The "friend zone" | Page 5 | INFJ Forum

The "friend zone"

sandra_b said:
I don't mind it too much. Though what does tend to suck is when I become aware of what's happening and recognize the situation for what it is and try to bring an end to it. Somehow when I am direct and honest with people they get more upset and seem content to leave things the way they were, hoping for more. That always confuses me. I'd assume men would want to be with a woman who wants them, but apparently some of them don't. At that point I stop accepting responsibility for the situation if they choose to stay. At this point, it becomes a two way street and they are a willing participant. I will say that I never purposely lead people on or seek them out for my own selfish means. It tends to be something that develops slowly over time and it takes some kind of catalyst or situation to come up before I realize what's happening.

It's also unpleasant to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour. Except I am aware enough to understand it for what it is and also know what I'm doing. If I get hurt in the process because I'm waiting around for someone then that's my fault for not having the strength to cut things off and move on.
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Meh.
I still pity those that had to go through it. They don't deserve having to be used and held as a second option 'until someone better comes along'.
That phrase, and act, is grating.

On another note, kudos to you for at least trying to stop it when you became aware.
 
The Jester said:
Meh.
I still pity those that had to go through it. They don't deserve having to be used and held as a second option 'until someone better comes along'.
That phrase, and act, is grating.

On another note, kudos to you for at least trying to stop it when you became aware.
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mhm. I understand the disgust and the frustration and everything else that comes along from something like that. All a person can do is try to do the right thing when they become aware and if not... well... I don't know what to say for those people.
 
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:D
 
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Girls get friend-zoned all the time. They just complain about it less.
 
haha, I never get friend zoned... not sexually, i get friend zoned relationship wise... which might suck more actually. AM I NOT DESERVING OF LOVE?!
 
I don't really understand the friend zone to be honest, Usually when I end up liking someone who is a friend my initial thought is firstly, Hey this person is an awesome friend. Then some kind of attraction forms past the standard "Oh, you're hot" I typically find most women attractive or at least attractive enough, so this isn't really an issue. Secondly I think hey, maybe this person would be a good match in some capacity, so I might pursue it a bit with slightly flirtatious behavior and such and gage reaction. Here's the part I really don't get though, if there's no reaction I'm pretty happy being a friend and just back it off and shrug it off I don't consider it being "friend zoned" as I have no real vested interest in the outcome, I like having friends. It's not like I ONLY wanted to spend time with that person on the off chance that I might fuck her someday, that's ridiculous and a huge waste of time. Not everyone is compatible. The friend zone thing seems to come in where guys just keep trying to "win the girl over" and if she's not into it, she's not into it so it's obviously never going to happen and it just becomes down right fucking creepy.
 
Billy said:
haha, I never get friend zoned... not sexually, i get friend zoned relationship wise... which might suck more actually. AM I NOT DESERVING OF LOVE?!
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But studs don't need love lol. Or DO THEY?
 
Serenity said:
But studs don't need love lol. Or DO THEY?
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Depends on whether you think someone is a stud or not based on the things they have said and didn't get the tongue in cheek humor behind said blog posts.
 
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Billy said:
Depends on whether you think someone is a stud or not based on the things they have said and didn't get the tongue in cheek humor behind said blog posts.
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Some people are just destined to be a sperm depositor. The grass is always greener...
 
I had a really hard time with this. This is what I would say to dudes who are having trouble with friend zone: You can have the greatest friendship in the world, but that does not arouse her, or cause her to feel a rush of exhilaration, excitement or intrigue, which is what she wants. She wants to be made to feel a certain way. The friendship per se does not trigger attraction. Attraction's a very animal response to expression of certain qualities. Of course it's ironic. Of course it doesn't make sense. Of course it's not optimal. But people do not choose how their brains are wired, and what triggers biochemical responses (aka "emotions") in them.

When it comes to human interaction overall, there is a game layer that's hard to get away from. I used to be too idealistic. Nowadays I operate with a long list of things that people respond well to, and don't respond well to. People like expression of positive energy. They don't like expression of negative energy. People might not get my jokes, so I shut the fuck up with those. People don't like it when I get attached to them, so I avoid that. People get creeped out by certain things that I think are fine, funny or honest, so I shut the fuck up with those. If someone's saying something that MIGHT be sensitive to them, maybe I shouldn't crack a joke about that, so again, I shut the fuck up. Being amiable is a constant exercise in shutting the fuck up.

