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ONLY him/her FOREVER

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by soulseeker, Feb 22, 2010.

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  1. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    most of you here have husbands and wife..

    so I'm thinking that maybe some could answer this..... how did you all sustain your relationship?

    I mean I feel really really really bad about these stuff... because maybe my family is miserable.... my uncles' and aunts' families are broken

    I am affected by it REALLY...see people cheating on each other... seeing people regretting their marriage... seeing people lose interest in their partner....seeing people feel hurt

    how were you all able to decide that you will marry that person?
    of course you're aware that you will be committed to that person ONLY


    well... I just wanted to ask this because I just want to know if people can really sustain their love and respect for each other

    can one really stay committed to the other? <--- I really feel hopeless about this these days.......

    if they can stay committed to the other.. what if it's not forever?
     
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  2. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Yeah, that scares me a lot. I'm really interested in replies to this question as well.
     
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  3. OP
    soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    it scares me too because..... I see how the morals of people are kind of degrading......

    especially in relationships..... it seems that some people don't take it seriously anymore... it's just THAT simple to them.... it never was supposed to be THAT simple

    and I'm afraid to grow up and find myself marrying a man who never thought of commitment

    it disturbs me really, how people get into a relationship that easily... I mean you're dealing with people, with emotions.. with something that takes a lot of responsibility.

    I'm afraid that only a few people will realize how big that responsibility is.
     
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  4. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

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    I think that no one can promise to stay forever in a relationship or marriage. Good marriage for me is a question of faith in other person and the level of commitment both persons are willing to sustain. I think that even some marriages that ended with divorce were good ones for some time, but if one person in that marriage changes (and some changes are inevitable), or both, and they are not willing to compromise over that, than that marriage can't last or turns into a bad one.

    My parents are in a marriage that lasts for 27 years now, and I'd say that it's a good one. But there are no guarantees that it will last forever, and in my opinion there shouldn't be because people grow apart for various reasons, and knowing when to stop torturing yourself and others is something I value a great deal in people.

    When marrying someone and giving wows you are essentially promising that you'll do best to sustain that marriage as you both shall live, but you are not promising never to leave, never to cheat, never to even betray other person in any way. Call me cynical, but if someone would try to promise me that I wouldn't marry them in the first place, that's just denying nature of people, and life's obstacles that are bound to be in a way of that marriage sometime.
     
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    #4 Siamese cat, Feb 22, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
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  5. OP
    soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    Isn't that sad?

    I think people marry other people for definitely love.( <--except in arranged marriages)

    for me, I want to have that protected feeling that.... you won't have to find another person because you already found that person who will love you unconditionally and someone who understands you

    I know there are not perfect couples but....... wouldn't that hurt so bad?

    being so unsure.... loving that person and ending up knowing that she/he doesn't anymore?

    well.... nothing is definite and permanent....and so, it can not be avoided that things will change but..... that will hurt so much
     
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  6. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    Yes it's possible. It's entirely possible, but it's rare to find two people with exactly the same ideals and views on commitment, who are also attracted to each other and have enough in common for a long term relationship to work. I don't think marriage is neccessary, if two people both believe in long term commitment with each other. I also don't think it will help those who have differing views and expectations - more likely it will make things worse for them over time. Most likely, I wouldn't have married, if it hadn't been for VISA requirements, at least not in that way, and not because I didn't feel strongly enough at the time - just that marriage goes against my views. It creates a codependency, where there doesn't need to be one. A ceremony and anniversaries can still be celebrated without making yourself legally entangled with another person. It's not natural really - to make a legal contract out of something spiritual, at least how I see things.
    The other thing to bear in mind is that people themselves change over time, or through circumstances, so even with the best will in the world - if the person you're in a relationship with changes, then it will more than likely affect the relationship itself - perhaps positively, perhaps negatively. The important thing is to keep talking, through the changes, and not to let resentments build up.
     
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  7. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

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    It's not sad at all (not for me at least), because if someone could fulfill that promise that would mean that once in a committed relationship people don't have to worry if there will be problems ahead of them, and consequently they would stop growing as a persons and merge into one big married person (which is something that grosses and saddens me most). Obstacles and the very thing that you have to believe and have faith in your commitment is something that gives you space to grow as a couple and as individuals. There are no guarantees in life (except death and tax as someone would say :p) and that is what makes it so exciting and worth living. You can have security with someone, but in order to share it in a relationship you first have to feel secure by yourself, to be mature enough to know that you can be by yourself and with others, and commit to yourself and others.
     
