Anything wrong with being feminine? | INFJ Forum

Anything wrong with being feminine?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Raccoon Love, Nov 26, 2009.

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  1. Raccoon Love

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    I have always been a pretty feminine person, not what your average guy would be into. The TV shows that I love, talk about, the fact that I experience a sudden rage of emotions, I cry easily for anything considered ''sad'',the music that I listen too..all has been described as feminine by many, as a matter of fact ''gay'' was one of the words people would always shout at me all the time, after discussing this in the chat, I have been getting some advice, however, some was to stop being so effeminate and like things other guys would typically will, basically change my person because unfortunately in society, this gender stereotypes is what things should be, but I do not want to change who I am. I love fantasy,,caring for others, introversion and I don't want to change this away. Do you think there's anything wrong with not wanting to change even though it is said to survive in society this is needed?
     
  2. Moxie

    Moxie Absent-Minded Professor

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    Just don't measure you're worth by how you're perceived my anyone else.

    You are what you are, and we love you for it!
     
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  3. Questingpoet

    Questingpoet Not Afraid to Use His Beard
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    Here is a male INFJ persective on this. I think the fact the we are NF's and thus more sensitive is always going to be perceived by society as "off". Sesitivity is alway associated with the femenant. If you are a guy and you show a lot of emotion, espicailly the softer ones like kindness and empathy, you are going to be labeled this way. It's wrong but that's how it is. When I was younger especially, I got labeled as "gay" all the time. An easy label to describe why I was how I was--an NF.

    My advice to you is to embrace who you are and let everyone else figure out how to deal with it. If you are straight forward and call people out on there sterotyping, they will back down. If someone calls you a pussy because you are showing empathy, ask them why it's so wrong to show feelings for someones troubles--or whatever the case may be. Look them in the eye and be sincere. It works more than you might think.

    You may want to try and control youself a bit more too as even a woman is going to be given a hard time for emotional outbursts in public. Not right, again, but the way it is.
     
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  4. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    True....it is the pathetic masculine stereotypes that are off-base. Sensitivity, empathy, artistic and spiritual awareness, gentleness, nurturing are all well within the realm of the masculine and I call "foul" on the stereotypes that say otherwise. Yes, there may be a particularly masculine expression of these...I can see this possibility. From what I observe a lot of the macho, manly swagger is simply a mask for scared little grown-up children. A real man lives in a more full, complete set of capabilities.
     
  5. Moxie

    Moxie Absent-Minded Professor

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    I love this! Well said!
     
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  6. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    I thought you were a girl :eek:hwell:
    Regardless of whether you should or not, I think it would be difficult to change your personality. You could change your overt behavior, but your natural instincts and underlying motivations would remain, since they are based on your genes and past experiences. If I were you I'd relax, be myself, and try not to worry about what people think. Most people are indifferent anyway.

    By the way, I'm a female and I'm accused of not being feminine enough :D The social stigma cuts both ways.
     
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  7. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    I have a very clear feminine side. I have no problem with it.

    I think we NFJs tend to be very androgynous, both males and females.

    My only advice would be to focus on both. Develop your male side and your female side. You'll be an amazing person.
     
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  8. the

    the Si master race.
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    Not if you are a woman.
     
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  9. sassafras

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    Is there anything wrong with being feminine? No. There isn't. You have a right to be who you are and not be ashamed of it. But at the same time, as much as people are challenging your fundamental views of what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour for a male, you're also challenging theirs... and that's always going to produce friction.

    I think there has to be a balance. Mind your own business, do your own thing, but resist the urge to preach against stereotyping. If someone asks if you're gay, tell them that you can see where they might get that impression, but you're just a sensitive guy and confirm that you are straight. If they continue jibing you, calmly ask them why your sexual orientation is of such concern for them.

    Easier said then done, I know. You can have the most biting remark ready but if you they smell an ounce of fear in you, your beliefs and behaviours, whether they're feminine, masculine, or anything else, are going to be ridiculed until you build up your confidence.

    Personally, I don't think these people bother you because you demonstrate feminine behaviour; I think they bother you because they see you as an easy mark and the 'feminine' thing is easy to fixate on and ridicule. There are lots of people who have had brush with bullying, and the only thing that they have had in common is poor self-esteem and the inability to stand up for themselves.

    I think you need to look into self-acceptance and some confidence building strategies rather than ponder the complexity of gender stereotyping. Be true to yourself, don't change for anyone... but be prepared to stand up for yourself. Once you do, I guarantee that the majority of them will leave you alone (I say majority, and not all, because some people really are incurable jackasses... everyone has at least two or three of them in their lives).

