My friend abruptly... | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

My friend abruptly...

I've used the "I'm so busy" excuse myself. It was only an excuse I used when I felt someone was too smothering. I needed more introvert alone time, and they were trying to take it away - that wasn't their intent, but that's how I perceived it.

Like GO said, be persistent and patient in a gentle way. Leave a little note saying some nice little thing, maybe stick a little chocolate on it or something. Just a nice something that says "I'm still here, I still care." Doing that while respecting the distance is a good way to help an INFJ (or likely any introvert) to come around again. You're demonstrating friendship while not smothering. Then you can eventually talk, get it all out, and you each can adjust to the needs of the other.

And yes, I'm rather idealistic, so insert large grain of sand *here*.
 
Milon said:
I've used the "I'm so busy" excuse myself. It was only an excuse I used when I felt someone was too smothering. I needed more introvert alone time, and they were trying to take it away - that wasn't their intent, but that's how I perceived it.
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Well she is actually busy.
Like GO said, be persistent and patient in a gentle way. Leave a little note saying some nice little thing, maybe stick a little chocolate on it or something. Just a nice something that says "I'm still here, I still care."
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What am I her BF?

Nooo I get what your saying.

Doing that while respecting the distance is a good way to help an INFJ (or likely any introvert) to come around again. You're demonstrating friendship while not smothering. Then you can eventually talk, get it all out, and you each can adjust to the needs of the other.
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*Takes advice puts in pocket carries around for other encouters with introverts*

Oooh the nutty things I learn on INFJ Forums
 
Lucifer said:
Hmmm that might be an idea

But I want her to admit she was being rude or else it will feel like I am bending over for her.

Thank you!
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Well, yeah; the key is to do things in moderation -- it doesn't take much to leave a little something that shows you care, like a note or message or something, and then do your own thing. Don't be a doormat or anything, just shrug it off and take it as it comes.

But remember this: an apology isn't meant to establish blame, for the most part. The biggest thing it does is reestablish harmony. If you play that game of "well, only if she admits she's wrong," then things go on without changing. Be the bigger (wo)man and take those extra steps until it's time to talk through the "whys" and the "becauses" of her feelings and how they effected yours. You'll be happier for it, trust me :)
 
Well, Milon is a treasure...and an INFJ himself.

Lucifer, your friend's behavior is something I do myself from time to time. I call it door-slamming. I don't really always understand it; it can be sort of a freakout thing when I feel I'm getting too close to someone. I did this once with an old friend with whom I had been quite close for years. I used the old "I'm busy" routine and I actually was quite busy--law school, two toddlers, a disintegrating marriage--but she saw through it.

I don't remember now how she did it, but she got me to sit down for a face-to-face where she talked frankly and patiently about friedships and the nurture required to sustain one. For some reason I listened and it made me realize I valued her friendship and didn't want to lose it. Oh, yeah, she was careful to acknowledge I had a lot on my plate, that we probably had different needs around time spent together and that she was willing to respect that.

I appreciate this thread because it helps me see the other side of this hurtful behavior. Though I haven't done it seriously in years, I'm still sometimes tempted, so next time temptation rears its ugly head, I'll just reread this. Thanks.
 
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gloomy-optimist said:
Well, yeah; the key is to do things in moderation -- it doesn't take much to leave a little something that shows you care, like a note or message or something, and then do your own thing. Don't be a doormat or anything, just shrug it off and take it as it comes.

But remember this: an apology isn't meant to establish blame, for the most part. The biggest thing it does is reestablish harmony. If you play that game of "well, only if she admits she's wrong," then things go on without changing. Be the bigger (wo)man and take those extra steps until it's time to talk through the "whys" and the "becauses" of her feelings and how they effected yours. You'll be happier for it, trust me :)
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But I Don't WANNA!

Huh!

I just want her to realize her actions were hurtful to me...

That's all

Well I like this thread it's cleared up a few things for me.

I will see what she says...
 
Luce, it sounds like she's overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed it doesn't take much for me to "door-slam" as the others above stated. I turn off because I need space - it's not necessarily purposeful, but I just need time off and a time out...and anything in my space will bug me. Sometimes the world isn't big enough when I need my time away.

Leave her alone, tell her you're there if she wants to talk, and do some extroverted stuff with other friends you have. Eventually she'll get back to center.
 
So I need a plan

If we do end up talking I'll tell her how much I value our friendship, but I am unwilling to be ignored.

Try and establish that she has in fact been ignoring me.

And I will tell her I want to understand why so we can maintain our friendship. An outcome that I consider desirable.


So basically what I am offering her is a plea, to maintain our friendship.

And if she STILL refuses to talk to me I'll right another letter.

So to outline

-I value our friendship
-You've been ignoring me
-If you don't stop I can easily see us falling apart I don't want that to happen.
- I will respect your needs you just need to tell me what they are.
-Do you need your space?

I love this forum it's so useful!