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  8. anica

    anica dark dreamer
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    My understanding of what you're looking for in a marriage is protection...from being alone and, as far as I know, nothing can do that--not friends, lovers, husbands, wives, children. In my view all we have is ourselves. As someone said--of course I can't remember who at this hour--we come into this world alone and die the same way. That doesn't mean we can't love and take joy in relationships with others. Some of those relationships do last a lifetime and that's a great gift, but our relationship with ourselves must and will sustain us throughout our lives.
     
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  9. OP
    soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    yeah I am alone
     
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  10. testing

    On Holiday

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    Soulseeker, it's complicated.

    I am not sure if everyone is cut out for long-term monogamy, seems that is something that few people value these days. I have been with my husband 20 years (part of that time married, part living together) and we love each other very, very much and I see no reason why we wouldn't want to be together for the next 20 years and the 20 years after that!

    But, people change. Relationships change. (That's one reason, I believe, that marriage is attractive to so many people -- it provides them that unchanging, stable document that stays the same even though they and the world around them change constantly.) Its more a matter of growing together rather than growing apart, or growing stagnant.

    Respect and trust are so important -- as is sex! :-D So is friendship. It also helps if you are naturally domestically inclined, as you will get more satisfaction from marriage that way.

    Regarding fairness: it's NEVER 50/50 but if both partners feel that the variation and fluctuations between 60/40; 30/70 even 80/20 even out in the end then that's fair. Too many couples get in a score-keeping mode, and that just kills love & affection. As long as it is not 90/10 and stuck there.

    And the thing people forget so easily is when you marry someone, it is because you want to build a life with them -- oftentimes a family -- and that is a lot different from dating. Many people are only interested in dating and romance, and while that is part of marriage, it is not really what marriage is about.

    Plus, let's face it: for most women, especially young ones, if you tempt them with sparkly diamonds and gorgoeus white dresses and little babies, it leads to less in the way of critical, sensible thought, and that leads people to make mistakes and go into marriage with wrong expectations. You can hardly blame them.
     
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  11. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    I disagree,many couples do stay married till death do they part, it's just that that number is quickly falling. There is a lot that goes into marriage love, respect, faithfulness, forgiveness. It's not simple and it's not easy but it's more the possible.
     
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  12. enigma

    enigma Armed and Fabulous!

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    I have a lot to say on this, but I am having a hard time processing it all....

    My husband and i have been together over 13 years. Our relationship fluctuates, grows, changes. We are best friends and that sustains us. The love part comes easy.

    We have learned to forgive each other and accept each other, which is harder and takes practice. We try hard to keep things fun as much as we can. Having fun together is very important.

    Even with kids, bills, fights, loss; we keep our selves remembering what brought us together.

    Will it last forever? I don't know. I certainly hope so! Life is a funny thing though, and is full of unexpected plot twists, so for now I enjoy the ride, i try not to worry about the 'what if's".

    I have faith in my husband and in the life we have built. I try not to have preconceived notions of how it 'should' be, and enjoy all that it is.

    We made the commitment to share our lives together. Can it last forever? Who knows. But we promised to do our best, and that is all you can really ask of someone, isn't it?

    SO I do not ask him for forever, or perfection (such pressure!!). I just ask that he tries his best to do his best by us. I ask the same of myself. I ask for honesty and communication and give in turn. This approach has kept us happy and close for over 13 years.
     
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  13. Krumplenump

    Krumplenump Community Member

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    I reckon high levels of divorce are because many people think that the slightest fracas warrants a termination of the relationship. Like it's too much to iron things out and the appeal of 'fresh starts' are too often succumbed to. There's a lot to be said about the long term feeling of attachment and satisfaction of repairing an old piece of machinery when compared to the short-lived thrills of getting a new one. Sounds a bit mechanical, but I think you get the gist.

    Then again I've never been in a committed relationship so these are just assumptions drawn from observation.
     
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  14. yumiii

    yumiii Community Member

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    Soulseeker, like Janet said, marriage is complicated.

