Unhealthy INFJ

[jade]

I am too shy and have social anxiety. I know it's something that's unreasonable but that doesn't register when I'm faced with it. I understand the mall thing that you guys mentioned completely. I hate going to malls! I don't want anyone to glance in my direction and I don't want to be in this conglomerate of random people who are all probably trying to impress each other via looks or something. I should be more outgoing. It is unhealthy.

I get too emotional too, especially if stressed out (busy exam week..death..) and if I try to keep it in, ouch. Movies (even things like Disney) and drama upset me more than they should because I FEEL what the character is feeling. This is so annoying and can be -embarrassing- if it's supposed to be happy but I feel the character overwhelmed with that emotion. Likewise, I can get depressed over things, particularly in the winter, really easily. ._. Unhealthy!

 

[Appoggiatura]

one of my flaws that has been causing me a great deal of trouble and unnecessary stress throughout my life is my oversensitivity.
when i'm under that kind of stress, which i bring upon myself, i either retreat and bottle up all my negative emotions or i act out, acting really bitingly sarcastic and calloused to the next unfortunate person who comes across my path.

 

[Pristinegirl]

one of my flaws that has been causing me a great deal of trouble and unnecessary stress throughout my life is my oversensitivity.
when i'm under that kind of stress, which i bring upon myself, i either retreat and bottle up all my negative emotions or i act out, acting really bitingly sarcastic and calloused to the next unfortunate person who comes across my path.

I am a hypersensitive person as well. I may come across something in school and I'll act as if everything is fine, and keep smiling. Although the one who unfortunately has to take my sarcasm and pessimism is my mother, when I get home.

 

[Zero Angel]

Generally the worst INFJ traits one could have are:

- Judgemental of everyone
- Hypocritical -- has a stated value system upon which he may judge others, but does not follow it.
- Manipulative of others (everything has an alterior motive)
- Plays the victim role a lot
- Way way way touchy, ready to go on the offensive at any time
- Muted. Nothering comes out.
- Overly subjective. Makes predictions about people, but a lot of them are polluted by the INFJ's emotional state.
- Too people pleasing. This extends beyond the INFJs wish for the greater good (health and happiness for all) and is simply done because the INFJ doesnt want to anger anyone -- therefore he will become locked into pleasing the wrong people. This contributes to the INFJs negative state.
- Fearful. Is ineffective because he cannot take action out of fear of rocking the boat. May also incite anxiety in others due to his own anxious state.
- Egotistical. Takes offense at anything which may threaten said INFJ's ego (such accepting another persons help because it will make the INFJ feel inferior)

A great deal of these are traits that I have observed in myself and my father when we are undergoing any kind of emotional bullshit -- as well as some are extrapolated from other sources.

Some of the passive unhealthy traits do not manifest in the more assertive INFJs, and some of the judgemental traits do not manifest themselves in the more passive ones. But this is generally the spectrum I've noticed.

 

[v.shadow]

I understand the mall thing that you guys mentioned completely. I hate going to malls! I don't want anyone to glance in my direction and I don't want to be in this conglomerate of random people who are all probably trying to impress each other via looks or something.

aaww, unlike all of you unsociable people (lol. the hermit's talking!), I like going to the mall (maybe it's cause I always can make fun of the people around me. I don't know, they let my spontaneity flow, like I feel I can do whatever the hell I want. everything's okay as long as there's noone I know)

Generally the worst INFJ traits one could have are:

- Judgemental of everyone
- Hypocritical -- has a stated value system upon which he may judge others, but does not follow it.
- Manipulative of others (everything has an alterior motive)
- Plays the victim role a lot
- Way way way touchy, ready to go on the offensive at any time
- Muted. Nothering comes out.
- Overly subjective. Makes predictions about people, but a lot of them are polluted by the INFJ's emotional state.
- Too people pleasing. This extends beyond the INFJs wish for the greater good (health and happiness for all) and is simply done because the INFJ doesnt want to anger anyone -- therefore he will become locked into pleasing the wrong people. This contributes to the INFJs negative state.
- Fearful. Is ineffective because he cannot take action out of fear of rocking the boat. May also incite anxiety in others due to his own anxious state.
- Egotistical. Takes offense at anything which may threaten said INFJ's ego (such accepting another persons help because it will make the INFJ feel inferior)

this confirms again my "unhealthy" state. (also, I have avoidant personality disorder, so I think that contributes to it all)

 

[Pristinegirl]

Dearest beloved ones I have a question and maybe it is not even an INFJ type of thing but I feel I need to ask. Maybe I am crazy but it commonly happens when I'm at the edge of falling of a clip (deeply depressed).

