Secrets; do you have any?

Jill Hives

Jill Hives

fhtagn
Retired Staff
MBTI
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
I don't want to hear actual secrets but this is something I have been wondering about...

I am of the opinion that there isn't a single person without some form of skeleton in their closet. I'm perfectly fine with the fact that I will never be able to know every single little detail about someone I am close to. In fact sometimes, I think I would much rather not to.

Are there certain things about yourself or memories that you will likely never reveal to anyone? Does it bother you if you know someone close to you is this way? If you are good enough friends with someone do you feel betrayed if you realize they are purposefully keeping information from you? I mean in the sense that I am assuming this information has no direct connection to your relationship with this person and doesn't serve to harm you in any way.
 
when i chit-chat with random people i feel like the biggest liar.

i don't want to talk about nothing with people, i don't want to pretend to care or act like i'm interested. yet i do, because others do this with ease. it's part of human interaction. i have to do it or else i am deemed a "snob", or "anti-social". or my favorite - people thinking i have a low self esteem. maybe, just maybe, i don't say anything because i don't have anything good to say? what about that?

(and btw, i understand this wasn't really what you were looking for. but it came to mind so i was like oh well =)
 
Jill Hives said:

Are there certain things about yourself or memories that you will likely never reveal to anyone? Does it bother you if you know someone close to you is this way? If you are good enough friends with someone do you feel betrayed if you realize they are purposefully keeping information from you? I mean in the sense that I am assuming this information has no direct connection to your relationship with this person and doesn't serve to harm you in any way.
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Yes, I have secrets. Yes, I will take them to my grave. <-- that makes it sound like they eat at me all the time or something. They don't. But I've known since they came to be that they would never be told to a single soul. Partly because its nobody's business but mine, and partly because it won't hurt the people I don't tell. They'll gain nothing by knowing and I could never fully explain them out of context.

I was bothered when someone close to me kept secrets before I understood type stuff more. Especially reading how its normal for INFJ's to be 'secretive.' It made me forgive myself for keeping mine and honestly if I hadn't received such criticism for the secrets I shared in the past, I might share the ones I'm keeping with me now. Secrets are just natural and necessary to some people. I'd rather them weigh on me forever than forever worry about if the person I told really understands them.

As for someone I love keeping secrets from me, It depends on the secret and as long as I'm not lied to about it, its usually ok. If I ask my boyfriend if he's ever cheated on someone before and he lies and tells me no, thats messed up as hell to lie about and finding out its a lie can be a dealbreaker for me. Its not usually that they've done it, but that they can't man up and own a mistake makes me not trust them. However, him declining to tell me that he once made out with a guy when he went through a bisexual phase, no harm done in keeping that to himself if its a sensitive topic. It wouldn't change anything if I knew or not. I think it all goes back to the motivation behind keeping it. Insecurity, self-protection, or gain?

I think secrets that protect the shame felt from events or whatnot used in stuff like getting to know yourself (and the bumpy road of mistakes that often goes with it) are usually okay to never tell. When it starts getting in the way of honest answers to direct questions, I don't like it.
 
aerosol said:
when i chit-chat with random people i feel like the biggest liar.

i don't want to talk about nothing with people, i don't want to pretend to care or act like i'm interested. yet i do, because others do this with ease. it's part of human interaction. i have to do it or else i am deemed a "snob", or "anti-social". or my favorite - people thinking i have a low self esteem. maybe, just maybe, i don't say anything because i don't have anything good to say? what about that?

(and btw, i understand this wasn't really what you were looking for. but it came to mind so i was like oh well =)
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I would say this is definitely relevant to the topic at hand, so no worries.

This is something that happens to me too. I think it might be from overactive Fe sometimes, because I wear myself out catering to everyone elses emotions and then neglect my own needs so easily. I do act like I care and that I am interested because it sucks to hurt some ones feelings, but it can be such a drain.

But there are plenty of things I don't say to people to avoid hurting feelings. It's something I should probably work on really, I have the self assertion skills of a rock.
 
aerosol said:
when i chit-chat with random people i feel like the biggest liar.

i don't want to talk about nothing with people, i don't want to pretend to care or act like i'm interested. yet i do, because others do this with ease. it's part of human interaction. i have to do it or else i am deemed a "snob", or "anti-social". or my favorite - people thinking i have a low self esteem. maybe, just maybe, i don't say anything because i don't have anything good to say? what about that?

(and btw, i understand this wasn't really what you were looking for. but it came to mind so i was like oh well =)
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this

also, I have grown to feel insecure when I do not have secrets
 
Yes Ive got secrets, most not even worth mentioning, what would be the point in letting everyone know. If my friends, had secrets, I wouldn't feel betrayed, because who would I be to talk with my own. Only time Ive really felt betrayed, is when I found out my best friend slept with my ex.. and didn't have the guts to tell me.


aerosol said:
maybe, just maybe, i don't say anything because i don't have anything good to say? what about that?
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I get like this as well.
 
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Chamomile said:
Yes, I have secrets. Yes, I will take them to my grave. <-- that makes it sound like they eat at me all the time or something. They don't. But I've known since they came to be that they would never be told to a single soul. Partly because its nobody's business but mine, and partly because it won't hurt the people I don't tell. They'll gain nothing by knowing and I could never fully explain them out of context.

