more love than you know,
JD.
"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:1-8


And just to elaborate on one other thing. At the end there when it says Love never fails. I think this can often be misinterpreted as meaning if you love someone and keep loving them, then they will eventually love you in return. But that's not the case. I believe what this means is that if you love, it wont bring you what you want from someone else, but it will bring you internal peace. Your love, will not fail you. (Did any of this make sense)


 
Nope. Right/Wrong are tailored for each individual.
 
Yes, there is a right way to love.

Wholeheartedly
 
The sweet, baby makin' kind of love is the only way. *cue Barry White music*

No, but seriously? The only way I know to love is to cease the thought of being a separate being with this person, and allow myself, flaws and all, to spiritually surrender to this person (and them to me) as we are both one in the Universe.
 
Chopsifer said:
No, but seriously? The only way I know to love is to cease the thought of being a separate being with this person, and allow myself, flaws and all, to spiritually surrender to this person (and them to me) as we are both one in the Universe.
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And then society comes out swinging the "codependent" label at you and saying you're doing it wrong.

Go figure.
 
I feel there are many "right" ways to show love, as well as there could be many "wrong" ways to show love. I also feel people are constantly learning how to show love. Some ways may get better results from certain individuals, while other ways may not get the best results. Hence, people learn each other. Individualities ........some are romantics while some are not.
 
Satya said:
There seems to be many different ways that people express love. Some may do so by buying things for their loved ones. Others do so by saying "I love you" and giving hugs and kisses. Others show love by telling people what they are doing wrong in their lives. There is probably an infinite number of ways that people show love. Is there a right way? Is there a wrong way?
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From a parents point of view I can tell you that loving your kids is the hardest experience of my life. Having to punish them sucks and when you get older you realize that it has to be done. I have to love them enough to save them from themselves at times. I have found that Love is a balance and at times you need tough love and other times you need soft love. It is a difficult thing to balance. And you never really know if anyone ever really loves you...
 
'Wholeheartedly' for sure. There is nothing worse than restrained love, hedged love. It's dishonest (and therefore not love?), and comes from a place of fear (legitimate fear, but fear nonetheless). I mean really, if love is hesitant, then what's the point?
 
When you are able to give the other absolute freedom, and you find that you aren't interested in manipulating their behavior etc. to make you feel good about yourself.
 
Satya said:
There seems to be many different ways that people express love. Some may do so by buying things for their loved ones. Others do so by saying "I love you" and giving hugs and kisses. Others show love by telling people what they are doing wrong in their lives. There is probably an infinite number of ways that people show love. Is there a right way? Is there a wrong way?
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Two ways I love other people (unconventional):

1. I don't get involved with them, because knowing myself I will probably let them down or neglect them if we become close.

2. I want other people will be happier than I'll ever be. I guess I admire the goodness of other people - goodness that I don't/can't see in myself.

Yep, these seem odd to me, but that the way things are with me.
 
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I think the wrong way to love is rape.


In all seriousness, I think the right way to love is if you're true to both yourself and your partner. I personally have never believed in love at first sight (maybe "highly like" at first sight). I think there needs to be some kind of connection that is hard to explain with words. Some kind of an almost spiritual bond with a person, that lets you know and believe that they love you. That is what love is for me. It's knowing, trusting, feeling, and believing that the love you have for them is equal or greater to the love the have for you, but never less.

Of course, not everyone will feel a connection of this kind. I suppose that just means people are different, not worse off or wrong, just different.


All in all, when you're truly in love, it's not something you need to question.
 
passionately,honestly and as mentioned above wholeheartedly :)
 
The wrong way: hurting the one you supposedly love. I was hurt physically and emotionally and was controlled by my ex-fiance. He preyed on me while I was dealing with major depression and suicidal thoughts. My husband's ex-wife constatly hurt him. She created drama where there wasn't any. She lied about him and cheated on him. Those are sure ways to love someone the wrong way. In the end, it's clear that neither of those people loved us, really.

Right ways: Trusting them, giving yourself up wholly to them, putting them before yourself. Those are strictly for spouses and children, though. Think of them, pray for them, be there for them when it really counts. Don't let them hurt themselves or anyone else. There are so many ways to love someone the "right" way. Just remember that love is completely without malice. If you ever see malice, there is no love there.

And say "I love you" more and mean it each time. As someone that failed to say it the last time they saw a loved one, you will live the rest of your life wishing you had.
 
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