Whenever you feel down/sad/needy/depressed (those nature states) do you imagine: self mutilating acts like ingesting excessive pills or injecting e.g. heroin. Like to numb the feelings. Sort of handing yourself over to the bad side because you don't have power to fight to stay on the good side.
Maybe some even take action on these.

Any response would be highly appreciated

 

[Zero Angel]

You mean like self destructiveness? Umm yeah, its not a great place to be and really hard to get yourself out of. Most addicts of sorts are self destructive because they rely on something to save them. If you have painful feelings than talk with someone (in real life, not just online) before you start to do something self-destructive -- because it's often a very tough habit to break.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Dearest beloved ones I have a question and maybe it is not even an INFJ type of thing but I feel I need to ask. Maybe I am crazy but it commonly happens when I'm at the edge of falling of a clip (deeply depressed).

Whenever you feel down/sad/needy/depressed (those nature states) do you imagine: self mutilating acts like ingesting excessive pills or injecting e.g. heroin. Like to numb the feelings. Sort of handing yourself over to the bad side because you don't have power to fight to stay on the good side.
Maybe some even take action on these.

Any response would be highly appreciated

I replay the past and forcast the future in my mind to the point of tears. (too much thinking). I sometimes think of damaging acts, but it isnt the common theme for me.

 

[Pristinegirl]

You mean like self destructiveness? Umm yeah, its not a great place to be and really hard to get yourself out of. Most addicts of sorts are self destructive because they rely on something to save them. If you have painful feelings than talk with someone (in real life, not just online) before you start to do something self-destructive -- because it's often a very tough habit to break.

Yes this is what I mean, and when one reaches the point of imagining it, then it is not a pretty place but rather near the bottom. I have never tried neither and I wouldnt actually take heroin or a bottle of aspirin.
Still, I believe I have an addictive personality.

Hence, I actually have had several dreams of being stung and with a needle of heroin injected into me, against my will making me completely sedated and opressed. Although I can never seem to point at what they exactly mean. Furthermore, I talk to a therapist and I have got friends, sometimes I worry about stigma though which can make it nice to have someone to tell online too

I replay the past and forcast the future in my mind to the point of tears. (too much thinking). I sometimes think of damaging acts, but it isnt the common theme for me.

I have the tendency to replay things this way too. Too much thinking haha.

 

[Milon]

Generally the worst INFJ traits one could have are:

- Judgemental of everyone
- Hypocritical -- has a stated value system upon which he may judge others, but does not follow it.
- Manipulative of others (everything has an alterior motive)
- Plays the victim role a lot
- Way way way touchy, ready to go on the offensive at any time
- Muted. Nothering comes out.
- Overly subjective. Makes predictions about people, but a lot of them are polluted by the INFJ's emotional state.
- Too people pleasing. This extends beyond the INFJs wish for the greater good (health and happiness for all) and is simply done because the INFJ doesnt want to anger anyone -- therefore he will become locked into pleasing the wrong people. This contributes to the INFJs negative state.
- Fearful. Is ineffective because he cannot take action out of fear of rocking the boat. May also incite anxiety in others due to his own anxious state.
- Egotistical. Takes offense at anything which may threaten said INFJ's ego (such accepting another persons help because it will make the INFJ feel inferior)

I have been guilty of every single one of those. A lot. But I've worked through many of them. Being judgemental is probably the last "major" issue for me. And I almost always catch it before anything comes of it, so I'd say that's a winning battle!

Dearest beloved ones I have a question and maybe it is not even an INFJ type of thing but I feel I need to ask. Maybe I am crazy but it commonly happens when I'm at the edge of falling of a clip (deeply depressed).

Whenever you feel down/sad/needy/depressed (those nature states) do you imagine: self mutilating acts like ingesting excessive pills or injecting e.g. heroin. Like to numb the feelings. Sort of handing yourself over to the bad side because you don't have power to fight to stay on the good side.
Maybe some even take action on these.

Any response would be highly appreciated

Many times I've wanted nothing more than to just give up and stop trying. Many times I've done exactly that. Nothing overtly self-negative. But I've definitely sleep-deprived myself and/or used my computer to the point where I had effectively numbed myself completely. I know that place, and it's an awful place to be. And so hard to pull out of! All I can share is silent agreement.

