How can I gain an INFJ's forgiveness after fucking up in a major way? | INFJ Forum

How can I gain an INFJ's forgiveness after fucking up in a major way?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Loki, Jul 22, 2010.

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  1. Loki

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    EDIT as of 7/23/10: Two points of clarification that seem to be muddying the waters to some extent: First, there is no restraining order. Second, I have since cut the letter down to what was actually necessary, and it is now 9 pages long. Just so you know.

    Dear INFJs—



    I need your help. I need advice on how to gain the forgiveness of an INFJ who I treated very badly once upon a time. It takes me a lot to make me feel embarrassed or ashamed—sometimes I think I'm physiologically incapable of such feelings—but this story is bad enough that I certainly feel something akin to them. I'll try to be as brief as possible.

    When I was a young kid, I was a classic ENTP. Once I got into first grade, my ENTP-style weirdness and unconventional ways socially isolated me. I withdrew from the outer world and started acting like an introvert, which scrambled my personality and made me falsely test as an INTP for a number of years. Despite acting and thinking like an introvert, I retained the needs of an extrovert, which for obvious reasons made me very unhappy. Eventually, I became profoundly depressed. By 11th grade, I was convinced I was a worthless human being.

    Flash forward to a year ago, which was my first semester of college. At this point, I was seriously contemplating suicide. Then, for reasons that I still have trouble fathoming, an unbelievably sweet girl took me under her wing and initiated a relationship. I’m pretty sure this girl is an INFJ. She was so sweet that she started to coax my real ENTP personality out of hiding. I got completely emotionally dependent on her to supply me with the feeling of self-worth that I couldn’t give myself. Then she broke up with me because I think she got a little freaked out at how dependent I got. Then I may have kinda sorta tried to commit suicide.

    Believe it or not, that’s not the worst part. I hope you don’t find this disturbing. Just remember—the only difference between a comedy and a tragedy is that everybody dies at the end of a tragedy, and at the end of a comedy they live and everything gets resolved. Nobody died, so it's a comedy. So, because God loves me even though I don’t believe in him, it just so happened that every single knife in my dorm was completely dull, so cutting didn’t work. I realized I would have to hack with the knife to make it work, which terrified me…so I called the one person who could me the courage to do so. Which was her. Next thing I know, she’s gotten into my dorm with half of campus security, and as soon as they find me, she runs out of the dorm crying. After that, I was informed that if I spoke to her or wrote to her I would be expelled. Which was quite reasonable under the circumstances. Just so you know, I am fully aware of what an asshole I am. Feel free to remind me of it though, sometimes that’s helpful.

    I’ll spare you the overcoming adversity story that followed over the next year or so, but the ending is that I’m now a very happy and emotionally independent human being, and a well-rounded ENTP. And now, I want to be friends with the INFJ girl again. For the record, I am also aware that this is probably impossible, but you have to realize, I specialize in doing the impossible.

    I’ve found a nice, non-threatening loophole in the no-contact rule by which I can contact her. If I write an email to a mutual friend, I’ve discovered that the friend probably forwards it to the INFJ. I’ve written the email and am currently editing it. The most glaring flaw I can see at the moment is its absurd length (25 pages single-spaced). If any of you wanted to read over the draft and let me know what you think, I would be eternally grateful.
    Do you have any advice for me? How can I communicate in a way that she’ll listen? In this situation, what would you be able to hear? Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.

    —Loki
     
    #1 Loki, Jul 22, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2010
  2. IndigoSensor

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    tl;dr

    I didn't need to read it. In 90% of the cases, the answer is simple: time or never. If we are rooted in a distrust of someone, trying to fix it will make the rooting stronger. Step away from the situation.
     
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  3. Wyote

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    Yea, you're boned.
     
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  4. IndigoSensor

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    Ok now I read it, and I am going to be very blunt: Stay away from her on all accounts. Don't talk to her ever again. If she seeks you out, that is different, but that is extremely unlikely.
     
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  5. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    I read it all, but I agree with Indigo, actually. You're going to have to wait a really, really long time. A year won't cut it. You freaked her out and scared her in a major way, and it's going to take a long time to get through that. It takes INFJs an EXTREMELY long time to forgive. And when it's a deep emotional pain we never forget. You've broken her trust; that's the unpardonable sin.

    But if you really, really want to contact her through the third party, you don't need 25 pages to explain yourself. That would freak her out more. You just need to send two words through your friend, to her: "I'm sorry." I guarantee you those two humbling words will do far more than a 25 page letter, if you mean it. And when she's ready - if she's ever ready - she will contact *you.*
     
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  6. 894tt3h9

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    This is a tough one. I think maybe not enough time has passed for her to get over this. This is a pretty serious situation. I'm not going to cut you down about your actions because I understand how you must have felt during that time.

    I think part of her might like to know you're sorry and that you've changed, but on the other hand, I don't think she'll be open to a friendship any time in the near future. Having someone try to commit suicide and be very dependent on you can result in a lot of lasting damage and it'll be almost impossible to gain her forgiveness.

    I don't know if staying away FOREVER is the solution but I don't think at this point you should contact her for a while, especially if you're technically not supposed to be contacting her. If you have mutual friends she'll hear about you and how you're doing. You'll have to let that stand for itself.

    Like Indigo said, if she initiates, then that's great. Take it slow and rebuild step by step. But overstep your boundaries right now. It could make things a LOT worse.
     
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  7. 894tt3h9

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    p.s. I totally agree with Arbygil.... Do not send a 25 page letter. A short paragraph or even just "I'm sorry" will go WAY further than 25 pages.
     
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  8. Wyote

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    Yea, a 25 page apology/rant is just written affirmation that you are psycho.

    Bad idea. Stay away.
     