    Be who you are and be okay with it.
     
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    #9 sassafras, Nov 26, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2009
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  10. Gaze

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    :m083:
     
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  11. sassafras

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  12. OP
    Raccoon Love

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    well thank you, I'm glad you clear this up, yes I do have self-confidence/self-stem issues...I was just a bit confuse about what some people in the chat where saying yesterday like quitting all the feminine music, join football, talk more ''guy stuff'' etc etc..I'm not interested in any of this activities and I don't want to have to forcefully change myself and that's what has been bothering me..I want to improve my self-stem and be able to socialize better without having to chnage who I am inside.
     
  13. Stellar Affinity

    Stellar Affinity Community Member

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    I agree with pretty much everyone else. And like Von Hase said, I myself also have a feminine side. I actually think that it's good to possess qualities of both energies.

    At the end of the day, all you can do is be yourself. If people don't like you for who you are, then you don't have to put up with their opinion. It's quite simply, really. There will be people who will befriend you for you and won't mind. : )
     
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    #13 Stellar Affinity, Nov 26, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2009
  14. sassafras

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    I was going to add that if you're confident in who you are as an effeminate male, even if people aren't going to agree with you, if you're okay and confident with who you are, that vibe alone is going to keep them off-balance. People are just going to assume you probably have good reasons for believing this. And most people are less inclined to question beliefs that are backed by another person's certainty.
     
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    #14 sassafras, Nov 26, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2009
  15. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I don't know why, but so much of this is based on a very narrow construct that somebody, somewhere seemed to just make up! The more you know/grasp about life in general, the more options you really have available. The more you know about music, the broader your musical tastes will be. The more you know about sports, the more you might find other options available (I like Formula One, not football). I dislike it when our immediate culture limits our thinking about the array of options we have for interests and behaviors and, sadly, I see this happen all the time. It's just a weird kind of social pressure. It looms large in our minds, but really all we have to do is stroll right past it...the barriers are all a bit of haze.

    In the end, there nothing you can do about the crowd and the dynamics of the same, but it does take a good bit of internal courage and grit to explore and define yourself around your own highest good and the truth within you, regardless of what others may think.
     
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  16. bs98r3kjf

    bs98r3kjf Well-known member

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    TDHT, what you said speaks VOLUMES. I used to have low self-esteem so I know this from experience. Once you build up that self-esteem lose that fear and realize that you're worth so much more than what some people think you're worth, it becomes so easy to to defend yourself, without even trying. You don't even have to say anything. People look at me now and even though I'm so different, they clearly see my strength (inner-strength, I'm not even that physically strong and I'm not big either) they don't even dare mess with me. And I don't have an intimidating nature. I respect everyone and I am very kind to people as well, but I also let my self-confidence shine. Embrace who you are and don't be afraid of ANYBODY! Seriously, people take advantage of fear and then they just pick on you because THEY CAN when you're afraid. When I was younger, I went through many hardships because I was always so afraid of people, and it was within reason because I was constantly picked on a kid. But once you realize that you deserve way better, everything turns around, almost 180 degrees, and people respect you more than they respect themselves sometimes. I had an epiphany during 11th grade and I told myself that I was beautiful and amazing and worth so much more than I thought. It's amazing what self-confidence can do. And learn to look people in the eye. It may not seem like a huge part of it. But it really is. Don't be afraid of who you are and just let who you are shine. I know it sounds cliche but its something I experienced. People not only respect you after you build your self-confidence, people somehow become addicted to you and look up to you without you even realizing it sometimes. Not saying I wanted to have people become addicted to my personality. But I'm just stressing how important building your self-confidence and letting go of that fear is and what it can do.
     
  17. sassafras

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    Fly Away, if you don't mind sharing, what steps did you take to build up your confidence and self-esteem? What did you realize? What was your defining moment that turned things around for you?
     
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  18. Gaze

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    There's a saying, "Necessity is the mother of invention." So, you could think of it in this way, conform where necessary but you are your own invention.
     
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  19. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    It's good to be in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides (why do you think the pagan god of nature was both male and female?). It means you're more balanced.
    I have to say that I always thought my behaviour was not feminine (not very masculine, but not feminine) so I was surprised when one of my friends said they needed a dose of my femininity to counter-act my sister acting masculine ^^"
    It's weird when you compare how you see yourself to how others see you.
     
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  20. sassafras

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    Which pagan god of nature are we talking about here?
     
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