The Burnout Cycle of INFJ's

[Saram]

I like this post.

I went into a 'retraction' for several years. Coming up for air sometimes. My health started to fail with it, so I see it almost a sort of sickness. Health scares is what shook me out of it. I can't retract anymore at home. My husband won't let me. When he sees it pulling he tells me to go skating, or go for a walk, and pours on the tenderness. That seems to reverse it. I retracted for about a month at work in October though, and I had to appologize to people for being so uncharitable. I told my co-workers I needed a month. I forced myself out of it after that, because they were good enough to give me space. But it was something I needed to do. I don't like hurting others.

 

[Siamese cat]

There's a type of burnout lately that I've noticed is fairly unique to INFJ's and ENFJ's but with INFJ's it's got it's own unique flavor. ENFJ's can go out and get lots of support from their friends and be relatively alright. INFJ's have to do one of the hardest things in the world to prevent their burnouts. They have to say 'no' to the pain of other people.

Now, what do I mean by burn out? Well, an INFJ begins helping people with the best of intentions and digging out little pieces of their psyche, rebuilding them emotionally when things have gone poorly and comforting the hurts of the moment. It's one important way that many INFJ's validate themselves and often it becomes a veritable lifelong purpose to see other people healed.

If an INFJ is not in good control of themselves and their lives, they begin to seek more and more validation through this healing process and spend more and more time on it until their empathy begins to atrophy and they collapse. The collapse generally means they can take back some control in their lives. It's an excuse to drive away people for long enough to get some space inside their own minds.

Once the burnout happens it generally takes the form of a fairly dramatic collapse and change in behavior. Some people go mute temporarily. Others just hermit in and close themselves off from people for days or weeks. Once the burn-out is done, the INFJ generally re-emerges a happier and friendlier person...but if the stress isn't off it begins again.

I've been in this cycle before and lemme tell ya, it sucks.

What I want to know is...well, aside the obvious unpleasantness of it...have you noticed long term changes that come out of sliding into this cycle? What are the benefits? What have been your experiences?

I appreciate these, as you called them burnouts. I feel like I've grown a bit more after every single one of them.

It was harder going through them, but it seems to get easier over the years. Maybe because I know myself better, and am better prepared for them, maybe because I have some understanding from those around me who know me best and understand that they are actually helping me by letting me have some distance and peace and quiet.

 

[dark_angel]

I have noticed changes over the years good and bad. I have learnt to "bounce back" quicker but with the disillusionment that comes with time and intensifies with a heightened self-awareness I seem to become more wary of investing into that black hole. I lessen who I interact with and mostly nowadays I do not shut down totally but go into a robotic one syllable response mode while keeping a friendly demeanour which can last a few hours to a few days. It seems to have a better impact than the total shutdown and is easier for me to then re-engage as well as not enstranging the few I have chosen to invest in.

It is easier for those I interact with and explain as much as you will they just do not seem to grasp the extent of who I am in a favourable fashion so I rather do not explain what I need and why. But in doing this I never really recharge unless per chance I have a day or two totally alone so it feels as if a piece of you dies or is dying.

I rather do this as the fall out from lashing out is more hurtful to me.

 

[just me]

I think we can give ourselves too much credit for being too much different. When we discern things deeply, is it something to make such a fuss over? Someone has to do it, don't they? Why not one of us? What; are we supposed to stand in line with everyone else and wait for them to help? Roll up your sleeves and get with it.

It generally takes me minimum three years to get over someone or even a pet very close to me. Throw in trying to help them when their health was going south and those years can feel like a lifetime. Does it make me stronger when I bounce back? Never really bounced back, so who am I to say? Maybe I feel a bit more numb. The trips to the cemetary get a bit easier; the trips where I buried my favorite dog get easier. I feel no stronger; maybe just a little less apt to get hurt as badly.

Can an outsider call this the inability to cope? They would be sooooo misinformed. Maybe I have to cope with a lot more than most people try to emulate or understand? Complain? Not me. Used to it? Maybe. Know it's coming? Yes. Costly? Yes. Beneficial? Hmmm. I'll give that a possibility. Necessary? It seems to be part of life, so I would say it is necessary.

It is interesting to watch others that have not the abilities to understand what one is going through, to notice something is not right and try to "help", though. That is a part of human nature I like to see. That gives me faith in humankind and may very well be the turning point of getting my life back to where it may have once been.

