Do you tend to love people too much and too fast? | INFJ Forum

Do you tend to love people too much and too fast?

ensign_m

ensign_m

Newbie
Jul 3, 2008
30
1
0
Hello, fellow INFJers--

Just have a quick question for you all.

Do you tend to love people too much and too fast?

I do. I'm wondering if it's just me or if it's an INFJ tendency. Even though most people will say that I'm the friendliest person they've ever met, I never seem to have friends (...and I'm a really nice person. Trust me on this. Too nice, even). I'm thinking it might have to do with the fact that when I meet someone whose company I really enjoy (and these people are FEW and FAR BETWEEN), I tend to just want to inhale and absorb them (perhaps because they're so rare), but I'm not clingy or obsessive that way. Then, when I realize that they don't have that same intensity of feeling toward me at the same speed, I tend to back off and get into this self-preservation/protection mode. Anyone else have this issue? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
 
I'm actually find it difficult to "love" people. I often don't realize how important someone is to me until I've experienced their absence from my life. I've learned to shield myself from becoming too attached to people from fear of pain and disappointment. My friends tell me this makes me seem closed off and that I don't seem to communicate what I am actually feeling. My feelings are usually incredibly intense, and I am often very self concious about communicating those fears, apprehension, and concerns for they may offend friends. I actually bottle a lot of them up and release them in a storm once I'm safely behind my veil of anonymity on the internet.
 
Satya said:
I'm actually find it difficult to "love" people. I often don't realize how important someone is to me until I've experienced their absence from my life. I've learned to shield myself from becoming too attached to people from fear of pain and disappointment. My friends tell me this makes me seem closed off and that I don't seem to communicate what I am actually feeling. My feelings are usually incredibly intense, and I am often very self concious about communicating those fears, apprehension, and concerns for they may offend friends. I actually bottle a lot of them up and release them in a storm once I'm safely behind my veil of anonymity on the internet.
Click to expand...

I can relate to Satya, though, I think I had the problem of an easily broken heart more when I was still in high school. Though I seem to be a pretty powerful speaker, apparently. :)
 
Satya said:
I'm actually find it difficult to "love" people. I often don't realize how important someone is to me until I've experienced their absence from my life. I've learned to shield myself from becoming too attached to people from fear of pain and disappointment. My friends tell me this makes me seem closed off and that I don't seem to communicate what I am actually feeling. My feelings are usually incredibly intense, and I am often very self concious about communicating those fears, apprehension, and concerns for they may offend friends. I actually bottle a lot of them up and release them in a storm once I'm safely behind my veil of anonymity on the internet.
Click to expand...

Perhaps "love" isn't the right word I want to use here. I don't "love" people in general; I guess what I mean is that I find I am more or less am willing, fairly quickly, to do dedicate myself to the happiness of others, doing things for them that only someone with whom they've been in a relationship with for a long time might do, in order to secure their happiness. I suppose I meant "love" less as the emotion and more than the action. I think I "love" (action) people because I can't "love" (emotion) them, but still somehow want to show they're important to me, KWIM? Again, this applies to only a very, very small set of people in my life. Does any of this make sense?
 
ensign_m said:
Perhaps "love" isn't the right word I want to use here. I don't "love" people in general; I guess what I mean is that I find I am more or less am willing, fairly quickly, to do dedicate myself to the happiness of others, doing things for them that only someone with whom they've been in a relationship with for a long time might do, in order to secure their happiness. I suppose I meant "love" less as the emotion and more than the action. I think I "love" (action) people because I can't "love" (emotion) them, but still somehow want to show they're important to me, KWIM? Again, this applies to only a very, very small set of people in my life. Does any of this make sense?
Click to expand...

Perhaps. There are people in my life who I will go far out of my way to help. I get an extraordinary amount of gratification out of taking the initiative to be of service to these individuals in whatever way I can. If they were to ask me to help them, then it would ruin it. I have to sense the need and volunteer first in order to get that feeling. I've always wondered why I enjoy it so much, and perhaps it is an expression of care and appreciation that has to be purely motivated by my own desire to help.

