Can you truly love someone you don't trust? | INFJ Forum

Can you truly love someone you don't trust?

Discussion in 'Philosophy and Religion' started by Satya, Sep 11, 2009.

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  1. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Thoughts?
     
  2. The Jester

    No I don't think so, at least I wouldn't, because I think trust and loyalty are very important.
     
  3. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    Me?

    Well seeing as I don't believe in love, sure.

    I think what makes a relationship is communication and trust.

    If you aint trustin someone, you're suspicious of them. Whoever heard of prince/ess charming who -might- be stealing you jewelry but you're not sure and still want to hang on to them?

    Usually people deem things like that unhealthy.
     
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  4. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    Yes. There's something in the idea that we can never really trust anybody, and this can be a stumbling block and a cause of considerable emotional turmoil, however, I believe that if we accept the idea that people as a whole are untrustworthy, we can work on loving them anyway, without placing a burden of infallibility on them, or setting ourselves up for later disillusionment. I'm not saying it's easy. I've had to work through some hurtful betrayals, before I began to see that I had been assisting my own unhappiness by expecting too much. Life can be and is a fairytale, for me at least, but with clarity, compassion and forgiveness, it is possible to have a close and magical relationship that takes into account that happy endings can mean different things to different people.
     
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  5. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    What he said.
     
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  6. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    I don't believe you can have true love that way (if it exists), or even a decent relationship is there is little or no trust on one side or both.
    A relationship is balanced precariously with it's supports being trust and compromise (in my opinion), and without one of these, it will tumble down and become something different (infatuation, jelousy, lust) but not love.
     
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  7. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    No, not at all. I couldn't even love someone without trusting them first. Trust is more important than love for me, I think; if I trust you, then I can love you. If I can't trust you, then you'll never know me 100%...which means you'll never have me.
     
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  8. Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    Pretty much.

    Too many will mess with us. So trust is paramount.
     
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  9. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    No. You'd be more focused on controlling the person's actions either overtly or covertly to actually care about them. Staying with someone you don't trust basically means you don't respect yourself enough to date someone you do trust. It's desperation, and I don't think you can ever love someone you are with if you are with them out of desperation for fear of being alone.
     
  10. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    well I mean, it depends on what you mean by trust. Like there are certain things I know I can't trsust about my dad, things I can't count on him for yet I love him all the same, so I would say yes you definately can.
    Maybe I'm not protective enough or controling enough of my feeling because I actually love a lot of ppl I know I can't trust not to hurt me. But really nobody's perfect. can you really trust anyone 100%?
    I don't know. I guess you can trust a person for something that you know you can count on them for, their strengths, but i don't totally trust anyone. I'm pretty realistic (in that sense :p). But still I definately love a lot of ppl. :)
     
    #10 foureyes, Sep 11, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2009
  11. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Or perhaps we need to define "love", foureyes. Our parents will always be our parents, and even when they hurt us we can still love them. But that's a different kind of love to me. It's also a different kind of trust.

    If I'm talking about a lover or a potential lover, then I don't know them at all and I'll have to trust them first. I learned to trust my parents as an infant far before I knew what love meant. I think an infant's first reaction is trust, because they don't know what emotions are. We can lose trust in our parents, but we had to have that trust to begin with - and we know what that means before we understand what love means.
     
  12. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Hell no. Not at all.
     
  13. sassafras

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    Is it possible to love someone you don't trust? Yeah, it's possible. I see it done all the time.

    Would I personally love someone I don't trust? Gray area. I think I would not fall in love with someone I didn't trust. But if it were a close family member or a child of mine, frankly, I would love them nonetheless... but our relationship would be strained.

    After the fact, I don't think love can be something that can be rationalized. Trust is rational. You have some evidence, whether emotional or situational, that you base your decision on; to trust or not to trust. More often than not, it's a conscious decision. Love, on the other hand, is much more complex because it dips further into the realm of the irrational and subconscious.

    Mind you, I agree that love can always be tempered by reason. Intellectually, you might know that this person is no good for you, and intellectually, you know how you must adjust your behaviour and how you should react to the situation. The challenge is always trying to bringyour actions and thoughts to transcend those powerful feelings. And those feelings, if it is real love, are often difficult to eradicate. Even if something as colossal as TRUST is broken.

    Love, to me at least, is too complex of an emotion to apply one-size-fits-all generalizations. Trust is a very important sentiment. But I think love, with its irrational power, can be an especially potent trump card.

    So, I would have to say it depends on the situation, and it depends on the two people.
     
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    #13 sassafras, Sep 12, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2009
  14. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Those feelings remaining after trust is lost, exist because you would remember the 'good times.' It's a form of denial.
     
  15. Naxx

    Naxx Permanent Fixture

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    There are various degrees of love. you can love someone can still not trust them; just like how you can also love someone and still physical or/and mentally abuse them.

    There are combinations for all emotions, however without trust the chances of the relationship remaining healthy for longer periods of time is slim.
     
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    #15 Naxx, Sep 12, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2009
  16. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    You cannot love someone and abuse them.
    Love is not just an emotion.

    The love you are talking about when it comes to abuse is possessiveness and obsession.
    Love doesn't destroy.
     
  17. sassafras

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    Or you could call it hope.

    Neither of which, mind you, are very rational. But I would think that there are situations wherein second chances are possible... If you love someone, you would like them to show their very best, and give them the opportunity to demonstrate that they can learn and grow from their mistakes. And you would be ready to forgive them. I wouldn't be so quick to wave that off as a non-genuine feeling.

    But again, I think it entirely depends on the situation. Such as how many times this person has betrayed one's trust, or how deep of a line they've cut into the relationship with their actions. It also depends on the depth of one's feelings, and the nature of their relationship.

    Would you stop loving your child just because you don't know where he goes on Saturday nights, and you're not entirely sure he's going to keep to his promise not to shoot up heroin? That's a big betrayal of trust. Does that mean you stop loving them? That there's not hope that he can turn the tide, and that you're relationship can be whole again? I think trust is VERY important, but its not always a conditional factor when it comes to love.
     
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    #17 sassafras, Sep 12, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2009
  18. Gaze

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    The question seems to be whether you can, not whether we should. There is no easy answer to that question. It's not good for anyone to love someone you can't trust, but love is not always reciprocal. Sometimes we love, and love deeply, without truly "trusting." And trusting can mean knowing the person well, feeling that they have your best interests at heart, or whether you can trust them with your feelings. Love is not always balanced. Sometimes, the problem is not that we know we can't trust them, but that we can't trust our own ability to judge their trustworthiness for ourselves. It could also be that a partner can't trust themselves to give us what we want or need. You can know someone can't be "trusted" and still love them. The fact that this is not good, is another issue.

    :m035:
     
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    #18 Gaze, Sep 12, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2009
  19. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I find it so hard to trust anyways, so much so that it's embarrasing for me ... I almost feel parranoid as aposed to being able to trust. I feel a HUGE sense of betrayal when my trust is broken, after that, a little piece of me in the relationship dies and I have a deep inner sadness that symbolizes the damage done; it's like a horrible stain. I know that this is why throughout the yrs, I have become a very paradoxaly selfish/selfless person when in love.
     
  20. Bored Now

    On Holiday

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    I wouldn't trust my mother to tell me the truth about the weather, but I still love her in a general sort of way. I trust her to act purely out of self interest so I always know where I stand, which is a little bit like trust. I trust her to be her, if that makes sense.

    Romantic love without trust. Hell no.
     
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