INFJs and internet relationships/LDRs
- Thread starter Wyst
- Start date
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!
I just joined. This is the reason why I always wait for a whole season of a tv series to end before I start watching it.
Come oooooon! Don't bump this thread so I think the next part has been written! You think this is some kind of game!?
:target:
you will never know...*is secretly jumping up and down with excitement*
Now, now.....Wyst is a very smart INFJ because he KNOWS we need CLOSURE!!! The perfect captive audience! Ha!Ha!
I'm a bit hooked too....I'm wondering what the next trip will be like!
I'll be checking back on this....
I'm a bit hooked too....I'm wondering what the next trip will be like!
I'll be checking back on this....
Great story Wyst lol; this is why I want to be a writer XXD
I love watching everyone flip out when there's a cliffhanger (((please, nobody hurt me--im fragile
))
Enjoy your time with your family Wyst -^ ^-
I love watching everyone flip out when there's a cliffhanger (((please, nobody hurt me--im fragile
))Enjoy your time with your family Wyst -^ ^-
Episode VI
When I set out on my flight to California, I really didn't know how things would end up. If I told her how I felt, would the response be one of tempered caution and restraint coupled with an emotional backaway? It was a fifty fifty toss-up but I was determined to tell her how I felt. One thing she had mentioned to me over a phone a few times was that she felt like I wasn't being open with her. Apparently I was her first INFJ to really try and get to know but I realized that me opening up to her would be key.
I knew that it was hard for her to really get to know me and it was deliberate on my part. I was pretty much ready to tell her, "I think we're perfect for each other", right after she emailed me back the first time. Jumping the gun without thinking isn't wise though. Especially when another person's heart is part of the equation.
If a relationship were to come of this, she'd be the first girlfriend, much less date I'd had in five years. I felt that the emotional momentum that had built up would be unstoppable once I really opened up to her. There would be a point of no return once I did, no stopping the emotions. So I did spend those first 4 weeks before I met her, keeping her somewhat at an arm's length in getting to know me beyond what I revealed about my family, my interests, and basic profile stuff.
To try and hold up the crumbling wall of my resistance, I had been writing letters addressed to her that sat unsent on my dresser. 'One day if things work out, I'll get to give these to her', I thought. I wrote her another letter on my flight back to North Carolina. I wrote of the warmth I felt in my heart for her and let her in on all the thoughts that I couldn't reveal to her yet. Doing this was my way of 'making it up to her' for not being more transparent with her.
I didn't write her every day. Usually every other day. By the day she arrived, I would have 20 letters. I decided that I'd give them to her during her visit.
Once I got back home, I Skyped her and we had our first web chat. It was great and sad at the same time. Great because I could see her, sad because the realization of what our 'normal' communication would be like for the foreseeable future began slamming in to me. I was pretty distraught once it finally set in. Really, the only thing holding my frail patience together was the fact that'd she'd be visiting in a few short weeks.
I had worked it out with a family at my church for her to stay with them in a guest room of theirs. At the time, Karen was conducting a job search. So, even though she wasn't busy at work, she was busy looking for work and our chunks of free time didn't always line up. We would usually Skype every two or three days. The worst part about the separation, once I got over the distance itself, was the time difference. Being three hours apart, sucked. Especially on the weekends. One the weekends when I woke up at 8am, I'd have to wait 3 hours until it was 8am in California. Usually I would write her one of my letters.
One day, after few days of non-skype communication, we finished up a great conversation. Her trip was only a few days away and we were wrapping up our good-byes. She stopped mid-sentence and said, "You, know... I really", she paused and smiled, "Somethings are better said in person".
I had the last two days for planning, getting shopping done for dinner, and getting my apartment ready. She would be coming the day after my birthday and we decided to celebrate Valentines day a day early. I thought it would be romantic if I did a candlelight dinner for her at my apartment. Of course I had flowers and chocolates but I also had the letters written and waiting for her to read them. Finally, my first Valentines Day with a girlfriend.
Over the past few weeks, we had spent hours talking about the next several months and what it would look like. She was really set on staying in California to be close to family, at least for the next few years and I wasn't at all attached to the small town I lived in, so I began checking on the job opportunities in California. It wasn't long after we began talking about me moving to be with her that Karen landed a job. That sealed the deal - California was where my future and destiny was.
One day when I was almost to walk out the door, my cellphone rang...
When I set out on my flight to California, I really didn't know how things would end up. If I told her how I felt, would the response be one of tempered caution and restraint coupled with an emotional backaway? It was a fifty fifty toss-up but I was determined to tell her how I felt. One thing she had mentioned to me over a phone a few times was that she felt like I wasn't being open with her. Apparently I was her first INFJ to really try and get to know but I realized that me opening up to her would be key.
