Do you feel the need to sabotage? | INFJ Forum

Do you feel the need to sabotage?

Altruistic Muse

Altruistic Muse

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Apr 6, 2009
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If ever things are going well, I always have an underlying desire to throw a spanner in the works. Never been sure why. If, in a relationship, I feel like I am liked more than I like (which hasn't been true often, but which my perspective asserts is true), I am cold, or I withdraw until "balance" is restored. I used to do this anyway, when I was younger. It was almost like, hey, I'm confused and have an intrinsic guilt and doubt as to whether I deserve happiness, so I'll stop this before it starts and make you unhappy too. Terrible stuff!
 
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Oh I'm hearing you loud and clear!!! Another self sabotager here! I think it is either because I feel like I don't deserve happiness like you also mentioned, and/or that if something is going well, it kinda freaks me out! Not used to things going well so when it does it feels odd. I have also read that this is common with enneagram type 4s, they are renouned for the push-pull behavior in relationships.
 
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I can relate, though I think mine is more inhibited. Rarely do I actually end up sabotaging myself, I think. Not sure; haven't had too much success with relationships.
 
I'm a fighter, not a saboteur. Life is hard. Get what you can WHILE you can and share what you can with others when you get it.

And I don't mean money or worldly things.

I mean your experiences and your heart.
 
No I never do, nor have I ever done that to a notable extent in the past. If I were in hindsight to discover that I self-sabotaged in some way, it would cause me more then enough pain to never do it again (once I learn the hard way, I never make the same mistake twice). I have "watched myself crash" several times in my life, but never where I was sabotaging myself. I could not live that way under any circumstances. That is not to say I have had times where I felt things were too good to be true, but I am usually able to quickly dissociate from those feelings, as dwelling on that will just kill my mood. However, it would never drive me to sabotage even on a subconscious level.

I think a large part of this is my very strong (almost overwhelming) desire to control myself. I could never allow myself to act in such a way that is completely counter to everything I live for and stand for.
 
I can't say I have actively sabotaged myself by doing something but my inner critic has been allowed to ferment ugly thoughts in my head at times. I am way harsher on myself than any outside force could be.
 
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4PN7Xbexq4"]YouTube - BEASTIE BOYS - SABOTAGE - High Quality[/ame]
 
Altruistic Muse said:
If ever things are going well, I always have an underlying desire to throw a spanner in the works. Never been sure why. If, in a relationship, I feel like I am liked more than I like (which hasn't been true often, but which my perspective asserts is true), I am cold, or I withdraw until "balance" is restored. I used to do this anyway, when I was younger. It was almost like, hey, I'm confused and have an intrinsic guilt and doubt as to whether I deserve happiness, so I'll stop this before it starts and make you unhappy too. Terrible stuff!
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Yes, although in a slightly different way. I think I sometimes can get terrified of the prospect that someone loves me, wants to be with me. This is a self esteem issue or whatever, but it causes me to sometimes lash out, withdraw or sabotage something good or to see bad things where bad things don't exist so I can justify pulling my feelings back because essentially I am just afraid of being hurt. And more importantly I am afraid of hurting others or being a disappointment to their expectations. I was feeling a bit of that this weekend at a bday party with my gf, and I lost Sat night to it (the dark brooding) but I was able to pull out of it yesterday to a degree and keep things going good. On 1 end part of me wanted to hurt her because of my own petty insecurities reflected in that she didnt get what they were (which is my fault I dont share them) But thank god I have matured enough that I didnt lash out like I have in the past and hurt her, I knew that I just needed time to get my head straight. I think it was a long weekend too and filled with crowds with kind of messes with me and sucks my will to be kind dry. So it was just a matter of explaining that to her and trying to keep things up.
 
BostonAndy said:
I'm a fighter, not a saboteur. Life is hard. Get what you can WHILE you can and share what you can with others when you get it.

And I don't mean money or worldly things.