Then if that works I will take on the other plans like lil notes and such
 
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Lucifer said:
So I need a plan

If we do end up talking I'll tell her how much I value our friendship, but I am unwilling to be ignored.

Try and establish that she has in fact been ignoring me.

And I will tell her I want to understand why so we can maintain our friendship. An outcome that I consider desirable.


So basically what I am offering her is a plea, to maintain our friendship.

And if she STILL refuses to talk to me I'll right another letter.

So to outline

-I value our friendship
-You've been ignoring me
-If you don't stop I can easily see us falling apart I don't want that to happen.
- I will respect your needs you just need to tell me what they are.

I love this forum it's so useful!

Then if that works I will take on the other plans like lil notes and such
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No. Don't try and tell her what shes been doing even if you are right. That may only cause an arguement, or make her withdraw more.

Tell her you feel that you are being ignored in a very hurtful way. Refer to your feelings. Maybe you should post a draft of your letter so we can make suggestions.....

Remember, appeal to your feelings. And don't use 'you' phraseology. Use 'I' phraseology.
I want you to tell me when you need time along. I want you and me to remain friends. I value you. etcetera.
 
alcyone said:
No. Don't try and tell her what shes been doing even if you are right. That may only cause an arguement, or make her withdraw more.

Tell her you feel that you are being ignored in a very hurtful way. Refer to your feelings. Maybe you should post a draft of your letter so we can make suggestions.....

Remember, appeal to your feelings. And don't use 'you' phraseology. Use 'I' phraseology.
I want you to tell me when you need time along. I want you and me to remain friends. I value you. etcetera.
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Ok so you mean more like this

I highly value our friendship

But as of late Ive been feeling quite hurt, I feel like your ignoring me.

I can easily see us falling apart if this continues, I don't want to loose you.

I will respect your needs, so if you need time alone or anything else you can tell me.

I want to remain friends and I will always be there for you etc.
 
ug this is giving me a head ache!

I need a napp.

But uh thanks good advice all around!
 
remind her of your world domination...

Shai may have some good tips for you...
 
Lucifer said:
FUCK FRIENDS! I HATE FRIENDS! WHY DO I EVEN NEED FRIENDS. THEIR ONLY ARE THERE TO HURT YOU THEN BE ALL SELF RIGHTOUS WHEN YOU POINT OUT THAT THEY'RE BEING HURTFUL.

FUCK FRIENDS I AM BECOMING A HERMIT!!

I AM NOT A BAD! :m142: PERSON

I DON'T DESERVE TO BE IGNORED!

THIS IS HURTFUL!

I CAN'T BARE ANYMORE REJECTION IN MY LIFE I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT!

I AM GOING TO LIVE IN A CAVE ON A MOUNTAIN WITH ALL THE OTHER HERMITS!

FUCK!

:m051:
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You have to think about this from her point of view.

I know when I'm stressed or upset I isolate and that sounds like what she is doing.

I think your pushing to hard. But thats just me.


Lucifer said:
Hmmm that might be an idea

But I want her to admit she was being rude or else it will feel like I am bending over for her.

Thank you!
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See this is where I think things might get tence.

You can't force here to say she was being rude.

You can point it out but here admitting it you if she dosen't feel it will frankly cause more issues.

arbygil said:
Luce, it sounds like she's overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed it doesn't take much for me to "door-slam" as the others above stated. I turn off because I need space - it's not necessarily purposeful, but I just need time off and a time out...and anything in my space will bug me. Sometimes the world isn't big enough when I need my time away.

Leave her alone, tell her you're there if she wants to talk, and do some extroverted stuff with other friends you have. Eventually she'll get back to center.
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Exactly forcing an introvert to frankly do something that they may feel is introverted is not good territory to be in.

Not at all.

If you keep pushing she will just keep moving further away.
 
How many live with you both?

I have done mediation for people living together and this would be one of the reasons I would be called to help. It means both of you talk about what the problem is honestly and the mediator keeps this from getting too hot. Solutions are found and everyone agrees to meet again to see if it is working. I have seen it work when people are honest and want things to work out and not well where no one was being honest and they moved on. It could help, but your roommate has to agree with it and be comfortable being truthful.
 
I am willing to leave her alone if that what she needs and all.

I just would like to know from her that is the case.

I was pissed when I said I wanted her to recognize she was being rude I am calmer now. (Not that that would be altogether difficult she is being rude)

I may have frightened her off already, :( but nothing is hopeless I'll write her another letter tomorrow.

This thread clarifies a lot of things for me. Thanks guys!
 
Dutch Cake said:
How many live with you both?
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One other person lives with us.
I have done mediation for people living together and this would be one of the reasons I would be called to help. It means both of you talk about what the problem is honestly and the mediator keeps this from getting too hot. Solutions are found and everyone agrees to meet again to see if it is working. I have seen it work when people are honest and want things to work out and not well where no one was being honest and they moved on. It could help, but your roommate has to agree with it and be comfortable being truthful.
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That would be the RA on our hall. I had to do that with my last roommate it didn't help much.
 
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