No Boyfriend Since Birth!! | INFJ Forum

No Boyfriend Since Birth!!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Breathlessangel, Jun 23, 2015.

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  1. Breathlessangel

    Breathlessangel Humming melodies
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    Hello Everyone! :)

    I'm new here and just recently found out about this MBTI thingie and it really makes sense. It helped me a lot understanding where I'm coming from or why I behave this certain way or why ever since I feel so different and weird. Enough about that :) , the things I would like to know is if there are any INFJs out there who have the same situation as I have now or before and what did you do to to make things better. This is not only for INFJs, everyone should feel free to share. I would love to hear your thoughts.

    So, I am 23 years old and I never had a boyfriend. It's not because I never had a suitor or I'm unattractive or I'm a psycho but because- well, it was a choice.
    I'm a "hopeless romantic" to the point that (well unknown to me or maybe I just don't noticed or I just kept denying) its very unrealistic. My close friends are all telling me how picky and perfectionist I am in love. I always tell them that I just want my first to be my last - I'm sticking to it so it's hard for me to actually jump in a relationship for the sake of having one. All my life- it's like I'm yearning for romance, for finding "The One" or my soulmate but it's contradicting because sometimes it's really weird how awkward my actions can get. Like one time I was really in love with my classmate and he wants to accompany me home just the two of us and I started to panic and what I did- I ran away from him telling him "No, it's alright I can go home alone" in a nice but panicky way. I ran fast and when I looked back and I've seen how disappointed his face was. So yes- I never dated a man. I turned down every date opportunites and my usual reason is that "I just don't feel like it" or "I just don't feel him" - if I said yes.. we will look weird because I might just end up reading a book and that's very rude. I feel like I need that 'Push" like if he wants to date me it's better if he just corner me or kidnap me because if he gave me a chance to think about it.. definitely I would say no to him. It's bad of me to be judgmental but if I can see a guy for a few seconds- I would already get the feeling or vibes and I already know from that moment if either I want him to date me or not. Most of these guys however ended up in my "I don't feel like dating you" folder. No matter how cute or good looking they are or how nice they are.

    I'm definitely very feminine and attracted to men.. I fell in love just a few times with a few men but I loved them for years and my moving on process as well took me years. Sometimes I feel like I am commitment phobic or maybe just afraid of pain or rejection because I love hard and hurt hard too. Or maybe because I have a cheating father who made me want my future relationship to be "perfect" by just looking how miserable my mother in their marriage. But I know there is no such thing as "perfect" so I want real relationships too. The point is- when I was still studying.. I have this bubble that "Studies are my priorities" so it was okay back then. But now that I'm not, I have these regrets that "I skipped or avoided the supposedly "puppy love" stage kind of relationships". I feel left out sometimes or left behind like in one of my close group of friends. (I have two close group of friends) I'm the only girl standing being an NBSB (No bf since birth) I feel like maybe I'm abnormal, or just plain unlucky in love or have a personality disorder.

    But knowing about being an INFJ, it's normal that we can't mostly connect with someone I mean romantically speaking. So this means that it's x3 difficulty in our part to find "The One" I guess. I know in some levels, this isn't really true as well. But that's mostly how I feel, I mean if someone wanted to court me or tell me he likes me or loves me. He instantly rubbed me in a wrong way. It's like how can you say you love me when you don't even really know me. So you love me because of my physical looks huh. And that's enough for me to turn him down. I want someone to first know me or connect with me mentally and emotionally then that's it.. my physical looks is just a bonus. That's hard considering or I mean scientifically not sure though haha.. that men are visuals. I don't know, I just felt so discouraged when it comes to love.. I really want to meet this man.. who's flawed but we will love each other and have babies together. I really waited so long and my patience is getting really thin. I told myself that when I get to see this man.. I will definitely say yes all the way with him. Like "yes" to dates and "yes" to my first times. I don't want to be an old maid or I don't want to die not feeling how it feels to love and be loved.

    Sorry for any grammatical errors, English isn't my first language. Anyway, this is really getting long. I am open for any observations and for you to share your experiences as well. Just anything you wanted to share but please don't be harsh haha. Let's have a fun and insightful conversation. Thank you in advance. :)
     
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    #1 Breathlessangel, Jun 23, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2015
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  2. Faye

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    I see several things going on here. The first is a fear of failure. If you're looking for that one perfect person, how awful would it be to end up with someone who is not that? It is a legitimate fear though. I think that it is worthwhile to wait for someone amazing that to be used and abused by someone who turns out to be terrible. However, you can't always know whether or not someone will turn out to be good. They might seem perfect at first but make horrible choices later. There are no guarantees. The flip-side of that is that, if you give someone a chance, they might turn out to be amazing.

