That reminded me of a horoscope which I read in the school newspaper back in my freshman year of high school:
"Aquarius: Do you remember that song 'Age of Aquarius?' Well consider this the day the music died. From now on, nothing good will ever happen to you again for the rest of your life."
I also remember that the same issue contained another one something like this:
"Cancer: Like all cancers, you have a tough outer layer and have difficulty opening up to show people who you really are inside: a tasty seafood dish. Of you let your guard down even for a moment people will eat you alive."