Living together before marriage

[Faye]

I think that depends entirely on why they are living together before they get married. If it is because they have reservations, aren't as committed, or are having money issues, then they are definitely not better off. If it is just because they want to wait and there is no negative reason for them wanting to wait, then I don't see a problem.

 

[acd]

If you want to have children, you do need marriage. Even if you don't want children, not marrying can bring unintended consequences, despite strong commitment. I've seen someone kicked out the house he lived in with his long term partner for thirty years because they never married and she was killed in an accident. We live in a society of laws and traditions that often transcend the sentiments of individuals.

That's fine....I don't plan on having children.. and I don't expect laws to bend for me...and there are other ways to ensure one's home in the event of that happening..
Anyway I don't plan on marrying and I am fully confident that I will be able to survive without doing so.

Statistically, women are more likely to be phsycially abused if they are cohabiting rather than married. The likelihoode of it leading to marraige is very small, and among cohabiters that DO end up tying the knot, they are FAR more likely to divorce later on. The scientists who have run these studies have intepreted the data to suggest that those who choose to cohabit have two problems:
1. They mistakenly assume that cohabiting will reveal if a relationship will work as a marraige, when in reality people act very differently in a committed marraige than a non-commital living arrangement.
2. Those who choose to cohabit do so primarily out of difficulties with commitment, making them statistically more likely to divorce even if they do eventually marry.

Basically, if a stable marriage is your goal, the last thing you should do is cohabit. If cohabitation is what you really like, then it's probably a good idea not to marry anyhow, as you are not likely to stick around.

I could go into the issues of how this impacts children, but in my experience, people who choose to cohabit don't usually care how they effect their kids.

Yeap, I know my opinion is a strong one, and very counter-cultural. But you knew when you asked the question that there would be these differences of opinion, eh?

Journal artical connecting cohabitatin with domestic violence: http://www.northwestern.edu/ipr/jcpr/workingpapers/wpfiles/kenney_mclanahan.pdf

Journal artical linking cohabitation with higher divorce rate:
http://sf.oxfordjournals.org/content/69/1/207.short

Back your opinion up with slanted data and then comment that those cohabitating don't care for how their lifestyles affect the children.
What a claim to make!

Church weddings and marriage contracts don't prevent people from cheating, beating or doing other unspeakable things to one another...
Marriage just makes it harder to end the relationship.
I wonder how many people were involved in abusive marriages when societal pressure to marry was even more salient!
Maybe the reason people who cohabitate are supposedly more likely to end up battered is because less people marry today.
If only you could compare those statistics to reports of abuse 40, 50 or 60 years ago when everyone was getting married...
But in my personal and work experience.. a lot of batterers do not become violent until after the marriage...

 

[magister343]

If you want to have children, you do need marriage. Even if you don't want children, not marrying can bring unintended consequences, despite strong commitment. I've seen someone kicked out the house he lived in with his long term partner for thirty years because they never married and she was killed in an accident. We live in a society of laws and traditions that often transcend the sentiments of individuals.

There are plenty of legal alternatives for those who don't want legal marriages. In the example you gave, it sounds pretty stupid for them not to have put the house in both of their names, left him the house in her will, or made him the executor of the will. She could also have granted Power of Attorney, which is much more serious than marriage legally.


p.s. Are you sure you are really an INTP? Most of you posts seem very J.

 

[bickelz]

Well, I'm glad to see I'm not the only old fashioned fart around here. Though I voted incorrectly. 'In most cases, probably not'.

I don't view it as old fashioned. I've actually heard that if you live together before you're married, its actually more likely that you get divorced. The reason for that is because its a lot harder to break up with someone if you live together.

 

[Matariki]

I don't view it as old fashioned. I've actually heard that if you live together before you're married, its actually more likely that you get divorced. The reason for that is because its a lot harder to break up with someone if you live together.

Interesting...

 

[Nixie]

This is completely your own subjective opinion.