Most other people though, I would require them to ask me to help. I would be offended if they just expected me to volunteer.
 
Satya said:
Perhaps. There are people in my life who I will go far out of my way to help. I get an extraordinary amount of gratification out of taking the initiative to be of service to these individuals in whatever way I can. If they were to ask me to help them, then it would ruin it. I have to sense the need and volunteer first in order to get that feeling. I've always wondered why I enjoy it so much, and perhaps it is an expression of care and appreciation that has to be purely motivated by my own desire to help.

Most other people though, I would require them to ask me to help. I would be offended if they just expected me to volunteer.
Click to expand...
+1

That makes me feel better. Case in point: I'll often volunteer to pick people up from the airport, people who I haven't known for a long time or known well for that matter. I've always been confused about why I do that for people who probably wouldn't even do the same for me. Makes sense that my desire to help is largely hedonistic.
 
ensign_m said:
Makes sense that my desire to help is largely hedonistic.
Click to expand...

That is a nice way of putting it. :)
 
I tend to help people out a lot, too....even total strangers. I can and have made friends (on some level anyway) very quickly, but in the paths I retrace every day that is very possible. In the end it all seems to be a good thing witin me and so I see no reason to stop even if others are not similarly inclined. I am careful not to be too friendly in certain situations, though, as I'm quite certain I am allergic to pepper spray.
 
Satya makes an excellent point. Anyone else here take more joy out of giving of your self/services/heart based on observed need vs personal request? I get that same feeling. Though I think my reason is based more on the autonomy of volunteering. There is much freedom to fulfull your personal expectations without the imposition of other people's.
 
ensign_m said:
I tend to just want to inhale and absorb them (perhaps because they're so rare), but I'm not clingy or obsessive that way. Then, when I realize that they don't have that same intensity of feeling toward me at the same speed, I tend to back off and get into this self-preservation/protection mode. Anyone else have this issue? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Click to expand...

Inhale and absorb them...
I love it! That is exactly how it feels for me when I meet someone I like. I will ask them all kinds of crazy questions, discover the patterns, connect the dots of the personal stories that they share and know them better than their mother ever will (unless their mom is an INFJ). But despite that intensity, I'll still only consider it "like" and not "love".

I have such a strong distinction between like and love because I've had two awful experiences with relationships. The first, a guy had fallen in love with me, but I never quite got to the same level as he did. Though I tried because I was young and thought he deserved a chance. He ended up being a rather controlling and suffocating type, that made me so afraid to date for three years after him. The second experience was where I had fallen too quickly for the guy and he just wasn't ready for any kind of relationship. It was one of those relationships that started out fiery and passionate and burned out even quicker. That relationship made me terrified of being so open and free with my feelings.
 
I'm generally nice and understanding of most everyone, but it takes a lot for me to "love" someone. I too, am afraid of being hurt, so I only love those who can understand me. I love only a few people, and are very selective about them. Speaking of romantic love, it is the same, except even more selective than with my friends. So it's generally hard for me to "fall in love" or even seriously like someone for that matter. It is even harder for me to "fall out of love" with someone i've loved THAT much.
 
yepunsarang said:
I'm generally nice and understanding of most everyone, but it takes a lot for me to "love" someone. I too, am afraid of being hurt, so I only love those who can understand me. I love only a few people, and are very selective about them. Speaking of romantic love, it is the same, except even more selective than with my friends. So it's generally hard for me to "fall in love" or even seriously like someone for that matter. It is even harder for me to "fall out of love" with someone i've loved THAT much.
Click to expand...
This makes me feel so much better knowing that others are like this. For the longest time i thought I was a cold-hearted b**** because I love VERY few people and rarely get close to others. I like many people but love like only .001% of them.
 
Confused Mind,

You def aren't the only one and for good reason! It's almost as if my strong-will prevents me from falling in love too quickly. My head rationalizes the losses and the gains from loving that someone. Usually, I feel like i'd put too much of myself into loving that someone, who doesn't deserve my everything.