    The bigger issue is that it seems like you're looking for the perfect relationship as a way to get you out of your reality somehow. You seem to want love like what they have in the movies, something that will take you outside of yourself. You don't just want any regular relationship. While this isn't a bad thing, I think its important to note that the other person you're with will only be human. Nobody can live up to those standards all the time. Even the best relationships have a lot of boring and unpleasant things about them. Your partner will have flaws, and they will become more apparent as time goes on.

    So the last thing is just that it is easier to reject guys up front than it is to be vulnerable. Because the relationship might be awful. They might be awful. Things might not work out, and you could end up several years later having gone through a bad relationship.

    I don't have any advice. I've always sort of felt the same way. The only thing I can think is that you just need to be willing to at least try casual dating with a lot of people to see if you can find the right person. It isn't easy, but dating is never easy.
     
  3. OP
    Breathlessangel

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    You are so right. I remembered that my INTJ cousin told me that I have this "fear of failure" and its very evident on how strongly this shows when it comes to my approach to dating. That when it's finally happening, I really don't know how to deal with my emotions. It's like an uncharted territory to me. So usually I ended up freaking out. My inexperience kinda takes a toll on me.

    So yes- I should try casual dating and should think that it's just a date.. I'm not gonna marry him or something. Haha. That it's just the way it is. No shortcuts in dating right? I should deal with all its twists and turns, ups and downs and all the roller coaster emotions. It's a package deal. There's a lot of learning for me to do.. (I need a crash course.. Lol) And should stop being so head over the clouds..and should aim for a REAL not perfect relationship. I'm ready for it! So, thank you so much! :)
     
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  4. Artemisia

    Artemisia Community Member

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    HI breathlessangel,

    I was very much like you when I was in my 20s (I am in my early 30s now and have some perspective). I too focused on my studies and didn't have a boyfriend until my mid 20s, followed by years of dating all sorts of weird characters. Do you also have a thing for much older men? I did until age 30 and now I have gone the other way and date men my age or slightly younger. This was mostly a result of bad experiences with men in heir 40s.

    The advice I can give you is that you have to date around. As others here said, no one is perfect and it will take experience to know who is right for you. I am still figuring that part out. Every guy has his positives and negatives....it is just a matter of what you can put up with. Plus, it is always good to have some experience because you may wake up one day in your 40s and realize that you missed out on dating a variety of people.
     
  5. ruji

    ruji Well-known member

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    I cannot stress this enough: the world isn't what you want it to be. And everyone has to deal with it.
    If you want relationships with other people in this world, you have to recognize and respect them enough to consider them in the equation.
    If your ideals are that precious to you, you are likely to be alone with them.
    You have to find a balance between what's realistic and idealistic where you and your partner can comfortably compromise.
     
  6. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition THANKS RUG

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    Okay so let's get this straight:

    You reject men because they approach you for being physically attractive.
    You reject men because within seconds you dismiss them entirely based on a "vibe" you get on them.
    You have "fallen in love" with the IDEA of other men and though you never entered relationships with them it took you a long time to get over them. I will give you a hint: orchestrated ideals that you create around a person are unfair to the individual and to yourself. You created an entire belief system around them and found it difficult to get give up. That is to say you were only in love with what you created, not the person themselves. Just as superficial as men thinking they love you and you believing it's only based on looks.
    You claim to perhaps be unlucky in love or have a personality disorder. No. You are just desperately clinging to your idea of what you think love and attraction is supposed to feel like and when it doesn't meet your set parameters you run even if you have an attraction to the person pursuing you.
    You are waiting for "The One" to show up out of 7 billion people on the Earth but are systematically rejecting all advances without exploring the other person further.

    What you are looking for is intellectual and emotional chemistry that will be compounded by physical chemistry. It's not a vibe. It's not a basic sexual attraction. It's being in alignment with another human being who you can partner and who can partner you. It has nothing to do with fear or other bullshit or being too particular so you can go ahead and stop with that. I was exactly the same way. I met my current boyfriend over 10 years ago and on paper we looked great but the spark wasn't there. After 10 years we ended up getting together and the relationship is so solid I cannot believe it. Keep in mind that was my first "real" boyfriend and I was 28. However, I had dated other people and spent time with a lot of different men leading up until that and it only taught me what I didn't want or what didn't work for me, even if they were perfectly respectable.