I knew that it was hard for her to really get to know me and it was deliberate on my part. I was pretty much ready to tell her, "I think we're perfect for each other", right after she emailed me back the first time. Jumping the gun without thinking isn't wise though. Especially when another person's heart is part of the equation.
If a relationship were to come of this, she'd be the first girlfriend, much less date I'd had in five years. I felt that the emotional momentum that had built up would be unstoppable once I really opened up to her. There would be a point of no return once I did, no stopping the emotions. So I did spend those first 4 weeks before I met her, keeping her somewhat at an arm's length in getting to know me beyond what I revealed about my family, my interests, and basic profile stuff.
To try and hold up the crumbling wall of my resistance, I had been writing letters addressed to her that sat unsent on my dresser. 'One day if things work out, I'll get to give these to her', I thought. I wrote her another letter on my flight back to North Carolina. I wrote of the warmth I felt in my heart for her and let her in on all the thoughts that I couldn't reveal to her yet. Doing this was my way of 'making it up to her' for not being more transparent with her.
I didn't write her every day. Usually every other day. By the day she arrived, I would have 20 letters. I decided that I'd give them to her during her visit.
Once I got back home, I Skyped her and we had our first web chat. It was great and sad at the same time. Great because I could see her, sad because the realization of what our 'normal' communication would be like for the foreseeable future began slamming in to me. I was pretty distraught once it finally set in. Really, the only thing holding my frail patience together was the fact that'd she'd be visiting in a few short weeks.
I had worked it out with a family at my church for her to stay with them in a guest room of theirs. At the time, Karen was conducting a job search. So, even though she wasn't busy at work, she was busy looking for work and our chunks of free time didn't always line up. We would usually Skype every two or three days. The worst part about the separation, once I got over the distance itself, was the time difference. Being three hours apart, sucked. Especially on the weekends. One the weekends when I woke up at 8am, I'd have to wait 3 hours until it was 8am in California. Usually I would write her one of my letters.
One day, after few days of non-skype communication, we finished up a great conversation. Her trip was only a few days away and we were wrapping up our good-byes. She stopped mid-sentence and said, "You, know... I really", she paused and smiled, "Somethings are better said in person".
I had the last two days for planning, getting shopping done for dinner, and getting my apartment ready. She would be coming the day after my birthday and we decided to celebrate Valentines day a day early. I thought it would be romantic if I did a candlelight dinner for her at my apartment. Of course I had flowers and chocolates but I also had the letters written and waiting for her to read them. Finally, my first Valentines Day with a girlfriend.
Over the past few weeks, we had spent hours talking about the next several months and what it would look like. She was really set on staying in California to be close to family, at least for the next few years and I wasn't at all attached to the small town I lived in, so I began checking on the job opportunities in California. It wasn't long after we began talking about me moving to be with her that Karen landed a job. That sealed the deal - California was where my future and destiny was.
One day when I was almost to walk out the door, my cellphone rang...
Ok, I understand your style now. Give us a taste, then leave us wanting more! You write this very well, and the story is enthralling! Don't leave hanging too long! 
Hey wyst, we met Chirstmas Eve...last night. I agree good details and story telling. In response to your question wyst:
When I read "more" spelled "moar" I think of Men In Black (a movie) the opening scene with the farmer guy who recently got his skin stolen by that alien, when he comes into his house and asks his wife for water: "Moar.....moar!" he demands as he chugs the glasses of water down. The way he says "more" sounds more like "moar" I dunno they are the same, but the sound bite has stuck in my head since I set eyes on the film.
correction: sugar water
When I read "more" spelled "moar" I think of Men In Black (a movie) the opening scene with the farmer guy who recently got his skin stolen by that alien, when he comes into his house and asks his wife for water: "Moar.....moar!" he demands as he chugs the glasses of water down. The way he says "more" sounds more like "moar" I dunno they are the same, but the sound bite has stuck in my head since I set eyes on the film.
correction: sugar water
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~~ Finale ~~
It was Andrew. Andrew was Karen's new boss. She had arranged for me to have an informal interview with him in hopes that I'd get a job with her company. The interview went smoothly and he said he'd be in touch although they weren't looking for someone to hire at that time. Nuts. A dead end.
My next conversation with Karen on Skype would be the last one until I'd see her in person. Finally - I was so glad to get to see her in person again. She asked me how the phone call with Andrew went - I was reluctant to tell her how it turned out, though it wasn't my fault. She stayed upbeat about it - saying that I'd only just started looking for work in California. We said our good-byes and "I can't waits" and I set my eyes to the following day.
The next day all the conversations I'd had with Karen about the future kept playing through my mind. We were both home schooled K-12. That meant out moms stayed at home and focused on being a homekeeper and teacher and our dads were the sole breadwinners in our families. This was one of the first things in common we discovered about each other. My youngest sister is adopted from India Karen has always wanted to adopt. And our future goals were quickly lining up for me to move to California so we could really start getting to know each other.
