INFJs and feelings of being alone, different, disconnected or lost

[Saru Inc]

Idk. I find there's a difference between letting it out of the bottle, and drowning in it. When I tell people why I'm sad it's so I can move on, and well, not be sad. I don't want to be sad. However I've noticed people tend to just want to wallow in it, and refuse any help to get out of it. I guess I should just say "not my problem..." but I feel bad for them. And I get frustrated when I want to help them get out of it, only to find out they are just making shit up.

 

[Jana]

This forum is too full of self pity.

I oficially protest!

Let people vent if they need. You can't command moods...

 

[Blind Bandit]

Idk. I find there's a difference between letting it out of the bottle, and drowning in it. When I tell people why I'm sad it's so I can move on, and well, not be sad. I don't want to be sad. However I've noticed people tend to just want to wallow in it, and refuse any help to get out of it. I guess I should just say "not my problem..." but I feel bad for them. And I get frustrated when I want to help them get out of it, only to find out they are just making shit up.

You should know that many INFJs including myself are often told its wrong to feel what we do. And when its suppressed it festers and builds up. And unless we allow ourselves to feel what need to. We can't move on. Weather thats wallowing or not doesn't really matter. Sometimes its required.

 

[Saru Inc]

No, that doesn't make any sense. There is no need to wallow, nor is there anything that make INFJs exempt from the wallow pool. That's the one reason I knew I wasn't an INFJ, even though I typed as one. Everyone was so full of woe is me, it was bizarre.

 

[Lucidmoon]

That's the part of it that strikes me as well. It is noble to help others, but the energy drain is something that is constant for me. Absorbing all of the emotions, not even if I feel a responsibility to help them, because you can't help everyone you meet, but just the energy to block out all of these emotions is overwhelming for me sometimes. (I realize this may not make much sense, but will post anyway !)

Wow, I hadn't even articulated this yet. Thank you! That's exactly how I feel.

 

[bagelriffic]

Idk. I find there's a difference between letting it out of the bottle, and drowning in it. When I tell people why I'm sad it's so I can move on, and well, not be sad. I don't want to be sad. However I've noticed people tend to just want to wallow in it, and refuse any help to get out of it. I guess I should just say "not my problem..." but I feel bad for them. And I get frustrated when I want to help them get out of it, only to find out they are just making shit up.

you know i can see what you're saying here and to an extent i agree isolating/submerging ourselves in pain and pity can be counterproductive sometimes. with that said i think the intent here was to make connections of understanding with others who feel the same as we do, like a support group. sometimes its comforting to know one's not alone in feeling the way we do about something painful and the only way to know that is to talk to others, connect with others on similar feelings and in this case painful/sad experiences.
i agree infj's aren't the only mbti type to have problems in this area, but theres a possibility we have more specific scenarios and emotions that other mbti types might not feel as often and i think it makes it easier to feel vulnerable around those who are most likely to relate.

 

[randomsomeone]

I simply think differently from others around me and that by default seems to produce some form of social isolation, at least for my truer, more complete, inner self. It's not a cause for woe necessarily, it is what it is. I mean, people like me fine, they just don't know me, not really.

I do find some irony, however, in the idea that one can make choices in life, very good choices even, and that this somehow can shunt one off to the side, simply because the dominant culture is not all that interested in this sort of thing. I'm really not sure if this is a phenomenon of suburbia (where I live) or something else. I have had deep connections with friends in the past, say from Eastern Europe, than I do have with people here. It is these more connected friendships of long ago that tell me, yes, I am okay. Maybe it's that I'm just not fitting in here.

 

[Free Mind]

With my friends who are not 'true' friends I just have fun with them and live for the moment, it is fun but definitely not something I would always want to do, it just feels like I’m wasting my life by doing this, and becoming ignorant you could say. Feelings do play a big part in my life, and feeling a bit pushed away from the general crowd feels great IMO. Having someone beside you though whilst you go through these 'stages' is a necessity for me, I'm not quite sure how I would act whilst being alone all the time and dealing with this stuff…probably depressed. Having that person who would always stand by you, and in my case it’s 2 people, it’s 1 of the greatest feelings.

 

[mousie]

Throughout my life, I have felt this. There seems to be no cure. Love, romance, family, accomplishments, spirituality, money, friendships, helping others, none of these things ever touch the lost-ness. I don't know how else to describe it. It's not loneliness, depression, lack of enthusiasm, or unhappiness, it's not frustration, it's not a self-image issue, it's not a lack of fulfilment. Simply stating "I feel lost," seems to reference the outside world more. I'm speaking of the inside world - the reason I express it as lost-ness - it's like a part of me occupies non-existent non-space - like I'm part existing and part ghost. I'm beginning to think that this is simply an INFJ feeling, and I've recently taken the tack of learning to disregard it. Does anyone else experience this feeling?