I was bothered when someone close to me kept secrets before I understood type stuff more. Especially reading how its normal for INFJ's to be 'secretive.' It made me forgive myself for keeping mine and honestly if I hadn't received such criticism for the secrets I shared in the past, I might share the ones I'm keeping with me now. Secrets are just natural and necessary to some people. I'd rather them weigh on me forever than forever worry about if the person I told really understands them.

As for someone I love keeping secrets from me, It depends on the secret and as long as I'm not lied to about it, its usually ok. If I ask my boyfriend if he's ever cheated on someone before and he lies and tells me no, thats messed up as hell to lie about and finding out its a lie can be a dealbreaker for me. Its not usually that they've done it, but that they can't man up and own a mistake makes me not trust them. However, him declining to tell me that he once made out with a guy when he went through a bisexual phase, no harm done in keeping that to himself if its a sensitive topic. It wouldn't change anything if I knew or not. I think it all goes back to the motivation behind keeping it. Insecurity, self-protection, or gain?
I think secrets that protect the shame felt from events or whatnot used in stuff like getting to know yourself (and the bumpy road of mistakes that often goes with it) are usually okay to never tell. When it starts getting in the way of honest answers to direct questions, I don't like it.
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I agree with all of this, especially the bolded bits.
 
I believe most people have secrets they'll never tell, some from guilt, fear or shame.
I know I have more than a few of my own, and assume that others aren't so different.

Some secrets of my own I will share, if I feel it is relevant, in a close relationship.
Others I will never tell.

While I like the idea of absolute honesty, I realize there are just some things that are better left buried.
When a truth serves no purpose but to harm, it is wisest to leave it unsaid.
 
Yes, but the reason is because those secrets are about others not myself and cause pains no one in my opinion could understand and they would read more into it than what is there. I am typically honest about what I've personally done especially with those I love and trust.
 
Jill Hives said:

Are there certain things about yourself or memories that you will likely never reveal to anyone?

I am of the opinion that there isn't a single person without some form of skeleton in their closet.

Does it bother you if you know someone close to you is this way?

If you are good enough friends with someone do you feel betrayed if you realize they are purposefully keeping information from you?
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1) Yes.
2) I agree entirely with that opinion.
3) Not at all, though I would be curious.
4) No, but that might depend upon how that information relates to me.

To me, those skeletons in the closet are a sign of humanity, or rather fallibility, which is something that we all hold in common as much as we may minimize it or idealize the thought of being completely blameless. I don't mean to glorify our failings, but I think that there is a certain sense of fealty in me towards those who have made grave mistakes, even repeatedly, so long as they strive to make positive changes.
 
I have shared all my different secrets to different friends, but I hate hiding things. I break down from guilt and I need to say the truth to someone. Though I do keep secrets from my parents. I just don't feel close to them and I feel uncomfortable expressing who I really am in front of them.

Other than my parents, I always have to have everything out in the open. I don't like secrets. I would rather feel the pain of truth than live a lie.

If my friends keep secrets, that's fine unless it is something major that affects me. With a significant other, I prefer they confide everything with me. No secrets.
 
I have a secret that I will never, ever tell another person. It's just the best way for everyone.
 
although i am reserved, i wouldn't say i'm a secretive person. i can't keep things to myself very easily. i don't really have any secrets, unless it counts as a secret that you don't just go up to someone and tell them outright that you truly dislike them and would rather not pretend. which i don't really think is the same thing as a secret exactly. i'm an open book. i come out and tell people my secrets if they ask. all you have to do is spend a bit of time with me 1 on 1 in a social situation and you can learn anything you want to about me. i'm sure i've written all of my "secrets" on this forum at one time or another.

lately i've been trying to keep a secret as a way of motivating myself. i'm not sure if it's working. partly because it's not an important secret at all but a sort of artificial secret that is a secret just because i decided i wouldn't tell anyone. i forgot about having to remind myself of it until i saw this thread.
 
people do know when i don't like them and would rather not pretend though, even if i don't directly tell them. i'm just not a secretive person in any sense.
 
Some of you may enjoy a short article called 'The Hidden Costs Of Hidden Stigma' written by Daniel Wegner. It's about thought suppression, keeping of secrets and the toll it takes on a person as they expend more and more mental energy on maintaining the facade and/or rigid adherence to secrecy.

It's located here - 10th article down.
 
1 and a half about. But nothing I'm really ashamed of, just don't see the point in dredging things up.
 
Jill Hives said:
I don't want to hear actual secrets but this is something I have been wondering about...

I am of the opinion that there isn't a single person without some form of skeleton in their closet. I'm perfectly fine with the fact that I will never be able to know every single little detail about someone I am close to. In fact sometimes, I think I would much rather not to.

Are there certain things about yourself or memories that you will likely never reveal to anyone? Does it bother you if you know someone close to you is this way? If you are good enough friends with someone do you feel betrayed if you realize they are purposefully keeping information from you? I mean in the sense that I am assuming this information has no direct connection to your relationship with this person and doesn't serve to harm you in any way.
Click to expand...

Yes there are some things I will never reveal. I know it sounds kind of weird but I actually like having secrets. It's almost like I need them to feel like me or something.
 
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