I started getting nervous. I called my dad that day, needing someone to talk to. "She's 27 now and probably wants to have kids as soon as she can", was how I broached the subject. Completely lacking confidence in my ability to support just myself and her on my paycheck, let alone kids, and adopting a kid, which is a very expensive process, I felt my mental brakes starting to kick in.
My worst fear has been and still is that when I meet someone and we get married that she'll want to have kids and 'boom', suddenly I'm not her lover anymore, I'm just the source of sperm and a paycheck to make her dreams of being a mother a reality. This plagued me continuously throughout the day.
When I picked her up at the airport, I put on a normal face but internally, I was pretty frantic. "What if I can't find a job in California? My job here supports me, but I don't think I'd be able to make ends meet with my paycheck in California.. to say nothing of supporting a wife and kids."
The next day, Karen was able to tell something was wrong with me. She didn't say anything for a while. I didn't know what to do. "What do I do? I can't tell her about this... she'll totally realize I'm a coward, loser, and reject me. But ... what if she goes home on Sunday, thinking everything is okay? That's not good either..". It really started eating me up. I'm normally very good at cloaking what's going on inside of me with my INFJ mask of moodiness but Karen wasn't used to seeing that mask and it caught her attention.
When she asked me what was wrong, I completely froze. I didn't know what to do or say next and just stuttered with, 'I uh-s' and stared into my coffee. She instantly realized something was very wrong and asked the worst possible question, "Are you breaking up with me?".
"I don't know." "Well tell me what's wrong..what is it?"
I felt like a little kid when their parent asks them about a nightmare and they can't remember exactly what it was that was so scary but they also don't want to talk about it for fear that it might become a reality once they put it to words.
I decided that I wasn't going to be able to make things work. Finding work in California would be impossible. Supporting her on whatever paycheck I might manage to get would be ludicrous and the fear that I'd be kicked to the curb once the first kid was born made me feel rejected even though it hadn't even happened and was completely in my mind. I wanted out and I didn't want to talk about the real reasons why and be discovered for what I really was - lacking confidence, cowardly, and selfish.
So I told her lies. I told her that now that I'd gotten to spend a little more time with her, was beginning to realize that though who we are matches really well on 'paper' (internet profiles), in reality, I didn't think it'd work out. I'm blamed it on her being to bubbly and energetic which also was a lie.
I was sure that if I told her, 'This is a fear related problem' that she'd want to work on it, assure me that it'd be ok, and that we'd continue moving towards the path I absolutely did not want to walk down.
No going back now, I'd lied to her and didn't want to add to my list of shortcomings that I was also a liar - so I stuck with my lie. The short end of it is that we did break up. Two years ago this coming February it would have been two years since I last talked to her.
The moral of my story, for me - not necessarily for everyone, is that LRDs are extremely hard. Since INFJs live in a fantasy world, playing through scenarios in their mind, they can come up with some really high hopes or paralyzing fears. In my case, I ended up with fears. For me, rejection was the worst possible scenario and the irrational fear of taking 2nd place behind kids, which Karen seemed to place a lot of importance on, became very real to me. Furthermore, talking about these irrational fears produced more fears of, "She'll think less of you once she discovers what you really are", sealed the deal that I couldn't talk about it honestly with her.
I am not proud of how I handled things at all. In fact, I think I chose to walk away from something really good. The end result of buying into my fears is that I dropped myself into a swamp of self-doubt. If I handled things so badly and couldn't be trusted back then... how can I ever trust myself again with someone else's heart. I haven't been on a dated anyone since Karen.
I wonder if you guys feel cheated. This story of a perfect relationship got off to such a good start, seemed to be going to well, and nothing but a promising future to it... you're right, in reality, all of those things are true. I hope that anyone whether possibly in a LRD, internet relationship, or normal relationship learns from my huge mistake. If you let fear drive, it goes badly. Don't let being an INFJ keep you from addressing fears you have, whether they are rational or irrational fears. When I chose to let fear control me, I predetermined the end of my relationship with Karen based on nothing but those fears.
I think that love is a two-way street of unconditional trust. If you love someone, you'll be real with you really are and how you really feel. Despite your shortcomings and ugliness as a person, they love you back when none of it matters to them. I haven't gotten to that place yet where I can trust that someone could really love me like that.
It was Andrew. Andrew was Karen's new boss. She had arranged for me to have an informal interview with him in hopes that I'd get a job with her company. The interview went smoothly and he said he'd be in touch although they weren't looking for someone to hire at that time. Nuts. A dead end.
My next conversation with Karen on Skype would be the last one until I'd see her in person. Finally - I was so glad to get to see her in person again. She asked me how the phone call with Andrew went - I was reluctant to tell her how it turned out, though it wasn't my fault. She stayed upbeat about it - saying that I'd only just started looking for work in California. We said our good-byes and "I can't waits" and I set my eyes to the following day.