 

[sweetea]

Try thinking of a longer cycle if you really want to get an idea of how this can affect an INFJ and those around you. Try a marriage of 15 -20 years of supporting, nurturing, being patient, helping, and giving. Then the slow realization that you were throwing your time, love, emotions, ...blood sweat and tears into a black hole of emotion and intellect. Then you start to see the down side of being an INFJ.

Absolutely. BTDT. Only the last year or so I'm less and less able to "recharge" and throw energy at it again.

I've become a lot more detached* from people over the last few years. It's changed me. I'm way more willing to tell others to go f--- themselves now. And I'm learning to TAKE now...and not feel guilty.

I'll be more myself when I can get out of this mess.

*edited - ya know I should clarify. Detached = less willing to be jerked around by others bs. I'm actually a bit more social now. But I leave a social situation if I'm tired by it...and don't make a lot of excuses for my behavior now. I'm just cordial...and do what I want.

 

[Chamomile]

I've definitely been here. I've lost myself almost fully by becoming so wrapped up and invested in a boyfriend's reconstruction of his life. I get out gracefully every time by taking some time alone and visualizing intensely that I have a daughter in the exact position I am in. I think about what I would want her to do and why I'd want her to do that. Then I open my eyes, say 'What about me?' and I do whatever I would want my own daughter to do. Just gotta be your own parent when nobody else will

 

[Phage]

You always have such good posts, Chessie. I <3 you.

 

[Chessie]

I've had some hits and misses lately... The last top ten list was mostly a product of a severe hang-over, too little sleep, and four days at a convention.

 

[lunus]

If an INFJ is not in good control of themselves and their lives, they begin to seek more and more validation through this healing process and spend more and more time on it until their empathy begins to atrophy and they collapse. The collapse generally means they can take back some control in their lives. It's an excuse to drive away people for long enough to get some space inside their own minds.

Once the burnout happens it generally takes the form of a fairly dramatic collapse and change in behavior. Some people go mute temporarily. Others just hermit in and close themselves off from people for days or weeks. Once the burn-out is done, the INFJ generally re-emerges a happier and friendlier person...but if the stress isn't off it begins again.

I'm especially aware of this. When I was younger, I had a harder time of it as people thought I was being moody, my friends and my partner accept it as me now.

I realise it's my way of recharging ready to go back and take on the world again. They can be very disturbing though and can be rather sudden. My best way of dealing with it is to always have a book waiting, or perhaps a TV series recorded and go get a good stock of your favourite soft drink to just indulge in and forget about the real world for a while. Recharge little and often, or else you'll crash big.

 

[WellNoWonder]

I'm not sure how correct this is, but I have read it being referred to as the Ni/Ti loop. Please correct me if I am wrong.

I sort of look at as going down into a curved valley and coming out at the opposite side, rather than a dark hole. I'm able to turn around and look down (and across) at previous events and see why they caused me to withdraw.

What I want to know is...well, aside the obvious unpleasantness of it...have you noticed long term changes that come out of sliding into this cycle? What are the benefits? What have been your experiences?

I'm generally more refreshed, more cautious without the guilt (sometimes being protective of myself makes me feel guilty, as I don't like to not give people a chance). I feel a weight off of my chest.

I went through a long withdrawal period from my extended family. It really hurt in the beginning, because I'd never done this before, and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. However, I was able to better take care of myself and my immediate family. To see the improvements in my family's life led me to believe that there was a positive purpose for the shutdown.

Now I'm okay with only seeing them every once in a while. I still love them, they love me, but a healthy distance is what keeps me sane. And as I get a bit older... (just kidding hee hee), it happens less frequently in any type of relationship.

 

[lunus]

Now I'm okay with only seeing them every once in a while. I still love them, they love me, but a healthy distance is what keeps me sane.

Having distance between my family and I keeps me sane too. Living at home, with two parents and a brother who just didn't understand me was hellish: to this day my mother describes me as selfish and without empathy, or always suspects I'm keeping secrets. I love them dearly, but at arm's length most of the time!

I did ask them a few years back, under the guise of a project for some university study, to discover their MBTI - I have them written down somewhere. They were all pragmatic types, totally incompatible with someone who ponders and reflects.

 

[dream echo]

For the last eight years I'd been working second shift as a CNA in a nursing home, while trying to raise three teenagers. With the multiple problems of both of these areas, combined with other personal reasons, I ended up being run down and sick all the time. I stopped being able to bounce back from anything. I ignored the signs, for reasons I thought were good and noble at the time, and ended up in a pretty dark place. Total burn-out and an emotional breakdown.