I mean your experiences and your heart.
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^^^ This

I've seen some really lousy times during my life and I don't care to relive them. Good times and good people are precious to me, so I don't sabotage them. The world throws enough tribulations at me without having to create my own. Having said that, I can understand the mindset of a person thinking they don't deserve the good that befalls them ... or is worried about losing it so they make a pre-emptive strike. I've been friends with and in relationships with people who tend to do that. While I'm not into changing people, I have tried to convince some of them that they are worthy of happiness.
 
I think I'm pretty guilty of this at times. It is rooted in a fear of the unknown and loss of control. By creating bad situations out of good ones, I get accustomed to them, and as much as it sucks, I am in some twisted form of control over myself and the direction of my life.

Success is the unknown, and at times failure is a more comfortable place to be. Of course, I don't intentionally think about doing this, just for myself this is what I've worked it out to mean. I destroy because I'm still in control.
 
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I self sabotage unintentionally. I think at the heart of it is a fear of expectation which comes with success, so if things are going well, there's always the sense that i'm not doing something right or else it would be more difficult to deal with or handle. And sometimes, it's just a little easier to imagine the worst than to think that things are going pretty well. It's a matter of trying to prepare for the possibility that the bottom will fall out, and if it does, then i can argue (falsely :D) that it didn't work because it wasn't supposed to work out rather than acknowledge that i was the one who was making it harder for myself.
 
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no not really
 
There was a time in my life when I still had an internalized self-conception of being "bad." Based on this, I self-sabotaged regularly.

Thankfully, those times are over. I learned to accept myself - love myself even - and now if I fuck things up for myself, it's for a reason other than self-sabotage.

I mean FFS, this journey, while lovely at times, is hard enough as it is!


cheers,
Ian
 
i can definitely relate to not feeling like i deserve happiness... (oh man, you have no idea), but it's something i think i'm succeeding in overcoming. at the end of the day, it's probably unnecessary at best, and just plain stupid at worst.
 
No.

I prefer to distance myself and ignore the things which don't work, unless it is within my power to fix them.

Even then I usually give up in light of the wretched social inclinations involved.
 
Billy said:
Yes, although in a slightly different way. I think I sometimes can get terrified of the prospect that someone loves me, wants to be with me. This is a self esteem issue or whatever, but it causes me to sometimes lash out, withdraw or sabotage something good or to see bad things where bad things don't exist so I can justify pulling my feelings back because essentially I am just afraid of being hurt. And more importantly I am afraid of hurting others or being a disappointment to their expectations. I was feeling a bit of that this weekend at a bday party with my gf, and I lost Sat night to it (the dark brooding) but I was able to pull out of it yesterday to a degree and keep things going good. On 1 end part of me wanted to hurt her because of my own petty insecurities reflected in that she didnt get what they were (which is my fault I dont share them) But thank god I have matured enough that I didnt lash out like I have in the past and hurt her, I knew that I just needed time to get my head straight. I think it was a long weekend too and filled with crowds with kind of messes with me and sucks my will to be kind dry. So it was just a matter of explaining that to her and trying to keep things up.
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sigh....^^this^^ :m075: really sucks. I am understanding it better now and trying to grow out of it.. ;) always a work in progress..
 
I absolutely have this urge - I was just thinking about it today. I have to fight it. Its like when life gets to easy I just feel the need to wreck it !! Actually in grade 12 psychology I remember that this trait is more common in women, but don't remember exactly why. I think it may come from guilt of not feeling they deserve to have things so easy or so good. Maybe it comes from liking a challeng (nah) or from wanting to let the men rein on top so as not to disturb them so they will accept us as partners.
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I didn't read your full post before posting my comment was more in regars to women and acheivement, not relationships.
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Maybe people who sabotage relationships have a belief (maybe they witness their parents divorce) that their relationships are just not ever going to work out, and since they believe this even though we strive to be happy most of the time, we hold that belief in the back of our minds, and it gets at us, and pokes at us, or won't leave us alone, so we then get so annoyed waiting for the end to come, or for the uncertanty so we decide, "okay I will just ruin it myself" so we can have the mental peace of mind, and then accept that it in fact did not work out ---- or maybe you are just testing it!
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I subconsciously sabbotage myself, when I am doing something I really (deep-down) don't want to do.
 
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