The next day all the conversations I'd had with Karen about the future kept playing through my mind. We were both home schooled K-12. That meant out moms stayed at home and focused on being a homekeeper and teacher and our dads were the sole breadwinners in our families. This was one of the first things in common we discovered about each other. My youngest sister is adopted from India Karen has always wanted to adopt. And our future goals were quickly lining up for me to move to California so we could really start getting to know each other.
I started getting nervous. I called my dad that day, needing someone to talk to. "She's 27 now and probably wants to have kids as soon as she can", was how I broached the subject. Completely lacking confidence in my ability to support just myself and her on my paycheck, let alone kids, and adopting a kid, which is a very expensive process, I felt my mental brakes starting to kick in.
My worst fear has been and still is that when I meet someone and we get married that she'll want to have kids and 'boom', suddenly I'm not her lover anymore, I'm just the source of sperm and a paycheck to make her dreams of being a mother a reality. This plagued me continuously throughout the day.
When I picked her up at the airport, I put on a normal face but internally, I was pretty frantic. "What if I can't find a job in California? My job here supports me, but I don't think I'd be able to make ends meet with my paycheck in California.. to say nothing of supporting a wife and kids."
The next day, Karen was able to tell something was wrong with me. She didn't say anything for a while. I didn't know what to do. "What do I do? I can't tell her about this... she'll totally realize I'm a coward, loser, and reject me. But ... what if she goes home on Sunday, thinking everything is okay? That's not good either..". It really started eating me up. I'm normally very good at cloaking what's going on inside of me with my INFJ mask of moodiness but Karen wasn't used to seeing that mask and it caught her attention.
When she asked me what was wrong, I completely froze. I didn't know what to do or say next and just stuttered with, 'I uh-s' and stared into my coffee. She instantly realized something was very wrong and asked the worst possible question, "Are you breaking up with me?".
"I don't know." "Well tell me what's wrong..what is it?"
I felt like a little kid when their parent asks them about a nightmare and they can't remember exactly what it was that was so scary but they also don't want to talk about it for fear that it might become a reality once they put it to words.
I decided that I wasn't going to be able to make things work. Finding work in California would be impossible. Supporting her on whatever paycheck I might manage to get would be ludicrous and the fear that I'd be kicked to the curb once the first kid was born made me feel rejected even though it hadn't even happened and was completely in my mind. I wanted out and I didn't want to talk about the real reasons why and be discovered for what I really was - lacking confidence, cowardly, and selfish.
So I told her lies. I told her that now that I'd gotten to spend a little more time with her, was beginning to realize that though who we are matches really well on 'paper' (internet profiles), in reality, I didn't think it'd work out. I'm blamed it on her being to bubbly and energetic which also was a lie.
I was sure that if I told her, 'This is a fear related problem' that she'd want to work on it, assure me that it'd be ok, and that we'd continue moving towards the path I absolutely did not want to walk down.
No going back now, I'd lied to her and didn't want to add to my list of shortcomings that I was also a liar - so I stuck with my lie. The short end of it is that we did break up. Two years ago this coming February it would have been two years since I last talked to her.
The moral of my story, for me - not necessarily for everyone, is that LRDs are extremely hard. Since INFJs live in a fantasy world, playing through scenarios in their mind, they can come up with some really high hopes or paralyzing fears. In my case, I ended up with fears. For me, rejection was the worst possible scenario and the irrational fear of taking 2nd place behind kids, which Karen seemed to place a lot of importance on, became very real to me. Furthermore, talking about these irrational fears produced more fears of, "She'll think less of you once she discovers what you really are", sealed the deal that I couldn't talk about it honestly with her.
I am not proud of how I handled things at all. In fact, I think I chose to walk away from something really good. The end result of buying into my fears is that I dropped myself into a swamp of self-doubt. If I handled things so badly and couldn't be trusted back then... how can I ever trust myself again with someone else's heart. I haven't been on a dated anyone since Karen.
I wonder if you guys feel cheated. This story of a perfect relationship got off to such a good start, seemed to be going to well, and nothing but a promising future to it... you're right, in reality, all of those things are true. I hope that anyone whether possibly in a LRD, internet relationship, or normal relationship learns from my huge mistake. If you let fear drive, it goes badly. Don't let being an INFJ keep you from addressing fears you have, whether they are rational or irrational fears. When I chose to let fear control me, I predetermined the end of my relationship with Karen based on nothing but those fears.
I think that love is a two-way street of unconditional trust. If you love someone, you'll be real with you really are and how you really feel. Despite your shortcomings and ugliness as a person, they love you back when none of it matters to them. I haven't gotten to that place yet where I can trust that someone could really love me like that.
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