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  9. OP
    Loki

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    Hmm...all good advice, and all advice that I'll find hard to follow.

    Let me clarify why the letter is so long. The thing is, she already knows that I'm sorry. What I'm trying to do now is show her that I've changed. The letter is basically three things woven together: 1) an explanation of why what happened happened, so it doesn't seem so scary and so it can be seen that those issues are long past; 2) an account of some amusing ENTP-style adventure that I had recently; 3) and a brief description of the ENTP personality type. Does any of that sound like a good idea?
     
  10. IndigoSensor

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    Yeah, stay away from her.

    This is all a bad idea IMO. You're putting yourself before her, when in this case, she needs to be placed first. You're going to make things much worse.
     
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  11. Wyote

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    Nope.
     
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    #11 Wyote, Jul 22, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2010
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  12. Raccoon Love

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    I agree with Indy, you will end up making everything worst. This is an absolutely horrible idea and might make her to be more scared of you. Describing yourself in a long essay is of no good. Give her time to heal, you already apologized and she's probably thinking about it, if she wants to forget this and be left alone then it is best for her. Let time to the trick.
     
  13. Odyne

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    I am going to answer from a personal. I too have emotionally invested in a "fucked up" ENTP. He was very depressed for the longest time, and he had crazy mood swings, that no one in his circle of friends was able to understand...but me.

    I knew him well, I knew his flaws, I knew his qualities, I knew his ENTP nature very very well. No matter how much he tried, he could not hide it from me, and if he did, I'd bring it out on the table and make him face it, and help him solve his problems

    I have helped him through so much. From relationship failures, to family problems, to insecurities, you name it. I have even got out of my way many times over to make him smile and cheer him up. I have never asked anything in return, because I truly and honestly did want to help him.

    However, sometimes, he was really unappreciative and deceptive. He gave me promises that he never kept. He ridiculed my beliefs and my good nature. All that escalated, for the past three years, to this incident (that I am not going to disclose) where I needed him to be there and his presence really really mattered, and he knew that perfectly, but he chose to walk away, and blatantly said "I don't care".

    This is where I strongly relate to the breach of trust that you're friend is feeling.

    I walked out as well. I haven't spoken to him in almost half a year. He kept apologizing, and saying he was sorry, but I threw it ALL out the window. Not because I was playing hard to get, but because I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He did come to appreciate what I have done, but it was too late. All I think now is that I hope he never puts anyone else through what I have been through.

    I am sorry to tell you, but once that trust is destroyed, it is almost impossible to gain it back. I read your post, and your friend's situation is even more agonizing than what I have been through.

    My advice to you is: leave her alone. As simple as that. She is deeply hurt, and maybe even angry at you. If you want to apologize a simple " I am truly sorry" is enough. She is not likely to believe your 25 page essay, and she would not want to read/hear your excuses. So If you want to try, make it simple.

    If you're (extremely) lucky, she'll forgive you, but I really really doubt she'll want to be friends with you again.

    Also, be humble. Show that you are truly sorry. An attitude like " I specialize at the impossible" is not going to get you anywhere. She is not a mission to be accomplished. You need to be sensible and tremendously aware of the wrong you had done. If your letter doesn't show that, trust me, she will hard delete it like it was spam!
     
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  14. Billy

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    Beg, if you pissed off an infj most likely its because you hurt your image of you to them with some form of ego or pride, I will go back and read your post in a second, but beg, sacrifice your dignity so that they can see you are sorry.
     
  15. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    Well the way you're intending to contact her is a little deceptive, and the length of the letter is ridiculous. If she backed off because you were seeming too dependent, what you're planning to do now is just going to reignite those feelings. I agree with Arbygil, better to give her space and keep any kind of communication simple.
     
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  16. Russ84

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    If you feel you need to say anything, "I'm sorry for what I did to you" will go further and about anything, if you absolutely mean it. But, know that you will not be able to talk your way to forgiveness. Forgiveness, if it comes, will be on her terms. Nothing you could do or say would change that.
     
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    #16 Russ84, Jul 22, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2010
  17. Faye

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    I don't agree with the people telling you to never contact her. If she is an INFJ and you show genuine remorse and explain your situation well, I don't see why she would hold it against you. Tell her what you told us here; the letter doesn't need to be long, not much longer than what you wrote here.

    Don't send a 25 page letter though. At best, send her a short apology letter with things relevant to the apology, and save the rest of the letter. If you manage to start an email conversation with her (chances are that she will ignore you outright), then you can later put stuff from that letter into messages.
     
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  18. toska

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    It's possible she'll forgive you someday. I did something similar to an ESTP for years. I had no idea how awful I was until I started taking mood-stabilizing medications. He contacted me on his own after about a year and a half and I apologized finally...but we don't speak much. I wouldn't send that letter to her unless you really keep it short and to the point and make it clear that you now understand what you put her through. I think eventually she'll want to contact you on her own for closure and an apology.
     
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  19. JohnDoe

    JohnDoe Guest

    Forgiveness is not the same as going back to the way things were. You can't go back. There are some things in this world that can not be undone. For whatever it is worth, she has probably forgiven you. I am all too quick to forgive people, but that does not mean I will trust them again. Having said that, you are seeing someone actively about your suicidal thoughts right?
     
  20. Lilchamor

    Lilchamor Regular Poster

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    I couldn't agree more.

    INFJs have this bad habit of taken emotionally damaged people under their care. Unfortunately, people often take advantage of our kindness and selflessness. Be grateful for what she's done, and don't send that email.

    If you're as well as you say you are, you shouldn't need her friendship to be happy. If you're an ENTP, it shouldn't be that hard for you to find new friends. Yes, it hurts to let her go, but it's what you have to do. Don't make her your project. Give her the genuine respect she deserves, and let her go.
     
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