I am not completely genuine. I am passively manipulative in that within the range of what I would normally do, I am inclined to select behaviors that people respond well to, and hold back the others. I feel that I have to, or I end up getting misunderstood and ostracized.
 
OK I admit, I know the friend zone very well.

I usually get put there when I actually like the girl, not when I just want to sleep with them. There were some who were cool about it, but there was at least one who probably only liked that I was always going to be there for her, and that I ended up having vast oceans of patience and compassion and was emotionally invested in her problems and well-being. I don't really blame her for doing that but now I'm pretty sure that it's not something that you should ever do to someone.

I guess I had my jaded phase and then ultimately saw it as a learning experience-- you start to realize that a lot of the time you'd be better off not being anything.

I've also put girls there myself… but I guess that that's more like the sex zone. I really don't want to play the field all the time and it's hard to meet girls that I actually like… so it's nice to have someone who will be there for you-- ironically, the same thing that girls do, but with sex instead of emotions. I don't think I could ever have cold, empty meaningless sex so this is sort of in the middle. I was perfectly clear that that's what it was, but they always got upset eventually. One of them even seemed to get really angry about it, even though I was completely honest from the beginning. But really, I kind of knew that something like that was going to happen. Usually when someone likes you/loves you, they'll tell themselves what they want to hear.

I don't think I would do that again-- there's absolutely nothing good about 'breaking up' with a friend that you've been sleeping with, only to realize that you don't even care. I recently tried to hook up with this other girl who obviously liked me without me liking her back, but at this point I was actually a little angry at myself for doing it… and I was kind of mean to her. I didn't get very far before she ended up dumping me and I felt bad-- not because I liked her, but because my ego was crushed. But when I really think about it, I totally deserved it and in a way I really have to hand it to her… she had self respect.

I think that that's how girls feel about guys who refuse to be put in the friend zone. They won't care in the long run, and will probably respect you more if you leave.
 
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Ultimately, a wall that for some stands SO TALL LIEK WHOA it hinders them to make any meaningful relationship-- while still seeking it.

What is that wall, if I have to ask?
 
Whiskers said:
Why does it seem to be predominantly populated by males?

Perhaps my experience has biased me, but I can't recall ever hearing of a female being "friend zoned".
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I am friend zoned :| anything else?
Guy's I'm feeling awful :|
 
The friend zone implies that there was no basis of friendship to begin with. It's as if party A was interested in party B and never intended to be a friend, meanwhile party B probably regarded A as a friend. Suddenly, A discovers, shockingly, that party B has only considered them a friend that whole time and party A gets upset about it and thinks they've just been shuffled to a place they never wanted to be in the first place. Guess what? You were there the whole time. It's not an insult against you or a rejection. You were trying to get something out of the equation that the other person wanted and now you feel slighted because they want your friendship but don't feel the necessary chemistry or physical attraction to want to enter into a relationship with you.

Guess who else is in the friend zone? Every. Single. Friend. you have ever had, every single friend they have ever had. It's not a loser zone, it's just simply not what you want. Get over it.
 
SpecialEdition said:
The friend zone implies that there was no basis of friendship to begin with. It's as if party A was interested in party B and never intended to be a friend, meanwhile party B probably regarded A as a friend. Suddenly, A discovers, shockingly, that party B has only considered them a friend that whole time and party A gets upset about it and thinks they've just been shuffled to a place they never wanted to be in the first place. Guess what? You were there the whole time. It's not an insult against you or a rejection. You were trying to get something out of the equation that the other person wanted and now you feel slighted because they want your friendship but don't feel the necessary chemistry or physical attraction to want to enter into a relationship with you.

Guess who else is in the friend zone? Every. Single. Friend. you have ever had, every single friend they have ever had. It's not a loser zone, it's just simply not what you want. Get over it.
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Yeah that last part is definitely true.

plus if your just trying to get laid just bang her friends.
 
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