    Marriage, in an idealist's point of view, is about loving each other-to use your term-'forever'. Marriage is having someone to rely on, to know that someone's always there to catch you when you fall. Marriage is having someone who will make you smile when all you want to do is frown, laugh even when you're too mad to do anything but scream. To give you security during your most vulnerable points, to be your companion in your most solitary days.

    That, among others, is the kind of marriage that everyone hopes for.

    But it's not that easy.

    Realistically speaking, marriage won't happen between two people if they don't know how to compromise, communicate, and trust each other. The chances of marriage lasting and breaking off is 50/50 in my opinion. Marriage takes so much work and effort. It takes patience, and for the two people to know how to prod and back off when needed.
    It's a give and take, and it's not all about happily ever afters. It's true that you can make your own, but even then you'd shed a few tears here and there, but that's part of life. Part of growth, and part of exploring each other's strengths and weaknesses.

    Like a couple of people pointed out in here already, it's not always definite that the two people will stay together for the rest of their lifetime. Compatibility and friendship are huge keys. Love and respect as well. There are a lot of keys needed in marriage. To fulfill that promise of staying together is something awe-inspiring. Sometimes, these two people fall apart. It can, and perhaps in today's society, will happen.

    But it doesn't always mean that's how it's going to end up for you.

    Marry someone you'd want to build a life with. Together.
    With no hesitations.

    :)
     
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  15. Sparkz

    Sparkz Regular Poster

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    My parents have been together in marriage for almost 25 years and the things I recognize that have worked for them is that:
    1. They are willing to compromise
    2. They are best friends
    3. They work out all disagreements between them
    4. They still keep the same flame they had for each other originally for each other alive by getting away from the kids (which is easy now that we are out of the house)

    I guess there is no guarantee that a marriage will last, but I guess that's part of life; there is no guarantees. But, when you find that person you'd be willing to spend the rest of your life (including your old age when your old and wrinkly and they sex is gone and all you have left is your friendship) and they feel the same about you then all you can do is marry them and see how the rest of your life with them is.
     
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  16. Matariki

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    Interesting,

    My grandparents have been married now for over 50 years, and my parents have been married for almost 30.

    One thing that I have learnt from my sisters is that you should never rush into marriage. I belive that is a mistake that many young people are doing these days, and are doing so without realising what marriage is or even knowing the true personality of their partners are.

    Marriage is complex.
    Its a realtionship of trust, loyalty, honesty and commitment. Out of all things, marriage is not a stroll in the park, instead its a climb up Mount Everest.
     
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    #16 Matariki, Feb 22, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
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  17. Questingpoet

    Questingpoet Not Afraid to Use His Beard
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    There is no doubt marriage is hard work. The initial "deeply in love" feeling changes over time, but can still be a thing of great depth and beauty. You have to be careful to not fall into the trap of getting so involved in life that you lose sight of each other and grow apart instead of together. I've learned this the hard way. But if you have love at the core of your relationship, there is always hope.

    I'm not sure we were really meant to be with just one person for your entire life. But if you have taken that vow, you owe it to youself and to them to try and do so. I've always felt we should be able to have enough love in our hearts to not have it be tied down to just one person. Loving this one should not diminish the love for that one. But society and peoples jealousy make this a minority view.
     
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  18. Eric86

    Eric86 Community Member

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    Why do so many people see marriage as being tied down? That makes absolutely no sense to me.
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
  19. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Because they're polygamous rather than monogamous.

    I could see myself with only one woman, as long as she was right for me. We could explore the world together.
     
  20. muir

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    Because unlike loving relationships, marriage is an artificial construct. It is a legally binding contract used as a method of social engineering. The reason religion has a stake in marriage is because in the past religious leaders used to be the social engineers and they liked to have control over as many aspects of the peoples lives as possible.

    They no longer control and influence society, the system does, so the system has replaced the concept of a 'sacred bond under the eyes of god' (an emotional contract backed up with the threat of gods wrath) with lawful contracts which are backed up by the weight of the law.

    Don't confuse things like love and respect and trust as being related to marriage, they are not, they are related to (or should be related to) the relationship.

    Marriage is: a contract, a lucrative industry and a method of social control forced on us by the tyranny of social pressure
     
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    #20 muir, Feb 23, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2010
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