How do you know when you are ready for a relationship? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

How do you know when you are ready for a relationship?

Thanks Satya for this post!

Funny, but I've been wondering this myself recently. My first "love" actually, if you could call it that, made me realize that I wasn't mature enough to handle the heavy baggage of being in love. But now, as several people have already posted, I have felt a yearning too~ Also a sense that I am stable, steady, wanting a deep connection, and feeling at peace.

I feel like I'm mature enough now but I fear stepping into that dark ocean. I wish someone could just give me a shove. Especially since I've been eying someone in particularly lately ;P
 
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My philosophy on relationships is that none of us young people are fully ready for a relationship, but we should enter them anyway in order to get the practice. Even if you aren't in a relationship, you should observe other people and get what interactions you can in order to gain experience. Think about what you want in a person and a relationships, which implies thinking about what you want out of life, and that will help prepare you for a relationship. It is also important to learn how to interact positively with people, to not get angry over small things, to be understanding of differences.

I haven't been a relationship for well over a year now, and I find it painful, but I have learned much since that relationship and I have had some level of intimacy with friends- for which I am grateful.

I often wonder if I am really capable of handling a relationship and think to myself that I'm not ready. I have friends who are married and pregnant or with pregnant wives. I don't know how I'll ever be able to handle something like that. For me, asking a girl to have lunch with me seems to be too difficult. Women don't seem interested in me as a romantic partner.
 
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Dragon said:
My philosophy on relationships is that none of us young people are fully ready for a relationship, but we should enter them anyway in order to get the practice. Even if you aren't in a relationship, you should observe other people and get what interactions you can in order to gain experience. Think about what you want in a person and a relationships, which implies thinking about what you want out of life, and that will help prepare you for a relationship.

Dragon, nice post! I agree completely with you on that. For a while, I've been hiding under rocks in fear of love. But I know I need to face it straight on soon or later...and I get this tingly feeling that it should be NOW. It's very true---relationships are also something you need to practice and have experiences in. Lessons in life...ah, I feel like I'm ready for my first chapter in love.
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Satya said:
How do you know that you are mature enough and valuable enough to actually have a lasting relationship with someone?
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:(

If someone doesn't find you valuable or only values you for something you can achieve then you don't want that person anyway.

And if you don't value yourself then you need to work on that.
 
I've been debating with myself whether I want to go into another relationship.

It may just have been my last relationship was not very balanced (found the whole ordeal emotionally exhausting in the end). There's certainly positives to being in a relationship, but waking up in the morning and knowing you're free to do whatever you damn well please without worrying about someone else is hard to say no to.

hmm
 
Dragon said:
My philosophy on relationships is that none of us young people are fully ready for a relationship, but we should enter them anyway in order to get the practice. Even if you aren't in a relationship, you should observe other people and get what interactions you can in order to gain experience. Think about what you want in a person and a relationships, which implies thinking about what you want out of life, and that will help prepare you for a relationship. It is also important to learn how to interact positively with people, to not get angry over small things, to be understanding of differences.

I haven't been a relationship for well over a year now, and I find it painful, but I have learned much since that relationship and I have had some level of intimacy with friends- for which I am grateful.

I often wonder if I am really capable of handling a relationship and think to myself that I'm not ready. I have friends who are married and pregnant or with pregnant wives. I don't know how I'll ever be able to handle something like that. For me, asking a girl to have lunch with me seems to be too difficult. Women don't seem interested in me as a romantic partner.
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I can really relate to this.

I think I use this as an excuse for while I've been single for over 6 years.
Think about it... If you're incomplete on your own, I don't see how you can 'complete' yourself on your own to make yourself ready for a relationship.

Along those lines.. if you were at one point incomplete... became complete, got into a relationship, suffered some kind of loss and found yourself regressing due to shame or loneliness...

Have you now disqualified yourself from being a in a relationship? "Oops, guess I should break up now... Sorry babe, I'm not ready for a relationship anymore..." Hah, too late. You're IN a relationship already.

I wonder if this whole problem arises because of two fears:
1) Fears of rejection when we know what/who we want.
2) Fears that we won't find who/what we want.

Not being able to put a label on what we're experiencing is like torture for INFJs, the 'I'm just not ready for this' is our cop out cover-all label, IMO.
 