I'm still digging myself out of that despair. Not going to lie; there have been a lot of setbacks. But I hope to take away from this experience that I cannot keep going without recharging my emotions with things I find positive and inspiring. If I want to be a compassionate, empathetic counselor and assist others, I must heed the counsel of my inner self. And my self tells me that I don't need to be constantly vigilant to the needs of others and fix everything before I can rest; I am worthy of taking the time that I need to myself.

 

[soulseeker]

awww.... it's so nice that there's still lot of helpful people out there bwahahahha ) )

well.. I think it's okay to have burnout cycles ) I have a lot of those and I feel bad after but i guess I just have to let it out in another way.

but like what you mentioned above.. yeah I know I give out a lot of love but I don't get even half in return... and that I kind of learned to not mind. Loving for me is still loving...fine don't love me.. but i still love you ) <---that doesn't apply romantically for me bwahahhaha

sometimes, it hurts sometimes it doesn't... maybe most of the time it hurts but i don't mind it so it piles up and becomes a burnout cycle for me

There's always a time where i get tired of giving and giving and giving without receiving anything in return so I kind of let go and just "give up" <--- but end up giving again ) )

I believe that if you keep coming back for something, and you think it's your passion, then maybe you're made for that. PLUS, there's nothing wrong in loving people and serving them so even if they don't return it to me, as long as I made them happy and feel loved even once in their life, maybe I'd be sad when I realize that when I need help, it's almost as if I have to hunt down people just to help me ) ) hahahah

BUT in the end, if I think about it, the contentment I can get from serving and loving others will always be greater than the contentment I can get from receiving all the love ..... but I'm not superhuman.. I also need help and love so as long as I have people who are close to me, I'd do fine

 

[sweetea]

They were all pragmatic types, totally incompatible with someone who ponders and reflects.

I really need to know what types are generally incompatible with INJF's... coz I refuse to get involved again with another type that doesn't 'get it'.

 

[Trifoilum]

Yeah, well said; have been in these cycles in more ways than one, I recognized bits and hints of the pattern of myself... I think the simplest solution is to tap / evoke / summon / use / whatever you might want to call your function.

To break through the cycle and deal with what were supposed to be done. Or maybe I should say to focus.

I personally am dealing with stalled goal; Se is my answer. Se is...unbridled. Unlike Ni's desire fit everything in our one grand design, Fe's desire to make people agree with our views, and Ti's desire to fit it all in our own framework. Se just do.it.until.done.fullstop.

Some might have different function to use, but the keypoint is to focus eliminate the problem as opposed to...well, our burnout cycle, looking meta-wise, seems like a cyclical defense. Defense-regenerate-defense-repeat ad infinitum.

Of course, easier said than done. *sigh*

I would say it's the same as INTJ; only I imagine INTJ would suffer from dying creativity when looked from outside (Te suffering as opposed to Fe)

 

[Lurker]

precisely
now how do I get out ?

Only help those deserving of your efforts, and try to make sure those people you invest in are going to be receptive to changing things for the better so you are not constantly taking on the same kind of pain.

 

[Jana]

Feeling of rush hour in my head...is that sign of this? Right now I have need to travel somewhere where nobody knows me

 

[Firefly]

That totally describes how I feel MOST of the time .... but iv only just realised that. At least now I know why im mostly always tired and dont want to go anywhere, let alone deal with anyone.

 

[Chessie]

Feeling of rush hour in my head...is that sign of this? Right now I have need to travel somewhere where nobody knows me

Yeah...that's a pretty good sign of INFJ burn-out. I've always wanted to start a kind of half-way house for people like us. Someplace they could retreat to and take care of themselves for a week or so where nobody they know can get in touch with them and then they can leave and go out and save the world.

 

[dream echo]

Here's a poem from my blog which describes this INFJ feeling. I wrote it before I knew I was INFJ.


GIVE AND TAKE

You keep on giving, taking
Nothing for yourself;
Bits and pieces of your life
Given up, sold like organs
On the black market.
Marrow sacrificed and blood donated
Tissue and hair and all this time
Lending an ear, a hand;
Pouring out your heart and soul
Into a glass for someone else to drink.

How much longer can you keep
Giving yourself away
Before you cease to exist?