I am exactly like this and I have a great life now. I sometimes cry because I want more friends but I have just recently come to the conclusion that I don't want more than my few best friends. I can relate so much with your part existing and part ghost. That sentence gave me chills when I read it because sometimes I imagine that I'm not living that I'm kind of a ghost in my life even though I have fulfillment in most of my life. I do think it can be explained a lot by the personality and it was a great relief to me to discover that I was a INFJ. It gave me kind of a permission to live my life so differently than most people. I have always been different than others and I have always known that but you try so hard in this world to fit in and I guess sometimes that has pulled me into myself even if I'm with 10 people having a great time. I am most comfortable and joyous when I'm with family even though half of them drive be nuts : ) But part ghost wow that really got me

 

[dj-elsa]

wow! it's amazing that i thought i was nuts for feeling so lost my whole life. as you said, not sad or unfulfilled, just like a void but not a good or bad one. sometimes i realize there is nothing there, just an empty feeling that is neither good nor bad, where most people seem to keep a mechanism for some kind of emotional judgement. sometimes i feel bad that i feel so disconnected. i feel like a whore because i dont really care when i date someone and they leave. i loved someone once, lots, i believe he must've been an infj. i'm not jaded because i'm still looking forward to the possibility of love, but i do worry that even the most intimate action of love-making inspires no connection for me. my parents are so kind to me, they really love me though i know they struggle to understand me. they tell me i should make sure to not sound arrogant to others, i don't understand that, though. i don't ever focus on other's lack of knowledge or limited abilities, i feel as if they, in their self-consciousness (which i don't feel i have much of), focus on my accomplishments and put that on themselves.

sometimes i don't feel lonely because my dreams are so vivid and my memories are so intact that i just "visit" people in my dreams. that really creeps out other people, like when i dream of their illnesses and tell em n then it's true. that's part of being infj, right? the creepy intuitiveness?

 

[dj-elsa]

wow! me, too. i mostly like my family cuz i understand them, n they understand i'm not trying to hurt anybody and give me credit for my efforts at being emotionally sensitive. they also give me space to be smart and encourage me to be more and more myself.

i always think of eintstein...he left his wife to marry elsa (that's my name!), his cousin, cuz he had too many problems with his wife. my cousin is now a quantum physics instructor at harvard. ewwwewwwwww! lol

 

[arbygil]

I simply think differently from others around me and that by default seems to produce some form of social isolation, at least for my truer, more complete, inner self. It's not a cause for woe necessarily, it is what it is. I mean, people like me fine, they just don't know me, not really.

I do find some irony, however, in the idea that one can make choices in life, very good choices even, and that this somehow can shunt one off to the side, simply because the dominant culture is not all that interested in this sort of thing. I'm really not sure if this is a phenomenon of suburbia (where I live) or something else. I have had deep connections with friends in the past, say from Eastern Europe, than I do have with people here. It is these more connected friendships of long ago that tell me, yes, I am okay. Maybe it's that I'm just not fitting in here.

No, that's just Texas.

 

[dj-elsa]

i call it going blank

of the inside world - the reason I express it as lost-ness - it's like a part of me occupies non-existent non-space - like I'm part existing and part ghost.

i have felt this lots lots LOTS throughout life and realize that the best way for me to feel more "there" is to be blank, to delve into the ghost part. and that lets me walk in their skin, really feel them out, almost literally, which is where i think lots of my "psychic-ish" experiences gain momentum

i'm lucky, tho, i have lots of people that don't let me fall thru the cracks in life. if it wasn't for them, i'd likely be living in a cave

 

[Stella]

I feel the title. Haha

 

[Galileo]

Do I feel alone?

I used to. I felt alone and so on for a long time, especially when I was a teenager. I hated that I had no friends and was considered an outcast by my peers. I wanted to be like them so badly, but at the same time I didn't, because I wouldn't ever trade caring for human rights, folk music or the environment over caring about parties and boys, which was just boring to me. But I learnt to find people who were like me and to accept that I was never going to have a huge circle of friends and to appreciate that because I wasn't going to be surrounding myself with shallow people.

Do I feel different?

Yes, but I am proud of that for the most part. It'd be a terribly boring world if we were all the same, and the world needs people who are different.

Do I feel disconnected?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I realise that my place in society isn't one where I'm running around with an active social life and doing all kinds of new and exciting things, and while I envy the people who do, at the same time I realise that me doing it wouldn't be me and I wouldn't enjoy that lifestyle at all. However sometimes I really wish it was, and sometimes I do do outragious things, but not because I feel disconnected because I'm an I, but mostly because people who are sighted try to put me in a box and tell me what I can and can't do, all for my own good of course. I feel that decision should be up to me and me alone. I'm torn between wanting to live a quiet life and wanting people to take notice of me for the right reasons and learn from, me.

Do I feel lost?