    So, even though my post may sound harsh, it's not. But you have to own what you want and stop thinking that there's something wrong with you. You have to be abundantly realistic about your expectations and understand that it's good to formulate relationships even if they don't work out and if you want to hold off for "the one" then you might be single for a very long time.
     
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  7. invisible

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    i loved reading your post and i think youre doing the right thing for you. i think that you have a good sense of how to value yourself and your beliefs. i think that you should just try to keep doing what you think is the best thing for you, for as long as that thing remains important to you. no one can tell you what the best thing for you is, only you know what you feel and think and believe that the best thing for you is. if you ever have regrets later about not doing something different, you will at least know that you were being true to yourself and the beliefs you had at the time. but if you try to do something that you do not really feel like you want to do, or that you do not really believe in, then you could regret being untrue to yourself. which would be worse for you - regretting missing out on something that could possibly have been better if you had known about it at the time - or regretting being untrue to yourself? i myself would much rather regret missing out on the whatever-it-could-have-been.

    i think that what you need to do is think critically and logically about what will make you compatible with a partner. brainstorm your "dealbreakers" list and figure out clearly what it is that would make you compatible with someone, exactly what you are willing to accept from a partner and what you are not willing to accept. because by doing this, you will see in a clear and logical way what values are important to you, in order to make a long term partnership work. it will help you to see more critically why you are attracted to certain potential partners, and why you reject others. what do the two of you both have to value in order for it to work? for example, clearly to you, it is important to have a partner who values the kind of relationship where two people are committed to each other, so that will need to be important to your partner as well. some people dont want that kind of relationship, and that is completely fine for them - but its not fine for you - you need someone who shares that belief in traditional relationship styles. also it is important to you that your partner appreciates not just your face or your body, but your mind and heart. what else is very important to you? what do you really want in a partner, what do you think you really need in order to make a relationship work, and what can you do without? you will need to choose with your heart, but you will need to choose with your head too. your heart and your head will have to agree on this.

    ive noticed that sometimes the dearest friends in my life who have turned out to have been "soulmate" type friends have been people that i have been instantly drawn to, that i just "knew" would be my friends, and other times, they have been "soulmate" type friends because we grew closer together over time by just always being there for each other. other times, i thought i "knew" that someone would be a soulmate for my whole life, but they were not, they were just kind of like an "angel" that dropped into my life and helped me at a certain time and then left my life, and i guess that was OK too. "soulmates" are funny things, not always predictable. you cannot always control it, but to some extent, destiny is what you make it - it is a choice, and a commitment.
     
  8. OP
    Breathlessangel

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    Hello Artemisia,

    Your insight is what I really needed to hear considering it's like we have the same case. I'm definitely wanted to avoid those weird characters and in the process of weeding out - maybe the right ones got included. I have unbelievably unrealistic standards when I was still in school- they are like walls that I built for men that I'm sure they can't bring down only to protect myself and believing that if "one" was able to do it.. then he is really my match no matter who he is. I was like 21 at that time and I felt really young and no rush. Now that I'm 23, it's like I have this awareness that if I won't change this behavior then I'm doomed. I should start making an effort and to give men a chance. To give off signals that I'm single and ready to mingle. Lol.

    Yes- I had a thing for older men. I just find it weird to have a romantic relationship with younger men but I guess now I'm trying to break that stupid rule. As long as we connect and we feel the spark then I should give him a chance.
     
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  9. OP
    Breathlessangel

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    I agree, I'm lacking a lot in the "realistic" department and I'm thankful that I have an INTJ cousin who keeps me on my toes although still my feelings are way overboard. I enjoy being alone.. having my own world and stuff but I don't want to just keep on daydreaming. I want to make my dreams - a reality too. So even though I don't know where to start, I think I will push myself more to give everyone a chance and to gain that balance of being realistic and idealistic especially translated to my actions.
     
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  10. OP
    Breathlessangel

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  11. OP
    Breathlessangel

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    #11 Breathlessangel, Jun 23, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2015
  12. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition THANKS RUG

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  13. OP
    Breathlessangel

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    Hello Invisible,

    Yep, I am logical too mostly when it comes to taking exams haha.. but when it comes to the matters of my heart, it's an uncharted territory! Anyway, I already have a list of non-negotiables or deal breakers. So will stick to it.. if it's the only way I can keep my emotions at bay with my logic then I should. I couldn't agree more.. all your points are so spot on.