 

[waterbaby]

It's interesting that you said this. I'm the same way...but what's weird is i LOVE fashion. I browse online stores all the time (Nordstrom, Bebe, Arden B, Bloomingdales, you name it..I'm there) and I do most of my shopping for clothes online. I feel free that way. At a mall, I feel like I'm being swallowed up by something bigger than me. I hate the way I feel when I'm there. I feel like I'm going to die of anxiety, I want to run from sales people (and I used to work in high end retail sales myself!), and I just overall feel uncomfortable in the environment of a mall.

But what do you mean you feel like you don't belong in the world when you're there? When you leave, do you instantly feel differently? I'm always relieved when I'm out of the mall. I don't like to go to the mall and browse. I mostly avoid it like the plague and only go if I absolutely need something.

Agree.

 

[Beneath the surface]

Dearest beloved ones I have a question and maybe it is not even an INFJ type of thing but I feel I need to ask. Maybe I am crazy but it commonly happens when I'm at the edge of falling of a clip (deeply depressed).

Whenever you feel down/sad/needy/depressed (those nature states) do you imagine: self mutilating acts like ingesting excessive pills or injecting e.g. heroin. Like to numb the feelings. Sort of handing yourself over to the bad side because you don't have power to fight to stay on the good side.
Maybe some even take action on these.

Any response would be highly appreciated

When I'm really down & sad or when I'm in some other sort of heightened negative emotional state, I start having suicidal thoughts e.g. overdosing, but that's what they really are. I never have the courage to carry them out; maybe I'm too much of a wimp or maybe I just value life too much to die. I bottle all these intense feelings up, so no-one knows how I'm feeling. I never confide in anyone, not even those who are closest to me; I guess it's just my way of dealing with it- to deal with it alone and without interference from other people.

I agree with Zero about the whole writing thing. I have a diary which I keep all my thoughts and feelings in, but boy does it turn cold and nasty when my emotions are stirred. I remember reading over something I'd written during a state of intense anger and I surprised even myself. It was all coherent and carefully constructed, but I sounded like a complete psychopath, who was on a self-imposed time bomb! Reading over it, I found it frightening to see what thoughts pass over my mind when I'm angry or pushed to the end of my tether. I don't know why I think in such a suicidal way, but it's a problem that I've got to get to the root of, and the emotions are something that I have to learn to control, before I'm consumed beyond all sense of rationality by anger.

 

[Milon]

You mean like self destructiveness? Umm yeah, its not a great place to be and really hard to get yourself out of. Most addicts of sorts are self destructive because they rely on something to save them. If you have painful feelings than talk with someone (in real life, not just online) before you start to do something self-destructive -- because it's often a very tough habit to break.

The cruel thing about it, though, is that we need someone to understand us. How many INFJ's have someone in their lives who understands them? What are we supposed to do?

 

[Pristinegirl]

I think that the best way is to do as you do by e.g. writing a diary, play some music, write poetry, draw - get it out of the system somehow. I was actually surprised about my previous post when I read it just now because I had forgotten all about it (and it was this month :S). Also, I was surprised at how open I was.

Milon: it is easy to have everything toned to gray when we are down and therefore we make a mountain out of a molehill, thinking that absolutely no one in the whole world understands or feels the way we do. Therefore, keep in your heart knowing that there are actually alot of people who are there fore you if you just give them the chance. Because then again they can't read your mind nor help you unless you tell them that something is wrong.

 

[jn56uytrx]

The cruel thing about it, though, is that we need someone to understand us. How many INFJ's have someone in their lives who understands them? What are we supposed to do?

This is tough. On one hand, I have experienced the amplified pain of hurting, turning to someone else for comfort, and then ending up hurting even more deeply over sensing I was misunderstood in my vulnerability. If that is what you've experienced or what you imagine experiencing, I agree, that sucks.

On the other hand, I value working toward a mindset that can accept what others offer, but also has some self-sustaining resources to turn to when others--no matter how well-meaning--are not able help. I'm not sure exactly what all those self-sustaining resources would be for different people, but I've managed to gather a supply of a few at least.