Yes, in a big way. I don't think I've truely found out exactly who I am as yet. It's a tough one for me, because I don't have any family, so I constantly feel like I don't belong, and have felt this way since I was 12 years of age. I also never really got close enough to be a part of anyone elses family. I always felt guilty and like some kind of gatecrasher who had no right to be there. I hated the fact that I spent my christmases essentially with people who took pity on me. I have to fight like hell not to feel this way around my own husband. There is a whole in my life that I've never really filled and it's this that can get me really down and depressed sometimes, because I feel I have no real place in the world, like I'm a drifter, and have no ties and bonds to other people.

 

[bickelz]

Alone? Yes. But I feel that I actually am alone a lot of the time. Sometimes it feels goo though and other times, it makes me want to go out and do some really stupid stuff.

Different? Definitely, but as to the degree that I am different, I still have some searching to do and things I need to admit to myself.

Disconnected? I think it's hard for me not to.

Lost? Oh yeah. I don't think that I'm in the place where I'm meant to be right now. I'm still pretty you but I feel like there is this whole side of me that has not really flourished yet. I also feel that this rare side of me is my true nature. Yet, I was raised to be a certain way and be a certain person that was literally like my mini-dad. I used to be a lot like him but after my parents split, I started to discover how much I am not like him. Again, I'm still expected to be the same person though. It's not just that I feel stagnant but that I feel there are things that weren't accomplished when I would have liked them to be in high school. I am discovering that the last six years of my life have been lived out of order.

 

[neverhood]

Throughout my life, I have felt this. There seems to be no cure. Love, romance, family, accomplishments, spirituality, money, friendships, helping others, none of these things ever touch the lost-ness. I don't know how else to describe it. It's not loneliness, depression, lack of enthusiasm, or unhappiness, it's not frustration, it's not a self-image issue, it's not a lack of fulfilment. Simply stating "I feel lost," seems to reference the outside world more. I'm speaking of the inside world - the reason I express it as lost-ness - it's like a part of me occupies non-existent non-space - like I'm part existing and part ghost. I'm beginning to think that this is simply an INFJ feeling, and I've recently taken the tack of learning to disregard it. Does anyone else experience this feeling?

oh wow, this is the closest thing to a description of the feeling, that ive ever heard of. yes i experience this too, its pretty much my life. when i read it i thought i was reading something i wrote. this post is a ray of hope for me. personally i think the only thing that will help is finding a place where you belong. after awhile it feels like the body is a vehicle for the soul, and the body cant project fully the soul and emotion, or something. its hard articulating this. its like the idea of the world, is a mirror...and when you look into it, theres nothing in the reflection.

 

[TigersGoRAWR]

I do feel alone sometimes, yes. But that's when I want to be alone... I detach myself from everyone really, and just have some me time to think and go in and out of dreams. There are times however, where I dont want to be alone... where I really want to talk to someone, or have a meaningful conversation with someone.. sometimes I need someone to listen to me moan about my past, or what happened in my day rather than me repeating everything to myself.

Having said that... I do like to be alone sometimes, just...not all the time.

I used to feel very alone several years ago, but not anymore.

 

[6string]

As I'm reading through these posts, I find that there are too many to respond to and agree with. I'm jsut glad to have found this group forum of others like me, so as to feel like less of an outsider. I've finally found a group that seems to understand. At work, it's easy to socialize becasue we have a common topic to discuss... but I'm so sick of talking about work on my breaks... but anything else seems like nonsense chatter. There are times When I step out for a smoke on my break, and when others follow me out, I kinda wish they had left me to myself... perhaps so I can regain some sense of energy or sense of self. I'm much more content, just watching the clouds pass by as the birds hop from tree to tree. Just reconnect with nature. Don't get me wrong, I love being able to be there for others and helping them to gain perspective in their chaotic lives, but sometimes it can be draining, especially since with most of them, I don't feel the same level of comfort to open up to them, so the energy is all flowing in one direction. But I am truly thankful for those true friends I've found along the way, the far and few between who have seen the best and worst of me, and with whom I can also confide. I wish more of us were so blessed.

 

[Sotengel]

I have to agree on most of what G.Kai said in this thread. Besides that I'm sorry for all the misspelling that will surely come in this post

As many others on this forum I have been that quiet person that sometimes slip out something deep which surprise the people around. Most often maybe being ridiculed for social lackness and unfortunately being meet with question mark stares. Always the outsider if im right...

But back to the main topic:

The best way I would describe that lonely feeling is that it feels like having a thick shield around you all the time, and that it's not taken off due to fear of being exposed to the world. I believe that "shield" must be one of the reasons we INFJs might be perceived as "aloof" or "distant" or my favourite: "cold", something which both interests and turns people off.
To make an example I have to mention my ENFJ friend who came up with this description of me: Your'e not real but at the same time the most real thing Iv'e met, and could you please start picking up the phone ?
Guess that's another normal thing for introverts.

As lately I have stopped trying to conform to the extrovert world. I'm proud to be the way I am, why should I change ? I am perfectly fin the way I am
Even tough the feeling of missing somethin important always drift back.