Hi again, sorry to bug you all with yet another thread about helping me figure things out!! 
Also, I'm not sure if this should be here or in the emotional support section; move if you think necessary!
I like the fact that this forum is full of Christians, Pagans and otherwise Spiritual people. I have been wondering lately about placing trust in something outside of myself. To give things that are hard for me to bear, up to a Higher Power. My issue is this:
I grew up with parents who did not go to Church. Their ideas was that Religion was a crutch, and that it was often used and abused to help people not take responsibility for their own lives. Basically, they had a hard time with those who didn't seem to have an opinion on anything which came from themselves, rather than from a Bible passage. I guess I grew up believeing this too.
Now I am in a 12 step program in a family of the addict group. I am not the addict, but I have come to understand that due to other people in my life's influence as an effect of their addictions, I myself have become sick in my own ways. Emotionally unhealthy etc. all that good stuff. Step one is to admit I am powerless over someone elses behavior, and that I need to trust in a Higher Power to help me get through. As a Spiritualist, I chose my Higher Power to be "Energy". A Universal Oneness that ties into Karma; you get out of life what you put into it.
During my life, I have always tried to placate. Be the peacemaker, and at times I have had to be the warrior when things got so bad. Neither one had me feeling good about myself. Both of which I was blaming myself for to some degree. Trouble is that when I look back to the distant and not so distant past, I see myself putting into life all the love and empathy I had to give, but always seemed to have to struggle both inside myself and literally irl. I have lost trust in everything. This is where I am Spiritually ill. I place my troubles in the hands of something I cannot see, feels scary and risky, and I feel hesitant to do it because it has not worked out before, even when I have got down on my knees and prayed.
There was a time that I went to Church. I sang in a Church Chior in my early 20's when I was married. I had asked God into my heart when I was a young teenager, but "He" seemed to always forget about me somehow. Somehow I was the one who kept being placed in danger while growing up and no one ever saw or tried to help me, so I learned to not trust in others and just rely on myself. When I did try and turn to others, I recall getting into trouble and being blamed for things or beaten. I understand now that those things never were my fault, and that the reactions of others was simply due to their own dysfunctions. Trouble is now, how do I try again to trust in "God"?
I blogged about this. I asked these questions: When do we end, and when does God begin? When does God end, and we begin?
I would very much appreciate some feedback from anyone else who might understand. Has anyone else had to struggle with the 12 steps of recovery for someone elses addictions? I never asked for all this, I think that feels the worst, because I see now how it affects me in my life, and ultimately for my children. I so badly want to be a healthy mother for them, and I need to be Spiritually healthier. I trust in Nature, but as a comfort and connection. Not so much as a Savior to give up my problems to and make better for me if that makes any sense at all.
Thanks everyone!
Ria.
Also, I'm not sure if this should be here or in the emotional support section; move if you think necessary!I like the fact that this forum is full of Christians, Pagans and otherwise Spiritual people. I have been wondering lately about placing trust in something outside of myself. To give things that are hard for me to bear, up to a Higher Power. My issue is this:
I grew up with parents who did not go to Church. Their ideas was that Religion was a crutch, and that it was often used and abused to help people not take responsibility for their own lives. Basically, they had a hard time with those who didn't seem to have an opinion on anything which came from themselves, rather than from a Bible passage. I guess I grew up believeing this too.
Now I am in a 12 step program in a family of the addict group. I am not the addict, but I have come to understand that due to other people in my life's influence as an effect of their addictions, I myself have become sick in my own ways. Emotionally unhealthy etc. all that good stuff. Step one is to admit I am powerless over someone elses behavior, and that I need to trust in a Higher Power to help me get through. As a Spiritualist, I chose my Higher Power to be "Energy". A Universal Oneness that ties into Karma; you get out of life what you put into it.
During my life, I have always tried to placate. Be the peacemaker, and at times I have had to be the warrior when things got so bad. Neither one had me feeling good about myself. Both of which I was blaming myself for to some degree. Trouble is that when I look back to the distant and not so distant past, I see myself putting into life all the love and empathy I had to give, but always seemed to have to struggle both inside myself and literally irl. I have lost trust in everything. This is where I am Spiritually ill. I place my troubles in the hands of something I cannot see, feels scary and risky, and I feel hesitant to do it because it has not worked out before, even when I have got down on my knees and prayed.
There was a time that I went to Church. I sang in a Church Chior in my early 20's when I was married. I had asked God into my heart when I was a young teenager, but "He" seemed to always forget about me somehow. Somehow I was the one who kept being placed in danger while growing up and no one ever saw or tried to help me, so I learned to not trust in others and just rely on myself. When I did try and turn to others, I recall getting into trouble and being blamed for things or beaten. I understand now that those things never were my fault, and that the reactions of others was simply due to their own dysfunctions. Trouble is now, how do I try again to trust in "God"?
I blogged about this. I asked these questions: When do we end, and when does God begin? When does God end, and we begin?
I would very much appreciate some feedback from anyone else who might understand. Has anyone else had to struggle with the 12 steps of recovery for someone elses addictions? I never asked for all this, I think that feels the worst, because I see now how it affects me in my life, and ultimately for my children. I so badly want to be a healthy mother for them, and I need to be Spiritually healthier. I trust in Nature, but as a comfort and connection. Not so much as a Savior to give up my problems to and make better for me if that makes any sense at all.
Thanks everyone!
Ria.