 

[jn56uytrx]

I had earlier today been reading through the past posts in this thread, but before I finished took a break to watch 2 Days in Paris. I had a sense almost immediately that I didn't want to admit, but about halfway through the movie, I finally admitted it was possible the Julie Delpy character might be an unhealthy INFJ (or maybe INTJ). The character exhibited some of the traits of out of control excesses I associate with eruption of inferior Se.

If anyone's seen this movie, I'd be curious your take on that character in relation to inferior Se in an INXJ.

 

[jn56uytrx]

Hence, I actually have had several dreams of being stung and with a needle of heroin injected into me, against my will making me completely sedated and opressed. Although I can never seem to point at what they exactly mean. Furthermore, I talk to a therapist and I have got friends, sometimes I worry about stigma though which can make it nice to have someone to tell online too

PG, this intrigued me. I don't smoke and I rarely drink, but when I get very stressed out, a big clue for me is I start having dreams of getting drunk and smoking. I don't actually do it, but I have a strong attraction to it in those places of stress. I also believe I have a personality with a tendency toward addiction and so I am cautious about engaging in things like that.

 

[Pristinegirl]

PG, this intrigued me. I don't smoke and I rarely drink, but when I get very stressed out, a big clue for me is I start having dreams of getting drunk and smoking. I don't actually do it, but I have a strong attraction to it in those places of stress. I also believe I have a personality with a tendency toward addiction and so I am cautious about engaging in things like that.

I definetly know what you mean, I have an addictive personality too, so I refrain from it. I have never actually tried heroin or anything like it. I also don't know anyone related to it but like you said its an indication and should be handled with precaution. You are so smart, those dreams have aroused during very stressfull times.

 

[Milon]

I know I get addicted to stuff, so there's no way I'll even try smoking. And thankfully I hate the taste of alcohol (can't get past that really strong yeasty taste *shudder*).

PristineGirl, thanks. You're right. And Tovlo too. People care even if I'm too self-absorbed to see it. And people care even if it's not in a way I want them to.

Tovlo, what you say is attractive. I would much prefer to have the ability to deal with this myself since I'll always have me around. Can you give some suggestions?

I've tried distraction, creative outlets, music, etc. I find that if I'm expecting to release what's bottled up in me, it doesn't get resolved. Sometimes something will just hit me out of nowhere - could be a line from a song I wasn't really paying attention to, could be someone's signature online, could be a random line I read in a book, whatever - and I find release. But if I try to find it, I rarely actually do. Does that make sense?

 

[jn56uytrx]

Tovlo, what you say is attractive. I would much prefer to have the ability to deal with this myself since I'll always have me around. Can you give some suggestions?

Perhaps, if you're patient with me. I purposely didn't offer anything specific because I think the tool kit another might turn to could be different given the difficulty might be different. I didn't want to offer something that would be inappropriate to your situation and run the risk of you losing hope there was anything of value here for you.

I've tried distraction, creative outlets, music, etc. I find that if I'm expecting to release what's bottled up in me, it doesn't get resolved. Sometimes something will just hit me out of nowhere - could be a line from a song I wasn't really paying attention to, could be someone's signature online, could be a random line I read in a book, whatever - and I find release. But if I try to find it, I rarely actually do. Does that make sense?

Yes, it does make sense. I think I do have a sense of what you're saying and my sense is that a tool for you is already contained within your words. I'm struggling with the language to describe it however, so this is where I will beg your patience.

One of the tools I've gained (though struggle to use) is to accept my emotional experience. To truly experience it, accept it without any judgment, and then let it go when it announces it's ready to leave. What comes to me in considering what you've spoken is something similar. It sounds like relief does come to you, just not on a time line you try to create or by the means you design. So if distraction, creative outlets, music, etc. give you enough to get through the moment, though not necessarily the full relief you seek, still use them for the moment to moment movement and then additionally accept you are still not feeling well, without judgment. I don't know if you've ever tried that sort of acceptance successfully, but it is an experience I cannot put adequate words to. Somehow in accepting my state, the tension of it ceases to escalate. That would be my hope for you. Then ideally in that state of accepting your current place, you can keep moving through your moments and being open to the serendipity of release through a song lyric or a signature line passing by and offering you the true release you seek.

I feel very self-conscious in offering this because I fear it will not meet your need, and then I feel self-conscious on top of it that in telling you about my fear you may feel compelled to assure me it was helpful (no matter the real effect) in order to soothe me. I just want to offer what I can and hope that wherever I'm lacking you will be given the grace to make up the difference.

I am wishing you inner peacefulness.