It's not even being "cold-hearted" being so resilient with one's heart. We're just more cautious and sensitive of giving ourselves away...I think a large reason for this is because we know we always give so much away---especially to anyone we love. I'd say it's a double-edged sword.

I'm a very loving person---i'd even go as far as saying probably one of the most loving people anyone could meet. I know this so well, that I restrain myself from loving too many people who would step on my heart. This is where brains and resilience are needed!
 
yepunsarang said:
Confused Mind,

You def aren't the only one and for good reason! It's almost as if my strong-will prevents me from falling in love too quickly. My head rationalizes the losses and the gains from loving that someone. Usually, I feel like i'd put too much of myself into loving that someone, who doesn't deserve my everything.

It's not even being "cold-hearted" being so resilient with one's heart. We're just more cautious and sensitive of giving ourselves away...I think a large reason for this is because we know we always give so much away---especially to anyone we love. I'd say it's a double-edged sword.

I'm a very loving person---i'd even go as far as saying probably one of the most loving people anyone could meet. I know this so well, that I restrain myself from loving too many people who would step on my heart. This is where brains and resilience are needed!
Click to expand...
That's a great way to look at it. Thank you! Yeah, I think INFJs need to reserve our hearts because if we love or emotionally invest in too many people our psyche would be damaged greatly and it would be hard for us to recover. Thanks again. :)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
It could be because I'm older, but I really don't love people a lot. In fact, I have a small, select group of people that I care about and I can be somewhat reserved, even around my closest friends if they're bugging me too much. But if anyone needs something from me and I have the ability to give it, I usually will without thinking twice about it, regardless of who they are. They could be complete strangers but I might go and get them a coat if they look cold and it's raining out.

If I meet another INxx I'm far more relaxed and open, but I don't deluge them with questions, I don't think. I enjoy their company more that I do others, but nowadays it takes an extremely special individual for my barriers to come down if I'm meeting them face to face. It's happened, but it's more rare now than it's ever been. Maybe it's because the person who ended up hurting me most was an INxx, but that's neither here nor there.

Don't know if my reactions are good or a bad, tho'. :m080:
 
My motto in life is this:

"My love is limited."

I'm very selective about who I exert my love towards, because when I do love, I love hard and deeply. I have a limited amount of space, so I choose who to use it on accordingly.

I can count on one hand the number of people I REALLY love. There are those I'm fond of, but only a few who I love.
 
Wow, from this thread I've gotta assume that jesus wasn't an INFJ after all.
 
Yup, now and then this happens. If I meet someone, whom I feel I would form a very strong bond with, I will try to force the relationship much too much, and thusly could scare the person away. Mostly in the form of me trying to "show" who I am and what I am about to them. I will usually catch myself doing this after the first encounter and tone it down, and eventually normalize. This is few and far between, but it does happen.
 
Satya said:
I'm actually find it difficult to "love" people. I often don't realize how important someone is to me until I've experienced their absence from my life. I've learned to shield myself from becoming too attached to people from fear of pain and disappointment. My friends tell me this makes me seem closed off and that I don't seem to communicate what I am actually feeling. My feelings are usually incredibly intense, and I am often very self concious about communicating those fears, apprehension, and concerns for they may offend friends. I actually bottle a lot of them up and release them in a storm once I'm safely behind my veil of anonymity on the internet.
Click to expand...
I feel exactly the same way. Sometimes, I even wish that I wasn't even born so that I can't hurt anyone and they can't hurt me. :( I think it's something to do with us being too easily hurt and our dislike of conflict, in a way, we stop ourselves from being too close to other people as a defense mechanism, to help preserve our sense of emotional stability.
My friends don't tell me much, but certainly I get the impression that they know I'm quite secretive and don't communicate my emotions, but they realise and respect that. I have a tendency to keep many feelings within 'me'; this may partly be because I don't want to be a burden to them, I don't want them to feel like I'm placing my problems onto them. But I guess it also has something to do with my sense of privacy and the fact that I like to be on my own to think things through.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back