Indeed. Did you miss the part where I said I could only speak for myself? My values and morals preclude the idea of cohabitation. I stated my opinion very carefully so as not to confuse people with the idea that I was making value judgements on those who choose to live together. I stand by my beliefs and would not choose to live together prior to marriage. I would say that logistically, if I was close to being married to someone, I would consider the benefit of making arrangements shortly before the wedding.

 

[barbad0s]

I personally wouldn't see much of a point in me living with a boyfriend before engagement, aside from the occasional sleepover or road trip together.

What was quoted in the OP about the bears and cages and mating freaked me out a little. I can't imagine myself as ever being not super romantic and super horny though, so I'm sure I'll find a way around that. I would think I'd have a lot more opportunities to show a person my love for them every day if I lived with them and got to see them every day.

I can't say what sorts of relationships my future will bring. I may or may not have the option of living together with the person I will want to commit to forever. Hell, I may not even end up marrying or finding another man that I will want to share my life with. The only thing I can say I know for sure is that I dislike sleeping alone.

 

[Norton]

That's fine....I don't plan on having children.. and I don't expect laws to bend for me...and there are other ways to ensure one's home in the event of that happening..
Anyway I don't plan on marrying and I am fully confident that I will be able to survive without doing so.

No one is telling you to get married. At least, I certainly am not.

There are plenty of legal alternatives for those who don't want legal marriages. In the example you gave, it sounds pretty stupid for them not to have put the house in both of their names, left him the house in her will, or made him the executor of the will. She could also have granted Power of Attorney, which is much more serious than marriage legally.


p.s. Are you sure you are really an INTP? Most of you posts seem very J.

Marriage takes care of all the legal contingencies in one act. That's partly why it exists, is popular, and greatly desired by many people, including gay people.

I am quite an INTP, but by the time one is sixty, one's personality is defined more by experiences than MBTI preferences. Unless, of course, one is extremely unlucky.

 

[Peppermint]

I'm all for living in sin permanently - no marriage. No kids either, and I'm actually extremely faithful and not likely to leave at the drop of the hat unless I'm seriously endangered, but I also think I'm smart enough not to be in a situation like that in the first place.

Also, I voted "Yes, but it's not for everyone". I agree with most of the comments about how if you feel like you need to test things, there are things off already, but if like me, you see cohabitation as a serious union, and the next, and final stage of the relationship, you should totally go for it. I have no idea how it is elsewhere, but in my country cohabitation is exactly the same as actual marriage legally, and the children get all of the legal benefits, if the couple has cohabited for a certain time period, I think 3 years, but not sure on the exact number.

 

[Gaze]

I wonder if the answers would vary depending on how long the couple knew each other before moving in together. If you know someone for a short period of time such as a few months or less than a year before deciding you want to move in together, how does that compare to people who move in together after knowing each other for a few years.

 

[Kanamori]

I suppose my opinion is biased because everyone in my extended family cohabited before marriage and are all still happily married, so I kind of took it for granted.

As to the statistics, I don't think marrying would stop the abuse or make the relationships better.

 

[grt$5vb]

Opinions aside, this kind of thing is totally subjective and up to the individuals involved. There is no right way, just the best way for the two of you. You have to decide for yourselves, and what anyone else thinks doesn't matter.

I am going with this one. I have tried it both ways, and I don't think it has any bearing on the success or failure of the relationship. The two people involved do.

 

[candygirlxoxo]

Even though i am usually a die hard traditionilist...On this subject,i have to say i'm going against tradition.I really believe it should be an absolute must to live with your love interest,(at least for a short amount of time)before getting married.You could end up saving yourself from serious trouble if you learn first how it is to live with this person.Common sense says someone is most likely not going to show their total "true" colors untill you're living under the same roof together.This person may have all kinds of annoying habits,things that you definitly would not know untill you've lived with them.Why wait untill it's too late?I actually think it makes a lot of sense,a "trial run" of sorts.Yes,you love this person,but love doesn't mean you're definitly going to be able to stomach this person for life.You may just not be compatible to live together.I certainly wouldn't want to get married,then realize this.Whats wrong with living together first,then,if you find you are compatible"living" partners,then take the plunge.? Or not,just stay living together and maybe never technically get married.I guess it's a very individual preference,i personally see nothing wrong with living together first.