    I love your last paragraph.. that speaks truth in so many levels. There should be a means to learn how to balance our logic and our gift of intuition. And that anyone can be a soulmate.. there are instant soulmates, there are temporary soulmates and permanent ones as well. That's a great concept btw. Thank you for taking the time to answer... I really appreciate everyone's effort.
     
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    #13 Breathlessangel, Jun 23, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2015
  14. thirdhalf

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    Hanging into an idealistic image of soulmates can be a lonely endeavor. The term soulmate could also be applied to two people that are suited for each other well above average levels, but not 'perfect'....if you wanted it to be. I have yet to meet two people that are perfect for each other, perfect soulmates. In a way, relationships are what you make of them, they can be difficult and fulfilling (not suited for each other and not soulmates) or fairly easy and very rewarding (well suited and approaching soulmate territory). But even then, most if not all relationships will eventually fall flat without active participation and effort. A relationship can reach that 'perfect' soulmate level over time but its not because they are perfect for each other, its that they love the other person in every way including those that annoy the living shit out of them. They accept the others flaws and shortcomings and put effort into the relationship to keep it alive. Those are the long term happy partnerships that ooze emotional intimacy long after the initial rush that happens mostly in the beginning of relationships wears off and the emotional romance decreases with it.

    If you are running into the problem (and what a problem to have..!) that you are beautiful and thus can't determine the intentions of men, go at it with the intent of being platonic friends. No matter how much sexual desire and intimacy you have with your potential partner, if you two are not capable of being friends then its a relationship that is likely to fall apart in spectacular ways eventually.

    I got in my first relationship at about your age, was in it for almost 10 years and had much the same thought process and desires that you describe previous to it. Well, other then having many many opportunities like you have. Finally came to the realization that my quest for 100% perfect was ruling out all of those just as amazing but not 100% perfect opportunities. Relationships are between people and are not rigid, just like people they are a fluid thing that changes and ebbs and flows over time. Being flexible and allowing for people and relationships to develop and evolve as they will to instead of holding onto an image of perfection that is perfect now with the expectation that it will always be just as perfect forever allowed me to have an amazing and love filled relationship with someone; even though it ended I wouldn't change a thing or trade it for the world.
     
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  15. OP
    Breathlessangel

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  16. OP
    Breathlessangel

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    I love everything you said but I will reply longer tomorrow. I am sleepy now hehe. It's late around here on the side of my world. Goodnight from here and thank you everyone. :) It was a great Day One being in here.
     
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  17. thirdhalf

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    One last note. It seems that you know what you want and you are looking for it. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have your first relationship be your last. There is nothing wrong with being selective. There is nothing wrong with not wanting casual relationships. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. Its only when the idea of what you want gets in the way of what you want that you might evaluate your approach to getting it, not what you want or how you want it.

    I suspect that you are probably having more difficulties then some in part due to cultural expectations. It seems the cultural preference for women does not fully line up with your own desires and you feel the pressure and probably the cultural preference for men encourages behavior in certain ways that you see as a turnoff. Probability says a lot of the men are indeed just as you judged; this is not meant to encourage you otherwise but instead suggest that not having luck finding someone in the past has absolutely zero to do with the chances of finding someone in the future.
     
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  18. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    experience is the antidote to extreme idealism. i'd say allow yourself to experience or at least be open minded to relationships and this will lead you into balancing your idealism with reality.
     
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  19. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    When two people begin that journey together, they are both novices no matter what one person may have been through previously. Life will throw all kinds of new crap at both of you that neither of you will be experts at. Be real. Expect real. The dream takes real work.
     
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  20. OP
    Breathlessangel

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    Funny thing is I am very comfortable being with my male friends but when they started making their intentions clear to me it's like my perception of them changed and I become distant. I didn't really given them a chance that half of them should deserved. I wasn't even sure if I really have been truly in love because maybe I was just in love with the idea of it and not with the actual person.. but feelings wise- I really felt it that time. Anyway, yes- I can recognized your whole point and its very helpful considering its based in your experience and you've been exactly where I am now. I should keep reminding myself of all of these that I learned- you know our minds are rebels. So this thread I will be visiting a lot especially when I'm finally starting a new journey. I just recently moved on from such a messy heartbreak.. it was just an almost relationship. I don't know if I sabotaged it because of my paranoia or my idealism or because he is just a complete arsehole. But I'm happy that I am in my transition stage again.. not in love but hoping to be in love and praying he will be my first. But if not like you said.. I wouldn't change a thing or trade it for the world. Heartbreaks makes us stronger anyway.
     
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