I think in a way its also cos we're afraid they'll not accept us once we've opened up and kick us away like most of the world does lol...

good will hunting after effects haha
 
I think most people will know when they're ready for a relationship and they know the best for themselves... and that's difficult to quantify. For me, I suppose the easiest way to decide if you're ready for a relationship would be a process of eliminating the wrong reasons for wanting a relationship:

* You feel you need a relationship to validate yourself / entirely complete yourself as a person. And by this, I mean that you think you're absolutely nothing without another person... without even knowing who they are yet. If that is the case, there's some growing up/soul searching that needs to be done here.

* Believing that a romantic partner will be the sole source of your happiness/solution to your problems.

*You're looking for a rebound/you're still hung up on another person.

I think the absence of all of those three, for me, would probably be a very large step in the right direction.
 
TheDaringHatTrick said:
* You feel you need a relationship to validate yourself / entirely complete yourself as a person. And by this, I mean that you think you're absolutely nothing without another person... without even knowing who they are yet. If that is the case, there's some growing up/soul searching that needs to be done here.

* Believing that a romantic partner will be the sole source of your happiness/solution to your problems.
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This, so very this.

You're ready when you no longer see being in a relationship as a way to fix your unhappiness, but as a way to make life even more fulfilling.
 
Grey Wolf said:
you have my vote for this thread. I'd like to know to. Been thinking the same thing for quite some time
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Same here I have no idea I wish I knew.
 
Eniko said:
This, so very this.

You're ready when you no longer see being in a relationship as a way to fix your unhappiness, but as a way to make life even more fulfilling.
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Definitely. It's more about the other person than an activity in getting something for yourself


I find it very rare for me to even fall for someone, so when it happens it's real. And very unexpected.
 
When you stop giving a shit about being in one- ie: you aren't needy for a relationship.
And, when you find someone who is worth putting in the effort for.
 
TheDaringHatTrick said:
I think most people will know when they're ready for a relationship and they know the best for themselves... and that's difficult to quantify. For me, I suppose the easiest way to decide if you're ready for a relationship would be a process of eliminating the wrong reasons for wanting a relationship:

* You feel you need a relationship to validate yourself / entirely complete yourself as a person. And by this, I mean that you think you're absolutely nothing without another person... without even knowing who they are yet. If that is the case, there's some growing up/soul searching that needs to be done here.

* Believing that a romantic partner will be the sole source of your happiness/solution to your problems.

*You're looking for a rebound/you're still hung up on another person.

I think the absence of all of those three, for me, would probably be a very large step in the right direction.
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Guess there is a reason afterall to why the universe is keeping me back, and showing me signs still. I am almost over all three of these, but not quite. Just a bit more to go.
 
Depends on what your ambitions are with a significant other. Do you want to start a family right away, or do you want to just be together for the moment?

I think regardless of your ambitions, you have to love yourself. By loving yourself, I mean being happy with, accepting, respecting, etc.

I personally had to work to shed a lot of my selfishness to be ready. I am still working hard on that, but I think it is important to make sure you are ready to give more than you take. This includes chores, compassion, insight, accountability, etc. If you can meet another that is on the same level you will have a truly wonderful relationship imo.

At some point in life, you have to expect that shit is going to hit the fan, nice feelings might temporarily go away, and you may not be too happy with your sweetie for a period. That's life, you need to be able to look past that and accept/work with your lover. In the meantime you better be able to emotionally support yourself through hardship without tryin to point blame on everyone else.
 
NeverAmI said:
Depends on what your ambitions are with a significant other. Do you want to start a family right away, or do you want to just be together for the moment?

I think regardless of your ambitions, you have to love yourself. By loving yourself, I mean being happy with, accepting, respecting, etc.

I personally had to work to shed a lot of my selfishness to be ready. I am still working hard on that, but I think it is important to make sure you are ready to give more than you take. This includes chores, compassion, insight, accountability, etc. If you can meet another that is on the same level you will have a truly wonderful relationship imo.

At some point in life, you have to expect that shit is going to hit the fan, nice feelings might temporarily go away, and you may not be too happy with your sweetie for a period. That's life, you need to be able to look past that and accept/work with your lover. In the meantime you better be able to emotionally support yourself through hardship without tryin to point blame on everyone else.
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true
 
You will know you are ready when you stop looking for one.
 
Crabby Lil Me said:
When you stop giving a shit about being in one- ie: you aren't needy for a relationship.
And, when you find someone who is worth putting in the effort for.
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I think it depends sometimes. I think it's nice to be in a relationship but I don't actively go out and seek one. I think I might have more expectations if I started dating off the bat. I would rather let things develop naturally. It's interesting when you find you have a connection with someone you never thought of having one with.
 
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