 

[Gaze]

I don't think it has any bearing on the success or failure of the relationship. The two people involved do.

agree.

 

[detectivepope]

If you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone without knowing what it is like to live with them you are fucking mental. Its like driving a car without ever been behind the wheel, its bound to crash.

 

[GracieRuth]

If you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone without knowing what it is like to live with them you are fucking mental. Its like driving a car without ever been behind the wheel, its bound to crash.

Yeah, I KNOW how reasonable this seems. However, the research simply doesn't bear it out. There was a time when everyone thought heavier objects fell faster, too.

 

[detectivepope]

Yeah, I KNOW how reasonable this seems. However, the research simply doesn't bear it out. There was a time when everyone thought heavier objects fell faster, too.

Well in my experience I have done both. As well as asking friends, acquaintances, different demographics I have personally enquired, older generational differences etc.. The result on this part was far from a neutral stand point, I'm all for research being read but primary research wins hands down. Also just because its written doesn't make it true.

 

[NiennaLadyOfTears]

Honestly it comes down to this:

People don't understand what love is. They've got this romanticized idea of it, and guys, it's NOT an emotion. At least not entirely. If the idea of living together is a "test drive" then you're not fully committed to the relationship to begin with. No two people are absolutely perfect for each other. That just doesn't happen. You will find out he/she snores, sleepwalks, etc., but honestly, why would such a small thing be such a dealbreaker?

I don't believe in cohabitation. I do, however, recognize that there may be SOME circumstances where it may be necessary (My husband and I cohabitated for two weeks prior to our marriage because of abuse in my family.) I don't think that the license makes the marriage but most people don't have the willpower to stay in a marriage where there would be no legal fees to get out of. First major fight, and they'd be gone.

Guys, the vows were never supposed to be "As long as the love shall last" because the emotion we call love is a chemical that fades. True love is sacrifice, commitment, willingness to work things out no matter what, unless your safety is compromised by doing so.

There are other ways to find out some questions you might have before marriage without cohabitation.

 

[Matariki]

Honestly it comes down to this:

People don't understand what love is. They've got this romanticized idea of it, and guys, it's NOT an emotion. At least not entirely. If the idea of living together is a "test drive" then you're not fully committed to the relationship to begin with. No two people are absolutely perfect for each other. That just doesn't happen. You will find out he/she snores, sleepwalks, etc., but honestly, why would such a small thing be such a dealbreaker?

I don't believe in cohabitation. I do, however, recognize that there may be SOME circumstances where it may be necessary (My husband and I cohabitated for two weeks prior to our marriage because of abuse in my family.) I don't think that the license makes the marriage but most people don't have the willpower to stay in a marriage where there would be no legal fees to get out of. First major fight, and they'd be gone.

Guys, the vows were never supposed to be "As long as the love shall last" because the emotion we call love is a chemical that fades. True love is sacrifice, commitment, willingness to work things out no matter what, unless your safety is compromised by doing so.

There are other ways to find out some questions you might have before marriage without cohabitation.

Very good points.

 

[Billy]

Cohabitation before marraige as a way to test the relationship is never a good idea. If you feel that you need a trial run, then you are not ready for such commitment. Often those who move in together end up getting married not because they really want to, but because they bow to social expectations or have become so enmeshed that marriage just seems easier than breaking up.

That is an absurd leap of subjective logic. Sometimes the next step before marriage IS cohabitation because you want to merge your life with someone else's, you sound like you have never done as such. And then you say they get married because of social expectations and not because they want to? Umm... marriage is one big social expectation. You dont sound very experienced in relationships.